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Original poster

Is MIL being unreasonable?

57 replies

PositiveThoughtsWine · 31/12/2022 13:00

I’m 5 months pregnant. My MIL is very disinterested in our lives. When me and hubby visit she doesn’t ask anything about the baby, our appointments, scans or how I’ve been. She hasn’t asked if we need anything for the baby - she’s not short of cash and if she was just showing she cared would be appreciated. At Christmas she bought both her sons children Christmas presents, she didn’t buy our “bump” anything.
When we moved in to our house she didn’t offer to help or buy us anything.
When we got married she didn’t offer to help with anything or show an interest. Husbands, Dad is not on the scene.
understandably, there’s a lot to do in our house to get ready for the arrival of our baby. MIL keeps asking husband to do jobs in her house - his brothers also help but it’s a never ending list! He’s tried explaining how busy we are but she questioned him! I’m very much do “anything for anyone” but I’ve has enough! She does nothing for us and wants things in return or an explanation why! I’ve had enough and told my husband to tell her, no! My parents are very different! AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
PositiveThoughtsWine · 31/12/2022 13:50

@Eyerollcentral It was a laughing reply to the comment made above by @DarkKarmaIlama because what she said was funny so I laughed.
When I clicked reply I didn’t realise it replied to everyone. It’s only when I was tagged I realised I have to tag people - or hope that people are wise enough to understand what I’m laughing at.

OP posts:
DarkKarmaIlama · 31/12/2022 13:52

@whattodo1975

It isn’t easy at first. Not if you’ve been totally conditioned as a child/young son to put your mothers needs first. It’s certainly doable in time once they’ve woken up a bit to the dynamic but a lot of people and particularly some men do feel obligated out of guilt to serve their manipulative mothers.

Hopefully OPs other half wakes up and quick!

Wishimaywishimight · 31/12/2022 13:53

Most of your concerns appear to centre around her spending money on you, maybe she is aware of this.

Pootle22 · 31/12/2022 13:59

There's many different things going on here.

It would be nice if mil was interested in you and your baby. She isn't at the moment, that might change when baby arrives but she's not 'wrong' to be uninterested, it wasn't her decision to have another GC. Its rude to not show an interest but that's it.

In terms of buying you stuff, nope, she's not even rude. You are rude to have expectations and to judge her for not meeting them.

Asking your DH to do things, that's fine, she raised him and is asking for his help. However if he is unable to help then he does not have to. She'd be unreasonable to kick up a fuss but there is an established arrangement there so I would expect her to feel put out unless you manage the communication of the change well.

Just enjoy your pregnancy buy what you need and encourage DH to establish some further boundaries around his availability. Reduce your expectations of mil.

DarkKarmaIlama · 31/12/2022 13:59

@Wishimaywishimight

I took from it a total lack of interest. For example, this MIL doesn’t even ask how the OP is feeling. Now I’m sure a quick “hi how are you doing how’s the pregnancy” is something that certainly would be coming out of my mouth to a future DIL. It’s common decency.

Original poster
PositiveThoughtsWine · 31/12/2022 14:06

@Pootle22 nope no arrangement. FIL left three years ago. MIL expects all three boys to do things. We visit MIL and phone to see how she is. She never visits us and whenever she calls she ALWAYS wants something. Husband comment “I’m not going to my mums because she only ever calls when she wants something.”
I struggle to understand how she things it’s reasonable to want him to do so much when she shows no interest or helps in his life. Clearly though, lots of people on this thread think like her and IABU.

OP posts:
Celloma · 31/12/2022 14:08

She sounds disinterested which is hurtful, but you sound grabby.

Yulestorm · 31/12/2022 14:15

A bump present? 😂 Now I’ve heard it all. And no, she doesn’t have to buy you things. You chose to have a baby, you provide for your baby. You honestly sound ridiculous.

Treeofglitter · 31/12/2022 14:23

I think this is the ideal time for you to stop encouraging your husband to go round to his Mums. This is all about what she wants and not what he wants. Your parents are different and so I can understand your want for your husband to have a good relationship with his Mum but he doesn't have that. He himself feels that she only calls when she wants something. She is disinterested in your life so be disinterested in hers. Sometimes we have to accept that the relationship we want or imagine isn't the relationship we get.

A bump present is normal, not that I would call it a bump present but at 5 months pregnant I was definitely being given gifts by both sets of parents. Just small items like a cute baby grow or onesie but then we had excitement from both sides. My MIL crocheted the most beautiful blanket for Ds1. That took months. You don't sound ridiculous. If you have a good relationship with a parent they are usually interested in your life. Your parents are, his Mum is not. Concentrate on your parents.

Eyerollcentral · 31/12/2022 14:26

Wishimaywishimight · 31/12/2022 13:53

Most of your concerns appear to centre around her spending money on you, maybe she is aware of this.

Very much this.
When is your husband ringing his mum? Does she have to ring him to ask him to do something to get a response from him?
Re the laughing emojis but you do understand why people often don’t buy for babies yet to be born? Many people thinks it’s really bad luck. Bump buying is mad. Are the youngest/only girl in your own family OP?

cptartapp · 31/12/2022 14:27

If she's not short of money then she can buy in help as needed. Give them the number of a local handyman. That will only escalate as she gets older unless you nip it in the bud.
Buying a bump a present is ridiculous and I don't think PIL bought us anything, even when the baby was born. Both sides need to adjust their expectations.

JorisBonson · 31/12/2022 14:30

You sound really grabby.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 31/12/2022 14:43

You are coming across as grabby. I would never buy a present for a bump? Why are you expecting one? OF course she will ask her sons for help. You just seem to resent her.

Original poster
PositiveThoughtsWine · 31/12/2022 14:50

@UnshakenNeedsStirring I don’t understand why she only rings to ask for things. She never rings to ask how we are or offer her help, we get calls at least twice month asking “can you paint the third room” “can you tile the kitchen” etc. If not more, she consistently asks for stuff but does absolutely nothing for us. My parents are completely different we all do things for each other.

I am struggling to see why some people think it’s okay that she asks her son for so much when he has his own commitments when she shows absolutely no interest in his life. She literally only calls when she wants something.

OP posts:
Getamoveon36 · 31/12/2022 14:52

paintitallover · 31/12/2022 13:40

It's ridiculous to moan because you didn't get a gift for a 'bump'.

right? Wanting a present for a human who isn’t born yet. Jeez.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 14:52

Send the next list of jobs to one of dh's siblings.

DarkKarmaIlama · 31/12/2022 14:54

@PositiveThoughtsWine

It isn’t okay it’s just you have a lynch mob mentality on Mumsnet who are only focused usually on the one comment (which was the bump present one). I think we have all established that’s unnecessary but it doesn’t excuse her total lack of interest in the wider scheme of things. I would expect this to continue once your child is here. Usually in the long run women like your MIL end up very lonely as their adult sons wise up to them. By this point they won’t have established a connection with grandchildren either and it’s a steady decline into severe loneliness. She will be the loser long term.

Original poster
PositiveThoughtsWine · 31/12/2022 15:02

@DarkKarmaIlama thank you! I thought I was going insane.
I agree with the bump comment - I don’t think I explained myself very well. MIL told us Christmas Day, I’ve not bought anyone anything other than the kids. Which I totally agree with. Christmas is about the kids. She then proceeded to real of her job list. After us telling her how much we had to do in our house to get ready for the baby. I just thought all your son does for you, you could at least got him a baby grow. I agree though a bump present is OTT.

thank you for being my sanity! I’ll enjoy s peaceful MIL free life. Have a lovely new year

OP posts:
EL8888 · 31/12/2022 15:17

Unfortunately this is all too familiar to me and many aspects of the situation are where l am with my mother @PositiveThoughtsWine. Little interest in me or the pregnancy. It hasn’t been the most straightforward -IVF, twins, possible gestational diabetes, blood thinning injections, fainting fits etc. She just seems disinterested but expects us to be fascinated by some home furnishings she’s bought for her house 🙄. I don’t think it’s a mum vs’s MIL thing like other have said. Some people are just self absorbed and rather ignorant -like your MIL and my mum. When we got married then little interest and didn’t even bother to get us a present (again no financial constraints)

Now is a good time to start the boundaries with her. So you aren’t juggling a new born and husband being summoned to do things around her house. Things she should and can really pay to get done by trades people

I do disagree about the bump present though. I am 5 months pregnant and bump got nothing from anyone. In all honesty l didn’t expect anything

EL8888 · 31/12/2022 15:18

DarkKarmaIlama · 31/12/2022 14:54

@PositiveThoughtsWine

It isn’t okay it’s just you have a lynch mob mentality on Mumsnet who are only focused usually on the one comment (which was the bump present one). I think we have all established that’s unnecessary but it doesn’t excuse her total lack of interest in the wider scheme of things. I would expect this to continue once your child is here. Usually in the long run women like your MIL end up very lonely as their adult sons wise up to them. By this point they won’t have established a connection with grandchildren either and it’s a steady decline into severe loneliness. She will be the loser long term.

This. But MIL will have made her bed and needs to lie in it

Zebedee55 · 31/12/2022 15:20

As a granny of 5, and parent of 2, I wouldn't expect to be expected to buy a present for a bump lol

What do you buy a bump?🤔

She's not obligated to do anything for you. You're a grown up.🙄

Bananarama21 · 31/12/2022 15:26

How long ago did fil die could she be depressed

LookItsMeAgain · 31/12/2022 15:38

PositiveThoughtsWine · 31/12/2022 13:46

Nothing when we moved in, got married or as of yet for the baby. My family are very different and my husband has started to comment that he feels his mum doesn’t care and only rings when she wants something. he said he’s not helping her anymore, which I agreed with. I’m always the one that sends him round to help. But it’s horrible seeing him thinking his mum doesn’t care.

The person he needs to be having that conversation with is actually his mother, not you. He can sound off to you but he needs to be having a clear conversation with his mother about how she makes him feel.

That said, based on so many threads on MN, it could be that she simply doesn't want to put a foot wrong and overstep and because of how so many MiL are perceived, she doesn't want to offer/buy anything for you because she might get the wrong thing. Could that be it?

OrlaCarmichael · 31/12/2022 15:49

I think maybe give this more time, 3 years is really not that long after losing FIL.

It can be hard to understand what loss can do, and severe losses when you’re older can affect your resilience and confidence more. Maybe try not to compare her to your parents just now - they have each other.

Obviously she mustn’t take the piss, but to an extent, adult children helping out with tasks can actually be good for everyone, not just MIL, during this period. My DGM had 4 children, youngest was 13 when she was widowed. After he married and left home he and my aunt came over after work once a week. DGM cooked them dinner and my uncle did some odd jobs around the house or garden.

This went on for years. My DGM was not exploiting them or being lazy - she worked full time till retirement age. And the wider family benefitted from her house being maintained. They were free to watch TV after dinner, she’d lost a lot of social confidence and wasn’t expecting them to engage with her.

Bigbadfish · 31/12/2022 16:01

WhineWhineWINE · 31/12/2022 13:19

Also you may see it as she does nothing for you, but don't forget she spent a huge chunk of her life raising your husband and his brothers.

That was solely due to her own choices and does not indebted her children

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