DH constantly telling off kids is getting me down

[BlackYellowBlue]

Blended family, I have a girl and boy, 6 and 10. He has girl and boy, 11 and 14.

We have a positive relationship but definitely differ on parenting styles. He doesn't scream and shout but it's the constant telling off that gets wearing. Hearing it in the background all the time.

I try to approach things in a gentler manner and with a bit of humour and find I generally get the result I asked for. My stern approach is used when I feel it's needed.

Occasionally I feel he is too sharp to my kids. For example, 6 year old asks what's for dinner? Dh replies X. She says, oh I don't like X. He says, well you don't get a choice so you'll eat what you're given.

I feel this sort of clipped response causes an atmosphere. Am I being too soft?

I would have replied something like. ..that's what we are having for dinner so give it a try.....and move on. 6 yo will generally accept this and generally ends up eating it anyway.

Recently him and his kids were getting ready for a trip. I knew the prep wouldn't go easy....it was a whole day of constant bickering, telling off. It's not a blazing argument but it's the fact it's constant that gets me down.

Does anyone else relate to this or am I just being silly?

Same here it is draining to be around. Do t know what the answer is and it's part of the reason I am thinking of leaving.

He sounds like a drag and not a positive influence to have around your DCs.

You just have very very different parenting styles. Hes not going to become more like you ..just like you're not going to be like him.

You'll have to just put up with it if you want to stay together. Hes not actually doing anything "wrong".

His response to the "what's for dinner?" question may be more sharply worded than yours, but isn't necessarily wrong. I have done similar, though would likely have worded it as "I'm sure you will find something you like there" or "take it or leave it."

Tell him it's boring, just boring, many men don't like being boring.

Be over the top but nice about it.

Right we are going out let's make a list, a big list and divide who needs to do what tell you what I will get out different coloured highlighter pens for each of us. Once this list is done there will be no whinging, complaining, telling off or bickering we will all individually just do our list, if we, me and you darling, have left anything off it's our problem our problem alone. Yes?

People have different parenting styles, he may get think you are too wishy washy that the kids will be in situations that they aren't the centre of the universe and they will just have to eat it or starve.

Or you say, we do our own children's discipline and leave it at that.

Is he as abrupt to his own kids? Either way I wouldn’t want to live like that, it sounds constantly undermining for the DC and exhausting and stressful for you.

My oh is the same. Its very draining and depressing. Not sure what the answer is. My kids are both very hard work. I'm worn down and tend to give in but my oh always battles. It's exhausting. Maybe speak to your oh. You may be blended but he should respect your parenting style.

I agree with your parenting style. No step dad or bf around to confuse things but when they give out about dinner I say, well, it's not a restaurant! if you want a haunch of venison go to the Ivy! or , well, lobster tomorrow if you're paying!
I've also said in a jokey way that ''not every meal has to be a fine dining experience!''. I say it cheerfully though.

His attitude of getting pissy too quickly would annoy me. Try humour first !!!

Mostly men will try to dominate the household, if you have children he will use your children as leverage to dominate you and the household, this is why I would never live with a man again.

There was no response required to your DDs statement, she was just sharing her opinion!!

@frozendaisy I like both of your suggestions. Making a list for their trip would have a great approach.

Also getting him to step back from patenting mine.

@AnneLovesGilbert yes he's the same/worse with his own kids. It is exhausting.

Poor kids. All of them but especially yours.

Your choice, not your kids choice, to live with him and his kids.
Doesn't sound worth it from here but presumably it is, or you wouldn't be doing it

If he is able to step back from parenting your children then all well and good but my guess is that he sees himself as the boss, the head of the household and he will always want to be the one who has the last word, the one who sets the tone etc

It's draining for everyone, isn't it?

What does he do for work? I'm just wondering if approaching him from the perspective of "what is the best way to get people working co-operatively as a team - is it to go in assuming it's all going to be horrible and criticise them at every opportunity, or is it to praise their good work and try to make it a fun and positive experience for everyone?" might get through to him?

He sounds like a very domineering man, I don't think he will tolerate your children being treated more lightly and easily than his children are, especially under 'his' roof... A dominant man usually sees himself as the one in charge with the women and children as possessions that he owns and controls.
He will have less of an emotional attachment and sense of duty towards your children than towards his own and that may make him more inclined to dominate and control, them see them as possessions rather than people.
The fact that you describe this as exhausting suggests to me that his instinct is to keep up the pressure so that he can wear you down and make you fall in line with what he wants.

@Soothsayer1 I think you're being abit presumptuous with calling him a controlling man etc, op has only given us a snippet of what goes on his their house, just because he takes a different parenting manner with the kids to the op doesn't make him this possessive controlling man you're making out..
Op if I'm wrong then please correct me though !

Thank you for all your replies. I'm glad it's not just me! @pandwa yes correct, he's not controlling in our relationship. He seems to expect the kids to respond as adults.

We have talked about this issue a few times. He lays off for a bit but it returns.
He says he doesn't know another way of getting the kids to do what they're supposed to be doing.

I'm thinking we take the 'trip' example and work how how this could have gone better. E.g. make a list of tasks for everyone. Explaining you're not to be hand holding. Need to be done by 5pm. Consequence of not doing your tasks is e.g. docked pocket money, no devices that evening.

Could you read through "how to talk so kids listen, listen so kids will talk".

I think he would massively benefit from reading it and working through the tasks.

Negative grumpy men again! You'll be so much happier without him.

Is he this snappy with other people too? Wondering whether its just a parenting style he is copying from his own parents or whether he is like this in general, ie not acknowledging people's feeling and opinions...
I've realised that if people grow up like this and live in bubble of people who talk like this they dont realise its not nice to treat people like this.

You both need to sit down when you are alone and have a discussion and agree a mutually acceptable parenting style and both try to stick to it. Neither of you are right or wrong but not being consistent and therefore undermining each other is not a good way to raise children.

You say you've talked about it but it seems from the way you refer to this that it is you telling him his parenting style is not acceptable ("he lays off for a bit but it returns") rather than finding a mutually acceptable way forward. Is this the case?

I would strongly advise against having further talks where you are just trying to correct and coach him about his parenting as you are just treating him as a junior parent. Running through a list of how he could have done better in organising the trip preparation will not have the positive impact you are hoping for.

Also very typical of MN to have posters derailing the topic by reframing the issue as a man being controlling and domineering based on nothing but their own projections. Not helpful really.

@katepilar it's just with the kids

@Eleganz I agree, we have talked about but never really agreed a way forward. I've explained how it makes me feel, atmosphere in the house. He does seem to reflect on this and takes my views on board.

The idea of running through the trip as an example is so we run through something real and we can agree a way forward together for next time.