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Original poster

DH constantly telling off kids is getting me down

40 replies

BlackYellowBlue · 31/12/2022 11:38

Blended family, I have a girl and boy, 6 and 10. He has girl and boy, 11 and 14.

We have a positive relationship but definitely differ on parenting styles. He doesn't scream and shout but it's the constant telling off that gets wearing. Hearing it in the background all the time.

I try to approach things in a gentler manner and with a bit of humour and find I generally get the result I asked for. My stern approach is used when I feel it's needed.

Occasionally I feel he is too sharp to my kids. For example, 6 year old asks what's for dinner? Dh replies X. She says, oh I don't like X. He says, well you don't get a choice so you'll eat what you're given.

I feel this sort of clipped response causes an atmosphere. Am I being too soft?

I would have replied something like. ..that's what we are having for dinner so give it a try.....and move on. 6 yo will generally accept this and generally ends up eating it anyway.

Recently him and his kids were getting ready for a trip. I knew the prep wouldn't go easy....it was a whole day of constant bickering, telling off. It's not a blazing argument but it's the fact it's constant that gets me down.

Does anyone else relate to this or am I just being silly?

OP posts:

Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 14:09

pandwa · 31/12/2022 13:28

@Soothsayer1 I think you're being abit presumptuous with calling him a controlling man etc, op has only given us a snippet of what goes on his their house, just because he takes a different parenting manner with the kids to the op doesn't make him this possessive controlling man you're making out..
Op if I'm wrong then please correct me though !

My apologies for jumping to conclusions 🙏
I stand corrected!

PaperBagsAreUselessInRain · 31/12/2022 14:09

Would he read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen?

I am very matter of fact like your husband though I wouldn't constantly tell the kids off at all (I would respond how he did to the dinner question though!).

I had to learn different strategies for dealing with the dc and it still doesn't come entirely naturally. Some people are just better at this than others!

Eyerollcentral · 31/12/2022 14:15

@BlackYellowBlue hmmm you do sound a bit wet. There is nothing wrong with a six year old being Tod this is what’s for dinner. Every circumstance seems very involved - why did you need his input for prepping for a trip?

Eyerollcentral · 31/12/2022 14:15

*told

DarkKarmaIlama · 31/12/2022 14:25

Sometimes my DH can be a bit like that with ours. I tell him to shut up and stop being a moaning old twat. It seems to work. I don’t walk on eggshells for no one and I swiftly remind him that no one like a boring old twat etc.

Works for a good while but it does need nipping in the bud.

highlandslife · 31/12/2022 14:39

BlackYellowBlue · 31/12/2022 13:41

Thank you for all your replies. I'm glad it's not just me! @pandwa yes correct, he's not controlling in our relationship. He seems to expect the kids to respond as adults.

We have talked about this issue a few times. He lays off for a bit but it returns.
He says he doesn't know another way of getting the kids to do what they're supposed to be doing.

I'm thinking we take the 'trip' example and work how how this could have gone better. E.g. make a list of tasks for everyone. Explaining you're not to be hand holding. Need to be done by 5pm. Consequence of not doing your tasks is e.g. docked pocket money, no devices that evening.

Does he want to parent differently or is he satisfied with his approach? If he's saying he'd like to parent your way but doesn't have the tools can you work on it together? Eg read a book or do a course?

Original poster

BlackYellowBlue · 31/12/2022 14:53

@PaperBagsAreUselessInRain I will have a look that. Someone else mentioned the same book. Thanks!

OP posts:

Original poster

BlackYellowBlue · 31/12/2022 14:56

@Eyerollcentral I agree a six year can be told whats for dinner. I just don't see the point of a snappy response when it could have been responded to with a bit of humour instead.

Why did I need his input for trip prepping? Not sure you've read the thread properly. He was going on the trip. Not me

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/12/2022 14:59

So much of what DC and adults say is about just being heard and a bit of empathy or sympathy.

"I don't really like that" - an empathetic response or a simple non-response of "oh that's a shame" is all that needs to be said. They have opinions and thoughts that they want to be heard/considered. She wasn't asking for a different meal 🤷🏽‍♀️

Original poster

BlackYellowBlue · 31/12/2022 15:00

RandomMess · 31/12/2022 14:59

So much of what DC and adults say is about just being heard and a bit of empathy or sympathy.

@RandomMess agree completely

OP posts:

Orangebike · 31/12/2022 15:04

My DH can do this constant running tap of negging sometimes. I hate it. But I did manage to gently talk to him about it and noticed him try and stop. (He slips into negging very easily though. As does his mother, so it’s how he was raised.)

Can you talk to your DH about it in a way that would make a change? Ie: maybe say a word when he’s doing it like “Potato!” And that might help him notice?

HellonHeels · 31/12/2022 15:05

Your poor kids having to life with that. Must be a joyless existence at times. Is that really what you want for them?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/12/2022 15:21

How long have you been together?.

I do not think this is going to work out and you may need to reassess this whole relationship.

How do you get on with his children?. Have his children also accepted your own

Whose house did you move into; his?. The power and control balance lies mainly with him here.

BuHao · 31/12/2022 17:07

My husband was like this. 1000 rules for every situation and always accused me of being too soft. I spent years walking on eggshells. We are currently divorcing and I am enormously happy now.

bumpytrumpy · 31/12/2022 17:53

Sparkletastic · 31/12/2022 11:51

He sounds like a drag and not a positive influence to have around your DCs.

This. Why have you blended your family?

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