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Original poster

Proposal joke?!

43 replies

MeltedRose · 30/12/2022 15:49

Help!

My partner who I have been with for nearly 5 years has recently disrespected me and I am struggling with it.

Before I go into it, just let you know that me and him had no intentions of marriage but he is very very against marriage.

Back in October we went to an wedding, throughout the wedding he kept mentioning that I am his future wife and that he will propose soon. This caught me by surprise so I acted normal, pretending I didn’t hear anything even though it was in front of me with groups of people.
Around this time my rings went missing, you can only imagine what I was thinking. At first I wasn’t sure about if I were to say yes if he was going to ask but as months went on, the more I thought about it, the more likely it actually changed to a yes. That change is huge since I struggle to trust people and did not think marriage would be possible. I thought maybe he changed his mind without telling me and the wedding vibe got him going. He was completely sober at this wedding.

For December he planned a few Christmas light walks so I thought is this when he’s gonna it? No it wasn’t. Then I thought Christmas Day…. It wasn’t. After watching TV when couple got engaged, I said to him “if you ever propose to me I don’t mind what ring it is… onion ring, party ring, doughnut ring my answer would probably be yes.” and that’s when everything changed. He told me that he never wants to marry me.

We spent few days arguing because he strongly doesn’t remember saying about proposal to me and even accused me of making it up. In the past when I told him stuff that he didn’t believe, he would always say I made it up until someone got proof. He eventually asked the people who witnessed him if what I said was true, they confirmed it was.
He hasn’t said sorry for anything as he think he doesn’t owe anything as it was my mind that created something in my head that wasn’t going to happen.

I trusted him, trusted him enough to think about marrying him and he only said it as a joke at a wedding to be less awkward. Who does that? It is okay to be unmarried at weddings. He could of told everybody the truth but he didn’t. Now he’s acting like nothing happened and wants us to move on. He wants children with me and future with me.

How do I believe him with anything? I feel like I don’t trust him in same way. Half the people I told says i should walk away because I deserve better. The other half thinks I should try to trust him again and move on despite the fact he massively embarrassed me.

I feel like a idiot and I wish I could just get on a plane, fly away from this.

Has anyone been in this situation? What should I do?

OP posts:
bathsh3ba · 30/12/2022 15:54

Personally I would walk for two reasons. Most importantly because he is gaslighting you about your reaction. But also because it sounds like you do want to get married, and he isn't going yo give that to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/12/2022 15:57

"Half the people I told says i should walk away because I deserve better".

Indeed you do deserve better but you need to properly believe this for your own self. Why are you with this man anyway, apart from anything else he sounds bloody awful as well as selfish. Of course he wants you to act like nothing has happened because in his head nothing has happened. And FGS do not have children by him!.

You know this man is very very against marriage but trusted him enough to think about marrying him!. How low is your relationship bar here exactly?. Its sub floor level.

Why did you choose him to be in a relationship with and now for five years at that?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Do not waste any more of your life and or time on such a person.

I would get on that plane.

MatildaTheCat · 30/12/2022 15:57

Two issues. Firstly he’s hurt your feelings and that feels horrible. Was he pissed when he said it at the wedding? If so make a note of that.

Secondly, he wants you to have children together? Have a strong boundary here. If you do not want children outside of marriage then do not agree to it and certainly not on a promise that a wedding will come later.

If you want different things that can’t be reconciled then you need to reconsider unfortunately. It sucks but better than a disappointed life.

Sorry.

Doyoumind · 30/12/2022 15:58

Sounds like something from a romcom where she finds a good'un in the end.

He sounds like a dick you would be better off without.

Watchkeys · 30/12/2022 16:32

I don't think you have trouble trusting people. I think you are sticking with untrustworthy people when you'd be better to walk away, so you have a higher proportion of untrustworthy people in your life.

How do I believe him with anything? I feel like I don’t trust him in same way

If you don't trust him fully, believing him about things isn't something you try to do. You accept that he's broken your trust, and that the relationship can't continue in light of that. Otherwise him lying to you becomes a problem in your relationship because you are failing to do something, which abdicates him of all responsibility for the lies.

What's wrong with 'You're a liar and I need to be in a relationship with someone I trust, so this is goodbye'?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/12/2022 16:34

Don't have children with him without getting married if marriage is important to you. Sounds like he wants the best bits of marriage with none of the legal and emotional commitment.

yellowsmileyface · 30/12/2022 16:38

I don't think the biggest problem here is the joke proposal (as messed up as that was), it's his response to your feelings about it. He essentially tried to gaslight you into believing it was all in your head. You shouldn't have to get a 3rd party to confirm these things in a relationship. After being caught out, he's not acknowledging that he's upset you and wants to move on like nothing happened. It sounds like it was his intention to mess with your head all along.

category12 · 30/12/2022 16:53

yellowsmileyface · 30/12/2022 16:38

I don't think the biggest problem here is the joke proposal (as messed up as that was), it's his response to your feelings about it. He essentially tried to gaslight you into believing it was all in your head. You shouldn't have to get a 3rd party to confirm these things in a relationship. After being caught out, he's not acknowledging that he's upset you and wants to move on like nothing happened. It sounds like it was his intention to mess with your head all along.

This!

It's a huge problem in your relationship that he gaslights you and makes you prove things to him like that.

Also, what happened to your rings? Has he pawned them or something?

It sounds like he's actually led you on deliberately only to pull the rug out from under, and is now gaslighting you by saying it's all in your head.

I would end the relationship.

You clearly would like marriage, and you shouldn't settle for half-measures in life, nor have children with someone who messes with your head.

pinneddownbytabbies · 30/12/2022 16:54

He is gaslighting you. If he's done it once, he will do it again. I strongly suggest that you re-evaluate this relationship, and whether you want to stay in it.

honeylulu · 30/12/2022 16:58

Horrible of him. No idea if he said it (spur of the moment or lightheartedly joking) and forgot or teased you deliberately and knows it.

Don't have children with him if you want to marry as he won't agree to once you have them (and it's best to be married unless you're comfortably financially independent). You'll have nothing left to negotiate with.

He sounds horrible anyway, as if he enjoys calling the shots and keeping "the little woman" in her place.

honeylulu · 30/12/2022 16:59

Did your rings ever turn up?

Aquasulis · 30/12/2022 17:00

bathsh3ba · 30/12/2022 15:54

Personally I would walk for two reasons. Most importantly because he is gaslighting you about your reaction. But also because it sounds like you do want to get married, and he isn't going yo give that to you.

This Narcs will often offer marriage if you aren’t certain and refuse it - if you want it.

he sounds like a tight knob

YoSofi · 30/12/2022 17:06

Playing devils advocate, do you think he’s gone on the defensive because a proposal is imminent and he wants to throw you off? A bit like Chandler in friends?

If that’s what it is then it’s still cruel and I’d be pissed off but if he genuinely doesn’t want to get married and is gaslighting you to boot, you need to get rid. You deserve better.

Lysianthus · 30/12/2022 17:08

I'm interested in why your rings went missing. Was expecting you to tell us that he's so tight he used one of them to propose to you...

Crazykatie · 30/12/2022 17:14

The trusting relationship has gone, it doesn’t matter whose fault, it is finished so it’s time to go and start again.
A major breakup like this cannot be repaired so leave.

InFiveMins · 30/12/2022 17:28

Honestly, I'd tell him that if he isn't prepared to get married, our relationship is over.

He wants children and a future with you but doesn't want to fully commit. Don't put up with it!

What happened to your rings?!

Iwannabeacrocodilehunter · 30/12/2022 17:29

Ummm, why can I only focus on where the rings are??!!!

minticecreamisjustok · 30/12/2022 17:30

He can't authentically be himself around others, telling people around them to impress them into thinking he's a good guy. Nothing wrong is not getting married if you both agree and stick to your principles, but very confusing that you thought he had a change of heart.
I'd end it if you hope to get married one day, don't wait on him.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/12/2022 17:35

We spent few days arguing because he strongly doesn’t remember saying about proposal to me and even accused me of making it up. In the past when I told him stuff that he didn’t believe, he would always say I made it up until someone got proof. He eventually asked the people who witnessed him if what I said was true, they confirmed it was.
He hasn’t said sorry for anything as he think he doesn’t owe anything as it was my mind that created something in my head that wasn’t going to happen.

You've accidentally ended up with the type of man who values women so little that he is unable to accept a word they say unless it is validated by a man someone else.

This is a far bigger issue than whether he proposes or not.

He DOES remember the things he denies happen, or says you mis-remember. He just enjoys the power-play of undermining you by pretending not to.

You are right not to trust him. He's a gameplayer & he's gaslighting you.
How do you feel about ditching him?

Joshitai · 30/12/2022 17:36

me and him had no intentions of marriage but he is very very against marriage.

Back in October we went to an wedding, throughout the wedding he kept mentioning that I am his future wife and that he will propose soon. This caught me by surprise so I acted normal, pretending I didn’t hear anything even though it was in front of me with groups of people.

You had agency here as well though. Knowing there’s no intention to marry, knowing he is against marriage; you decided to pretend you had not heard his “future wife” comments and then built a fantasy in your head of him proposing to you.

You didn’t have to do this, nor did he cause this. You should have asked him what he meant either when he said the “future wife” comments or soon after. He could have clarified for you immediately that he had been joking and hadn’t had a sudden about face in his intentions and beliefs regarding marriage.

I don’t think he has disrespected you. I think you have realised marriage is important to you after all, and therefore you and & are not compatible.

As PPs have said, I think you deserve and can find a partner who also wants marriage. You don’t have to settle for this as it’s not what you really want. I don’t see why though you need to construct a narrative that he has done something horrible for you to break up with him.

PenanceAdair · 30/12/2022 17:36

I'd definitely walk away because he's still choosing to blame you despite others confirming that what you said is true. He hasn't apologised either so this shows this is someone who'd not admit they're wrong and will infact turn it on you as if it's your fault even in the face of evidence. That is completely bizarre!

I wouldn't even think to have children with this man or you're in for multiple heartbreaks like this one.

Lookingoutside · 30/12/2022 17:40

He’s horrible. Get rid of him and have a nice nye just for you.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/12/2022 17:41

I don’t think he has disrespected you.

Lying, undermining, pretending not to believe his truthful partner's word, & gaslighting her into the bargain aren't disrespectful?

How did you manage to come to that conclusion, @Joshitai ?

category12 · 30/12/2022 17:41

Joshitai · 30/12/2022 17:36

me and him had no intentions of marriage but he is very very against marriage.

Back in October we went to an wedding, throughout the wedding he kept mentioning that I am his future wife and that he will propose soon. This caught me by surprise so I acted normal, pretending I didn’t hear anything even though it was in front of me with groups of people.

You had agency here as well though. Knowing there’s no intention to marry, knowing he is against marriage; you decided to pretend you had not heard his “future wife” comments and then built a fantasy in your head of him proposing to you.

You didn’t have to do this, nor did he cause this. You should have asked him what he meant either when he said the “future wife” comments or soon after. He could have clarified for you immediately that he had been joking and hadn’t had a sudden about face in his intentions and beliefs regarding marriage.

I don’t think he has disrespected you. I think you have realised marriage is important to you after all, and therefore you and & are not compatible.

As PPs have said, I think you deserve and can find a partner who also wants marriage. You don’t have to settle for this as it’s not what you really want. I don’t see why though you need to construct a narrative that he has done something horrible for you to break up with him.

The horrible bit was him completely denying he'd ever said those things at the wedding.

GreyCarpet · 30/12/2022 17:42

Half the people think you should try and trust him again?

But you can trust him.

You can trust him to joke about serious things; you can trust him to humiliate you in public; you can trust him to be insincere; and you can trust him to deny and gaslight you and seek proof from others because your word isn't enough.

What exactly do they want you to trust?

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