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Original poster

Why can't my ex husband just move on??

34 replies

rainydayMonday · 30/12/2022 10:25

This is something I can't help but mull over, even after 5 years of being divorced.
My husband of 23 years had a short affair and the woman got pregnant (we already have two grown up kids) so I filed for divorce and that was that. They are still together. 20 years difference between them and now 2 young kids.

Despite irregular sex, we were really good friends and never had any major issues. Husband worked abroad for 8 months and met the OW. It was such a shock and consequently became messy, nasty and painful for all involved.

I'm totally over him but he still acts very peculiarly with me. He avoids me when dropping the kids off, speaks in a very monosyllabic voice when I ask him how his family is, makes no eye contact and makes the odd, derogatory comment to our kids about me. He very much plays the victim as regards lack of money, being tired.....blah, blah...

It would be so much easier for all if he could be pleasant (I see so many of my divorced friends being civil with their exes as the pain subsides and life moves on). He's even said to our daughter that he won't come to her wedding (when and if she gets married) as he wouldn't want to see me!

I find this such odd behaviour after all these years considering HE was the one to fuck up!

If I'm honest, I don't think he's happy, but why be vile to me?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 30/12/2022 10:29

It's either that or admit to himself that he's a cheating arsehole and his current situation is entirely his own fault.

He makes you the bad guy to fool himself. He blames you because it's easier than accepting responsibility for his choices.

MisfitMaiden · 30/12/2022 10:31

It seems to me that he's not processed the guilt he feels for what he did to you.

Definitely the actions of a guilty person. Avoiding eye contact etc.

Original poster
rainydayMonday · 30/12/2022 10:34

It's been sooooo many years though and he's remarried??

OP posts:
thedevilinablackdress · 30/12/2022 10:36

Maybe he's not had anyone to have an honest talk with about his actions, guilt, and feelings.
Side-eyes own divorced father

MiniHouse · 30/12/2022 10:38

Sounds like guilt. Have you asked him if he'd like to get on and explained you'd like to be in a position where you can both go to a wedding? I mean you shouldn't have to, it's ridiculous it's his fault. But it sounds like he doesn't know how to handle his life.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 30/12/2022 10:39

Sounds like guilt and regret that your doing well with your life while he's old and having to do all the baby years again from his own fuck up.

Angela59 · 30/12/2022 10:41

This rings bells with me
My guess he’s not happy in his current relationship

Dogsogdog · 30/12/2022 10:41

What a tit, he fucked up, is clearly not happy and wants to blame you

Starseeking · 30/12/2022 10:44

I'm guessing he realises what he lost in family life with you (no doubt he wanted to have his cake and eat it), feels guilty at the monumental mess he caused, and blaming you (casting you as the villain of the piece), makes him feel marginally better about himself.

I imagine he can't even look at you as the guilt is probably overwhelming, poor lamb.

I hope you are living well OP and enjoying your best life. I'd focus on that, and ignore his childish behaviour. If he chooses not to attend your DC weddings on future, that's his decision 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Triffid1 · 30/12/2022 10:44

Could be so many things. Guilt, as said here. Anger that you dared to actually toss him out when he had an affair. Possibly new wife feels threatened by you because she knows he only came to her because you kicked him out.

Also, in my experience, men always think they got screwed in divorce negotiations. So maybe he's still butter about that.

Greyskyblue · 30/12/2022 10:48

It’s because you had the temerity to end it rather than doing the ‘pick-me’ dance. He wanted to have his original life back but you scuppered his plans.

Now he is blaming you for his contraceptive failures and consequent shitty life with 2 small kids when he could be having a more pleasant relaxed lifestyle. What does he expect your DC to do? Disown you so he can go to their weddings. Like a toddler tantrum.

Just be civil and don’t let him into your headspace in any way.

PollyPeeves · 30/12/2022 10:49

OP my exH is exactly the same with me.
He has remarried and has a child. I am engaged and have another child but the two DC we have together go between.
I suspect his behaviour towards me is more to do with his wife’s feelings towards me but it does not excuse his behaviour.

Original poster
rainydayMonday · 30/12/2022 10:49

@Triffid1 - oh yes ! He definitely thinks that about the divorce negotiations.

He also has no friends so I don't think he's ever discussed anything with anyone. I on the other hand have talked and talked and been to counselling, am happily single and have sorted my shit out ! Hurrah!

OP posts:
ShakespearesBlister · 30/12/2022 10:50

Sounds like a narcissist who just can't come to terms with the fact that he didn't get to control how the marriage ended. When you escape from them they try to destroy your reputation by bad mouthing you and make themselves out to be the victims.

Bemyclementine · 30/12/2022 10:51

Same here. Separated 5 years. Instigated by me as I was incredibly unhappy to put it mildly. He is , or appears to be, full of bitterness and hate. Doesn't talk to me, one word answers. Blames me for everything.

Bemyclementine · 30/12/2022 10:52

@ShakespearesBlister NAIL ON HEAD! In my case also.

Original poster
rainydayMonday · 30/12/2022 10:52

@PollyPeeves his wife is very jealous of any woman he comes into contact with, so I expect this could be part of it, but I just wished he'd man up and act his age. He's 56 for gods sake !

OP posts:
Goodread1 · 30/12/2022 10:53

Hi Op
I agree with previous opinions given.

I think of his situation he created is not quite living up to his expectations, and he is struggling to reconcile the fantasy, he had whilst he was having a affair with mistress to the reality of life/ and mundane repetitive hard slog of early years parenthood the usual normal added stress/challenges effect that has on a couple,new parents,
It's entirely his own fault,

It's a combination/mix of all opinions you have had , and mine take.

He could also feel bit/somewhat regret now too,
But indenial of it too,

The main thing is ,
You are well rid of Arsehole and having the last 😃 laugh by the sounds of it Op,

Forget about him,
He is just not worth it, end of day.
Act as if he has passed away, he died doesn't exist anymore ,

enjoy rest of your life,
you deserve it..
Allways think /feel deserve better, in relantships
so less likely attract/or put up with Crap men in future.

tribpot · 30/12/2022 10:56

Yep, he wants to paint you as the villain, whereas he was of course forced to shag someone else, get them pregnant, split assets fairly get hosed in the divorce.

He certainly shouldn't have told your daughter that he wouldn't attend her potential future wedding, but it's really up to her to manage that now as an adult. I'd suggest she just says 'that's up to you, dad'. He wants a reaction and for her to side with him - she shouldn't give it a second thought.

And you shouldn't either. When he's rude and monosyllabic, just act breezily as if you haven't even noticed, nothing will piss him off more.

3487642l · 30/12/2022 11:06

Treating you like this helps him maintain a coherent narrative in his mind that you deserved his cheating, the alternative for him is facing up to the fact he hurt you and behaved badly. Many people can't acknowledge their flaws or mistakes, even to themselves.

KettrickenSmiled · 30/12/2022 11:17

his wife is very jealous of any woman he comes into contact with

Ha, of course she is, she knows at first hand that he's a cheat. I expect she keeps him on a short leash. Tough tits to him.

If he wants to be bitter & pretend his less than satisfactory life isn't entirely of his own making, let him. If he wants to avoid his own daughter's wedding - let him. What a nasty little prat, to even think this, let alone make a great hurtful pronouncement of it - when DD isn't even considering marriage yet ... he is monumentally selfish & petty.

Also - let him be vile to you. Try seeing him as a glove puppet, acting out a script. It's predictable, boring, & sad. But it doesn't have to actually touch you in any real way.
Or you could choose to have fun with it. "What a pleasure to see your cheerful beaming face, I so look forward to these special moments with you." He makes some hurtful or woe-is me remark - bat it back: you are NOT obliged to play the part of Perfect Parent to counterbalance his awfulness.

BronwenFrideswide · 30/12/2022 11:32

He's discovered the grass isn't greener, he's lost the thrill of the affair and is now having to be husband and father which is not what the affair was about or for, cold hard reality has hit and he doesn't like it and he needs a scapegoat/someone to aim his frustrations at because he can't possibly admit or see that he is the one who failed and he has chosen you for his resentment, he didn't expect to be held accountable for his actions and for his actions to have consequences and you (quite rightly) did that. He's shocked that his grand plan backfired on him and is blaming you.

Just ignore him, @rainydayMonday don't try to engage with him, no small talk, no asking how he and the family are, hello and goodbye is enough.

However, what an absolute turd of a human being he is to have said that to your daughter, if I was her I'd never forgive him for that. He won't attend her wedding, his loss, but your poor daughter having that said to her.

MothralovesGojira · 30/12/2022 11:49

I feel your pain and frustration. My DS spent the majority of Boxing Day having to listen to ExH spout off about how his divorce from me has cost him £140,000 and how he's so badly off.....I divorced him 23 years ago! He also got away with only paying me 10k from the profits of our house when he sold it for 3x what I paid for it. I was the major earner and walked away due to his threats to harm me and DS when I left due to his abuse.
He also talked a lot about all the women at his work who are chasing him, all in front of his long suffering 2nd wife who is now an alcoholic as a refuge from his abuse.

My DS also believed when he was growing up all the usual bullshit these losers spout. It made mine and my DP's lives very difficult particularly through the teen years. Fortunately DS can now see ExH for what he is - a bitter, twisted, abusive arsehole who even now refuses to give his own DS any help (financial or otherwise) because I left him so poor. He's not poor as he readily admits that he's sitting on 100k cash savings pot like a King Midas merged with Gollum! Thankfully he's not had any more kids due to them being expensive and the fact that he can't hack it if his 2nd wife's attention isn't focused on him 100%. We all wish that his wife would just up and leave his sorry arse.

Marineboy67 · 30/12/2022 12:28

The problem is he still loves you, and alongside side that also will still exhibit these dysfunctional characteristics your experiencing. He's embarrassed to look at you and realises he no longer has any control over the situation. I get a similar vibe off my ex wife, she's married but insists on treating anyone I've been with horribly.
In his head he's never properly moved on, until he does his stupid behaviour will most likely continue.

pocketvenuss · 30/12/2022 13:45

rainydayMonday · 30/12/2022 10:52

@PollyPeeves his wife is very jealous of any woman he comes into contact with, so I expect this could be part of it, but I just wished he'd man up and act his age. He's 56 for gods sake !

So she was 25ish and he was 51ish when they got together. I very much suspect life isn't all rosy as they both had hoped for. He's dealing with toddlers/young dc and she's dealing with a grumpy older dh with half the money she thought he had. Good grief. What a depressing future. She'll be in her 50s. He will be properly old. He's got teenage years coming and will be dealing with his wife's menopause when he is ready to live a peaceful life. Oh joy.