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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separating has hurt his ego, not his heart

33 replies

Spaghettibolono · 30/12/2022 10:11

We recently decided on a 4 week trial separation which has continued through Christmas, making it now 8 weeks.

DH moved back to his parents' house in the short term as they had space for him and I have no family around.

We've been sharing the children (5 and 9) and he often comes to the house to see them in addition to them spending a couple of overnights at his parents' house. It's been very civil up to this point and I have dropped a lot of my boundaries to allow him to see the children in the family home to the detriment of my own feelings and mental health. I have also been cooking for him, plating meals up for him when cooking for myself and the children as his parents don't cook and he's still paying for all bills and groceries. My earnings pay for everything "extra."

I really hoped that this trial would reset things and make us miss each other, bringing us back together again. I hoped he would start appreciating me, valuing us as a couple after a couple of years of de-prioritising each other and living separate lives.

We met for talks 2 days ago and it was awful. I talked about the things that have hurt me, listed some things that needed to change, told him I'd missed him in various ways. He just seemed angry. Angry that he's been staying with his parents, angry with me for having feelings about various things, accused me of "hating everyone" as I told him that not being around his father and brother has brought me immense relief in recent weeks and I won't be spending time with them in the future. He also accused me of keeping a burner phone which he believes I have been using to disparage his family online. This is not true but comes as a result of me seeking support from an online group around his father's mysoginistic ways. We were expected to see his family all the time and I hated it. DH is not like him at all- on the surface, is the kindest, sweetest man- people love him. This side of him has taken me by surprise and I can see that beneath the surface, he has many of the crappy traits his father has.

He wouldn't empathise with anything I had to say but was very accusatory. I started crying and he stormed off, leaving me alone. I drove home to the children and an hour later, he used his key, quietly let himself in to our house, then appeared in the lounge, sat on the sofa with the children acting as if nothing had happened between us. I had to lie and say we were going out to get him to leave infront of the children. I then had to lie to the children and say that our friends had cancelled.

I can see that this separation has bruised his ego and it was like he despised me. I thought that we would find a way back together, but it seems impossible to find any common ground.

I'm devastated.
Just reaching out for advice and a hand hold, but also wondering, is this how separation affects men? Their egos hurt the most?

He has messaged me since, pretending the conversation and subsequent upset never happened, asking about my sister's damaged car and I've told him I will not be merrily messaging him as if nothing has been said and that i find his behaviour cruel and cold. He hasn't even replied. I'm going to find it difficult to keep things purely about the children and matter of fact, but it seems that's what I'm going to need to do?

I can't see a way back for us now.

OP posts:

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 30/12/2022 10:19

I would imagine that seeing him so differently will have squashed any thoughts of reconciliation. That must be very hard.

Good luck getting your head and your heart around that. Also with working out how to best extricate yourself from the relationship.

Original poster

Spaghettibolono · 30/12/2022 11:03

Yes I think its has squashed any hopes I had@SamphirethePogoingStickerist . He's clearly angry and yet he's not taken any opportunities I've given him for us to talk things through over recent weeks until now. If he had to choose between talking to me after the children had gone to bed or going out with friends, he's gone out. The times he's not gone out with friends he's been "too tired" to talk and left.

Thank you. I just need to work out what to do next now.

OP posts:

Elsanore · 30/12/2022 18:57

This sounds really hard, well done for how strong you've been so far.

His terrible behaviour recently is actually him doing you a favour- it will help you make a clear and final decision to divorce. Sneaking in using his key to act like everything was ok and to start denying conversations had happened- that is quite chilling. I also think it's odd and a red flag regarding control that you were cooking for him and plating up meals for him when you were supposedly separated.

Get the key off him asap OP! And make it clear he can feed himself now-his servant has quit.

I hope this is the beginning of you getting rid of this man.

Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2022 19:17

What a dick he is. It sounds like he is even thinking of moving back in whether you like it or not. Showing up at your house after your meet up went badly... it's so creepy. That and the accusations about you having a burner phone. Tbh op, I'm a bit worried for you. I'm not sure this man will take 'no' well at all.

I'd be looking to move somewhere he has no rights and access too, ASAP.

Leomii81 · 30/12/2022 19:24

This behaviour is weird think he's showing you his true colours

AgentJohnson · 30/12/2022 19:24

The problem with waiting for the other party, is exactly the situation you are currently in. What do you want? How long are you willing to wait for what you want? Are there things you can do to trigger forward momentum I.e counselling?

You really need to be unambiguous about your position. The expectation of trial separations really need to be vocalised by both parties.

Its time to put verbs in your sentences and make it clear what you want, pondering about his ego is a pointless distraction.

Original poster

Spaghettibolono · 30/12/2022 20:47

He won't give me his key because he still owns half the house and is paying more than his fair share of everything. I feel tied and trapped in.

I think "creepy" is a good way to describe the way he's acting. I find it all quite creepy. He dropped the children off this evening and tried to make out he needed to stay to put the children to bed but I got him to leave. He then implied he was coming over tomorrow for new year, infront of the children. I had to play bad cop and say how we're watching a film and then all going to bed at normal time so no point. I'm now miserable mummy for not saying they can stay up late.

He's acting very possessively but yet seems very reluctant to do any positive work on our marriage so that we can get back together. His Dad is controlling but I'm starting to see the subtle ways that he is too. I am starting to see that "no" isn't going to be an answer he'll accept too.

Nobody we know would ever believe that he's like this. Luckily, my mum saw him return to the house after our upsetting exchange, watched him sneak into the lounge as she was looking after the children. She didn't like it either and was as confused by it as I was.

OP posts:

Amsooverthis · 31/12/2022 08:00

I would put a bolt on the door as well so he can't just come in, there's nothing wrong with having extra security. Plus get a doorbell camera for when you are not at home and he might come round.

Original poster

Spaghettibolono · 31/12/2022 08:30

I'm planning to do exactly as you say @Amsooverthis I'm ordering a camera today and hopefully getting someone to fit a chain for me if I can't figure out how to fit it myself

OP posts:

Throwncrumbs · 31/12/2022 08:41

You can’t lock him out of a house that’s half his

hahatate · 31/12/2022 08:47

Once you fully split what will happen with the house? Can you afford to pay the bills yourself and buy him out? Or will you sell and both buy elsewhere?

He is showing you who he really is and if you haven't had these boundaries before he probably didn't need to.

Arrivederla · 31/12/2022 09:00

Probably time to start divorce proceedings op - it doesn't look like things are going to improve. 💐

bluejelly · 31/12/2022 09:07

I think it's time to find a solicitor. Best of luck

Kenny69 · 31/12/2022 09:09

Amsooverthis · 31/12/2022 08:00

I would put a bolt on the door as well so he can't just come in, there's nothing wrong with having extra security. Plus get a doorbell camera for when you are not at home and he might come round.

This is not very good advice, if the house is 1/2 his and he paying the mortgage you cannot really lock him out of his own property which he has legal access to

LemonTT · 31/12/2022 09:10

He owns half the house and is supporting you financially. It would not be a good idea to lock him out. What you can do is start to separate yourself from him, financially and physically. Claim CMS and benefits. Ideally you should have a conversation about the practicalities of separation. He needs a home where he can see his children alone and eat. You need your own income.

The talks sound awful from both perspectives. Instead of saying how you feel both of you made accusations. No matter how justified, voicing them all at him was bound to result in him being defensive. He then became passive aggressive by showing his rights to the home. That is not creepy it is a statement of intent. He can make life difficult for you.

If you want to resolve issues then you will need counselling, alone or together.

MadeForThis · 31/12/2022 09:16

Not excusing his behaviour at all but I would guess he is constantly being fed toxic anger by his DF at home. It is obviously his choice to listen to it rather than work on his marriage. It's always easier to hear that your wife is wrong rather than accepting that you need to make changes.

Eleganz · 31/12/2022 09:19

Sounds like it is over OP. You are just seeing negatives now and clearly his father is such an oppressive and negative influence on your life I'm not sure that there is anything to be done as you will always view him through that lens.

One thing to say though is that expecting your husband to have no anger and frustration at his situation is quite unrealistic. He is never going to be all sweetness and light in this situation. It seems you are wanting the separation to suddenly improve his communication and change him positively as a person but it won't ever do that in my opinion. This isn't about excusing his behaviour but more about managing your expectations of what this phase will actually do.

Itsthewhitehat · 31/12/2022 09:25

Just to throw a different perspective.

He his paying for a home he doesn’t live in and being told he can’t have access. He is the one having to stay with parents and go back and forth to a house he isn’t welcomed to, to see his kids.

You talk about allowing him to see the children at your shared house and he has, likely, picked up on, that being your point of view. You aren’t allowing him into his own home. It’s also still his home. Then you talk, which is you listing a long list of his failings and dislikes about his family. While I suspect you are spot on about his family, he loves them. I know my mother wasn’t perfect. I know my dad isn’t. Really not perfect. But I still love them and if someone listed all the reasons they hate them, whilst I am in a stressed situation, I would be angry too.

These cover stations rarely go well, in an uncontrolled environment when both people are stressed an upset. You want to get out your grievances, but that can feel like an attack. He is feeling attacked so closing down and not giving you what you need.

I am not saying he is perfect. He clearly isn’t. But you are complaining he doesn’t see it from your side and you don’t see it from his.

I think this is one of those situations where someone has to bite the bullet. Make a decision and work quickly to get to a point where you both have separate lives. You aren’t depending on him for the house and he doesn’t have a right to access. Him, having his own home where the kids can stay and that is his own.

Couple counselling may help. Not to stay together, but to try and split amicably.

Yankw · 31/12/2022 09:28

Sounds like the separation has provided clarity on what you need to do next. If you didn’t have children would you have even been considering reconciliation? I suspect not. Move forward with your life now and bring this chapter to an end.

Original poster

Spaghettibolono · 31/12/2022 09:47

He hasn't at any point been told he can't have access to the home. As stated in the OP, he has been coming in and out regularly with no complaints from me until his recent manipulative game of walking off, leaving me upset and then returning to the home sneakily and creepily walking in and sitting down an hour later.

It was bizarre.

Of course he has rights.
But I need to remain in the house until it is sold and I also need some boundaries for my sake and the childrens.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spaghettibolono · 31/12/2022 09:50

We tried couple counselling and he refused to attend again after she suggested he explore a possibly (a rabbit warren I don't really want to go down here). The counsellor saw that he can not empathise at all.

I suggested another counsellor and he refused.

I've been having counselling on my own ever since. I suggested he does the same but he hasn't.

He's extremely stubborn and refuses any help or support to improve anything at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spaghettibolono · 31/12/2022 09:55

He owns half the house and is supporting you financially. It would not be a good idea to lock him out. What you can do is start to separate yourself from him, financially and physically
@LemonTT
This is the problem.
How do I separate myself from him physically when he's still coming in and out of the house and I have no rights to do anything about it?

The house will eventually be sold, but that's months down the line. There are some works to be completed on it before I can do that. I've tried to put it on the market sooner but her refuses until the work is done- he's also dragging his heals on the work.

OP posts:

2FelisCatus · 31/12/2022 09:58

You need a solicitor OP. You need an agreed contact plan. You can't lock him out so the next few months will be not much fun.

cosmiccosmos · 31/12/2022 10:13

The problem is this - he is in control and he knows it. He has already sneeked in and is dragging his heels on any work so you can leave and get away from him. From what you e written he will only get worse, start to force boundaries and say he has to move back in.

Do you have no family you can go to?

I think you need to start setting boundaries within what you can control. Stop cooking for him (just why are you doing this?) and no laundry or anything if he moves back in. Do you work? Go and get a job and start to get some independence. You need a plan that you can work through to give yourself some focus so you are nit just thinking about what he is doing/going to do.

pumpkinsareshortlived · 31/12/2022 10:16

MadeForThis · 31/12/2022 09:16

This!

With his family background, have you tried empathising with how he might be processing/reacting to this trial separation, particularly around Christmas when families usually come together? Perhaps your demands (after influence from his male relatives) could be interpretated as emasculating and he's failing to respond in the loving way you describe him and had hoped for?

Please consider the neutral ground of marital counselling.

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