We recently decided on a 4 week trial separation which has continued through Christmas, making it now 8 weeks.
DH moved back to his parents' house in the short term as they had space for him and I have no family around.
We've been sharing the children (5 and 9) and he often comes to the house to see them in addition to them spending a couple of overnights at his parents' house. It's been very civil up to this point and I have dropped a lot of my boundaries to allow him to see the children in the family home to the detriment of my own feelings and mental health. I have also been cooking for him, plating meals up for him when cooking for myself and the children as his parents don't cook and he's still paying for all bills and groceries. My earnings pay for everything "extra."
I really hoped that this trial would reset things and make us miss each other, bringing us back together again. I hoped he would start appreciating me, valuing us as a couple after a couple of years of de-prioritising each other and living separate lives.
We met for talks 2 days ago and it was awful. I talked about the things that have hurt me, listed some things that needed to change, told him I'd missed him in various ways. He just seemed angry. Angry that he's been staying with his parents, angry with me for having feelings about various things, accused me of "hating everyone" as I told him that not being around his father and brother has brought me immense relief in recent weeks and I won't be spending time with them in the future. He also accused me of keeping a burner phone which he believes I have been using to disparage his family online. This is not true but comes as a result of me seeking support from an online group around his father's mysoginistic ways. We were expected to see his family all the time and I hated it. DH is not like him at all- on the surface, is the kindest, sweetest man- people love him. This side of him has taken me by surprise and I can see that beneath the surface, he has many of the crappy traits his father has.
He wouldn't empathise with anything I had to say but was very accusatory. I started crying and he stormed off, leaving me alone. I drove home to the children and an hour later, he used his key, quietly let himself in to our house, then appeared in the lounge, sat on the sofa with the children acting as if nothing had happened between us. I had to lie and say we were going out to get him to leave infront of the children. I then had to lie to the children and say that our friends had cancelled.
I can see that this separation has bruised his ego and it was like he despised me. I thought that we would find a way back together, but it seems impossible to find any common ground.
I'm devastated.
Just reaching out for advice and a hand hold, but also wondering, is this how separation affects men? Their egos hurt the most?
He has messaged me since, pretending the conversation and subsequent upset never happened, asking about my sister's damaged car and I've told him I will not be merrily messaging him as if nothing has been said and that i find his behaviour cruel and cold. He hasn't even replied. I'm going to find it difficult to keep things purely about the children and matter of fact, but it seems that's what I'm going to need to do?
I can't see a way back for us now.