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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Letting go of the family unit dream

32 replies

Pleaseaddcaffine · 30/12/2022 09:16

Ex still wants to be a family.. I left due to suspected cheating (took a woman away for his work weekend-she's not employed in field and lied about her being there for 2 night but swears didn't cheat) and drugs. He's now clean and it's 18mths on.
He wants us to be a family and he has done a lot of things to turn stuff around. He's putting pressure on - repeated calls and messages begging for family reconciliation. Saying our son will be happier (4years old). We did try and it failed due to lies about where/who with but he's pushing hard again.
In the last 18mths, I've got a promotion, am buying a bigger house myself and been a single mom. Hard v. Hard but I am happy or at least content.
I entertained idea as I want the family dream but I genuinley can't imagine being intimate again as trusts gone.
Im juts v. Sad as its a no and I can't even say why just.. I don't want to.
Not sure what point of this post is but I guess I needed to write it down.

OP posts:

Barwickunited · 30/12/2022 09:22

He will do it again and again. Just make sure you’re not person he is cheating on. It’s really tough for first few years but you’ll get used to and you sound like you are doing a great job so far.

DosCervezas · 30/12/2022 09:22

You mention you both want to live as the ideal family with your child, but no mention of either of you wanting to be with the other person at all.
Sounds like you're doing really well on your own and your child will be settled and thriving. Trying out this family dream with a man who has already let you down could turn everything upside down. Is that a risk worth taking for this guy, even if he's your child's father?

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 30/12/2022 09:24

That's almost word for word what I said, we're doing well and son is happy. He just says he's not and wnats us together and he loves me so much, even more than he loves the kids etc etc. Very intense

OP posts:

birder · 30/12/2022 09:30

Well he would say that, wouldn't he?

You are doing well, how's his situation?

Warspite · 30/12/2022 09:32

Your gut is telling you NO!
Leopards do not change their spots.
I know this because I let my cheating narcistic ex husband, now dead, back into my life and it was a disaster.
Your child will do ok so long as his daddy is around and you are stable. It sounds as if you are.

Do not undo all the progress you so richly deserve. Well done.

WinterFoxes · 30/12/2022 09:32

The key is - you tried again once and he let you down. That proves he is a serial liar and cheater, not a one-off. Some people make one mistake and it shakes them so badly they would never do it again., But anyone who does it twice doesn;t give a shit about you, your needs, his DC. He'll never prioritise any of you over his own desires.

DosCervezas · 30/12/2022 09:36

I assume he was sharing hotel rooms and doing drugs with a partner and young child at home?
Yes people can change, but he had his chance and sounds like he's still not accepted responsibility for what he did. As you say you wouldn't trust him and the family he dreams of would be dysfunctional because of this. Your son would pick up on this without a doubt and it would be unsettling. It's not your fault that the ex isn't happy.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 30/12/2022 09:39

His situation is living with family, had a job but got fired (previously self employed) and looking for a new role.

Thank you for saying I'm doing well, it's been a challenge to juggle work n home and I've not always done that well at it.

OP posts:

Googlecanthelpme · 30/12/2022 09:39

The thing that stands out is his lack of respect for your boundaries and acceptance of this being what you need right now.

IF there was ever any chance of you reconciling as a couple (although it doesn’t sound like there is) it would be through the long term re building of trust, respect, love and attraction. He would acknowledge that and give you the space and time to (hopefully) get to that place on your own through the rebuilding of your fundamental friendship and parenting relationship first.

He’s not prepared to do that, he wants what he wants and he wants it now and isn’t afraid to pressure and guilt trip you into it. That on its own would tell me that he hasn’t really changed, he may not cheat or take drugs (?) now but he hasn’t grown enough to respect your wants and needs alongside or above his own.

You don’t need a reason to not be with someone. “I just don’t want to” is enough. I had this after exh cheated on me - as if no matter what reason I gave it wasn’t enough. It was valid. It’s so disrespectful.

in your case I would grey rock any conversation about the relationship. Stick to one key phrase “I am not in love with you, I have moved on, I hope you can do the same”. Rinse and repeat.

Family come in all shapes and sizes, there’s nothing to feel guilty about that your family isn’t the traditional set up. Who knows, you may meet someone and you will have that in the future.

I would concentrate on all the good things you and your DS have, work on feeling good about your sons life as it is so that you are not tempted to do something you don’t really want to purely out of guilt.

WoolyMammoth55 · 30/12/2022 09:41

OP, bless you, it's hard but you have to stick to your guns and ignore him.

Keep taking care of you and your son and let your ex sort his shit out on his own time in his own space.

There was the original cheat/drugs, and he's still lying about that, right?

Then you tried again and he lied again and scuppered it for the second time?

That's enough. You cannot be in a partnership with someone who lies to you. AND It's very de-stabilising for your child to keep flip-flopping.

Just tell him no and mean it and stop engaging with him on the subject. It's over. He needs to know that and move on.

Wish you all the best.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 30/12/2022 09:42

Thanks some really good advice ref recognising the good we have now.

OP posts:

illiterato · 30/12/2022 09:46

Pleaseaddcaffine · 30/12/2022 09:39

His situation is living with family, had a job but got fired (previously self employed) and looking for a new role.

Thank you for saying I'm doing well, it's been a challenge to juggle work n home and I've not always done that well at it.

You sound like you’ve done brilliantly while your ex is going backwards- no job, no house etc. No wonder he wants back in on what you’ve built. I would be clear that there’s no chance of reconciliation but would facilitate co-parenting providing its positive for your son. I would also be very clear that he shouldn’t be putting ideas if a reconciliation into your son’s head.

MyKitchenRules · 30/12/2022 09:49

It's all about what HE wants and by the sound of it always has.

He has a shit life no job or home and you DO. so of course he misses you and wants to be part of all YOU have worked hard and achieved. Be good co parents and don't get dragged down by his problems.

Yankw · 30/12/2022 09:51

You perhaps need to be a bit sterner in your no so that he gets the message. Tell him to stop messaging you and that you will never be getting back together with him.

ThePear · 30/12/2022 09:54

Is he just a boyfriend? So no claim to your new house? He must think you're a mug, are you not insulted? Laugh and decline his offer to leech off you. You and your kid are a family, letting some dirty druggie slither back in to your bed is not a family.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 30/12/2022 09:55

Yes never married and father of my son.

OP posts:

Learningjapanese · 30/12/2022 09:57

Pleaseaddcaffine · 30/12/2022 09:39

His situation is living with family, had a job but got fired (previously self employed) and looking for a new role.

Thank you for saying I'm doing well, it's been a challenge to juggle work n home and I've not always done that well at it.

You're doing more than well, you're doing amazing and very inspiring. Keep saying no like you already are.

Welldone on your promotion!

You're much better off without him. The shit sinks to the bottom.

Dery · 30/12/2022 09:59

“You sound like you’ve done brilliantly while your ex is going backwards- no job, no house etc. No wonder he wants back in on what you’ve built. I would be clear that there’s no chance of reconciliation but would facilitate co-parenting providing its positive for your son. I would also be very clear that he shouldn’t be putting ideas if a reconciliation into your son’s head.”

This with bells on. And you can be a lovely family unit with your son. I’ve known and know some very contented and functional family units where the parents are divorced and some very distressed and dysfunctional ones where the parents are still together.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 30/12/2022 09:59

Thank you! Moving house with a young child I'm not look forward to but it much closer to his school/childminder and will help me with collections

OP posts:

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 30/12/2022 10:30

‘I don’t want to’ is a valid reason.

Original poster

Pleaseaddcaffine · 30/12/2022 10:57

Yes and I honestly think a lot of this is mom guilt. I'd do anything in the world for my boy

OP posts:

Dery · 30/12/2022 11:46

“Yes and I honestly think a lot of this is mom guilt. I'd do anything in the world for my boy”

Which is what you have done by separating from his chaotic and dysfunctional father. Happy and functional families come in all shapes, sizes and permutations.

Warspite · 30/12/2022 12:05

Let your new house be your fortress and place of emotional safety for you and DC.

Draw up your drawbridge and don’t let anyone in who is going to drag you down; childs father, future boyfriends etc.
Stay strong.

I didn’t and I lost everything physical and emotional. . Sold my house to go back to the narcissistic cheater, gave up so much.

When I finally moved out again my new place became my fortress. It was fantastic & very empowering. You can do this.

Ofcourseshecan · 30/12/2022 12:14

Dery · 30/12/2022 11:46

“Yes and I honestly think a lot of this is mom guilt. I'd do anything in the world for my boy”

Which is what you have done by separating from his chaotic and dysfunctional father. Happy and functional families come in all shapes, sizes and permutations.

I agree 100%. You’re building a successful new life so DS can grow up in happiness and stability. Your ex is in a mess of his own making. Of course he can’t wait to sponge off you again! Don’t let him ruin your and DS’s lives, as he will if you let him back in.

feelingfree17 · 30/12/2022 12:31

Sounds like you are well on track. Don’t let him back in, he will destroy all the progress you have made.

Here’s to your new happy life.

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