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Relationships

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Original poster

My husband doesnt spark joy anymore

50 replies

WhatSadLittleLifeJane · 30/12/2022 08:51

Ive just had an epithany, a realisation that breaks my heart. I just need to talk it through with internet strangers, because if i say it out loud it will become more real.

But ive spent the morning going through all the photos on my phone that i took in 2022. And i realised that every single fun thing we did was arranged by me, not a single one was doing anything where dh suggested doing something, or even helped arrange/book/prepare.

Holidays abroad - booked by me, from flights to hotels to activities. Camping trips with friends, arranged by me - I'm the one who rushed around packing the car, doing the food shop, all the palava. Dh just turned up and helped put up the tent and did some of the driving. Weekend trips to stay with friends, or where friends came to stay with us - once again all me me me. Day trips out - you guessed it, me. Even our occasional dates, if i didnt book tickets to a comedy club or suggest going out for a drink or even a walk then nothing would ever happen. Actually, looking back when I've suggested going for a walk or doing something spontaneous with just the 2 of us quite often hes gone, "nah, dont feel like it". Little every day life things too, like the paddling pool in the garden during the heatwave, so we could all cool down a bit, down to me too.

The photos where i look happiest are the ones where im out with friends, where im being silly with the dc, there's hundreds of photos of me smiling. But theres almost none of me and dh smiling or laughing together. And that, well, that is a desperately sad thing to realise about my marriage.

OP posts:

uhOhOP · 30/12/2022 08:54

If he no longer sparks joy, does that mean you have to take him to the charity shop? Or will it be the bin for this particular piece of clutter?

upfucked · 30/12/2022 08:54

I’m assuming it’s either you or him taking the photos so there won’t be many of you together.

What do you want to do? As I see it you have the option to 1) try and address the issue and save your marriage, 2) end it or 3) let it drift on getting worse.

Fritilleries · 30/12/2022 08:56

You need to triple fold him vertically in a drawer.

Would also suggest holding off making big life decisions, this time of year is always an odd one.

Afterfire · 30/12/2022 08:58

I’m not really sure people are supposed to “spark joy” in the same way that the term is often used to refer to objects. What else does he bring to your life? Maybe he doesn’t do the organising etc but maybe there’s other ways he makes your life good? It sounds like you still do a lot of things together and spend time together. I think it’s normal in long term relationships to feel fed up with each other at times.

MelchiorsMistress · 30/12/2022 09:00

It does sound sad, so maybe you should try and think about things he does add to your life.

Jumbocoffee · 30/12/2022 09:01

Are you unhappy organising things? My husband isn’t a natural organiser. I’ve said to him though I want him more involved. Are there any other underlying issues? I would sit down and talk to your husband. Explain you’re fed up of being left to organise everything and you want him to take a bit more responsibility.

LizzieSiddal · 30/12/2022 09:01

Could you speak to him about this? Just say you’ve noticed that over the last year you’ve noticed he isn’t involved in any family arrangements.

I can relate to some of what you’ve said as I think I usually have more fun with friends and family, but it’s usually when he’s very stressed with work. Counselling has helped my dh.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/12/2022 09:03

Is he useful though?

hopeishere · 30/12/2022 09:05

Aside from the organising did he enjoy the trips. I do all our holiday organising (left to DH we would never go as it would never be a sufficient 'good deal') but he loves them when we are there.

For 2023 I've told him dates nights are to be alternating in terms of organising.

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 30/12/2022 09:06

sorry to hear that. what a shit realisation to come to.

hooefully he’s just a bit lazy and you can get him to fix up after a chat about it
hope you do because it sounds like you have fun together albeit with him as the passenger

Paq · 30/12/2022 09:06

Have you spoken to him about it?

DosCervezas · 30/12/2022 09:13

You have certainly put a very negative spin on this, but you listed a ton of stuff that you and he have done together this year. Fair enough, you organised them all, but believe me there are men out there doing next to nothing with their partners and still thinking they're in a solid relationship. It looks like you are doing far more together than the ' average couple ', perhaps you are doing so much that it's all becoming normal and almost mundane and that's why the spark of joy and his interest in organising anything is in decline?
It sounds like you like to live a social life at a fairly frantic pace, but this isn't everyone's idea of joy and it may not be your husband's. Try speaking with him about things and how you feel.

AlisonDonut · 30/12/2022 09:18

You seem to still be able to spend time together so I'd ask, how long have you been together? Alot of husbands tend to stop sparking joy quite early on in the relationship from what I can see so yours might have just come to the end of his working life. Unfortunately the replacement if you get one, might be a dud from the start.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 30/12/2022 09:19

Sounds like he's stuck in a rut a bit, and gotten a bit staid

I guess it depends on whether you want to fix it or not?

I'm a firm believer in people not staying in marriages that are not making them happy, so if you want to leave him then leave him. But if you want to stay, on the face of what you have said so far this sounds very fixable.

LizzieSiddal · 30/12/2022 09:22

I do think it’s very rare for a long term
marriage not to go through ups and downs. Maybe this is one of your downs but hopefully you can mend things together.

Mischance · 30/12/2022 09:23

Well - I am now a widow, and throughout our lives together I did all those things - booked holidays, outings, took the photos (but I was a photographer by trade), initiated fun things. My OH did none of them, but I did not mind - we each played to our strengths and we balanced each other out. He did lots of stuff round the house and did the garden.

If I had not initiated these things they probably would not have happened. But then if he had not got on with the stuff he did, then house and garden would have been a tip. And he did a very high stress job.

Inevitably there will be fewer pics of the two of you together, as one of you will be wielding the camera.

I think you need to curb your resentment and stop putting a negative spin on all this. It will not enhance your happiness or anyone else's. And sparks of joy will be few and far between if you are feeling resentful of him. Rejoice in the fact that you are good at doing these things and that it brings happiness to your family.

Treeofglitter · 30/12/2022 09:32

Talk to him, tell him what you wrote here and then work on a plan together on how to make it better, or more fair if you are feeling the weight of responsibility. You could easily have this conversation and then revisit it in a few days or even a week when you have both had time to think about how to move it forward.

Look at how to change it and work things out rather than throwing in the towel. I mean you have only just realised this yourself looking back on it. Give him time to catch up with that thought process. How you phrase it too, tell him you have looked back and realised that it has all been down to you and you would like him to be more proactive in arranging things. You can't suddenly be unhappy with it all if at no stage over the past year did you complain or ask for his input. It will probably come as a big shock to him.

Greenfinch7 · 30/12/2022 09:34

You are getting some slightly snarky replies because of the Marie Kondo reference, which doesn't actually have anything to do with the sadness you are feeling.

I like the replies which ask about good things your husband adds to your life, and point out that people have different strengths. It is also true that people polarise one another and develop patterns that are not always healthy; if you are good at organising and naturally take the lead, he might get less and less involved, and eventually bow out of thinking about a shared life together outside the home.

Awareness and communication can really help to gently change patterns like this, especially if there is love, humour, and kindness in the mixture (more difficult when there is anger, betrayal, and bitterness).

YouWouldNotBelieveIt · 30/12/2022 09:39

It's epiphany.

How long have you been married? Is your husband good in other ways?
I've been married for 42 years. Every single holiday, day out, trip, was arranged by me. I booked every flight, hotel, coach, etc. So what? My husband has always been a good provider - he's saved, sorted out different currencies when we've been abroad. He looks after the cars, mends the washer/fridge/cooker, had rewired the house, installed the bathroom. We've played to our strengths.

Greenfairydust · 30/12/2022 09:50

I don't quite understand why you are getting so many critical responses...

Basically you are with someone who has no enthusiasm for life anymore and seems to expect you to carry everything.

People seem to focus on the organising but it just seems like a symptom of something bigger.

It must be depressing and draining to be living with someone who just can't be bothered to do or enjoy anything...

I would ask myself if you still love him and if this is just a temporary blip and he could be depressed about something.

Have a conversation with him and make it clear you expect him to be more involved in family life and make an effort to be more proactive and that you will no longer be the only one planning everything.

If he shows no interest you might be with someone who has already checked out and is going through the motion but no longer enjoy the life you have together and you might have to decide whether you are happy to spend the rest of your life with a passive, moody man.

DosCervezas · 30/12/2022 10:02

They holiday, they camp with friends, they have friends stay over, they go on walks, they visit comedy clubs. This isn't a man with no enthusiasm. He may well not enjoy all these things and not organise them , but he's doing them. It sounds like a husband continuing to invest in the marriage and spending a lot of time with his wife. But the smiles in the photos aren't quite wide enough seems to be the basis of the complaint! The OP seems to have a full and active life which her husband is fully engaged in. I don't see why there is such a problem around organising things.

Original poster

WhatSadLittleLifeJane · 30/12/2022 10:09

Thanks for all the replies. I am reading through them all. Its giving me lots to think about.

OP posts:

winningeasy · 30/12/2022 10:12

Sounds like you have you have quite a fun life together, all be it with your friends and things you have organised? I don't think that is really unusual the one partner would take the bulk of organising.

I do all the organising of stuff but it's something I am good at. I don't really like driving long distances or going on motorway so my DH does this.

Does your DH do things around the house? How is he with the kids? Does he have any of his own hobbies? Is he able to provide for the family? I think these are all important questions to answer so we we have full context.

You could also ask him to organise something and say you'd love him to surprise you and give him some dates. Whatever he does do encourage him and commend him, so maybe he continues to do it and gets confidence in taking on some of this stuff.

Mamette · 30/12/2022 10:17

I seem to book and organise all the holidays too. Possibly because on some level I’m not keen to go on whatever trip he would end up booking. He trundles along to things I’ve booked without complaint. It’s ok.

Blueberry7699 · 30/12/2022 10:19

My husband said this once to me (him organising everything). He was forgetting that we didn't have a lot of money (and the things he planned absorbed most of our discretionary spending), and also that doing things take up a certain energy in me that needs time to replace (Just me personally and it is something I am open about!). Meanwhile, I was happily going through life doing the things my DH planned and thinking I was getting it right! Now we take turns and talk about it. Maybe talk to him and say what you have said on this thread about always being the planner. As for feeling a bit flat - I think a lot of us feel that at the minute. It has been a tough few years, I hope next year is better for you and you get some things planned for you!

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