My husband doesnt spark joy anymore

[WhatSadLittleLifeJane]

Ive just had an epithany, a realisation that breaks my heart. I just need to talk it through with internet strangers, because if i say it out loud it will become more real.

But ive spent the morning going through all the photos on my phone that i took in 2022. And i realised that every single fun thing we did was arranged by me, not a single one was doing anything where dh suggested doing something, or even helped arrange/book/prepare.

Holidays abroad - booked by me, from flights to hotels to activities. Camping trips with friends, arranged by me - I'm the one who rushed around packing the car, doing the food shop, all the palava. Dh just turned up and helped put up the tent and did some of the driving. Weekend trips to stay with friends, or where friends came to stay with us - once again all me me me. Day trips out - you guessed it, me. Even our occasional dates, if i didnt book tickets to a comedy club or suggest going out for a drink or even a walk then nothing would ever happen. Actually, looking back when I've suggested going for a walk or doing something spontaneous with just the 2 of us quite often hes gone, "nah, dont feel like it". Little every day life things too, like the paddling pool in the garden during the heatwave, so we could all cool down a bit, down to me too.

The photos where i look happiest are the ones where im out with friends, where im being silly with the dc, there's hundreds of photos of me smiling. But theres almost none of me and dh smiling or laughing together. And that, well, that is a desperately sad thing to realise about my marriage.

The issue seems to be (from an outsider’s perspective) that you feel unappreciated, and not romanced? You want him to want to do fun things with and for you, you want to be surprised and cared for in actions/deeds?

How can you nudge him to participate in this way? Perhaps he is lazy, or perhaps he perceives he’d ‘do it wrong’ or perhaps he’s just totally oblivious to the effort, it’s just become the status quo.

Next time you suggest a comedy club, get him to book the tickets and choose a place to eat. When you’re booking a holiday, ask him to sort out the car hire/parking or the currency or the tickets to X attraction. Tell him you want a weekend away that he books and organises.

It sounds less like your DH doesn’t spark joy, more like you want him to show his appreciation of how much joy you spark in your joint family life.

Agree with PP. You should make a list of how he does enrich your marriage.

I do a lot of booking and organising of things but DH sorts and pays for all car related stuff to get us there plus snacks and coffee runs/lunch.

If you ask your DH to plan something, does he? In any way whatsoever? Do you always plan things in order to make anything happen? Is there a bit of martyrdom going on? I felt this way before with DH about 4 years ago and said if you want certain things to happen I need help doing it and he admitted I throw myself into booking things without consulting him first or waiting until we are together just the 2 of us. Now, we have a great balance. I like planning ahead, he's good at vamping on the day and mucking in/sorting things.

Have you really talked to DH?
Has this Xmas been good all round or a let down?

The new year is an emotional time for everyone and as a couple me and DH actually make jokes about how few dates we have together- New Years resolutions and all that.

I planned, bought, organised everything (except for 2 week holidays as he liked the glory)

I've found out that after 30 years he's not capable of independent thought so takes his new girlfriend everywhere I took him!

I agree with the PP, this is a funny time of year "reflecting" on the year, things you did/didn't do. So, not a good time to make any life changing decisions.

Also, and this is probably not going to be a popular view, men don't think the same way as women (ime). You do have to ask them to do stuff, you do need to remind them to do some things.

I tend to ask(tell) my OH to do xyz while I do abc. We both cook, we both clean. If you never tell him you are unhappy doing the lion's share, he won't know. Tell him how you feel.

When a thing no longer sparks joy we are meant to send it off into the world to give joy to someone else. But your husband is not a thing and I assume he did once spark joy. Binning it without trying to resolve it probably isn't the best idea. You really need to find out why he's / the relationship isn't, sparking joy. If it's his lack of involvement - why is he not involved? Apathy? He assumed you are happy with the way it is? He's depressed? Are you sparking joy for him? Counselling may be an option so that even if you do part ways you are both clear about why.

What a weird way to think about a person

I am the one who organises everything in my family too. I swing between resenting it, and being aware it means we get to do what I want to do almost all of the time.

Having said that, I am not entirely happy in my marriage. We have had a small amount of counselling and it has helped a lot.

I look at DH’s own father and I see that he was subconsciously taught to be the way he is. I suspect it might be the same for your DH too?

I’m not excusing anything, but it helps to know why.

Would he be willing to do couples therapy if you can afford it?

In most of the couples I know, women instigate most holidays outings etc. My husband says he is a good wing man whenever I complain. But he is my soul mate !

I'd also have a think about how much you actually want him to organise, is it a grass is greener situation? At the moment it sounds like you're in complete control of your family leisure time and he just goes along with whatever you want to do. There are some benefits to that....don't overlook them. Do you actually want to start doing what he wants/when he wants like he does for you? Or do you actually quite enjoy the control? For some people bearing the responsibility is worth it for getting to choose exactly what they want to do. Maybe that's not the case for you, but make sure before you change anything!

What is it that you're not happy with? Is it simply that you organise everything? I can honestly I do most of the organising of our trips, making arrangements with friends etc...it doesn't mean DH doesn't want to, it's just he's every bit as happy curled up together in front of the fire watching a film together. As we say, you can leave a relationship for any reason, but if he's a good man and this is your only issue I would be wary.
Theres a sort of Instagram induced pressure on marriages imo and you must do something different every night, be all over eachother all the time and be ready to rip eachothers clothes off at all times and if you're not then its not a good marriage.

Does he WFH? Ive found that has created a certain kind of lethargy that is difficult to shake at the weekends.

Is he depressed? Burnt out? If he can't be bothered to arrange anything and isn't get enjoyment from them then I'd be wondering if he's ok.

When did you last spend time together just the two of you that you loved? Where you look back and can't help but smile when you think of it? Does he still make you laugh? Do you still feel attracted to him or do you see him more as a friend?

Also, have you communicated this to him? I am a natural planner but after a couple of years being mainly me, I had a chat with him and ever since he's made equal (if not more!) effort. He needs to realise that this is important to you.

The only person responsible for sparking joy in your life is yours.

Living with this mentality is a sure enough way to surround yourself with people who don’t give shit about you

what a weird take

DH is the same. No joy.

And I've realized this for a while. So now I only do what I want to do, when I want to do it.

I don't want to divorce him as I would miss the kids too much - but we will separate when they are older.

I manage DH to meet my needs and priorities. I know that sounds odd, but he is never gonna change and be the man I'd like him to be.

Does your husband know you resent doing all the organising?

Often when one partner ends up doing all of a certain thing, it's partly because they're good at it. And the other partner thinks - they're so good at it, they seem to enjoy it, if I did it it wouldn't be as good, so I'll leave them to it.

It took a while for DP and I to figure out how to play to our strengths in terms of organising things. The actual booking and the concrete logistics of, for example, finding accommodation or choosing specific places to go - that's all him. I get caught up in endless research and feeling pressure to choose The Best Deal or Most Special Thing, and then nothing gets booked through my indecision. He just picks something he likes the look of and books it. But ahead of that stage, the bigger idea about what country to go or what kind of holiday we want - that's all me, I'm the ideas person and he's the practical one.

Partnership is about playing to your strengths and yes, this sometimes means leaving the other person to take charge of whatever their forte is.

I'm also sure that there are plenty of things that your husband does well, that you do much less of. If that's not the case you do have a larger problem.

Also, there's really nothing wrong with being happy being a homebody. DP will always get itchy feet about Going Away Somewhere or Doing Something before I do - I'm perfectly happy having cosy weekends at home.

OP, at a minimum, does he not help to pay for all of these activities? Maybe , he takes pleasure in his ability to help fund so many of your joyous adventures.

Being the provider is at least as important as being the planner. Maybe your skill sets complement each others rather than mirror.

I was also married to a funless passenger who didn't take responsibility for anything. He used to sit about looking miserable all the time and had no conversation. Now we're divorced I feel 100 times happier.

And i realised that every single fun thing we did was arranged by me, not a single one was doing anything where dh suggested doing something, or even helped arrange/book/prepare

What is he like around the house otherwise? Does he do his share, is he pleasant to live with and is he pleasant to spend time with when you actually do these things you want? Those are important factors to consider.

I think you might be feeling frustrated and resentful because doing all this organising is work , and you're doing all of it.

If you don't do it, would he do it do you think?

If not, and if he's happy being at home all the time...then I think the both of you have different energy levels and lifestyle expectations. I can just see the both of you now in your 50s with you raring to go and explore new things, and him just wanting to sit in his armchair with his pipe & slippers all the time.

I book all the holidays and I dare say I make most of the suggestions for things to do. It didn’t occur to me that this should be an issue though, it doesn’t bother me at all. My husband brings other things to the relationship.

Often when one partner ends up doing all of a certain thing, it's partly because they're good at it

Often, when it comes to women, they get 'good at things' because they are often cornered into having to do them because their partner just simply won't do them. Those partners will often employ strategic incompetence to make damn well sure they never haver to lift a finger if they don't want to.

Also, many men still see admin, including organising, as women's work, so they put their feet up.

Hmm, tricky one... I suspect in my marriage DH would say the same about me - that HE is the one who does all the day trips and holiday organising etc. But here's the thing - I wouldn't be fussed if we didn't do them. He's the one who is obsessed with 'getting out of the house'/ 'having an adventure' and planning the next holiday the minute we come back from the last one, so I let him get on with it, and do my best to go along with it all and be cheerful along the way.

He needs the external stimulus - to go places, to see things - I don't. I'm happier spending time with good friends, having nice meals, reading etc.

The equivalent irritation for me is DH's attitude to food. We share the cooking of meals (alternate days etc) but while I love researching and trying new recipes, and am always batch cooking soups and stews for the freezer etc, his approach is terribly staid and boring. He has about 5-6 meals he cooks on rotation which in my view are not particularly interesting, or even that tasty, but for him it's a bit of a chore.
I feel the same about holidays and day trips - they are a bit of a chore for me, and my aim is just to get through them as quickly as possible.

Spark joy? As in a Marie Kondo clear out?!

You're critical of him because he's not meeting a need. Have you told him? Not by criticising.. "Why don't you ever organise anything?"... but by asking for that need to be met... "I'm unhappy that I always organise stuff. I need someone else to take charge of that sometimes. Can you do that for me please?"

@WhatSadLittleLifeJane it’s ‘epiphany’