How on earth do I go low/no contact with my mum when she’s so involved in my life.

[Ostryga]

Christmas this year has shown me that I just cannot have a civil or kind relationship with my mother any longer. She is so fucking nasty to me at every opportunity and it’s now spilling over to my 6 year old where she’s picking things up Granny says and it makes me feel ill.

My daughter loves my parents, and they are really lovely with her so I feel like not allowing her to have a relationship with them would make me a massive dick. But I’ve got to do something to protect myself at the same time. My mum is just awful and while I can grin and bear it in company and laugh it off it is making me feel like absolute shit. And I’m in my 30s I’ve had enough!

Is there any feasible way to make this work?

Take a screenshot of what you just wrote then say that you need space because this is how you feel, if she kicks off then she doesn't respect you and doesn't deserve any contact at all

She will kick off, massively.

I want it to be that easy. Just telling her enough is enough but after 30 years or her I’m watching my daughter have the relationship I always wanted and I don’t want to take that away from her. Or myself in a self-harm sort of way.

She doesn't get to have a lovely relationship with a child if she can't have a lovely one with the mother too. That was your first mistake.

At 6, it's not too late to turn it around and distance yourself. Your DD would be sad for a bit but the new normal would quickly become her normal.

This. My then 6 year old missed them (GP) for the first few weeks and I repeated on repeat how horrible they were to mummy and had been for years and they were not saying sorry or changing

my DC stopped and over the next few weeks saw how nasty they were - sometimes you have to drop the rope and like most abusers they show their true colours

Seems like the only thing you can do is cut the cord, cold turkey. Block her on all forms of communication to you and any family members. Be honest with your daughter about how your mother treats you, don't make something up.

If your mother has a tantrum, then let her do it to a brick wall.

Can you wean over time?
I use the excuse of busy with work and after school clubs.
Weekends we are busy with parties, other stuff… just be “busy” .
I now go many weeks without seeing mine.
We do go round every now and again but always for a quick cup of tea, less than an hour as we are just on our way to….
Does your mother do any of the childcare for you though?

We have cut contact with family members when our DC were similar ages to yours. They quickly forget the person and accept they are not around. It doesn’t do them harm. I became happier when we cut contact with the toxic relatives and that was far more beneficial to my DC. My DC never ask about them.

And how to make it work - distance yourself initially. LC to begin with. Then pull away from there. My relatives were the type who kicked off, I told them some of their behaviour had been witnessed and if it continued I would call the police. Saving face was extremely important to our toxic relatives so we have heard very little since then.

Back off, maybe have a set day to visit in your mind say once a month and do not initiate any other contact.

This. She is 6, she won’t remember her in a few months, let alone years

Whatever benefit your daughter gets from a relationship with her is being far FAR outweighed by seeing her being vile to you. There is no net benefit to continuing contact, before even factoring in the damage to your mental health

Agree, be busy. 6 is a good age for additional clubs /sports to start so the cynic in me would fill up spare time with more fun stuff than sitting at Granny’s house.

when meeting up, can you suggest a pub or restaurant- expensive but limits time and unlike at Granny’s house after lunch dd can play, sitting bored will end it quicker with limited fuss.

You've got to wonder whether she's nice to the child as a way of getting at you, or whether she's nice now because the child is small but will start treating her like she treated you once she gets her own ideas/preferences. Either way this is not good for your child.

You also have to try to stop hoping your mother can prove herself to be the decent person we all want our parents to be, through your daughter as she couldn't be to you. This is not healthy either, and it's also not true. She is who she is, and bestows her favour capriciously. However nice she chooses to be to someone who isn't you, that doesn't make her a good person, sorry.

Your mum will start on your DD probably when she stops being the perfect little girl and gets ideas of her own. Cutting things now will be less traumatic than leaving it until your Mother has caused damaged.

Re-read your post, you contradict your self. You say they have a lovely relationship with DD but in the same breath you say the nastiness is spilling over and she is picking it up.
NC is the only option unless you want to use your daughter as a shield. (I don't believe you do for a moment but this is a little bit how it comes across).

I struggled with my relationship with my (nasty, narc) mother and wanted her to be close to my dc, but when she started treating dd exactly the way she treated me, I stopped the cycle of abuse as soon as I could. Unfortunately, she now sees my youngest via the ex, he arranges contact with the dc and my narc mother. 🙄 They all play happy families together whilst pretending I don't exist.

How does she involve herself in your life and how far apart do you live?

How is she involved in your life? Ie do you need her for childcare?

I would start by not grinning and smiling along when she's being awful - call it out publicly EVERY SINGLE TIME! Your daughter needs to see you have boundaries and learn what's ok and what's now.

I had to cut my MIL out completely. You don't need to keep toxic people in your life just because they are family. Give yourself permission to stop being bullied

How on earth do I go low/no contact with my mum when she’s so involved in my life?

Then you uninvolve her.

Don't invite her to your house.

If she says something nasty to you at her house, say "I don't take abuse" and leave.

Repeat until she gets the message. It worked for my narcissistic mother.

If she doesn't get the message then cut contact. Totally. You don't want to teach your daughter that being a verbal punchbag is OK.

I was in this exact situation. I allowed my Mum to continue having a relationship with my dd - looking after her after school etc and dd grew up thinking my Mum could do no wrong and was the most amazing Grandparent in the world. It allowed my Mum to continue to manipulate me and when she died in 2019 - my dd was 16 then - it made things incredibly difficult because dd of course was very upset and mourned that relationship and I feel like I can never really be honest about my Mum or how I felt about her. I should have cut her out of our lives completely.

How dare you consider still offering up your precious dd when you know what your dm is capable of! That's not what you do ime. I am nc with my dm. And no way in Hell does she see my dc! She is an abuser and you think she should still see your dd? . Come on op - step up!

I will say as well that people like your Mum (and my Mum) KNOW they are abusive to you and they are being all nice to your dd knowing they’re fucking with your head. They’re not doing it because they give a shit about your dd. That’s something I really had to learn.

She’s not lovely to your daughter. She might lovely some of the time, but read back what you said - your daughter is picking up on what she says to/about you. Is that lovely? Or is it treating your daughter to look down on you? There are two options here - either it’ll be your mother and your daughter against you, or eventually your mother will turn on your daughter too. You need to protect her from both of those scenarios, even if it causes short term upset for her.

OP, here are some more wise words from Natalie Lue - HTH

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/advice-wednesday-help-im-just-not-that-into-my-mother/

Start by reducing how often you have contact with her. Don’t giver her a reason, just repeat that you are busy. Expect there to be push back, but know that you have to go through the difficult stage before things become easier.

if she starts calling/texting a lot, ignore them or send only one response per day. “I am busy I will call you on Friday”.

each and every time she is rude to you end the contact. If she makes a rude comment on the phone. “That’s extremely rude. I won’t be spoken to like that so I am going to end this call”, then hang up. Or leave if you are at her house.

regarding your daughter. I suspect in the next few years she will start seeing more and more of the toxic behaviour in your mum. She may even start becoming the butt of it. Even if she doesn’t what behaviour do you want to model for her? Someone putting up with being treated badly or someone setting firm boudaries with a toxic person. She will learn from you.

of course you could just stop contact completely and tell her why??? I had no contact with my mum for 6 weeks. Then when we started again I did so with very strict boundaries and I have managed to maintain them.

Also- accept that she won’t change. Don’t even hope or think that she might ‘learn’ or ‘get better’. She won’t. You have to work with what you have and what you know about her.