Emotionally abusive partner ; coping strategies pls

[bohoochik]

Hi all,

I have been in a relationship 7 years with a man who I find to be emotionally abusive.

I am 39 , and desperately want children and a normal family.

Should I have a baby with this man? What are my alternatives ?

I am coming from an abusive family where I am mostly ignored. No siblings. Xmass has a way of reminding us of this isn't it?

My support system is low to non existent. I also lost a significant amount of friends lately , and somehow my friendships have always been one sided.

I mentioned my bf ignores me at times too , last time he did this was last night in a board game where his brother attended. He treats his brother very well , respectfully and is talkative. With us he is different. I told him he 100% ignored me, he denies it, and moreover says his brother also disagrees. He said it's in my mind because my parents never gave me any attention. But I find that my needs are not met.

Questions:

1. How can I find someone non-abusive at 39 to still have kids?
2. Can I still build at 39( in London ... non English) a support system that goes beyond pleasentries?
3. Can one love oneself enough and make the choice to be alone with 0 support?

Don’t have children with someone you find emotionally abusive. It will have a terrible affect on the children. It would be cruel.
Would you consider a donor?
I think you need to speak to Women’s Aid or similar about where you are at - in terms of leaving the relationship, and building a new life on your own, with positive and healthy relationships in it.

Please get yourself some counselling so you have someone professional to talk through your childhood traumas and your current relationship. As a woman you are equal to any man.

Yes you can find someone non-abusive who treats you better at 39. Yes you can do all the things you need to do to make your life better. Do you have any female friends you could confide in initially or a female doctor?

Save your own self first from this miserable life you find yourself in.
Do not ever have children by this man.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

This man targeted you and deliberately so. He is aware of your abusive family background and has further capitalised on that using this also against you.

Do contact Womens Aid, they can and will help you leave your abuser if this is what you want to do. They also have an online chat facility.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Bluntly, having a child with an abusive man is simply providing them with another person to abuse. You must not do this. It is wrong on every level.

Get free of him, then you can explore your options. But don't let baby-fever blind you to your situation.

Can't see the abuse from the little but you've posted, you're coming across as very needy. But of course you don't bring a child into a situation where you feel abused, why on earth would you?

You have to leave him, get some therapy. No do not have a child with this man. You are worth the time and effort to stop this pattern of abuse. Good luck.xx

Thank you all for your messages. I think yes, I am also leaning towards not going forward and break up fully. I told him to take his things from my parents house to his parents. ( we are visiting for xmass) So scared of ending up alone so I really appreciate the positive messages or still having a chance to meet someone. I would consider a sperm donor yes. My father is against me having the child alone... I doubt I would be getting their support ( dad has cancer , mom generally takes care of him) . I also have a dog with separation anxiety that will not be easy to deal with.

Financially I am ok , and have bought my own flat in London. But I would have to move to a house in the future so that I can keep the dog. Not easy with house prices...

On the break up topic: In fact my father said to me today , ok break up if it is not working. But be aware that you are also not perfect. And that you didn't let me speak to your partner in the past and so on. And that when one of you speaks to someone you both are and should be friends with that someone. But I find this strange. They want me to just sit around and be quiet?! I like to interact with people and it is just not my character to be silent. Whenever we visited for holidays my bf always wanted to speak to my father and my father to him mostly. My father did not wish to speak to me much. Again being ignored which is why I voiced my concerns at the time. It sucks that the people who should love you at such times they choose to tear you down instead.
My mom also likes to be centre of attention and this was also an issue this Xmass and in the past. My dad defends her and gaslights me ( e.g. you also spoke, what was she supposed to do). My parents do fit the narcissistic type. Although my mother does agree my relationship is not going well. It still hurts to feel ignored while being under their roof for the holidays and in a way my bf was a crutch to lean on. Now that bf took his things and left next couple of days will be hard.

I am trying women aid but their chat seems really busy.

I think you're conflating a couple of different issues here. How your family behave towards you and how your partner behaves should be two entirely separate things. Your father's opinion of you or your partner should be neither here nor there by the time you're 40. I worry you're replicating patterns and think that counselling would help you. You should still break up with your partner though - simply because you're unhappy. That's enough.

Your parents opinions on your partners are irrelevant op. Especially considering they sound like abusive twats too.You are full grown woman and have every right to decide who you won't date.

I'd distance myself from your parents too. They aren't emotionally healthy. And in order to find your self love and go forwards dating men who are not emotionally abusive, you need to change your mindset. You need to rediscover self love and respect. A large part of that is minimising time spent around toxic people.

As for children - they aren't relevant right now. You aren't in the head space to raise them. You need to get away from abuser and do the self work.

Kids are not plasters. They aren't made in order to fill holes in your life. They will not make you feel less lonely if you have then in your situation but instead, will isolate you further.

I can't think of anything worse than bringing kids into this current...shitshow. I would encourage you to get free and pursue other dreams. Maybe kids will happen one day but if you'd bring thrm into this mess...then you aren't ready to be having them yet.

I think you raise some great points. I am unhappy, and probably replicating too what has happened in the past.

I know I know , I need to listen less to my parents as I am 40. Even if there will be silent treatment , intimidation etc.

I still think my partner is / was abusive though. He places blame on me, and berates me for any mistake I make. I read Lundy's book "why he does it" and lots of things match. I hope it is the right decision.

This book may be useful OP,

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=asc_df_0425191656/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310834580283&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9055511018563188046&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006727&hvtargid=pla-433820743808&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

Sorry OP, I cross-posted - I see you have already read it. 😳

Thank you for your reply. Why would it not be good to have kids if I do it on my own ?
I am fairly ok financially , probably won't afford private school but ok enough for decent living. A child would only have me, of course, given family situation. But they would be loved and listened to.

I am actually reading it now and lots of bits match.

The reason I say to hold off even on having kids by yourself, for a bit is that. Hmm how to put it...
OK so I'll do it in example form:

Sandy is in an emotionally abusive relationship. As a result, her self worth is damaged. Her parents are similar in personality and further knock her self esteem. She finds the courage to leave her abuser but, does not take the time to find her way back to herself (eg: regain her self love and value, examine through therapy how she came to be in this position and what she can do to prevent it happening again). Instead, she jumps straight into having babies. She raises the children the best way she can...but because she never took the time to heal from her abuse...she passes on her low self esteem and arguably the same toxic opinions of tolerating abuse, to her child, that her own parents had. So, the child in turn, grows up to date abusers. Also, because being a single mum can be lonely, Sandy starts to date again. And settles for abusive men. Again. Because she hasn't done the self work. Her child is exposed to abuse. And grows up to date abusers. The cycle of abuse continues.

You need to get free first. Properly free. Back to yourself free. No men, no toxic influences and certainly no babies.

Do the freedom programme. Read up on how to spot abusers. Perhaps zeek therapy for what you've been through. Debrainwash yourself from being told all this time that you were zuppsed to accept and tolerate abuse. Become a strong independent women. A. Because you have to love you. And B. Because your kids would need someone who can teach them self care, respect and love.

I'd also get you to check in with yourself that the baby craving isn't just because you are lonely. Or, that you think its expected of you because other people do it. I suspect that children so soon after abuse will actually make you feel resentful. Because you just got free and then...you're trapped inside again with screaming toddlers, unable to meet adults for adult conversation.
It's basically a very bad idea xD

Get out of the relationship, do the self work. Pursue some new, different dreams. And re examine the kid idea in a couple of years IF you feel you really want them and its not just fear of missing out.

Thanks for the explanation and having taken the time. I get what you are saying and appreciate your point of view. But I would not enter another abusive relationship..... it's difficult to figure it out though when the whole of the first year was all roses. But never again. My previous relationships were NOT like this. They ended for different reasons but I don't think they were abusive. I actually feel shame for having put it with it for so long.

And I would still have a child sooner rather than later. Teach them right and break the cycle.

3. Can one love oneself enough and make the choice to be alone with 0 support

You are your own support system. You can make the right choices for you, without anybody else's input. You are looking for support, not advice. You already know what to do.

Some very sound advice here. You need to put yourself first, not the thought of children, just you.

Yes, children might not happen but absolutely not a reason to have them with an abuser. Find your own way and your own life. You owe yourself that.

So who will be watching your kids when you work? Your parents? The same parents who you describe as emotionally abusive?

Until you've removed all of these people from your life, don't think to bring kids into it.

It's all very well saying you will raise them to break the cycle but literally your first post TODAY you were still considering staying with an abusive man just to have kids. I'm sorry but, you're kidding yourself that children would be safe with you right now.

It's like...an addict saying you can just stop drinking because they have it under control.

You may not have had abusive partners before but you were raised by abusive parents and still value their opinions above your own about your life.

They will treat grandkids just as they treated you btw.

I'm not saying this to be harsh btw op. Just trying to give you a shake.

My gran was emotionally abusive and I'd be lying if I said I didn't somewhat resent my mother for allowing her in my life when I was just a child who couldn't protect myself. But my mother had an excuse, she'd never really come to terms with what her mother was. You're actually stating you know your parents are like that.

So if you're going to go it alone, get out and develop a healthy support system or make sure you have a considerable amount of money for childcare. Bevause there is no excuse to bring children into a family, extended or otherwise where there is abuse.

I agree 100%! I think I have the means. I earn above 100k and own my flat ( with about half mortgage left). I know London is expensive but that should be ok for childcare. If not I have savings too. I get where you are coming from though. Luckily I had the nicest grandparents ever. I don't know how they were with my parents but to me they only ever showed love.

Sweetheart please don’t stay
I totally get you want kids
and I respect that
Jesus that’s why I stayed with mine

but I’d rather have a spend donor in your situation
as if he’s bad now
wait till you have kids…… its will 100% get worse

regarding support network
its abiut building links up over the years
local things , work , neighbours etc

can you also meet people of your own nationality

Are you still together? Or did you leave?

Regarding support system: I did have 2 good friends in London, both left during Covid. London can be transitory , especially central London ( zone 2). We also got a dog together in lockdown , cockapoo with separation anxiety. And that complicates being able to go out ( Rover / dogsitter needed ). And I have a couple I am good friends with but they are "couple friends" so I will have to see which way that goes.

Again thank you for the advice / opinion / support.