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Original poster

Fantasising but not of DH

61 replies

Yazi4321 · 28/12/2022 21:25

Hi everyone
Ive been married about 6 years, love my DH to bits. I’m early 30s, feel good and look good but the sex I have with my husband is so boring. Same thing, super quick and no satisfaction for me at all. He cums and that’s it and I’m just left (this has been going on for about a year) to the point now when we have sex I think great….
BUT the sex is just so rubbish I’m having to sort my self out a good few times a week. The worst thing is, there’s been some sexual tension with me and a guy (he’s married too & has offered the proposition of sneaky sex but I declined). I don’t think his sex life is great and he’s a very good looking and tempting guy and now when I sort myself out I fantasise of him doing all the things he told me he wants to do! I know this isn’t great but what do I do! I’m so sexually unsatisfied and now temptation is there but I don’t want to go there but I just feel like bleh! Spoken to DH re sex life - he isn’t interested!

OP posts:
usern1272022 · 28/12/2022 22:04

There are several points that need addressing in this thread.

  1. It's fine to fantasise about someone else. It's only a fantasy. The issue here is that this particular fantasy can become a reality at the drop of a hat, since it is already being offered to you on a plate.

  2. If you truly want to be in your current relationship, I would avoid this other guy. It's an affair waiting to happen and I'm sure you know it. The fact that he's happily propositioned you for sex and (I assume) you haven't shut him down completely and blocked him, it means there is every chance he will try this again. Sexual tension leads to talking about sex, leads to flirting, leads to kissing, and you know the rest. If a married man asked me for sex knowing that I had a partner too, I'd want nothing to do with him as it's disrespectful all round. He doesn't sound like a good guy but this in itself is a separate issue.

  3. Now let's get to your husband. It's a red flag that you've been married for 6 years (and probably together for more?) and he won't have an adult conversation with you about sex. Has it always been this way and you've just put up with it for all these years? Or is this more recent? If it's been like this since you met then unfortunately you've got yourself a very lazy lover and you set the precedent by keeping things this way for so long. If it's more recent, is there a chance he could be anxious and trying to hide it? Either way, if he's telling you he's happy just for him to be satisfied, tell him you're not and just don't have sex with him. Give him a shock to the system.

  4. I want to say just leave him as he's selfish and you shouldn't be doomed to a lifetime of bad sex, but I can see from your posts that you won't leave him and I appreciate everyone has their reasons for staying.

category12 · 28/12/2022 22:08

Oh is it a bit of a transactional relationship?

He gives you the great lifestyle and your side is sex and support?

Original poster
Yazi4321 · 28/12/2022 22:12

Oh no not transactional lol. I also work extremely hard and can support myself to be fair. In fact he worries that I catch up to him! But I do love him - he’s my best friend

im just worried what @usern1272022 has said is true - this other guy…I feel something is going to end up happening with him! And I haven’t shut it down completley no!!

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2022 22:15

Not a great friend if he's happy to use your body and not be bothered about your pleasure.

mattyprice4004 · 28/12/2022 22:15

Shut it down or leave your partner - cheating is never the answer and leads to bigger issues.
Think about it - you have an affair and eventually someone will find out or you’ll leave your husband for this other bloke - either road leads to a relationship breakdown with your DH.

Cheating is never the answer.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 28/12/2022 22:20

Withdraw sex from him.

At the moment, he's unwilling to change because he's satisfied.

Change it, make him feel how you feel.

Then see what he does.

usern1272022 · 28/12/2022 22:21

Yazi4321 · 28/12/2022 22:12

Oh no not transactional lol. I also work extremely hard and can support myself to be fair. In fact he worries that I catch up to him! But I do love him - he’s my best friend

im just worried what @usern1272022 has said is true - this other guy…I feel something is going to end up happening with him! And I haven’t shut it down completley no!!

You need to either shut it down or leave your husband.

There are many solutions to your problems, but cheating is not one of them. And think of his poor wife as well, what has she done to deserve any of this? This guy sounds like an idiot and nothing more will ever come out of it other than sex. Are you really willing to risk it all? It's a slippery slope downwards and it won't improve your relationship with your DH.

JoyBeorge · 28/12/2022 22:30

I really can't understand this 'hes my best friend ' line people always throw out when the way their partner treats them is nothing even remotely how best friends treat each other. He's a selfish lover and doesn't care about your feelings or satisfaction, and your head has already been turned by another man who tells you all about what he wants to do to you. Well your 'best friend' needs to pull his finger out and actually work on his relationship before someone else does the work for him. Then he will no doubt be clueless how it could possibly have happened. That's not best friend behaviour. Best friends care about your feelings and take an active interest in nurturing you to be happy. Not giving a toss about your sexual happiness is selfish and uncaring.

Dery · 28/12/2022 22:30

“Withdraw sex from him.

At the moment, he's unwilling to change because he's satisfied.

Change it, make him feel how you feel.

Then see what he does.”

Have you tried this?

Having an affair with this colleague is not okay. Irrespective of your DH’s attitude, having an affair makes you party to the deceit of this other man’s wife. She’s done nothing to hurt you so why would you be party to her getting shat on from a great height by her DH, who’s clearly a piece of work?

Dery · 28/12/2022 22:34

And if your DH really was your best friend, he would want you to experience pleasure and satisfaction not just treat you like a hole. Does he realise his behaviour makes him a bad lover? Have you spelt that out for him? You’ve only been married 6 years. How many more decades of this does he expect you to tolerate (bearing in mind also that there’s a good chance that your libido will increase significantly once you’re through menopause)?

Viviennemary · 28/12/2022 22:35

Just have the affair if you want to.

Ohnotheydidnt · 28/12/2022 22:42

Is your DH having an affair (maybe with a colleague?) and having sex with you is his "tick box" exercise so you don't suspect anything out of the ordinary?

Just an idea!

weirdstuffhappenig · 28/12/2022 22:42

Maybe ask the wife of the other guy if she minds first?

Also he could be shit too, and then you e totally mucked up 4 peoples lives.

Why not just leave your DH and be single?

category12 · 28/12/2022 22:49

And you love him so much and consider him your "best friend", yet are merrily contemplating fucking another man.

Not the best way to keep a friendship or marriage.

TimeOf76 · 28/12/2022 22:52

All the advice given in the thread has been rebuffed except for one, i.e., won't leave DH, but pushed the point of having sex with the other Guy. So is the point of the post to seek valdiation that you should go and have sex behind your DH's back? Seems that you see this as your only option. Not sure what else you are expecting people to say?

There only options are; (i) have sex with other Guy, (ii) stop having sex with DH and accept self pleasure will be the norm, (iii) continue to be unsatisfied or you could (iv) seek professional help for you both to overcome the issue (like a marriage counsellor).

But I fear you want sex with the other Guy regardless, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here.

Just my view.

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 28/12/2022 22:59

Your dh is selfish.
Decide if you're prepared to be treated like an itch for him to scratch when he's in the mood.
I couldn't live with a man like your dh but this other guy is not the answer.

America12 · 28/12/2022 23:03

Yazi4321 · 28/12/2022 22:12

Oh no not transactional lol. I also work extremely hard and can support myself to be fair. In fact he worries that I catch up to him! But I do love him - he’s my best friend

im just worried what @usern1272022 has said is true - this other guy…I feel something is going to end up happening with him! And I haven’t shut it down completley no!!

What does this mean ? He worries you'll catch up to him ?

theonlygirl · 28/12/2022 23:08

Yazi4321 · 28/12/2022 21:59

I think sex is just not a priority to him vs making money and having a great life to be honest.

If sex isn't a priority for him and he has no interest in satisfying you then stop having sex with him. He's essentially just using you for a wank. He can do that himself. Frankly I'm not suprised you fantasise about the other bloke but clearly you must have discussed your sex life with him if there's "stuff he'd like to do to you" which puts you in dangerous territory. If you have an iron will, carry on fantasising and sorting yourself out and if you don't, distance yourself from the other man...or don't. Or ask your husband for an open marriage.

newyearsresolurion · 28/12/2022 23:26

Ha! I'd try with the other guy

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2022 23:30

Your marriage is doomed.

Conkered · 28/12/2022 23:42

Tell your DH about your fantasies and fears...

themanwho · 28/12/2022 23:52

When you talked with your husband about your sex life, he said he was happy with it how it is. Did you say that you were not?

it sounds like you haven’t told him how important it is for you to feel satisfied or feel a connection with him sexually.

if you have told him how important it is for you, and he still says he’s not interested in changing, I think you’d need to talk about that together. Because that’s a problem.

I wonder if you could tell him you’re starting to fantasise about sex with other men and it troubles you… see what he says to that. He might be happy for you to have a discrete sexual affair

allboysherebutme · 28/12/2022 23:52

Selfish git, maybe he has problems and can't prolong it. X

Ivyonafence · 29/12/2022 01:51

Have sex with the other guy.

Stop having sex with your husband, he's just masturbating using your vagina instead of his hand.

You owe him nothing.

MMmomDD · 29/12/2022 02:16

This isn’t an uncommon situation.
And I think it happens quite often and far more than we imagine.
It’s OK to have a crush and to fantasise. For other people it maybe Celebrity X. For you it’s Person X, from your office.
You may actually end up acting upon the fantasy. And I won’t really blame you - as at early 30s your is severely neglecting an important part of your relationship.
It may or may not lead to the end of your relationship. I am a fatalist - so in a way view things through a lens of what meant to happen would happen.

If nothing comes out of it (or you manage to keep it hidden and controlled) - In a few years - i think it’ll get easier as you’ll have kid(s) and your focus would shift for a few years anyway.

You can, of course, refuse to have one sided sex with your H. And tell him what you want him to do better again. Or you can agree to open up your relationship.
Not the easies options, I am guessing.

Good luck! Life is too short.