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Original poster

Does this make me an incel?

39 replies

patrickS · 28/12/2022 19:09

Posting here as I am hoping to get a woman's perspective on this.

So as background, I previously worked in an unpleasant job with some very horrible people (I can't give further details as this will out me). I experienced a number of traumatic experiences in this job which continues to affect me years later, to this day.

The consequence of this is that I have become completely unsociable. I no longer have any friends, and I have no interest in meeting new friends either. I am able to go to work, but all of my evenings are spent indoors as I have no interest in doing anything else.

Of course, this affects things on the relationship side too. I have never had a relationship, but I had always wanted to change that. But ever since I had the traumatic experiences in my old job, I no longer have any interest in dating or relationships. I flicked through Tinder, just out of curiosity, and even just the thought of speaking to someone fills me with a depressed, sinking feeling.

The weird thing is that I have wondered if this technically puts me in the "incel" category. But I dislike incels and don't want to be associated with them. I am not really sure what to do at this point.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 28/12/2022 19:12

You sound depressed.

you might also be an incel but that would depend on how you think about/treat women.

get help for your depression, see a dr and start exercising. Seek help for the old job related issues.

catchthedog · 28/12/2022 19:14

no as you aren't involuntarily celebate . you are choosing to not not have relationships.
you sounds like you should really get some counselling over what happened in the job though. it's awful that it would have an impact on you like that, and you dont need to stay this way.

Fireyflies · 28/12/2022 19:17

Technically yes but it's not a label I'd embrace and not a group I'd want to join. That's an awful lot of nasty hate amongst online incel groups, more than the is support.
Have you looked into getting any counselling to help you deal with the effects of the negative experiences that have made you wary of relationships?

bellac11 · 28/12/2022 19:17

Incel just means involuntary celebate, it doesnt mean anything about how you view life or relationships

Unfortunately its been taken over as a word incorrectly, like a lot of things

Georgeskitchen · 28/12/2022 19:23

You sound like you need some help with depression which might help you to get involved in every day life again. Don't be so quick to give yourself a label x

YoBeaches · 28/12/2022 19:23

No, OP, you're not an incel. You are currently voluntarily avoiding relationships and contact.

Get some help to deal with your past.

Pinkbonbon · 28/12/2022 19:24

No it just means you aren't feeling like being in a relationship atm. Perhaps due to depression brought on by past struggles. See your gp.

ACynicalDad · 28/12/2022 19:25

Your voluntarily celibate. They want it but can’t find a consenting partner. Still I think you should talk to someone, it didn’ doesn’t sound like any way to live.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 28/12/2022 19:26

You may have ptsd, OP. Speaking about this with a trauma therapist will help. You’re certainly not an incel. 💐

VladmirsPoutine · 28/12/2022 19:26

Nothing you've written has any signs of you being an incel but what might be beneficial is getting counselling to work through the issues that prevent you from fully enjoying life. Being at peace with yourself. You might not necesarily find that relationships work for you but that's neither here nor there when you have a lot of trauma to work through which you're carrying thus impeding you from enjoying even small things let alone putting yourself out there to meet someone.

GreyCarpet · 28/12/2022 19:27

Is it the fault of shallow women that you are single?

If yes, then, yes, you are an incel.

If no, then, no, you are not.

stormywaves · 28/12/2022 19:28

No you are not an incel. They deliberately go out of their way to harass and harm random women they believe would reject them.

You sound depressed and have had your confidence knocked from your previous job. Maybe get some help to get back on your feet and forget about a relationship for now, just get comfortable mixing & socialising with people and take it from there.

Abhannmor · 28/12/2022 19:31

bellac11 · 28/12/2022 19:17

Incel just means involuntary celebate, it doesnt mean anything about how you view life or relationships

Unfortunately its been taken over as a word incorrectly, like a lot of things

True. It began as an Internet forum way back . Started by a woman iirc. Morphed into a movement of embittered men though.

dolor · 28/12/2022 19:31

No you're not an incel. As someone has already mentioned, you probably have PTSD though. You should try and seek help for that, if you can.

Shelaydownunderthetable · 28/12/2022 19:36

No, you’re not an incel. The fact that you’ve come here for perspective from women shows that that isn’t the case at all, because incels dehumanise women.

You sound very self aware 🌸And possibly affected by depression and/or PTSD. I would really really encourage you to speak to someone - your GP for a start, or specialist help if you can afford to go private. Take care.

glamourousindierockandroll · 28/12/2022 19:41

I agree that for the most part, you're voluntarily avoiding relationships because of your mental health.

Even if you were having unsuccesful dating experience, it doesn't sound like you've got the warped world view held by Incels.

ThisGirlNever · 28/12/2022 19:42

I think there are two types of 'incel'.

  1. People that would like to be in an adult sexual relationship, but aren't able to find a partner. That's nothing to be ashamed of, but could be very difficult to deal with and I can see how that would lead to depression/despair.

  2. People that blame/hate the opposite sex for their lack of sexual activity. These are the crazies that you read about in the media.

If you're not actually trying to meet anybody, then I'm not sure your celibacy is 'involuntary'.

From your post, it seems like you've got PTSD. I'd definitely seek professional help to deal with what's occurred.

Original poster
patrickS · 28/12/2022 19:43

Thanks for the responses all. I will see GP in the new year I think.

OP posts:
HotChoxs · 28/12/2022 20:26

incels don't question whether they're incels, they're just incels.

HotChoxs · 28/12/2022 20:29

ThisGirlNever · 28/12/2022 19:42

I think there are two types of 'incel'.

  1. People that would like to be in an adult sexual relationship, but aren't able to find a partner. That's nothing to be ashamed of, but could be very difficult to deal with and I can see how that would lead to depression/despair.

  2. People that blame/hate the opposite sex for their lack of sexual activity. These are the crazies that you read about in the media.

If you're not actually trying to meet anybody, then I'm not sure your celibacy is 'involuntary'.

From your post, it seems like you've got PTSD. I'd definitely seek professional help to deal with what's occurred.

1 isn't an incel, either someone who hasn't found the right person yet or someone who is seriously inhibited from relationships with the opposite sex.

2 is an incel because they are always going for 'hot women' and no-one else is good enough, it's about their attitude rather than their situation.

HotChoxs · 28/12/2022 20:37

technically everyone is at some stage an incel because I don't think anyone is always shagging and ultimately that's what we'd all like do

it's not really a techcical term, it's just a group of people who are angry with women which you're not.

don't compare yourself to others, do you because there's only one you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/12/2022 20:40

No it doesn’t 😊
it means you have PTSD and trauma
and maybe you need some extra help in healing from this

strawberriesplease · 28/12/2022 20:40

I think you need chemical medical support to get you into a better place and also counselling.

Please don't apply horrid labels to yourself.

Make 2023 the year for change.

Good luck

HotChoxs · 28/12/2022 20:44

Agree about not labelling yourself, you're just you. Sounds like you have had a difficult time of it recently and need to find a way out. That happens to everyone in some way shape or form. There's nothing wrong with YOU

ButterBastardBeans · 28/12/2022 20:47

Introverted yes. Incel no as you are choosing to live this way.