Does this make me an incel?

[patrickS]

Posting here as I am hoping to get a woman's perspective on this.

So as background, I previously worked in an unpleasant job with some very horrible people (I can't give further details as this will out me). I experienced a number of traumatic experiences in this job which continues to affect me years later, to this day.

The consequence of this is that I have become completely unsociable. I no longer have any friends, and I have no interest in meeting new friends either. I am able to go to work, but all of my evenings are spent indoors as I have no interest in doing anything else.

Of course, this affects things on the relationship side too. I have never had a relationship, but I had always wanted to change that. But ever since I had the traumatic experiences in my old job, I no longer have any interest in dating or relationships. I flicked through Tinder, just out of curiosity, and even just the thought of speaking to someone fills me with a depressed, sinking feeling.

The weird thing is that I have wondered if this technically puts me in the "incel" category. But I dislike incels and don't want to be associated with them. I am not really sure what to do at this point.

Hi OP - please get some care for yourself. Many moons ago, I had an extremely difficult and traumatic experience in a job. It was only once I had some therapy and anti-depressants that I was able to start moving forward. Once I took those steps, I was able to move on quite quickly. I only had the therapy and took the ADs for about 6 months but they really turned things around for me.

If somebody would like to be sexually active, but isn't, then they're 'involuntarily celibate'.

It’s come to mean men who feel they are owed sex and write off women because they don’t look like porn stars whilst simultaneously being awful misogynists. You sound nothing like them and I suggest you don’t associate with them either.

But yes, please do get some mental health support. Lots of us have needed help to overcome trauma, please seek help. Whether you want a relationship when you’re in a better head space is up to you, but you deserve to be happier - single or dating.

No I don't think you are an incel.

Police by any chance ?

You definitely would benefit from trauma therapy. A combination of EMDR and relational therapy would be perfect. You need to process and move beyond your traumatic experiences and also regain trust in people and start to be able to rebuild your faith in relationships.

PTSD means that you are regularly re-experiencing past traumas as if they were happening in the moment. This makes it almost impossible to have relaxed social contact (which you need when you're considering romantic relationships) because you are in a state of extreme alarm. It might be worth reading the Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, which addresses all aspects of trauma and how they can be overcome.

You're not an Incel if you don't buy into their misogynistic ideology.

You just sound lonely and depressed, and getting some help with that from your GP, having counselling or therapy and starting to rebuild a social life is your way out of that. You're not enjoying your life currently, so it's time to make some changes and find your way back.

Police by any chance ?

Not police. I don't want to reveal the nature of the job because I think it becomes too easy to identify me, but it's not police.

Well that's all of us at some point then isn't it.

@HotChoxs

Exactly. The are a lot of involuntarily celibate people that will fix things on their own. Others, maybe with autism, etc, that might need help. Some who only have themselves to blame - e.g. abysmal personal hygiene. And then there are the 'incels' in the media.

I don't think hating on people that can't get laid is healthy or helpful.

Incels is a really unhelpful, dangerous label because it implies that something is being withheld from them, not that they're unable to get into relationships for whatever reason. (And the solution involves working on themselves and trying to become potentially good partners, not the bitter assumption women owe them sex or companionship whatever they're like.) I think it should only be used for people who buy into that ideology, not be used mainstream for people who struggle to get dates.

No you’re not an incel. Incels hate women.

GP is a good idea, I just want to say that if they aren't supportive and try to fob you off, get a second opinion from a different GP.
EMDR therapy is available on the NHS and is very effective for PTSD.
If you want to do something about the social isolation, start with communities for hobbies on the internet. Make a point of having one social interaction that isn't work related every day. You could also look at CBT.

I agree, but some people just don't have solutions, they can try things but there are no guarantees in this life. There are just outliers amongst people.
And that's fine. Because sex and relationships is just one aspect of life.
They're allowed to be unhappy with the situation also and not be told it's their fault or be made to feel any lesser for it.

It's when it spills over into the idea that something is being withheld* *from them it becomes a problem as you say But we have a society which overglorifies sex so it's going to happen.

It's important to remember that there isn't a single "woman's viewpoint". As long as you treat us as individuals, you won't be in particular danger of becoming an incel.