I'm I a bad person for thinking this way

[SienaBlue]

Our daughter goes to a club approx. 20 minutes drive away and is friendly with another girl who goes there once a week for drama too. I've only met her parents once, my husband had never met them before.

Late Christmas eve my daughter had a message from her friend at club to say her mum had collapsed. We said we were sorry to hear this and offered her friend to stay with us the night. Her friend replied to say they were taking her mother in the Ambulance and she was going with her uncle.

Just after midnight we were getting ready to go up to bed when about 12:30 Christmas morning our daughter came to tell us she'd had a message of her friend saying 'help' we need to go to the hospital. So her Dad called my daughters phone and she passed it to my husband, they suspected sepsis and wanted a lift to the hospital as they don't drive. My husband took their address and went straight down to get them then took them over the hospital getting back about 1:30.

I didn't put our presents out incase her friend needed to come back to stay with us whilst her Dad was at the hospital and I didn't want our daughter opening presents in front of her friend.

Anyway we went up to bed 2 in the morning hoping to get some sleep before the big day and praying for better news in the morning about her friends mother. A 2:30 the phone goes and her friends Dad says can you pick us back up they are keeping her in so there's nothing we can do. My husband gets dressed and out he goes not getting back home until 3:45 Christmas morning. It's a 140 mile trip. They think it's a kidney infection but didn't say alot.

They've now messaged my daughter asking can we have her friend tomorrow. We have plans to go over my mother's for food and other family are coming over too so we are all meeting up. Plus I know we would have to go pick up and drop off her friend, so we would be restricted with times. I'm also a little annoyed that they didn't offer any money towards fuel at all and monies tight. I feel the least they could have done was to have offered something towards the fuel as appreciation for my husband running them around Christmas morning. My husband thinks I'm nasty and started shouting at me in front of our daughter that we should have the girl even if that means filling our empty tank and running around to collect her, her father to the hospital and dropping her back and that one day it could be me etc.

My question am I wrong to not agree to go collect and watch her friend tomorrow? Also am I wrong to think they should offer something towards the fuel?

I think I'm more upset by my husband shouting im a nasty person in my face in front of our daughter, who then went and retreated to her room.

How old are the children?
Can the other family afford fuel contributions if they don't drive?

If your DH is willing, why do you want to stop him? Different if he didn’t agree either but an extra child at a family gathering is surely no big deal?

Fuel contribution is a separate issue and yes, it wouldn’t be unfair to ask for this. That’s a long round trip.

Can't you just simply say "Sorry but we are away all day tomorrow, so not able to help".

is this real?

a mother and wife are seriously ill, you extended a hand of kindness in your first message to them, they have grabbed it.

Yes maybe they should have closers friends and family to help them out, but right now it seems not.

TBH the dad properly won't be thinking of anything else apart from his wife.

just have the girl over. Think she's had a pretty shitty Christmas so far don't you?

In these situations, I always reverse the positions.

How would I feel if my partner was in hospital, seriously ill, and our daughter was struggling and wanted to spend time with her friend.

I'd be hoping her friend's family had enough care and compassion about them to agree to this.

Seems your husband and daughter have that compassion and care in their characters.

I don't think having her would make a difference to your get together tomorrow. Why don't you just state the times you'd be picking her up and dropping her off to see if they're suitable?

My dad died of sepsis so I hope her mum gets better soon.

Also wanted to add, the cost of fuel will absolutely be the last thing on the father's mind when his partner is seriously ill.

Again, your husband seems to understand and empathise with this.

Personally I wouldn't think twice about it.

To clarify, I wouldn't think twice about having this friend and helping a family in need at such a hard time.

Yes, you're being unreasonable. Just have the friend. You can't imagine reimbursing you is at the forefront of their mind atm.

It’s only been a few days. The mum is still in hospital, the daughter has had an awful time.

Your husband has been incredibly kind- it’s lovely he wants to continue being kind.
Yes you are being unreasonable

You could be a good person here. Just help them.

How did he manage a 140 mile trip in 1 hour 15 minutes?

This message s an emergency I wouldn't even dream of fuel costs in an emergency, I do think your being unkind

YANBU OP - you don't know these adults well and have been very kind with drop offs and pick ups so far. However, some time has passed whereby other people they know can pitch in to help. The crisis has lessened somewhat in that the patient is in hospital. If you don't easily have the funds to fill a tank of petrol up then you cannot accept. January is a long month and Xmas likely to have been expensive. Likely to be an unfavourable opinion but I think you helped when it mattered and now they can make their own arrangements.

Really, that's your issue?

OP you are being a bit nasty.

can you be direct. “Yes we can look after her for the day, however would need a contribution towards the cost of fuel”.

personally I’d let the fuel cost go but I can see that’s harder if money is tight so I think it’s ok to ask if that’s an issue.

Its good to help others at a particularly difficult time, just be wary it doesn’t turn into you always being called on and in turn in to a one way relationship.

@GrasstrackGirl are people not allowed to be curious? the first journey he did it in an hour. So 140 miles per hour non stop. Some going that.

What about the Uncle who was mentioned at the beginning?

Presumably the little girl is very distressed and her dad - mistakenly - thought it would help her to spend time with some nice and supportive people

they are a very long way off being cheeky fuckers

there but for the grace of god OP

i imagine your husband has had a bit of a shock seeing what you’re really like

Wind your neck in Edinburgh it's not that bad

You have the chance for an act of kindness - and it is Christmas.

nancydroo, I was wondering where the uncle was too as we don't really know them. My concern is that this may become a regular thing, as the first time I met them was when they asked about me giving their daughter a lift to a sleepover, which I did for their daughter not to miss out. Christmas time is expensive, and I'm in consultations at work due to a restructure, so could loose my job in the new year. I do hope that her mum get better soon and from the above it seems the majority think I'm nasty. Perhaps that's knocked some sense into me to stop worrying about my problems.

You are not being unreasonable, you hardly know these people!
You have been very kind but they are being ridiculous...there are taxis!