Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I'm I a bad person for thinking this way

41 replies

SienaBlue · 28/12/2022 16:18

Our daughter goes to a club approx. 20 minutes drive away and is friendly with another girl who goes there once a week for drama too. I've only met her parents once, my husband had never met them before.

Late Christmas eve my daughter had a message from her friend at club to say her mum had collapsed. We said we were sorry to hear this and offered her friend to stay with us the night. Her friend replied to say they were taking her mother in the Ambulance and she was going with her uncle.

Just after midnight we were getting ready to go up to bed when about 12:30 Christmas morning our daughter came to tell us she'd had a message of her friend saying 'help' we need to go to the hospital. So her Dad called my daughters phone and she passed it to my husband, they suspected sepsis and wanted a lift to the hospital as they don't drive. My husband took their address and went straight down to get them then took them over the hospital getting back about 1:30.

I didn't put our presents out incase her friend needed to come back to stay with us whilst her Dad was at the hospital and I didn't want our daughter opening presents in front of her friend.

Anyway we went up to bed 2 in the morning hoping to get some sleep before the big day and praying for better news in the morning about her friends mother. A 2:30 the phone goes and her friends Dad says can you pick us back up they are keeping her in so there's nothing we can do. My husband gets dressed and out he goes not getting back home until 3:45 Christmas morning. It's a 140 mile trip. They think it's a kidney infection but didn't say alot.

They've now messaged my daughter asking can we have her friend tomorrow. We have plans to go over my mother's for food and other family are coming over too so we are all meeting up. Plus I know we would have to go pick up and drop off her friend, so we would be restricted with times. I'm also a little annoyed that they didn't offer any money towards fuel at all and monies tight. I feel the least they could have done was to have offered something towards the fuel as appreciation for my husband running them around Christmas morning. My husband thinks I'm nasty and started shouting at me in front of our daughter that we should have the girl even if that means filling our empty tank and running around to collect her, her father to the hospital and dropping her back and that one day it could be me etc.

My question am I wrong to not agree to go collect and watch her friend tomorrow? Also am I wrong to think they should offer something towards the fuel?

I think I'm more upset by my husband shouting im a nasty person in my face in front of our daughter, who then went and retreated to her room.

OP posts:

JoyeuxNarwhal · 30/12/2022 12:15

Valeriekat · 30/12/2022 09:45

You are not being unreasonable, you hardly know these people!
You have been very kind but they are being ridiculous...there are taxis!

Probably not very many taxis at 2 in the morning on Christmas day though, and those that are available will be hugely expensive.

@SienaBlue I'd be more concerned that your husband shouted at you in front of your child. Having a difference of opinion over this is fine, yelling at you is really not. I can understand why you feel like you do, but in that situation I would help out and take the dd with you (checking with host first).

Strawberrysundaeonamonday · 30/12/2022 12:48

If you don’t know them well they have imposed quite a bit on your Christmas.
However, they sound like they are quite isolated and in desperate need for help. Once the mum is better that will probably be an end to it. I would see if it was possible to take the friend to the family gathering. A lot of people have a more the merrier attitude around Christmas and it sounds like your child’s friend could do with some fun. It would be a nice thing to do.

NoPrivateSpy · 30/12/2022 13:21

Actually, OP, going against the grain, I really think it depends on what is wrong. If it's an emergency then of course you help out and then gauge the appropriateness of tackling petrols costs in a few weeks. But if it's a urine infection, then I'm struggling a little to understand why you need to have the child.

The mother presumably could cope on her own in hospital so think they're being a bit CF. You could always say you have plans tomorrow but would be happy to have her on Sunday for the day / night if that is more convenient? They are probably not aware you have plans so be honest.

Notimeforaname · 30/12/2022 14:41

If it's too expensive for you then yanbu to say no. You helped when it was an emergency. The mum is being taken care of now.
This time the dad is trying to make plans for the daughter, if they dont suit your plans or you can't keep paying the petrol, he can make other plans. There is an uncle too. This time it isn't an emergency as such.

You husband is dick for shouting at you. It's ok to think differently about things but not ok to be shouted at for it. You have done nothing wrong.

Original poster

SienaBlue · 31/12/2022 11:42

We replied saying, 'what time was they thinking of as we already have plans for tomorrow afternoon', so would have had her in the morning. The daughter replied saying tomorrow afternoon as we are hoping to go visit my mother in hospital too. (We don't have the fathers number or know his name, but the father does have my husbands number). By the way there are buses and trains which would get them to the hospital. Anyway, we then responded to say would you like to come up the next day instead, but they haven't responded to even acknowledged this.

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 31/12/2022 11:45

You've done more than enough op.

Notimeforaname · 31/12/2022 11:46

Anyway, we then responded to say would you like to come up the next day instead, but they haven't responded to even acknowledged this

Have they even told you how the mum is? If it was sepsis or a kidney infection?

Edinburghmusing · 31/12/2022 11:48

I’m so sorry that the daughter has not prioritised responding to your text in the context of her mother being seriously ill in hospital.

Sparkletastic · 31/12/2022 11:49

Hmm I'd take a step back from them if I were you OP.

Original poster

SienaBlue · 31/12/2022 12:51

Edinburghmusing Gosh aren't you a bundle of joy, always looking to dig the knife in and twist it, looking for negatives in kind acts and offers people do for practically strangers. I'd love to know how many good deeds you've done for others, absolutely none I'd bet. You sound absolutely awful, too negative, bitter and vile to even know what a kind act is!

OP posts:

Ijuststoodonlego · 31/12/2022 12:54

Crazypaving22 · 28/12/2022 16:42

To clarify, I wouldn't think twice about having this friend and helping a family in need at such a hard time.

Same here, I wouldn't even think too deeply I'd just do it, as others have said if the shoe was on the other foot.

Edinburghmusing · 31/12/2022 13:04

? I found a negative in a kind act that you have NOT done??

your whole thread is about how you do NOT want to do a kind act for a practical stranger?

i wouldn’t think twice about looking after the little girl and have some similar in the past

LuckyLucyLeo · 31/12/2022 13:37

Togoodtobeforgotten · 28/12/2022 16:52

This message s an emergency I wouldn't even dream of fuel costs in an emergency, I do think your being unkind

This. And maybe, when they aren't worried about someone dying/being seriously ill, They might want to repay your kindness. But I can't imagine that being their top priority at that point

TedMullins · 31/12/2022 13:44

i get it’s shit that you’re facing possible redundancy (just been through it myself) but I’m not sure how that would stop you helping these people in an emergency. I would do it and have helped people before in bad situations without questioning their motives

LadyKenya · 31/12/2022 13:53

Only help if you have a willing heart. I know that may sound trite, but I have had experience of people purporting to help, and then not being happy because they felt that they were not thanked enough, or properly, and then feeling resentful.

YoBeaches · 31/12/2022 14:01

I think you've been very generous already for a family you don't really know.

You can only do what you are able to that doesn't detriment yourself.

Might be better for the fathers to communicate now at her than via the daughters.

Flip

1 2