Feeling suicidal

[huniimhome]

It's a long and depressing story but been married for nearly 7 yrs. 2 dc. Today he shouted and screamed in my face, swearing at me while I was holding the baby. My older child witnessed him throwing clothes at me and breaking things. Weirdly though my eldest dc isn't scared of him and still wanted to play with him while my youngest baby was crying so much he fell asleep eventually. Our problems have been going ever since we first got married if I'm being honest. A lot of red flags I ignored and didn't speak up in the first year or two of marriage. Now I do speak up it's constant abuse and shouting.

I just wish I could be brave enough to actually kill myself. Be rid of this bullshit life I'm leading and be away from him and his awful family.

I've had suspicions about him and his mums relationship being very odd. Now he lies about her constantly and treats her like the other woman in a lot of respects. I try to pretend she doesn't exist for my own sanity however do have to play nice when I see her.

The other day SIL came up to me and asked me how I was coping. It all came out well not all but just a skim of the bullshit I I have to endure. His mum said nothing during this conversation even though I admitted to being severely depressed. So everyone is enabling his behaviour basically and he thinks he has done nothing wrong.

I can't go anywhere as my parents home is not big enough for us. Ideally I want him to go.

I've spent the holidays stuck in my bedroom with my baby avoiding him. Hardly eating. Wishing I was dead.

Hi OP, well done for asking for help. You can and will get through this for the sake of your DCs. Whilst your parent’s house may be too small long term, I am sure that they would want to squeeze you in short term to help. Please talk to them. Also try speaking to women’s aid, you are being abused and need help. www.womensaid.org.uk/

So sorry to read this OP. Please get some help, call the Samaritans or your GP for an urgent appointment - there is help out there. I’ve struggled with my mental health before and had suicidal thoughts and even attempted, but ultimately when I look back on then now, I didn’t want to die, I just wanted the situation I was in to be over. I’ve also been in an abusive relationship which worsened my mental health. I’m out of that now. Things do get better. Leave him. You’ve got two DC to live for, I’m sure your family love you and your friends. Free yourself from him and get some support for how you’re feeling. You’ve said in your post you want to die just to get away from him - you don’t need to die to do that. Kick him out or go to your parents. They’ll make room. I’m sure they’d rather have an alive child cramped into their house.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this and I’m hear to talk/listen. Could you move to your parents temporarily whilst you find your feet again? I’m sure they wouldn’t mind it being a tight squeeze. Do they know what’s going on? Does anyone else know other than his family?

Please contact womens aid. This is abuse and you need to get out now. I’ve been in your shoes and had to cope with the MIL being the ‘other woman’ and controlling every aspect of our relationship while my ex dh worshipped her and pandered to her every whim. Please seek help, it’s not easy but you will come out the other end I promise. Womens aid will guide you and maybe arrange for you to go into a refuge if you have nowhere else to go.

I had similar thoughts and feelings when I was in an abusive marriage; it is completely living under continual psychological pressure, it makes you feel hopeless and despairing. Do your mum and dad know what conditions you and your kids are living under with this man? You're in a situation that is hurting you and your kids. You are stronger then you think. Please urgently contact Women's Aid to make a plan to leave. You deserve care and help to get our of this situation.

*completely awful

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this OP.
Please contact women's aid as previously suggested.
You will get through this.

Hi huniimhome,

We're so sorry that you're feeling this way.

We can see you're getting some good support from other Mumsnetters, but we thought we'd also add a link to our Mental Health resources as there are many organisations listed which could give you some more support in real life. The Samaritans are there for you too, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123, any time.

We also wanted to let you know about a text service called Shout - please click on this link for further information - giveusashout.org. Shout 85258 is a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone who's struggling to cope. They can help with a range of issues including anxiety and depression or if you're feeling overwhelmed.

Other posters have mentioned Women's Aid, so we thought we'd add a link to their webpage - Women's Aid - information and support. We know they've helped many Mumsnetters in the past, in particular with the Freedom Programme, so please take a look at their website.

Do keep talking here, OP. We hope you're okay

Hi op sorry you're feeling so bad. Listen to the advice on here they're a good bunch of ladies when people are suffering and need help.
You might be feeling depressed thinking you're stuck where you are, you're not, you can leave this man and leave what he's dishing out behind. You deserve better, so do your kids and they need you so please get that help and get out of there to a better life 💐

I can barely imagine how awful you must be feeling, and send my heartfelt wish that having reached this point, you can now begin to rebuild your precious life the way you want it.
First of all, remember that you are a good and loved person, even if you can't feel it right now, it's real. Your children love you, your family love you.
How to do that must feel overwhelming, but you only need to do one little thing at a time and build on that. Please reach out and talk to people who can help you, today - your family, Women's Aid, Samaritans and so on.
Maybe someone supportive could come over to the house and sit with you for a bit, or go out for a walk with the kids and you?
You can and will get free of this situation - use the help around you and your own inner strength. You must be a pretty strong person to have endured this abusive relationship for so long. When you're free of him and with your lovely children, you will thank yourself for being brave now.

Hi everyone. So thankful for everyone's replies they mean so much to me. Unfortunately no one irl knows the extent of what I'm going thru. My family would be mortified if they knew how he behaves. He's very good at putting up a perfect front for others. Ppl think he's a saint.
I'm especially worried about my mothers reaction tbh. She was a single mum and never wanted that life for us. So I'm really worried about how she's gona cope if I'm honest.

He said he'll happily go to his parents house as it'll be too much upheaval to move the kids and their stuff.

I feel completely empty and broken. But he threw things at me in front of my son who is understanding things now, I'm so worried he's scarred him for life.

He's also saying he's gona "get custody" of both kids. I don't even know how that will work. Does anyone have any experience in this? I obviously don't want him to have full custody and assumed the mother always got it.

Also worried about him leaving me with no money etc for my future. Worried about how my and my kids future will look now. As I know he will get remarried, he's said as much.

No he isn’t going to get custody of both kids. It has to go through a family court and judges don’t just hand over custody like sweets! It’s all a game to people like this. If it comes to going to court, you need to stay focused on why you feel the children are better off with him and not you! For starters, if both of you have parental responsibility then the court will start automatically at 50/ 50 and will then listen to both sides of the story. The court are only interested in the children and their welfare, not about what he did to you or what he will ‘claim’ you did to him so tit for tat blame games do not work, even if you’re a victim of abuse. I had this issue with my abusive ex and because I’d never reported him to the police I had absolutely no evidence against him whatsoever but the court and Cafcass went in my favour because my ex just turned it into a blame game about me rather than the about the welfare of the children. I explained exactly to cafcass that it was an abusive relationship and how I felt that being in the relationship affected my children and that we left due to domestic abuse and that they were living in a safe home with me away from all the abuse. I gained custody (residence prefer as it’s now called) and my ex sees the children once every weekend.

*Sorry that should say why the children are better off with you and not him!!

OP as he has offered, please do agree that he goes to stay with his parents to give you some peace and some breathing space. As others have advised, contact Womens Aid as soon as you can for advice and support.
Please open up to your Mum and family. Even though they might be shocked they will want to help you when they hear about the abuse that your husband has subjected you to, and how fragile you are feeling. You owe it to yourself and your children to be honest, please don't protect him by concealing his abusive behaviour any longer.

So sorry you're having such a rough time. Please call women's aid and tell your family. They will support you. This is a horrible situation and you owe it to yourself and your children to be safe and happy. Best of luck xx 💐 🌹

Custody of kids is the the oldest trick in the abusers book. An absolute guaranteed way of keeping you in line. Used by thousands of men over time to control and keep you with him.

Custody agreement is not dictated by him.

You will, you must survive. Don't let him win. Don't leave your children with him.

You are loved and not alone.

Call the police if he's in your face and breaking things. This is a domestic abuse situation and they may remove him from the home. He doesn't have to hit you for it to be abuse. Speak to women's aid.

OP let him go to his parent's
No he will not get full custody. It's just empty threats.
No matter how hard it is, please try to tell someone IRL.
Sending you much love and support.