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Original poster

Wanting to get Married

48 replies

PeacefulPottering · 28/12/2022 02:26

Twenty five years in and I want to get married, we have had infidelity (him) mental illness,( me) but I'm still sat here tonight wishing we could get married. It seems to me everyone else gets to do it, everyone gets married but me, I know it doesn't always work out but I'm so far away from a fricking proposal it's shit, 25 years with him and no mention of marriage? Do I just give up

OP posts:
Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 28/12/2022 02:37

Not to drip feed,
We have got over his affair, and my mental health after, I didn't deal very well with it, I had a stay in a mental health hospital. I am so much better now, I want so much to move on, part of that is being married. Everyone else is
We seem stuck, we have kids that are gone now, university, it's just us and I would like to be married, as well as I'm not financially okay as a single woman, I have no stake on our house, my home . I've been with him 25 years.

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 28/12/2022 02:41

Have you asked him to marry you?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 28/12/2022 02:55

In 25 years, surely you've discussed marriage?
Just raise the subject and talk to him about it.

Pinkbonbon · 28/12/2022 03:29

Why not just say you want to get married then? This isn't the movies or the 1950s you shouldn't be waiting around for a proposal. Have a discussion like the adults you are, weigh up the pros and cons and decide together. If you've geen through all they stuff together and you don't even feel comfortable asking for what you want then it sounds like it's still not a healthy relationship dynamic.

honeylulu · 28/12/2022 12:25

You can ask him about it but I can't see why he'd find it an attractive prospect. The house is in his name and you have no rights to it. I doubt it would suit him to put himself in the position where you would be entitled to half.

Unfortunately you don't have anything left to barter with. You've had children with him and they're now adults so he doesn't "need" you to take care of them. Any sacrifices you've made are water under the bridge now.

In your position I would at least raise it. You might be pleasantly surprised and he is willing but had assumed neither of you were bothered after so long. But more likely he won't be keen for the reasons above. He's already cheated on you so he's clearly self centred and willing to ride roughshod over your feelings to have what he wants.

Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 01:43

I haven't asked perhaps because I'm still wanting him to ask, the big romance. I obviously know now after 25 years that's not going to happen. He is happy to keep the status quo. Am I??

OP posts:
Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 01:45

I still would love the big statement! I love you my partner, I want to get married. He just thinks it's not for us now, we have somehow got beyond that, two kids, 25 years etc

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 02/01/2023 01:47

i agree with @honeylulu , at this point the best i would hope for and i'm not sure @PeacefulPottering have much of a leg to stand on is a will where upon his demise you inherit.
maybe medical power of attorney should he be comatose.
i'd not be looking back but looking forward at securing your future. lawyer up.

Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 01:49

I suppose what I'm saying is I want to get married and he doesn't because he has what he needs. I don't, I feel less than, I feel I want the validation of a wedding,

OP posts:
Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 02:03

I'm so annoyed, every fucking wierd couple get married!! Every one !! I'm literally here thinking why not me? I am nice, I'm sane, I have birthed two beautiful kids, I have been in a relationship for 25 years yet he has not asked to marry me!! Why? When all my peers are married?

OP posts:
Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 02:07

They seem to get married!! I'm still here going shall we? He always says money, but the couple's I have witnessed recently don't care about money, they just do it. I'm never going to get married Ami ?? As long as I'm with him.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 02/01/2023 02:10

PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 02:07

They seem to get married!! I'm still here going shall we? He always says money, but the couple's I have witnessed recently don't care about money, they just do it. I'm never going to get married Ami ?? As long as I'm with him.

Would you be happy with a registry office wedding? It sounds like you would and just want to be married rather than have a big wedding. That's how I would feel too.

If he doesn't even want a registry office wedding and isn't happy to have one in order to do something very important to the woman he says he loves, has shared more than two decades with and has two children with, I would be so upset in your place.

It's completely understandable you're baffled and upset by this.

Pinkbonbon · 02/01/2023 02:11

Maybe they took the bull by the horns.
You can have a discussion about marriage and he can still go buy the ring and propose to you btw. I mean the surprise might be taken out but it would still be romantic.

Tbh though op, he doesn't sound very respectful if he's not discussed this with you...though maybe he just assumes you too, don't want to marry.

monsteramunch · 02/01/2023 02:12

I think after 25 years you need to accept that he isn't going to marry you and make a choice. Would you rather stay with him and never get married or break up and potentially but not definitely meet and marry someone else?

Has he dangled the carrot of marriage this whole time? What a cruel thing to do if so.

Or has he been clear that he never wants to get married? If so it was a huge risk to hope he would change his mind if marriage has always been something very important to you.

fallfallfall · 02/01/2023 02:13

so he blames the lack of action on money?
well then registry office it is, cheaper on wednesdays i gather.
skip the engagement ring and go for wedding bands.

monsteramunch · 02/01/2023 02:15

Just seen that you have no stake in the home.

Sounds like he wants the life of a married man but sole control of the assets accrued during your relationship.

What kind of person doesn't want their partner of 25 years to have the financial protection of a stake in the family home? Not a decent person, IMO.

Especially with the affair on top of that.

He's reducing and regarding the house removing your future financial security.

What a dick.

Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 02:22

He has put the house ( paid for) for our kids. He has put his works pension for me , he has looked out for us. I just get fed up we haven't got married. We haven't stood up in front of our family/freinds and done it .

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 02/01/2023 02:28

I think it comes down to what I said upthread I'm afraid.

Would you be happy with a registry office wedding? It sounds like you would and just want to be married rather than have a big wedding. That's how I would feel too.

If he doesn't even want a registry office wedding and isn't happy to have one in order to do something very important to the woman he says he loves, has shared more than two decades with and has two children with, I would be so upset in your place.

It's completely understandable you're baffled and upset by this.

I think after 25 years you need to accept that he isn't going to marry you and make a choice. Would you rather stay with him and never get married or break up and potentially but not definitely meet and marry someone else?

Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 02:29

Sorry, just to clarify, he has put the house to go to our two children, he has put his pension to go to me,he has looked after us. I just want to be more than that, I want to be married, to have that , I don't know.. security?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 02/01/2023 02:33

Contact your local registry office and find out times etc.

Then sit him down and say I’d really like to be married. There is availability at the registry office on x dates at x times. I’d like to book one of those times, invite our friends and family and then book a room at the pub for drinks/meal or come back home for a few drinks (whatever works for you after) What do you think?

Then you’ll have your answer and you can decide what to do from there. If he is not keen then I’d be rethinking my future. It’s not clear how your finances are, other than you having no claim on the house. I’d focus on putting yourself in the best financial position that you can. Firstly, if he said he doesn’t want to get married then say ok then I need to be in the deeds to the house, I’ll contact the solicitor and get that organised. Then do it. Don’t accept him controlling your future like this

MiddleOfTheNightAgain · 02/01/2023 02:34

Tell him how much you need it then, and how much it hurts that you’re not married.

Tell him how important it is and how it’s eating you up.

He’s put you through enough pain to seriously disturb your MH and you need this from him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2023 02:36

PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 02:29

Sorry, just to clarify, he has put the house to go to our two children, he has put his pension to go to me,he has looked after us. I just want to be more than that, I want to be married, to have that , I don't know.. security?

If he dies, where does he think you will live?

Original poster
PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 02:38

And yes I have asked about getting married got met ith " are you having a laugh" .
He sees marriage with his parents, his parents were massively crap, both of them have gone on to have five weddings between them, he sees weddings as nothing.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2023 02:39

You've been sleep walking through your own life. It's beyond comprehension for me how you've allowed yourself to get into this position. Tell him you want to get married and start planning for your future. With him or without him.

monsteramunch · 02/01/2023 02:41

PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 02:38

And yes I have asked about getting married got met ith " are you having a laugh" .
He sees marriage with his parents, his parents were massively crap, both of them have gone on to have five weddings between them, he sees weddings as nothing.

Has he always said this? It's unclear if he's always said he doesn't want to marry you. If so you've made an active choice to spend 25 years with someone who has been honest about not wanting to marry you.

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