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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wanting to get Married

48 replies

PeacefulPottering · 28/12/2022 02:26

Twenty five years in and I want to get married, we have had infidelity (him) mental illness,( me) but I'm still sat here tonight wishing we could get married. It seems to me everyone else gets to do it, everyone gets married but me, I know it doesn't always work out but I'm so far away from a fricking proposal it's shit, 25 years with him and no mention of marriage? Do I just give up

OP posts:

Original poster

PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 02:42

Thank you so much for responding, i have read all your posts, thank you I'm listening,x

OP posts:

monsteramunch · 02/01/2023 02:47

I think the question of whether he's always said he doesn't want to get married is really important. Because if he has always said it and you just hoped he'd change his mind, that was an active choice on your part.

He's also cheated. And I recall from other threads some other details that make your relationship sound like a platonic rather than romantic coupling.

Again, I think the question of whether he's been honest or not over the years about wanting to get married to you or not is important.

Ihadenough22 · 02/01/2023 03:36

You been with him for 25 years and had children with him. Meanwhile he won't marry you and says it's because of money. Then you told us that your name is not even on the deeds of the house you share with him. I am sure that your salary helped pay the houses mortgage and the bills.

I be getting legal advice to see if you have a claim on the house you currently live in. Have you proof of making payments towards the mortgage and bills via your own bank statements?
See if you can find the mortgage details and bring them to a solicitor. Tell the solicitor of your situation and that he won't marry you but that you have proof of paying towards the house if you have this.

The reality is that you been with this man for 25 years but you don't have the legal protection of a marriage. He wants you in his life to do all the wife work, have his kids and support him.
Your income has enabled him to afford his house and you probably did most of the childminding when your kids were small because he was busy in work.

You need to get things sorted because if anything happens to him you may have no legal rights in regards to the house you currently live in.
I would be making plans to leave him because he has shown you who and what he is. As you get older you don't want to be around to look after/help him when he has shown so little concern towards you.

monsteramunch · 02/01/2023 04:06

Anyone with property knowledge - if they split up tomorrow and he said he wanted to live in the house and her to leave, would OP effectively be homeless? Or would she have any claim / right to stay? I would be terrified putting so much trust into anyone tbh.

Marmitepot · 02/01/2023 04:31

We are not married and the house is in my name. I have a Will though which states that DP can live in the house,or sell it and move if I die first.

having said all that we may now do a civil partnership to protect ourselves.

Aprilx · 02/01/2023 05:32

PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 02:29

Sorry, just to clarify, he has put the house to go to our two children, he has put his pension to go to me,he has looked after us. I just want to be more than that, I want to be married, to have that , I don't know.. security?

Do you not think you should get the family home if he dies, not your children? Where are you going to live? And actually I would be more worried about what happened if you split up.

America12 · 02/01/2023 06:36

PeacefulPottering · 02/01/2023 02:29

Where are you going to live if he dies first and the kids have the house ? Will they let you live there til you die ?

Zanatdy · 02/01/2023 06:43

Well it’s a new year and a good time to raise it. Tell him you want to get married now, because as you get older it’s better financially to be married. Why isn’t the house in both names? What happens if he dies first, do you get thrown out of the house if the kids want to sell it? Or has he written into the will that you remain in the house until you also die? I wouldn’t be in a relationship whereby the house wasn’t in my name. Even if you don’t get married I don’t see how it’s fair that it’s in his sole name. I’d speak to him, seriously speak to him, tell him it’s not about the day, the dress, but about feeling secure and making it legal after everything you’ve been through

Smooshface · 02/01/2023 08:34

I was with my ex for 20 years, watching friend after friend get married, but never us. Last wedding we went to was awful, i cried so much. We were engaged, have two kids, but nope. After his affair we split, i am surprised he didn't marry OW. He said he should have married me, but bit late now!

If this is something you need you will never get it from him.

Hiddenvoice · 02/01/2023 08:48

Bring it up again and ask his reasons for not wanting to get married. If he brings up money then tell him that’s a rubbish excuse. People can get married for a very little cost. Your children are grown up and moved out, you should be able to have a small low cost wedding.

In your early days did you two talk about marriage? Did you discuss what you both wanted? If so has he always not cared about marriage or did he previously want it and then change his mind? I ask this as my friend is desperate to get married but her partner has never wanted to. She is still with him and complains that she’s never going to get the romantic proposal but he has always made it clear that marriage is not what he wanted so we’ve told her many times thag sadly she can’t force him to change his mind.

I think you need to take this new year as a chance to have a think about what you really want from your relationship! If you two are not on the same wave length then you need to decide if you’re happy enough to continue or if it is time to make some changes to get the life that you want!

Ofcourseshecan · 02/01/2023 08:51

OP, please check what legal benefits you’d get from being married, eg automatically being considered his next of kin (is that still correct? Idon’t know, so do check). Then have a serious talk with him and explain that being married matters a lot to you. It sounds as if you haven’t pressed this point, so he may not know how much you care about it.

supernova1234 · 02/01/2023 09:23

After having our first child, I brought up the topic of marriage and he wasn't overly keen on marriage. I managed to convince him within a few minutes though and we had a small registry wedding.

Bring up the topic again to him and stress how important it is for you.

If he refuses to do the inexpensive gesture of a registry office wedding for his life partner, who has birthed his children and has supported him all these years, you have your answer.

He wants to financially control you and doesn't care about your security.

Original poster

PeacefulPottering · 04/01/2023 23:13

Thanks guys, I've read all posts. He isn't anti married as such, he has parents who have five married between them and doesn't see the benefit. I have a mum who married three times and ended up alone and unhappy.
Marriage was always to me about the one, I love you, the one. I just have this with him now, we have gone through the one, we have had illness, the one.
I am going to ask him, ask, do you want to marry me, do you want to get married? wish me luck

OP posts:

MiddleOfTheNightAgain · 04/01/2023 23:29

Good luck OP 🍀

Original poster

PeacefulPottering · 04/01/2023 23:32

MiddleOfTheNightAgain · 04/01/2023 23:29

Good luck OP 🍀

Thank you x

OP posts:

Original poster

PeacefulPottering · 04/01/2023 23:36

I'm going to ask him, he's on a night working tonight, I will x If he says no or fudges it I have got my answer

OP posts:

Delectable · 05/01/2023 00:05

How about simply celebrating your union and making it official by going to the registry?

Naunet · 05/01/2023 10:45

He’s not going to marry you, he gains nothing from it at all, the time to bring up marriage was before you gave him children. You’ve sat around hoping to be asked for 25 years, why so passive? You’ve also put yourself in a vulnerable situation regarding the house, if you split up tomorrow, you’d be homeless.

Im sorry OP, but I think you’ve sold yourself short for the sake of a fantasy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2023 10:54

What’s the plan if he says no, again?

You’ve asked him before and he said no.

venusandmars · 05/01/2023 11:11

What are you going to say? I fear that if you simply ask if he wants to get married, he will say 'not really' or fudge it again. He's done this for 20 years so why would he feel he needed to change his approach now.

Like a pp, I explained to my partner how important it was for me, and that I wanted to BE married, not to have a big wedding. In the end, after 14 years together we 'eloped' just us and 2 witnesses. He chose the location, I chose the flowers. We are both very happy that we're married but even after another 14years I don't think he would have ever chosen it for himself. He was very happy with the status quo, was scared that our relationship might be changed. It hasn't. In the words of Lella Secor: “I had always thought that marriage represented a distinct change in one’s life. Instead, I have found it to be a delightful continuation of a rare and beautiful friendship.”

Good luck!

ItsaMetalBand · 05/01/2023 11:49

In scenarios like this, you've got to let go of the idea that he'll spring a thoughtful, well planned, rose petal romantic proposal. He's just not that kind of man. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you if he doesn't want marriage though. But it does mean that you need to take the bull by the horns and do it yourself.

I did, and my marriage is no different to the ones who did get the instagram worthy proposal.

A couple of questions worth asking yourself as these helped clarify what I wanted is:
If you had to choose between him + never ever being married, or someone unknown but having all the romance/ wedding planning, and being a wife which would you choose?
And based on the answer to that, what do you need to achieve peace with either decision? so for example, if you went for option A, stayed, unmarried, what legal/ financial things need to change for you to be ok with that? if it's option B, what would a split & getting out dating again look like, and what would you do to achieve that?

For me personally, I took option A. I love him. I'm happy every day with him and I realised that I would rather be with him and be happily unmarried than with someone else and unhappily married. In truth, much of my wanting to marry was rooted in feeling like it was a kind of yardstick to prove to others that we were solid- I think this seems to be kind of where you are -that it's like a club or clique you aren't a member of and you feel that others judge you or your relationship as lesser to theirs because they had a wedding and some new jewellery.

Once I stopped giving a fuck about how others saw us, and saw any digs from smug marrieds for what they were, I actually wasn't bothered about marriage myself. He was happy to go along with a wedding, or not whichever I wanted. Eventually we did have the wedding and it's nice to have it done but we did it because we wanted to, and not because of the subtle societal pressure of status.

Hope the chat has gone well.

Original poster

PeacefulPottering · 09/01/2023 00:49

Thanks everyone for the replies.
I do think it's pressure from family. My OH immediate family don't think I'm " really" family think my sister in law, she sends cards to my OH with just his name.
My family think of us as a couple, his think of us as separate.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 09/01/2023 01:12

You'll ask, he will say no. Then what? You missed the deadline by 20 odd years, which was before you had DC.
That his affair affected you to the extreme that you were sectioned, and still you stayed with him, is quite sad.

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