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Original poster

I really dont know what to do

29 replies

reachforthebloodymary · 27/12/2022 17:34

I have been with my DP for 11 years now, since covid and lockdown, we have not been getting on, his drinking has gotten a lot worse and with this I think he is lying about money, the big wtf example, he use to transfer all his wage into our joint account, bar maybe £100, in November, we had a takeaway and he transferred £600 less because he paid for the takeaway out of his account (yes really) but we have been struggling on. There have been a lot of other little things but this was the was the thing, where I went what the actual fuck and then I had the promises that he would transfer the rest later on, which never happened.

We are not doing well financially, so this screwed us on so many different levels. I know it sounds daft written down, but I actually put this to one side, to deal with all the other stuff I was dealing with.

I am LC with my brother (for reasons that are about to become obvious), but he sent me a screenshot a couple weeks ago, of my partner's grandfather's will, who died back in August. and asking to borrow money

The basic is, my partner gets a quarter of the money, which could be anything from 15k-40k I think. My partner has not mentioned this at all. I have asked him outright, if he was going to get anything and he said no.

Last night, I had a proper conversation with him about it, told him I knew he was getting this money and again he has denied knowing anything. The thing is the executor of the will is the same person who dealt with another relative's will and he told my partner nearly straight away, that he was going to inherit., it is possible he might not know anything, but based on everything I honestly think he is bullshitting me.

The main thing that stands out to me, is the lack of trust and respect I have for him, regardless of whether he knew and hid it or didn't know. But he wants to stay together and work it out.

I do love him regardless, but I am worth a lot more than this and the money actually will make it easier for me to say enough go, because at least I know he will have enough for a rent deposit and 6 months rent, but then I go back to the thought, that he has supported me through some really shit times in the last 10 years and I am just getting back on track and would it be fair to give him a damn chance and work all this out, but then if we say give it 6 months, the money might be mostly gone and then it will be more difficult to tell him to leave knowing he has no where to go.

OP posts:
Pineappleskies · 27/12/2022 17:41

Are you sure he doesn't have a gambling problem? The sudden lack of funds plus the alcohol problem make me rather suspicious of this.

80s · 27/12/2022 17:47

Sounds like you have given him the chance already, though, to explain what's going on?
Might he be saving up to go himself?

Original poster
reachforthebloodymary · 27/12/2022 17:51

Pineappleskies · 27/12/2022 17:41

Are you sure he doesn't have a gambling problem? The sudden lack of funds plus the alcohol problem make me rather suspicious of this.

No I am fairly sure it is all going on alcohol. I have a horrible feeling he is drinking during the day.

But again, this goes to show the lack of trust, that it might be, I wouldnt say gambling as in bookies or online, but a quick trip to the pub and x amount in a slot machine I could imagine

OP posts:
Original poster
reachforthebloodymary · 27/12/2022 17:53

80s · 27/12/2022 17:47

Sounds like you have given him the chance already, though, to explain what's going on?
Might he be saving up to go himself?

I feel I have, but he is saying he knows nothing about the inheritance and if he wants to leave I have opened the door fairly wide now and he still wants to stay and make it work.

I think if it wasnt for everything else, I would believe him that he knows nothing, I dont know how the system works, so it might be possible,

OP posts:
Throwncrumbs · 27/12/2022 17:58

It seems you think more about the money, which you mention 5 times, wages, will, inheritance are also mentioned. You only mention love once. Do you work?

BayandBlonde · 27/12/2022 18:04

Sounds like he should get rid of you so he can enjoy HIS money.

Original poster
reachforthebloodymary · 27/12/2022 18:23

Throwncrumbs · 27/12/2022 17:58

It seems you think more about the money, which you mention 5 times, wages, will, inheritance are also mentioned. You only mention love once. Do you work?

I do work, I mention money so many times because its important in the context that I am talking about.

OP posts:
Original poster
reachforthebloodymary · 27/12/2022 18:24

BayandBlonde · 27/12/2022 18:04

Sounds like he should get rid of you so he can enjoy HIS money.

he is welcome to

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 27/12/2022 18:26

I dont know how the system works, so it might be possible,

There's your problem right there.....

You need to start educating yourself on how "the system works".

Without that, you are setting yourself up to be fucked over in life.

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh. But you owe it to yourself and your kids - if you have them - to be savvy in life. Nothing is guaranteed, you can see it on here all the time.

Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 18:28

Hmm well it looks like there are two big issues here:

He is being untruthful and he is drinking in a manner that is unhealthy. The money stuff sounds very dodgy. He's lying about it.

I'd say needs to step up and start being more honest and responsible and show that he is committed to a relationship.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/12/2022 18:30

How on earth did your brother get to see your partner's grandfather's will?

Sounds like there is not trust in your relationship any more, so just end it.

Original poster
reachforthebloodymary · 27/12/2022 18:41

Iflyaway · 27/12/2022 18:26

I dont know how the system works, so it might be possible,

There's your problem right there.....

You need to start educating yourself on how "the system works".

Without that, you are setting yourself up to be fucked over in life.

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh. But you owe it to yourself and your kids - if you have them - to be savvy in life. Nothing is guaranteed, you can see it on here all the time.

I need to figure out the inheritance system?

I dont think not knowing that is going to fuck myself and my child over

Most other things I have covered, pensions, renting, the benefit system, which has been a joy to get to know sarcasm

OP posts:
Original poster
reachforthebloodymary · 27/12/2022 18:46

@Lexi868 he has said all the right things with regards to this

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy my guess is he was stalking the probate government website thing for months, I didnt ask though.

The trust issue, is what has been bought up with this though and you are right, I have no trust, the fact I could even think he was lying is a massive issue. I dont know whether its possible to get that back and this is where I am now.

OP posts:
HuntingoftheSnark · 27/12/2022 19:02

I would separate from him on the basis that he has a drink problem and is lying to you, and withholding large sums of money after paying for a takeaway.

However, your brother has an incredible cheek as you and he are low contact yet he has asked to borrow money, not even from you but your partner, based on hearsay! If I were your partner, I would be so annoyed about that, that I would deny all knowledge of being a beneficiary.

Original poster
reachforthebloodymary · 27/12/2022 19:20

HuntingoftheSnark · 27/12/2022 19:02

I would separate from him on the basis that he has a drink problem and is lying to you, and withholding large sums of money after paying for a takeaway.

However, your brother has an incredible cheek as you and he are low contact yet he has asked to borrow money, not even from you but your partner, based on hearsay! If I were your partner, I would be so annoyed about that, that I would deny all knowledge of being a beneficiary.

the drink problem and the withholding are very recent things, which I hadn't talked to him about, as I said in the OP he has been very supportive to me over the years and if it was just those things, I would be willing to support him and do whatever is necessary to help and try and get back on track. The lying is more of the issue

As for my brother, I wish I could say I was surprised but I am really not and the main reason why I didnt tell my partner till yesterday evening was he would have been rightly pissed off (and was) and I wanted to get through the family christmas dinner first as argument free as possible.

OP posts:
Pineappleskies · 27/12/2022 19:21

BayandBlonde · 27/12/2022 18:04

Sounds like he should get rid of you so he can enjoy HIS money.

This isn't terribly helpful. I'm not sure OP has done anything to deserve that comment. Whatever your frustrations and pet hates are this doesn't seem a reasonable response to the thread.

Original poster
reachforthebloodymary · 27/12/2022 21:32

thank you @Pineappleskies

OP posts:
AkoraEdelherb · 27/12/2022 21:40

I wouldn’t stay with an alcoholic, no matter how good or bad they were with money. It’s no life. Leave him OP.

Watchkeys · 27/12/2022 21:46

Trust and respect are what love is made of. You don't love him; you're doing some kind of unhealthy semblance of love, probably as it was demonstrated to you by your parents, who were either unhappy with each other, or unhappy with/dismissive of you.

Break up with this guy, and spend time with people you do trust and respect. Staying with him would demonstrate a lack of trust and respect for yourself, and that's the issue, here.

Original poster
reachforthebloodymary · 27/12/2022 23:39

@Watchkeys

"probably as it was demonstrated to you by your parents, who were either unhappy with each other, or unhappy with/dismissive of you."

Very happy childhood, parents were good roles models, however I am keen not to want my son to model a healthy relationship and at the moment, I am not doing it, which is why I dont think we should stay together.

OP posts:
Horsemad · 28/12/2022 07:34

Get a copy of the will and confront him. Go from the there. If there''s no trust, there's no relationship.

Original poster
reachforthebloodymary · 28/12/2022 14:49

Horsemad · 28/12/2022 07:34

Get a copy of the will and confront him. Go from the there. If there''s no trust, there's no relationship.

I have done that and he says he knows nothing about it

OP posts:
Horsemad · 28/12/2022 15:02

Maybe you could check with the Executor? 🙂

ValerieDoonican · 28/12/2022 15:16

I think regardless of what is going on with his inheritance, the witholding of the £600 he owes you and presumably without explanation and indeed a grovelling apology, is massively disrespectful of him. Its a huge insult and shows how little he cares about you.

I wouldn't be able to get past that. And i wouldn't be able to trust him in future, to have any regard for my welfare. He doesn't seem to be showing any signs of remorse so why should you "give him a bit longer" ? If he has no interest in treating you better and loving alcohol less, things won't be any better in 6 months , will they?

FairyMarie · 28/12/2022 15:32

Ive been the executor of a will before and each beneficiary is notified. Is it all being sorted now or is it done? You can request a copy - www.gov.uk/search-will-probate

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