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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL & Covid

56 replies

Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 13:55

I know there’s been a lot of MIL bashing threads over the festive season, so I’m not brave enough for AIBU, but I’d like opinions on this one.

MIL is absolutely obsessed with DP, he has to visit her once a week ALONE, I am not invited, she wants her alone mother and son time (her words) many other examples which I won’t get into, I largely ignore this and let them get on with it.

Last week FIL, SIL & BIL came down with covid, MIL insisted she still wanted to pop in and drop presents off to us, I said no, and my reason is that my Dad started chemo 2 weeks ago for an aggressive, advanced and very symptomatic cancer, he is quite poorly, with the cancer and also the chemo side effects. She ignored the no, and turned up on our doorstep. She wasn’t allowed in, DP kept 2 metres from her and I insisted the presents went into the garage for a few days.

Today is DP birthday, 2 days ago as predicted MIL tested positive for covid also, she has today vehemently insisted that she brings DP birthday card and gift, he told her no repeatedly but she is refusing to take no for an answer and is adamant she is coming!!

Now DP and I have argued because he cannot see what she is doing. Would it really hurt to wait a few days, he’s not 5!!

I am seeing my dad daily at the moment, mainly for his mental health, he is really struggling, and also this hopefully not might be his last Christmas, and I don’t want to have to quarantine from him or risk passing on covid.

Am I in the wrong here? How should I handle this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 18:17

@monsteronahill you’re right. And I need to do something to break the cycle, but what? I’m genuinely open to suggestions on how to handle this.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/12/2022 18:21

Do you have children with him?

If so - might be worth asking him whether he'd expect them to behave as he was forced to do, if you two split up.

He needs to recognise first how abusive she is if he's to make any successful attempt to break free.

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 18:26

No, I have older teens, none together.

He can’t/won’t recognise how abusive she is. He sees it as me nagging and me with the problem. I’ve tried explaining that this is history repeating itself, he went through this with his first wife. His ex wife loses credibility as a reliable source because she eventually cheated on him, but I can only imagine what she put up with for years.

OP posts:
Ansumpasty · 27/12/2022 18:29

Wow, what a selfish woman. I agree with the others that he’s been conditioned into putting her needs first all of his life. All you can do is try and open his eyes to it, but it won’t be easy.

JoyBeorge · 27/12/2022 18:50

Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 14:15

I’m tempted to text her asking her to respect my wishes, but last time I tried to put boundaries in she stopped speaking to me for 8 weeks.

Well at least you'll get your boundaries.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 27/12/2022 18:57

Just tell him at 50 that cord must be pretty old and smelly by now!
Send him for a shower and a change of clothes.

Not quite sure how you sleep with such a sap tbh...

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