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Original poster

MIL & Covid

56 replies

Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 13:55

I know there’s been a lot of MIL bashing threads over the festive season, so I’m not brave enough for AIBU, but I’d like opinions on this one.

MIL is absolutely obsessed with DP, he has to visit her once a week ALONE, I am not invited, she wants her alone mother and son time (her words) many other examples which I won’t get into, I largely ignore this and let them get on with it.

Last week FIL, SIL & BIL came down with covid, MIL insisted she still wanted to pop in and drop presents off to us, I said no, and my reason is that my Dad started chemo 2 weeks ago for an aggressive, advanced and very symptomatic cancer, he is quite poorly, with the cancer and also the chemo side effects. She ignored the no, and turned up on our doorstep. She wasn’t allowed in, DP kept 2 metres from her and I insisted the presents went into the garage for a few days.

Today is DP birthday, 2 days ago as predicted MIL tested positive for covid also, she has today vehemently insisted that she brings DP birthday card and gift, he told her no repeatedly but she is refusing to take no for an answer and is adamant she is coming!!

Now DP and I have argued because he cannot see what she is doing. Would it really hurt to wait a few days, he’s not 5!!

I am seeing my dad daily at the moment, mainly for his mental health, he is really struggling, and also this hopefully not might be his last Christmas, and I don’t want to have to quarantine from him or risk passing on covid.

Am I in the wrong here? How should I handle this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 14:40

He’s popped round now, she’s only 10 mins down the road. His argument is we could pick it up anywhere (not likely as I’m not mixing, and haven’t been anywhere other than my moms) and also he promises to not go near her.

Where do we stand with it being picked up from cards/presents etc? Do I need to quarantine the gifts?

He thinks he’s in between a rock and a hard place, but I’m trying to be neither. I accept and allow their weird relationship as it doesn’t really have an impact on my life, but this decision does, and as far as I’m concerned it’s his mother he should be cross with but I’ll be the bad guy as per!!

OP posts:
Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 14:51

Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 14:40

He’s popped round now, she’s only 10 mins down the road. His argument is we could pick it up anywhere (not likely as I’m not mixing, and haven’t been anywhere other than my moms) and also he promises to not go near her.

Where do we stand with it being picked up from cards/presents etc? Do I need to quarantine the gifts?

He thinks he’s in between a rock and a hard place, but I’m trying to be neither. I accept and allow their weird relationship as it doesn’t really have an impact on my life, but this decision does, and as far as I’m concerned it’s his mother he should be cross with but I’ll be the bad guy as per!!

He's definitely got a strange relationship with his mother. She is smothering him and knows how to make him feel guilty and it's easier to blame you in this from his part. It's unhealthy that his codependant relationship with his mother is causing such issues and he is enabling her. They are both part of the problem.

Don't fall into the trap of allowing your DP to make you feel like a scapegoat. He's done something that is quite risky just for the sake of peace with mother. He doesn't live with his mother- he lives with you. She's jealous of your DF and also of you and your relationship with her darling son, who she feels she has some ownership and possession of.

Jealousy is a crazy thing and makes people do very irrational things. I really think your DP should know there are consequences to his and his mums actions. She should also worry that you will stop talking to her quite honestly.

I'm so annoyed for you

toomuchlaundry · 27/12/2022 14:52

Think the surface thing is not as likely as it was first thought, airborne rather than surface. Just wash your hands after touching the card but don’t have to quarantine it

toomuchlaundry · 27/12/2022 14:53

Sorry about your dad’s diagnosis. When things are calmer I would be having words with your DH about his mum’s dependency on him

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 14:58

@Lexi868 this ain’t new by the way, 20 years ago, his mom declared to his new bride on their wedding day, that she wasn’t to take her son away from her, he spent 10 years stuck between his wife and mother, in the end the wife had enough and found another man and lived happily ever after.

Oh this is the evil ex wife, the one I was told all about, the one who took him away from his family, the psycho ex 😂 yeah I guess we know never to believe one side of a sort.

This is just history repeating itself.

Oh and I’m not a new partner, 11.5 years I’ve put up with this for!

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 27/12/2022 15:01

Can you move?

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 15:03

toomuchlaundry · 27/12/2022 14:53

Sorry about your dad’s diagnosis. When things are calmer I would be having words with your DH about his mum’s dependency on him

I’ve tried talking to him. He cannot see my point. He asks for examples and I don’t even know how to explain it.
His defence is “you see your mom more than I do mine” yes but that’s my choice, my mom doesn’t message to make sure I’m going, she doesn’t ask to see me alone, she doesn’t ask for mother and daughter chats. I mean what is a “mother and son chat” ??

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 15:04

toomuchlaundry · 27/12/2022 15:01

Can you move?

Recently moved, we were 5 mins away. Didn’t go far enough did we.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 27/12/2022 15:09

Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 14:15

I’m tempted to text her asking her to respect my wishes, but last time I tried to put boundaries in she stopped speaking to me for 8 weeks.

You say that like it’s a bad thing?

StickyCricket · 27/12/2022 15:11

If she’s only 10 minutes away and he’s “popped” round to collect a card from the porch, he should be back by now.

If he’s not home in the next few minutes I’d be texting him to stay there for a fortnight as he’s clearly gone into the house.

Long term, we’ll it’s the age old “you’ve got a DP problem”.

HermioneWeasley · 27/12/2022 15:12

I have zero Covid anxiety but if your dad gets it he could be seriously ill or die. That’s the reality of what your MIL is asking for and your “d”H is enabling. I’d be fucking livid with them both

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 15:13

He’s back, 25 minutes in total, so doesn’t look like he hung around as he also stopped for a loaf.

Selfish bastards, the pair of them. Agree I have a DP problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 15:16

I am livid with them both.

But WTF do I do? Today is a big birthday. Am I a cunt to ruin it by pushing this?!

OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 27/12/2022 15:22

Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 15:16

I am livid with them both.

But WTF do I do? Today is a big birthday. Am I a cunt to ruin it by pushing this?!

No, you are not a cunt. You are a perfectly sensible reasonable person, whose sensible limited boundaries are being eroded for what? So your MIL can feel validated for all of 5 minutes?

There is no filling an empty hole.

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 15:25

So what do I do? Kick him out for not respecting my wishes. Oh she’d love that. She’d want nothing more than to have him back in her spare room.

We’ve literally just taken out a mortgage too!

I’m so pissed off, but feel helpless with it. I’ve said my piece, what else do I do?

OP posts:
Mostmarriedcouple · 27/12/2022 15:25

Your MIL sounds absolutely dreadful. The one on one time with DP is horrible too…..tbh id be so mad if my husband agreed to this. Honestly I would just want total no contact with this weird woman. But that’s just me, I have a very low MIL tolerance

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 15:29

@Mostmarriedcouple I have no intention of spending time with her anymore. They usually pop here one night a week, well guess who just signed up for spin class on Thursdays?!

OP posts:
Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 15:34

I commend you for putting up with this for so long. If your DP doesn't see your point, maybe he should pack off to his mums and live with her. His mum will love it but I assure you he will end up truly resenting her for not letting him have a life.
This is something that has happened in my family with distant relatives and very smothering mothers. Its part of my culture that the mothers are extremely smothering with their sons (thankfully mine isn't like this).
One interfered so much that the son ended up on his deathbed telling his mother that she broke up the relationship with the love of his life and he ended up with someone horrible after that and hated his life. He truly on his deathbed told his mum he'd never forgive her. You can't make this stuff up!

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 15:38

The problem I have is that DP claims to know what she’s like, he is adamant he doesn’t encourage her, and to the untrained eye he doesn’t.

But he enables her behaviour, she should’ve been told no this morning, no excuses, just no. She knows my father well and has done for 11 years. She claims to care for him and be concerned, yet she’s willing to risk his life for a 5 minute view of her 50 year old child!!!

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/12/2022 15:44

Your DH has been conditioned since childhood to meet his mums emotional needs. This is a form of parental abuse known as emotional or covert incest.

www.choosingtherapy.com/emotional-incest/

It is extremely difficult to overcome and if the adult child doesn't recognise or acknowledge the unhealthiness of the relationship (which is difficult because it's what they've been raised to think is normal) then there's very little you can do aside from putting in your own boundaries and holding them firm (as you have today.)

miltonj · 27/12/2022 15:52

Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 14:15

I’m tempted to text her asking her to respect my wishes, but last time I tried to put boundaries in she stopped speaking to me for 8 weeks.

Would that be so bad?

Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 15:52

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation definitely emotional incest, I’ve looked into this before.

His parents separated when he was 3, he was never allowed to have fun with his father, wasn’t allowed to call him dad in front of his mom, had to use his name, was questioned constantly after weekends with his dad, was made to feel guilty for wanting a relationship with his dad. Even when he passed away a few years ago, his mom was awful and couldn’t understand why he was grieving. He has continued a relationship with his step mom as he’s known her for 45 years, but he has to hide it, we lie about where we are when we visit her for the weekend. It’s so so so ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 15:53

miltonj · 27/12/2022 15:52

Would that be so bad?

Show quote history

It would be heaven. But would make things hard for DP.

OP posts:
upfucked · 27/12/2022 16:01

Itsvalentino · 27/12/2022 14:40

He’s popped round now, she’s only 10 mins down the road. His argument is we could pick it up anywhere (not likely as I’m not mixing, and haven’t been anywhere other than my moms) and also he promises to not go near her.

Where do we stand with it being picked up from cards/presents etc? Do I need to quarantine the gifts?

He thinks he’s in between a rock and a hard place, but I’m trying to be neither. I accept and allow their weird relationship as it doesn’t really have an impact on my life, but this decision does, and as far as I’m concerned it’s his mother he should be cross with but I’ll be the bad guy as per!!

Currently research suggests yes.

monsteronahill · 27/12/2022 17:01

@Itsvalentino

Make things hard for your DP. You say he's enabling MIL, you're enabling him a bit in my eyes by not being firm or making things difficult. Just putting up with her to make his life easier is enabling him to ignore the huge issue, which is her behaviour.

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