Is this normal to still be trying to process this?

[Hedgehog93]

Please be kind and sorry for the rambling post. I am fully aware that I am a broken record, but I feel so desperately lost and still finding things a struggle. I can’t get closure. I’m like a dog with a bone, but at times I wonder how I’m still going - although I feel like I’ve just simply existed in the last 4 months. Can’t quite believe this is how my life is and has turned out.

I am 38 weeks pregnant. Due for a C section in around 10 days. First baby. I have had a previous thread on here about 4 months ago when my then partner had kicked me out of the apartment I lived in with him abruptly and cruely in August. We had been together about 18 months, came back off what I thought a nice holiday in the April discovered I was pregnant. He was on board with the pregnancy it wasn’t unplanned. He came to all the scans and appointments, his family excited. He was nagging me to buy things and write lists. Always looking things up online etc when I had certain symptoms as this was a first for us both. I was quite shocked with the pregnancy and quite unwell and hormonal for the first trimester often going to bed at 8pm but I thought things were pretty normal. Normal arguments and life’s stresses etc. We still did things together days out dinners etc I thought on the whole we were OK.

We did our gender reveal JUST 4 days prior to my life blowing up. popping confetti cannons at each other’s parents discussing baby names all together. Celebrating. Went out for a lunch together opening the envelope to reveal the gender. This was days prior!!!

I was off work unwell the “day of” as I really struggled in the first trimester with headaches where I would lose vision and insomnia. I had severe anaemia. I was also really worried with the pregnancy, it was so precious and unexpected. I confinded in him how anxious I was feeling and worried I would lose the baby he seemed quite supportive in my opinion. He had his ways for sure, he had never been married or lived with a gf properly at the age of 47. Quite funny about money. Quoting how much a baby would cost in the first year and how it would all fall on him as I was on minimum wage and after I paid him rent and shopping money I didn’t have a lot left. He also was a stickler for going halves on everything, trips, dinners, drinks.

After a nothing argument over his birthday plans and about a girl I was uncomfortable with he lost his head and told me to F off screaming down the phone and told me I needed to get out there and then. I was in bed at the time. He originally rang to check how I was as knew I was unwell!! We were discussing mundane things like dinner etc! I had actually called back to ask him to borrow a bloody kindle and then we ended up in an argument this is how hasty and crazy it was and why I’ve never been able to process it. It wasn’t a normal breakup. It wasn’t normal behaviour. Within an hour him his Mum and sister had pretty much frogmarched me out of the apartment and bin bagged all of my stuff and dumped it off at my parents. I was distraught. So stressed confused shocked and unwell. I wasn’t allowed to pack my own stuff which I thought was so awful. He knew my parents were on holiday also, I tried to call desperately the next day to ask for help as I was so unwell and really panicking and in a very bad way emotionally. I was texting apologising like a moron. I guess I was desperate. He ignored me and said he will speak when ready. I couldn’t understand. It was a disagreement not even in person about a night out… I wasn’t caught in bed with another man that’s what the reaction felt like! I Was also pregnant tearful and sleep deprived which he knew full well.

He did have a habit of losing it to extremes over nothing. A month of so prior he smashed the windscreen of his car whilst we were driving over a nothing argument again literally about me rushing him in a restaurant something that trivial I can’t even remember! He cried and apologised and I forgave him! I knew pregnancy was a high stress situation and we were both probably still trying to get our heads around it. The 0-100s were fairly common to be fair. He always got people involved when we had arguments which at 32 (me) and 46 (him) I found bizarre. For instance he drove to my parents house one evening to bitch about me and another time rang his mum unbeknownst to me half way through an argument so she could listen! I found it very strange. It’s like he wanted a team against me instead of sorting things out like a normal adult couple.

We did commonly argue however about one of his female friends who I just was not comfortable with. I had met every single one of his friends but never her? Apparently his “best friend” who he had been with through thick and thin!! He lived with her for 7 years, went on holidays together which I would deam couple like Carribean etc just the two of them in same rooms etc. Apparently never a couple yet she did tell people they were together and there was some confusion there. I also saw past posts on SM of her gushing about how much she loves him. They Had sex a handful of times apparently according to him so they were intimate and sounded like a couple to me.

He went to the cinema and dinner on his own with her when I was newly pregnant. I was not invited as apparently she was in a “bad place” and depressed. This didn’t sit well with me he knew I felt extremely uncomfortable but I wouldn’t stop someone going. He had a lot of female friends, liked a lot of girls pictures online I wasn’t used to this. He had another female friend who would often come round to watch box sets when I wasn’t there early in the relationship. I asked what the problem was in which he responded nothing to do with me which I found hard given I was carrying his baby. Another time I saw her name pop up on what’s app and I asked what they were talking about he said he “couldn’t remember”. This obviously didn’t go down particularly well being pregnant and hormonal. Now looking back I think there was probably more to it although they were in each other’s lives for 10 plus years so surely it would have happened prior to that. As soon as I said I wouldn’t go out on his birthday piss up as I was unwell and didn’t want to travel back alone he then said he would invite said girl. I said I was hurt that he didn’t discuss us doing something for his birthday as things were different this year compared to our usual pub crawls.

However I never expected this. Not when I’m carrying his child. When he finally did message I said I just couldn’t talk to him as I couldn’t have anymore stress as I was just so angry and upset. He then left it 4 weeks to try again - knowing I had the 20 week scan in that time I thought he would have called and checked then. When he did finally message saying “he though he better check how things are and how I’m coping” and after my parents reaction when I told them when they returned off holiday I was that angry and disgusted I said I want nothing to do with him basically and blocked him and said I don’t want him on the birth certificate or around the baby as he clearly isn’t stable if he can do that to me when pregnant. I had to do this for my own sanity. My parents were furious and said they want nothing ever to do with him. They were extremely upset.

This was the start of September. He has never ever tried to contact me again since. I naively thought he would try and call or contact me or my parents to check on the baby. He never has once. I’m days away from giving birth to his baby I feel so alone and deeply hurt someone can give that little shit about me. He’s 46 years old. I just expected some humanity. I mean anything could have happened in 4 months! We don’t have mutual friends and I’ve come off SM how does he know I’m still pregnant as awful as that sounds. I just thought he would care about the baby. Maybe try and offer help fund the baby. Check I’m ok to be living at my parents (I am of course and they are hugely supportive) they’ve helped support me and bought a lot of the baby’s things. I’m on minimum wage for the NHS. Regardless of me and him I just can’t get how he hasn’t tried to check. It looks clearly like he will never bother either. I just have to treat him like a sperm donor. I hate it as friends and colleagues constantly say “have you heard off him?” Then looked shocked and awkward when I say no.

I’ve had counselling privately as I just have struggled so much processing how he could have literally blown our whole life up over something so trivial, I mean most people piss off after the baby and try not to stress pregnant partners out this much? How his 70 year old mum and sister could do that to me also? How I actually never actually had a conversation with him this whole time like a normal breakup. No closure. No compassion. Just in no way normal. I’m not crying daily anymore so a slight improvement but I have no closure or understanding.

I’m with my parents and brother who are amazing. I have hugely disrupted there lives now, they didn’t expect to be helping raise a child near retirement. They will also be helping fund the baby and take time off work to help me recover. I feel guilty to them and a failure to them - again. I’ve had a habit of picking bad men and they have helped pick up the pieces before. I feel like a never ending failure. He has just expected them to pick up the pieces so I’m angry he’s exploited them in my opinion.

I just can’t believe he has never tried to call to check on the baby, check I’m still alive, fight for his baby. I can’t process this. Please help? How do I accept this? A man who was on board who I thought on the whole we had a normal ish relationship and certainly wasn’t worth destroying a family unit! I need to sort this asap before the baby is here. I never expected to be a single Mum so that’s hard. My pregnant has been ruined how can I ever accept that and I’m so scared the stress would have affected the baby. Had I thought he would do this I never would have got myself in this situation. I know I won’t get closure and I know I did block him - justified given how he behaved but still if he really wanted to he could reach out. I would bet any money he is onto the next girl and out every weekend without a care in the world. This hurts. Whilst I have had to pick up the pieces and try my hardest to get everything prepared for the baby whilst being a very bad place where I’ve had to make myself get out of bed. It feels so unfair. I’m so hurt and feel like I’m being punished for something. I’m never going to contact him I don’t think it’s my place plus I know it would just cause me more upset and stress. I just in short am
still in shock. I don’t think I’m going to bother claiming CMS. Despite him making me pay half on every single thing dinners, taxis etc and earning at least double. Please be kind xx

I'm sorry op. This all sounds very stressful. Definitely apply for maintenance from him.

But ultimately having read everything I don't think this relationship was ever going to work. It sounds like in the short 18 months you were together you argued a hell of a lot. It sounds like a toxic situation, you shouldn't be arguing so much that early on in a relationship.

The best thing you can do is move on, and build a life for yourself without him in it.

This is so sad. You must be feeling so vulnerable.
The positives- your family. And the fact that you can start your life with this baby without him from the beginning (rather than trying to disentangle yourself later). Begin to think about what support you can get. Can any family help? Tell your midwife and HV what’s happening, they can offer you extra support. You might get a pre birth visit but I know due to covid some areas phased them out. Ring them anyway. Also your local children’s centre, they can invite you to baby groups but also have some support workers.

Stress for the baby- I went through a very stressful thing in my 2nd pregnancy- he’s fine. Hold your bump a lot.
Get a Natal Hypnotherapy download- I like Maggie Howell. Listen once a day to help relax- (as well as helping the birth)

Maintenance- just claim it. It’s for your baby.

Have the baby, give it your surname amd register by yourself. Then apply for child maintenance. This was a planned child, he knew exactly what he was getting in to. Please please do not get back with him if he calls you. No child should grow up with a father acting that way towards their mother.

So sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like hecwpuld have been a nightmare as a partner with a child - 0 to 100 when things aren't just how he wants them?

Acting that way in his 40s?

Honestly sounds like you're better off without him, he's not capable of being a mature, decent partner and parent.

He expected you to pay rent to him while you're raising his kid?! That's not at all normal.

Sometimes, lack of communication IS communication. THAT is your closure. He's too self-centred / too much of a coward / too keen to avoid paying for his own kid/ too ridiculously immature to contact you, even when you're days away from giving birth.

Don't rule out Child Maintenance, find out what your options are.

And find out the implications are legally, of putting / not putting him on the birth certificate. Start on that asap.

Good luck 🌸

Absolutely do not put him on the birth certificate. Get child maintenance sorted. What a creep

You've repeatedly mentioned "closure". There is no such thing. There is no magical conversation you could have had or way for the relationship to end where it would have felt ok or where you wouldn't have had questions and pain and regret. You are just going to hurt yourself chasing after a fictional concept of closure.

That aside, he was violent and abusive. Normal people do not smash car windscreens for any reason, much less "pregnancy stress". Even without the abusive hallmarks, it's not realistic to expect someone who has ended a relationship to be making contact with you to check on you as if you still had some form of relationship - I know that's painful but hoping for something that won't happen will make it more painful as it keeps you stuck in a loop of hope and disappointment.

Please stop calling yourself names and giving yourself a hard time. It won't help and it has the same impact on your nervous system as if another person was doing it. You asked us for kindness because you clearly recognise how powerful it is, well you need to be showing yourself kindness first - your nervous system will respond the same way to self-kindness as kindness from others.

I don’t know whether to claim child maintenance as I don’t want his dirty money in some ways and I bet he will only bother trying to get contact if he is made to pay which doesn’t sit well with me. Because he is so particular about money I don’t want this being his ammunition. I would put money he would go back to his self employed job also. I feel like he should pay but at Same time I think he’s just waiting on that now. My parents have pleaded with me not to apply as they want me to have zero association and said they will finance where needed as they have the money. It’s a hard one.

Sometimes we say 'You dodged a bullet!'
By heck, you've dodged a bullet here.
Stop. Stop thinking the way you do. Shut it down every time it happens.
Fair or unfair - doesn't matter. This is how it is.
Accept that he's a really unpleasant man and you're better off without him.
Don't put him on the birth certificate. Do go for child support through the normal channels.

@Hedgehog93 trust your instincts then. If your parents will help you I would leave it for now. Not if it will leave you struggling though. You can always change to it mind later on. I can totally understand the desire to have zero ties.

@tickticksnooze I understand that and have acknowledged I won’t get closure. I am carrying his child and am pregnant so it’s not quite the same as a normal breakup. If I wasn’t pregnant I certainly wouldn’t be giving him any room mentally that’s for sure! But it’s not about me or him, there’s an innocent baby involved and it’s hard to process someone would treat a pregnant person that way.

I am sorry you have been treated like this, but Thank God he is not in your life or your babies life now

It's rough you and the unborn baby have been treated so badly but he sounds like an abusive loser who deserves to die alone (sorry if that's a bit strong!) and you are lucky to have your family supporting you and soon a baby to live and care for.
Forget him, he sounds like he's got a screw loose....don't waste your energy trying to understand him, some people are just shit heads.

I’m really sorry to hear how you’ve been treated by your ex. I know you say you don’t think it’s really your place to contact him, but ultimately if you want/need answers from him it’s looking like you’re going to have to be the one to reach out. However, as you’ve stated yourself you’ve been hormonal and stressed and maybe that is causing you to fixate on this breakup more so than you might normally (and that’s totally understandable) but perhaps once baby arrives and things settle, you might realise that he’s not worth a second thought. It’s impossible to know just yet, but just take it a day at a time and lean on your family for support in the meantime (they clearly love you very much and don’t think of you as a failure). The circumstances of your breakup do sound bizarre and your ex clearly has some problem with emotional regulation (among other things) - for a 47 year old man he seems to act like a teenager based on some of the things you’ve written - and honestly I think in the long run you and your baby will be better off without that kind of drama in your lives.

Above all else, be kind to yourself. You didn’t deserve any ill treatment, and I’m wishing you lots of love and luck with the birth.

Hi op. I remember your post from a while back about this situation.

Like others have said, I don’t think you will get closure and that is not because he is not in contact, I think it’s just the nature of the situation you are in.

yes, absolutely normal to still be processing. It’s a little like waking up from a nightmare only this time you are still in it.

I think it’s completely reasonable for you to wonder why he hasn’t been in touch - you rightly say you are carrying his baby but let this remind if your resolve falters in future. That he was not there.

his silence says it all. You are better off without him. Please update us from time to time, you will be on my mind especially as your due date comes closer.

thank you I will keep you posted. It does feel like a nightmare and I still wake up daily in disbelief this is how things are for me. I naively thought I would be ok by now 4 months later and so disappointed I’m not. It’s hard to accept someone caring so little. But I guess he has really shown his true colours. Men can just walk away from there responsibilities. If the woman did that they would be a monster. The injustice of it all annoys me. X

He smashed a windscreen while the car was in motion ? Can you imagine him doing this with your baby in the car?
He has a vile, explosive temper, you have indeed dodged a bullet.
For now concentrate on yourself and your baby. You have plenty of time to decide on child support later on. As pp have said, register the baby with your surname only, do not include him. Plan your birth partner, what you want for the labour et .. look after you. And I think you’ve seen the reason why he was still single in his 40s.

What a b*stard and what a lucky escape you have had from this truly callous, manipulative controlling man. You have done amazingly well over the last four months.

I understand how you feel and how hurt you must be....but please just believe in yourself OP. Concentrate on yourself and the birth of your baby. How lucky you are to have such supportive parents. Do you have a birthing partner sorted? Go into labour in a strong and determined way, being positive and never look back. This baby and making a new life for you both is the way to put the last 9mths behind you.

Sadly there are some real shits out there and one day you will realise how lucky you were to dodge a bullet. Respect to you OP for blocking him and moving on.

I haven’t managed to read the whole thing but I got far enough to know that it is absolutely normal you haven’t processed this yet. Give yourself time, focus on your baby and don’t expect to understand because I honestly don’t think you could.

Im really sorry you are dealing with this at such a time too. Life will
improve.

@pumpkinsareshortlived @RJnomore1 thank you your responses make me feel better. Coming on here to gain perspective does help. I’ve not had a counselling session due to holidays for a few weeks so I feel I need a vent/outlet sometimes as I don’t want to keep dragging my parents down hearing about it. They’ve had enough of the same story on repeat and me constantly asking why. However they do say “you know he was a dickhead so what do you expect” well definitely not this. I probably do need to give myself credit at how I’ve dealt with things. I think knowing what he is like the fact I have blocked him and not chased him he probably expected me to go crawling back as it was as my counsellor says a power thing with him. I do have self respect and already feel fiercely protective of baby. He didn’t just kick me out in such a cruel way, he did it to his baby as well and caused dangerous levels of stress. I just would pay any money in the world to erase him from my mind. How am I going to explain this to my child. I feel so sad going to appointments and seeing all the couples 😢 luckily my mum will be there as birth partner and will take time off work to help me as I’m having a c section. I feel guilty I’m intruding so much on there lives. X

My daughter chose when 6mths pregnant to go it alone after realising her partner was not for her. I felt honoured to be her birthing partner through a difficult 3 day labour. It is at these times when we feel at our most vulnerable it is essential to have the care of those that love and have our interests as paramount. Enjoy your parent's help.😊

Very often in life we don't get the closure we need from others and this is something you need to accept and put well down your list of priorities now. He is not worth another minute of your time, his piss poor behaviour is all on him.

Please let us know how you are OP and best of luck for this new and exciting chapter of life you are about enter. Wishing you all the best x

I don’t know if this will help at all but if you were my daughter I’d be more than happy to come to your appointments and be there for you and I’d be even happier you weren’t with someone who treated you like that.

Dont worry about what you tell the baby now, that’s a long way away. You have so many happy times with them to come before you need to think about that.

I'm trying to imagine the amount of rage one must have to break a car's fucking windscreen!
OP: believe all the posters on here who are telling you that you have dodged a bullet with this charmer.

OP, you are one brave lady, you've been through so much and you're not only still standing, you're nurturing a growing baby.

Try if you can, to look to the future.

Your LO is a gift and with your family's support you know you can do this.

I know it's easier said than done, but please try to accept that you will never understand this man, you'll never understand his motivations or reasons but one thing's for sure, to move on you do NOT need to know or understand.

I remember your original post (I can't remember if I commented or not) but my advice is to give yourself closure, he cannot and will not be able to do this for you.

Even supposing he spoke now, would you believe a word he said?

Would you even care to hear his lies and pathetic excuses.

There is nothing on this earth that will take away the devastation that he has caused you and the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to stop all the questions, all the why, why, why, you will never ever know why.

All you need to know is that this is who he is, and he's a shit person that you and LO are better off without.

Wishing you all the best for the birth and for your future, I hope you can find peace and give yourself closure x

@CrystalCoco thanks for your post and kind words. You are sooo right. I mean I would have absolutely no idea what to say to him now and you’re right nothing he can say can undo the pain and horror of the last 4 months. Plus I wouldn’t be able to say eke thing without the words “c*” and “go die” which I’m sure would only be used against me! I’m just going to really struggle if he has the audacity to pop up in January demanding access - good luck! I wouldn’t hand my baby over to someone like him. I’ve already seen a solicitor and got one lined up if needs be. I’ve got the prize at the end of the day I need to keep reminding myself of that. Even though it’s years off I don’t see how I will ever trust a man again. X

Having a very hormonal/sad wobbly day today. Almost reached out to him but I wouldn’t know what to say. Plus I just can’t do that to myself.