Please be kind and sorry for the rambling post. I am fully aware that I am a broken record, but I feel so desperately lost and still finding things a struggle. I can’t get closure. I’m like a dog with a bone, but at times I wonder how I’m still going - although I feel like I’ve just simply existed in the last 4 months. Can’t quite believe this is how my life is and has turned out.
I am 38 weeks pregnant. Due for a C section in around 10 days. First baby. I have had a previous thread on here about 4 months ago when my then partner had kicked me out of the apartment I lived in with him abruptly and cruely in August. We had been together about 18 months, came back off what I thought a nice holiday in the April discovered I was pregnant. He was on board with the pregnancy it wasn’t unplanned. He came to all the scans and appointments, his family excited. He was nagging me to buy things and write lists. Always looking things up online etc when I had certain symptoms as this was a first for us both. I was quite shocked with the pregnancy and quite unwell and hormonal for the first trimester often going to bed at 8pm but I thought things were pretty normal. Normal arguments and life’s stresses etc. We still did things together days out dinners etc I thought on the whole we were OK.
We did our gender reveal JUST 4 days prior to my life blowing up. popping confetti cannons at each other’s parents discussing baby names all together. Celebrating. Went out for a lunch together opening the envelope to reveal the gender. This was days prior!!!
I was off work unwell the “day of” as I really struggled in the first trimester with headaches where I would lose vision and insomnia. I had severe anaemia. I was also really worried with the pregnancy, it was so precious and unexpected. I confinded in him how anxious I was feeling and worried I would lose the baby he seemed quite supportive in my opinion. He had his ways for sure, he had never been married or lived with a gf properly at the age of 47. Quite funny about money. Quoting how much a baby would cost in the first year and how it would all fall on him as I was on minimum wage and after I paid him rent and shopping money I didn’t have a lot left. He also was a stickler for going halves on everything, trips, dinners, drinks.
After a nothing argument over his birthday plans and about a girl I was uncomfortable with he lost his head and told me to F off screaming down the phone and told me I needed to get out there and then. I was in bed at the time. He originally rang to check how I was as knew I was unwell!! We were discussing mundane things like dinner etc! I had actually called back to ask him to borrow a bloody kindle and then we ended up in an argument this is how hasty and crazy it was and why I’ve never been able to process it. It wasn’t a normal breakup. It wasn’t normal behaviour. Within an hour him his Mum and sister had pretty much frogmarched me out of the apartment and bin bagged all of my stuff and dumped it off at my parents. I was distraught. So stressed confused shocked and unwell. I wasn’t allowed to pack my own stuff which I thought was so awful. He knew my parents were on holiday also, I tried to call desperately the next day to ask for help as I was so unwell and really panicking and in a very bad way emotionally. I was texting apologising like a moron. I guess I was desperate. He ignored me and said he will speak when ready. I couldn’t understand. It was a disagreement not even in person about a night out… I wasn’t caught in bed with another man that’s what the reaction felt like! I Was also pregnant tearful and sleep deprived which he knew full well.
He did have a habit of losing it to extremes over nothing. A month of so prior he smashed the windscreen of his car whilst we were driving over a nothing argument again literally about me rushing him in a restaurant something that trivial I can’t even remember! He cried and apologised and I forgave him! I knew pregnancy was a high stress situation and we were both probably still trying to get our heads around it. The 0-100s were fairly common to be fair. He always got people involved when we had arguments which at 32 (me) and 46 (him) I found bizarre. For instance he drove to my parents house one evening to bitch about me and another time rang his mum unbeknownst to me half way through an argument so she could listen! I found it very strange. It’s like he wanted a team against me instead of sorting things out like a normal adult couple.
We did commonly argue however about one of his female friends who I just was not comfortable with. I had met every single one of his friends but never her? Apparently his “best friend” who he had been with through thick and thin!! He lived with her for 7 years, went on holidays together which I would deam couple like Carribean etc just the two of them in same rooms etc. Apparently never a couple yet she did tell people they were together and there was some confusion there. I also saw past posts on SM of her gushing about how much she loves him. They Had sex a handful of times apparently according to him so they were intimate and sounded like a couple to me.
He went to the cinema and dinner on his own with her when I was newly pregnant. I was not invited as apparently she was in a “bad place” and depressed. This didn’t sit well with me he knew I felt extremely uncomfortable but I wouldn’t stop someone going. He had a lot of female friends, liked a lot of girls pictures online I wasn’t used to this. He had another female friend who would often come round to watch box sets when I wasn’t there early in the relationship. I asked what the problem was in which he responded nothing to do with me which I found hard given I was carrying his baby. Another time I saw her name pop up on what’s app and I asked what they were talking about he said he “couldn’t remember”. This obviously didn’t go down particularly well being pregnant and hormonal. Now looking back I think there was probably more to it although they were in each other’s lives for 10 plus years so surely it would have happened prior to that. As soon as I said I wouldn’t go out on his birthday piss up as I was unwell and didn’t want to travel back alone he then said he would invite said girl. I said I was hurt that he didn’t discuss us doing something for his birthday as things were different this year compared to our usual pub crawls.
However I never expected this. Not when I’m carrying his child. When he finally did message I said I just couldn’t talk to him as I couldn’t have anymore stress as I was just so angry and upset. He then left it 4 weeks to try again - knowing I had the 20 week scan in that time I thought he would have called and checked then. When he did finally message saying “he though he better check how things are and how I’m coping” and after my parents reaction when I told them when they returned off holiday I was that angry and disgusted I said I want nothing to do with him basically and blocked him and said I don’t want him on the birth certificate or around the baby as he clearly isn’t stable if he can do that to me when pregnant. I had to do this for my own sanity. My parents were furious and said they want nothing ever to do with him. They were extremely upset.
This was the start of September. He has never ever tried to contact me again since. I naively thought he would try and call or contact me or my parents to check on the baby. He never has once. I’m days away from giving birth to his baby I feel so alone and deeply hurt someone can give that little shit about me. He’s 46 years old. I just expected some humanity. I mean anything could have happened in 4 months! We don’t have mutual friends and I’ve come off SM how does he know I’m still pregnant as awful as that sounds. I just thought he would care about the baby. Maybe try and offer help fund the baby. Check I’m ok to be living at my parents (I am of course and they are hugely supportive) they’ve helped support me and bought a lot of the baby’s things. I’m on minimum wage for the NHS. Regardless of me and him I just can’t get how he hasn’t tried to check. It looks clearly like he will never bother either. I just have to treat him like a sperm donor. I hate it as friends and colleagues constantly say “have you heard off him?” Then looked shocked and awkward when I say no.
I’ve had counselling privately as I just have struggled so much processing how he could have literally blown our whole life up over something so trivial, I mean most people piss off after the baby and try not to stress pregnant partners out this much? How his 70 year old mum and sister could do that to me also? How I actually never actually had a conversation with him this whole time like a normal breakup. No closure. No compassion. Just in no way normal. I’m not crying daily anymore so a slight improvement but I have no closure or understanding.
I’m with my parents and brother who are amazing. I have hugely disrupted there lives now, they didn’t expect to be helping raise a child near retirement. They will also be helping fund the baby and take time off work to help me recover. I feel guilty to them and a failure to them - again. I’ve had a habit of picking bad men and they have helped pick up the pieces before. I feel like a never ending failure. He has just expected them to pick up the pieces so I’m angry he’s exploited them in my opinion.
I just can’t believe he has never tried to call to check on the baby, check I’m still alive, fight for his baby. I can’t process this. Please help? How do I accept this? A man who was on board who I thought on the whole we had a normal ish relationship and certainly wasn’t worth destroying a family unit! I need to sort this asap before the baby is here. I never expected to be a single Mum so that’s hard. My pregnant has been ruined how can I ever accept that and I’m so scared the stress would have affected the baby. Had I thought he would do this I never would have got myself in this situation. I know I won’t get closure and I know I did block him - justified given how he behaved but still if he really wanted to he could reach out. I would bet any money he is onto the next girl and out every weekend without a care in the world. This hurts. Whilst I have had to pick up the pieces and try my hardest to get everything prepared for the baby whilst being a very bad place where I’ve had to make myself get out of bed. It feels so unfair. I’m so hurt and feel like I’m being punished for something. I’m never going to contact him I don’t think it’s my place plus I know it would just cause me more upset and stress. I just in short am
still in shock. I don’t think I’m going to bother claiming CMS. Despite him making me pay half on every single thing dinners, taxis etc and earning at least double. Please be kind xx