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Original poster

Grown indifferent to my Dh

31 replies

tiv2020 · 26/12/2022 18:00

Basically since the birth of our dd (now 2) I have become indifferent to my H, thats to say I find myself really not caring about him at all. I dont want to spend time with him and feel much better when I am not around him.
During the pregnancy he let me sort out all the practicalities (repurposing room, buying furniture, pram, all clothes etc). He expressed unease as to where we would sit dd at table as he did not want to change where he sat (....) and said he did not want to move house (in fact we are still there, to my chagrin. He ignored me when i raised the topic). Said his job would be to play with the baby. Once dd was born (c section) i breastfed, sorted all the gear etc. But its like a switch turned off in my mind - i am doing all the thinking and most of the doing re dd, and honestly cant be bothered thinking about his needs or feelings at all.
I have always been the one initiating cuddles, hugs, being affectionate, asking him about his day, his work etc. All this stopped almost stone cold 2 years ago and he has made NO move whatsoever to address this, not even mentioned it. Recently i told him i was seeing a therapist and he said "he always has been at my disposal" "he watched me playing the martyr with our dd" and "hes always done his choices to benefit me". Found it funny at first, tbh i am more pissed off than amused on second thought. He has to all effects buuried his head under the sand for 2 years, watched me take on a huge load between work and house and dd, barely lifted a finger, and as for the choices hes supposed to have made, i cant think of anything. Hes something like a remote control which has been lying around waiting for me to pick it up again.
He has been more help around the house since that conversation but on the other hand i feel completely disconnected from him on an emotional level.
Anyone can relate ? have skimmed through what feels like a thousand old threads to see if I could find someone else going through this, but most OPs who eant to leave their husbands go on and on about how they still love them, or respect them, or are getting abused and thats another thing entirely.

OP posts:
HobgoblinUK · 26/12/2022 18:11

Sounds like a weirdo.

LTB and leave him to spend the rest of his days as a desperate creepy incel sending dick pics on dating apps

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/12/2022 18:24

Did you ask him what he meant about the martyr comment?

Dollythesheepagain · 26/12/2022 18:26

It sounds like you do everything & he’s not adding much to your life. Not sure what your financial situation is link but maybe your relationship has run it’s course.

I don’t have advice but I’m curious… what did your relationship start like?

Dollythesheepagain · 26/12/2022 18:27

*like!

Wish we had an edit button!!!

crochetandacuppa · 26/12/2022 18:45

Sounds as though you could benefit from couples counselling - seems like a major communication breakdown. I suppose it depends on whether you want the relationship to improve or whether you’d
prefer to end it.

RandomMess · 26/12/2022 19:55

Did he actively want children?

brews · 26/12/2022 20:10

Could he possibly be on the spectrum OP? A few red flags regarding his worries about changes and indifference to the change in affection.

IfIHadAHeart · 26/12/2022 20:13

Are you being a martyr when it comes to your DC?

IfIHadAHeart · 26/12/2022 20:17

What I mean by that is, if we were to hear your DHs side would he say that you don’t let him do anything?

Have you spoken to him about what it is you’d like him to do to help take the load off you? Yes, in an ideal world he’d just help without needing to be told but often life isn’t like that.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/12/2022 20:20

brews · 26/12/2022 20:10

Could he possibly be on the spectrum OP? A few red flags regarding his worries about changes and indifference to the change in affection.

My immediate thought and also his very formal way of expressing himself.
Are you both together long?
Did you try to involve him in setting up things for the baby?

FictionalCharacter · 26/12/2022 20:24

“He expressed unease as to where we would sit dd at table as he did not want to change where he sat”
That’s very, very strange.
I’m afraid it sounds like he didn’t really want a child, or if he did, he doesn’t like the reality of it. I’m not surprised that all your feelings for him have evaporated.

Original poster
tiv2020 · 26/12/2022 20:44

@Dollythesheepagain the start of our relationship is almost ancient history. Been together 20+ years. I've known his down sides (indifferent to running of the house, indifferent to finances, does not ever change the way he does things, cant be bothered even going on holiday) but that did not matter much to me when I could more or less easily shoulder all the house related stuff, have my hobbies and even go on holiday alone when i felt like it. (We went on vacation together for abot 15 years then after 2 fiascos of him tagging along and clearly not wanting to be there throughout 10day holidays i decided i would go without him from then on).

What worked for me in a childfree life is vastly different than with a child.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/12/2022 20:46

Sounds like he has always been a passenger in the relationship.

Was he indifferent to having children?

Indifference is the opposite of love tbh.

Original poster
tiv2020 · 26/12/2022 21:09

@brews and @junebirthdaygirl I honestly dont think he is on the spectrum. Comment re seating is a bit extreme (I found it completely crazy tbh) but generally his not wanting to do anything different is plain lazy imho, not a condition.

I involved him in a minimum fashion (letting him know which furniture i had selected, agreeing on the color scheme) because i find he does not want to expend any energy in researching options, for anything. The first thing he sees is adequate for him and bought, so the task is done and over with and he can go back to playing on the xbox.
I find it frustrating enough having to consult him about the final choice when he's not ever been concerned about any if the work that went in it.
I remember once he commented on how come i knew what foods to give dd when we were weaning her - thats because i had not spent 50hrs playing online but had done my job as a parent to educate myself since neither of us knew sh"t about babies.

OP posts:
purpledalmation · 26/12/2022 21:29

Sounds like a lazy bastard

RandomMess · 26/12/2022 21:31

Sounds like a man child.

All that matters is his computer games!

Original poster
tiv2020 · 26/12/2022 21:32

@IfIHadAHeart you might say I am being a martyr, in that i rate her needs above mine and try to spend as much time with her as possible and plan activities, days out, etc. I also make a (quite big) effort of talking to her in a second language (not my mother tongue, one i learned as an adult) when possible so she can have the benefit of being bilingual (or close to it).

What does he do when he has her (typically sat sun morning)? Honest to god he has taken her to the same playground in our neighborood EVERY single sat sun morning when hes had her. EVERY single one. Except a couple of times I had booked activities for her and he took her, and ONCE he took her to the train station.

OP posts:
JustCheckingItsThem · 26/12/2022 21:39

Seriously just move on. Life will be a lot easier

Original poster
tiv2020 · 26/12/2022 21:53

But anyway what i find strange is that i can date my lack of connection to him since immediately after the birth of our dd. Its true since then, if i look for his faults, i can find many. But i rather think I begun detatching myself from him even before those faults manifested themselves.

I am starting to think something along this line
I knew his very well and i seriously doubted his ability to step up in the way i would have wanted him to
I did all the prep work for the birth and its like i considered myself absolved of any future failing (hey, i did my utter best. I prepared everything in advance).
Then its like i took to criticizing him inside my head for EVERYTHING. And i mean everything, not just the actual failings but even very minor things. And its like i got the confirmation that he did not measure up. And that was about it for me and the end of my investment in the relationship since it was not getting me anything that I felt I needed.

OP posts:
Ticketyboots · 26/12/2022 22:08

You have both been disconnected in this “situationship” for decades.

Its not a collaborative, cooperative or compatible relationship or even friendship before your DC was born.

I suspect it was all your decision to have a DC why would you expect him
to be a collaborative parent if he wasn’t a collaborative partner?

Don’t bother pointing the finger and blaming - don’t bring bitterness to this - just move on for the sake of your DC.

MrsMorrisey · 26/12/2022 22:08

You want him to think like you but he doesn't so you're angry with him.
As your child grows he may become more interested but I reckon most blokes don't know what to do with babies and toddlers.
It doesn't matter that they go to the same playground each Saturday, your toddler won't even notice.
He probably doesn't put input into decorating cos he knows you've already done what you think and in terms of being a martyr, you probably do everything yourself because he won't do it to your standards.
Most marriages have these problems with young kids.

MrsMorrisey · 26/12/2022 22:11

tiv2020 · 26/12/2022 21:53

But anyway what i find strange is that i can date my lack of connection to him since immediately after the birth of our dd. Its true since then, if i look for his faults, i can find many. But i rather think I begun detatching myself from him even before those faults manifested themselves.

I am starting to think something along this line
I knew his very well and i seriously doubted his ability to step up in the way i would have wanted him to
I did all the prep work for the birth and its like i considered myself absolved of any future failing (hey, i did my utter best. I prepared everything in advance).
Then its like i took to criticizing him inside my head for EVERYTHING. And i mean everything, not just the actual failings but even very minor things. And its like i got the confirmation that he did not measure up. And that was about it for me and the end of my investment in the relationship since it was not getting me anything that I felt I needed.

This reads as I've got my baby, now I don't need him interfering.

Original poster
tiv2020 · 26/12/2022 22:12

crochetandacuppa · 26/12/2022 18:45

Sounds as though you could benefit from couples counselling - seems like a major communication breakdown. I suppose it depends on whether you want the relationship to improve or whether you’d
prefer to end it.

Thats definitely it, a major communication breakdown. Couples counselling surely could help about that.
Problem is, i doubt any counselling can help with the fact that I will have to initiate, arrange and drag him through all the changes i would like to implement for the rest of our lives. And if I leave him behind, he stays behind - nothing ever initiated on his own account.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiv2020 · 26/12/2022 22:20

Ticketyboots · 26/12/2022 22:08

You have both been disconnected in this “situationship” for decades.

Its not a collaborative, cooperative or compatible relationship or even friendship before your DC was born.

I suspect it was all your decision to have a DC why would you expect him
to be a collaborative parent if he wasn’t a collaborative partner?

Don’t bother pointing the finger and blaming - don’t bring bitterness to this - just move on for the sake of your DC.

I think its what @Ticketyboots said.

Except, was it all my decision to have Dc? That may come up in counselling if we ever get there, am curious now as to what he would say about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiv2020 · 26/12/2022 22:35

@MrsMorrisey
"This reads as I've got my baby, now I don't need him interfering."

This too. Only its more like "Sh1t I've got a baby!!wtf do i do?? I dont need him interfering while i figure it out".

And this:
"You want him to think like you but he doesn't so you're angry with him."
I used to be angry with him... am I angry now? Yes. But not at the fact that he does not think like me... I am angry cause hes too much of a chicken to address the problem head on, and waits 2 years and then comes out all saintly saying hes not lifted a finger or said anything in 2 years but has been at my disposal. Wtf does it mean?

OP posts: