Grown indifferent to my Dh

[tiv2020]

Basically since the birth of our dd (now 2) I have become indifferent to my H, thats to say I find myself really not caring about him at all. I dont want to spend time with him and feel much better when I am not around him.
During the pregnancy he let me sort out all the practicalities (repurposing room, buying furniture, pram, all clothes etc). He expressed unease as to where we would sit dd at table as he did not want to change where he sat (....) and said he did not want to move house (in fact we are still there, to my chagrin. He ignored me when i raised the topic). Said his job would be to play with the baby. Once dd was born (c section) i breastfed, sorted all the gear etc. But its like a switch turned off in my mind - i am doing all the thinking and most of the doing re dd, and honestly cant be bothered thinking about his needs or feelings at all.
I have always been the one initiating cuddles, hugs, being affectionate, asking him about his day, his work etc. All this stopped almost stone cold 2 years ago and he has made NO move whatsoever to address this, not even mentioned it. Recently i told him i was seeing a therapist and he said "he always has been at my disposal" "he watched me playing the martyr with our dd" and "hes always done his choices to benefit me". Found it funny at first, tbh i am more pissed off than amused on second thought. He has to all effects buuried his head under the sand for 2 years, watched me take on a huge load between work and house and dd, barely lifted a finger, and as for the choices hes supposed to have made, i cant think of anything. Hes something like a remote control which has been lying around waiting for me to pick it up again.
He has been more help around the house since that conversation but on the other hand i feel completely disconnected from him on an emotional level.
Anyone can relate ? have skimmed through what feels like a thousand old threads to see if I could find someone else going through this, but most OPs who eant to leave their husbands go on and on about how they still love them, or respect them, or are getting abused and thats another thing entirely.

I definitely understand feelings of indifference and frustration. My DH isn’t as passive as yours sounds but it’s always me taking the lead on our DD’s x 2 healthcare (one has disabilities), education, diets etc. he would say he does finances, cars, some house stuff. But to me nothing is more important than our DC and that’s what I lead on constantly. I feel like my emotional/ mental capacity is fully spent on kids and I don’t have the energy for our marriage. We argue often about nothing and some big stuff but we also have been through a lot of trauma. It’s a tough one OP but I probably agree with others that you may not get what you want from this relationship. Good luck x

Ask him EXACTLY what decisions he has made for you!
First things first: Did you suffer a traumatic birth/have postnatal depression after?
I breastfed and I found my husband pretty much use this as an excuse not to do anything - to start off with he would like and occasionally sit up with me while I fed her but that was short lived and after a while (a matter of weeks) he didn’t even wake when she cried. She was a particularly hard baby because she would wake up 11 pm until 3 am and I would regularly spend the night sat on the couch downstairs with her screaming just so that he could sleep because he had work the next day. Even when I return to work nothing changed and I was expected to do everything. She is 12 now and I can honestly say he never changed a nappy unless he was alone at home with her he never ever bath her, And in the seven years that she’s been at school, I can count the times on one hand that he said you stay in bed and I’ll take her to school!!… A couple of years ago she was diagnosed with a disorder which meant we had to get up in the night and check her blood levels every couple of hours, even then it was all left to me with me getting up every two hours sometimes more frequently if I levels were borderline.. The only Check he did was the last nighttime one but only because he went to bed after me and the early morning one but only if he was getting up anyway for an early shift, other than that I did them all and still had to get up take her to school if he was off.. I 100% resented him because even on his days off he would have a lie in not get up till 11 even if I have been up all night…
lockdown was interesting - He still worked and when he was on Earleys I would homeschool my daughter all day and try to get everything done before he came home when he was on nights we would do the work after he had left at 6 pm until we went to bed or when he was in bed in the morning sleeping… if he worked the weekend we did work then… Also that when he was home we could go for a family walk altogether because if we were homeschooling when he was home he would pace around the house getting annoyed asking whether we are nearly done!! It was awful!!
I think when you become parents it really does show up which men take to fatherhood and which date. Mine definitely did not and I found myself having to do everything which intern meant he then accused me of neglecting him… Has he done more without a daughter I would have had more time for him but of course he doesn’t see this and rather enjoyed having all the time to himself and us running around on his days off trying to please him, for us at least as our daughter has got older and hasn’t wanted to do the things that he wants to do on his days off I have become more and more piggy in the middle or the referee trying to keep everyone happy at the cost of my own happiness .. approximately a year ago he text me saying that our marriage was over and he no longer loved me (keeping in mind this was only shortly after our daughters diagnosis) I was upset but not to the degree that I should have been, he ended up staying for approximately another year which was really hard because I felt I was walking on eggshells the whole time trying to keep him happy because he had stated that I was the best mother he could wish for our daughter but I was a crap wife!!! Obviously after that I resented him and things got difficult with us both just cohabiting. I couldn’t be bothered at this point to even talk or argue about it because I had so much else going on with our daughter so it was actually a relief when he said I’m going to move out… I think the fact that he moved out and moved six hours drive away to live with a family member he hasn’t seen for 10 years plus didn’t have a job or anything to go to up there shows how involved he is as a father!! In six months he has seen his daughter once!
Believe it or not we are amicable and visitation is our house and he stays at my house and takes her out from there.. I have no ill feeling anymore because I’m glad he left because my daughter and I are actually much happier. I don’t get any respite when my daughter is unwell and I’m currently having real trouble settling her into seniors however I know that if he was still living with us he wouldn’t be of any support anyway. It’s lovely being able to Go places and do things with my daughter without worrying with her he will enjoy it if/get bored et cetera.

My advice before it’s too late would be to book yourself a few hours out each week where your husband looks after the baby this is an opportunity then for you to have a break and for him and your child to bond.. Also have some family time/outings but step back and let him do more.. I was always reasonably happy to do everything and he was more than happy to let me but the trouble is with that is that eventually you burn out especially if you decide to have another child
my husband towards the end with wash hang out and put away his own clothes cook for himself if we were out but never ever hung my daughters clothes up using the excuse that he didn’t know where anything went despite her having a basket in her wardrobe for socks a basket for pants a basket for trousers and everything else being hung in her wardrobe

shoulder all the house related stuff, have my hobbies and even go on holiday alone

This was going on for years before the baby. It doesn't seem to me like much has changed in the relationship, other than your eyes have been opened to who he is, when you were previously doing your own thing and had zero expectations of him. Now you need a bit more, and he's not able to be what you need. Before you embark on couples counselling think carefully what you're expectations are, it can't change someone fundamentally.

I think he is either seriously Weird or on the Spectrum

It could be he comes as a weirdo, which in reality its his spectrum manifesting itself

He comes across so Robotic it's like you have married unwitting a hybrid/fusion of human/and Robort too

Does he constantly repeat 🤔 himself ,
Is he a serious Dr Who tv series Geek too?

Walk away. It won’t change and sounds like he adds zero value to your life.

Definitely sounds like hes on the spectrum. I suspect mine is and he would use formal words like that. He is very practical and sees himself as waiting for when I need him for things. Emotional connection is minimal. I know it's really hard to deal with and maybe you need to put your needs first. I'm trying to.