I don’t know what I expected but feeling so sad

[PleaseTakeItOff]

Dh and I separated about 3 years ago due to his lack of involvement with us as a family, he thought as I’d agreed to be a sahm it was fine to basically check out of everything else. I quite often wouldn’t know if he was in the country, he wouldn’t contact me for days on end when he was working away even when dc were tiny babies. Anyway, I finally had enough and asked him to leave. He was heartbroken, dc we’re heartbroken but we all moved on and all seemed ok.

Over the last 18 months dh started to really step up in terms of organising stuff for dc to do when they were with him, taking an interest in their birthdays, making sure to take time off to come to their birthday parties, contacting me asking how they are, sending them little videos of himself most days saying hello and that he missed them etc. He continued to entirely support me and continued to do so when I got a part time job. So 6 months ago we decided to give it another go. I was very clear what I expected from him - I needed to know when he’s be going to work and for how long, needed him to check in everyday when he was working away, he involved in dc’s lives and be interested in my life too. DC were so happy dad was coming home, he was happy, all was good.

Then for Christmas he didn’t ask me at any point what dc had asked for, whether I’d bought it, wrapped it, what we were having for dinner, what we were doing and when, who was coming down to stay, if he needed to do anything. He has been crazy busy at work but I told him I need him to talk to me about this stuff. He just says if I need anything I can just ask him and he’ll sort it. I asked him to set up the VR headset thing is got dc for Christmas as they’d want to play it when they opened it. He said he would, he didn’t. That’s all I asked him to do. I got him tickets to see a band that cost £500 and handmade gifts from dc. He got me 3 for 2 bath bombs from Boots at the station on the way home from work on Friday. I woke up this morning and he’s not here. I messaged him and he’s on the train to the airport as he found out yesterday he has to work in the states for 2 weeks but didn’t want to tell me as I’d kick off on Christmas Day.

I don’t want to do this again. He promised me he wouldn’t do this anymore. I don’t think I’m asking a lot and he was so sorry and so wanted to come back to our family. And now he’s gone again. I have to tell dc that dad isn’t here again and didn’t say goodbye. I’m so tired of this being my life and I willing stepped back into it when I’d managed to get out before.

I’m going to. He’s got his own place in London still. Most of his stuff is there. I’ll bag up his bits here and he can take them back with him next time he comes home. I’m going to book a weekend away for dc and I the weekend that he’s due back and he can clear it then.

@PleaseTakeItOff make this the final separation. The kids will understand in time that you gave him a second chance and he blew it. Don’t feel bad about them seeing him leave again because the alternative is they grow up thinking it’s ok to treat a partner the way he treats you and that you as a woman should be a doormat. Don’t let this become the norm for them and for history to possibly repeat itself when they become adults. He’s not a good husband or a good family man.

Thanks. I have often wondered if he has another woman but I do t think he’d have another full on family. He’s pretty much as disinterested as he could be in our DC and wouldn’t deliberately have more. He’s always been incredibly health conscious and would never have unprotected sex unless it was in an attempt at getting a woman pregnant. He had a vasectomy shortly after dc2 was born but he’s always been like this. I think the main reason he married me in the first place is because his family are very traditional and expected him to marry and have children. I was the first girlfriend he’d ever had that they approved of and I know for a fact he would have ended the relationship with me if they disapproved. I was fully in love with him and when I realised after dc1 was born that l, although I had no doubt he was fond of me, he wasn’t actually in love with me I felt so sad for him I often hoped he did have some woman squirrelled away somewhere. He must keep her very secret if he does though.

A two week business trip over Christmas and NY? riiiiiiight. Does he work in an industry where he's on call 27/7 and has to drop everything, OP?

You know now that his promises are meaningless, and you've given the marriage more than enough chances and it's still failed because of his behaviour.

It's not fair on your DC to put them through any more of this uncertainty as it's awful to live like this, for both you and the DC (I've had a similarly unreliable relationship partner, but nowhere near as extreme as your situation and it was still unacceptable for us). You can't plan things and even if you do, the DC are constantly being let down. It's not fair to continue to put them through this awful situation and it will shape their own self-esteem and future relationships.

Also, it sounds like he's a much better dad to DC when you two aren't together, so that's reason enough in itself to chuck him out for good. It probably won't change your day-to-day lives very much, but it will improve your headspace dramatically to finally have some certainty and be able to move on emotionally and give your DC a better life.

Underground is running (which was a surprise, I assumed it closes for 2 days)

He has always been really vague about when he’s working and he does often find out last minute but he though it was better to have me and dc wake up and find him not there than to have a conversation with me about it beforehand

Oh srsly? I was married to someone who travelled a lot for work. He had to set up meetings and dinners, get his secretary to book flights/trains, hotels and restaurants and he'd leave me his details so I knew where he was and where he could be contacted (this was pre-mobiles). A man who creeps out without you knowing and who is vague and can't be contacted isn't on business trips (unless he's drug running or up to something else, IMO).

He just didn't want to have the conversation with you that he was going... It wasn't about you kicking off. It's what was easiest for him.

I feel so sad for you and the children. But you really do deserve more.

Ah I feel so sad for you. How horrible that he convinces you he had changed. You and your children deserve better!

Yeah sorry this has got well dodgy written all over it. He deffo has another family and can't face telling you in person the lies about work.

Start digging. Quick.

You've done nothing wrong OP. I'm so sorry he's treated you and the children like this.

I don't see the point in digging, I'm a bit naive to ll of this though, what would the end game be? I would just want to move on with my life.

You arent 'putting your kids through it- he is. The selfish man left without telling you and abandoned you all. Youve done nothing wrong!

I also think he's leading a double life

This is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever heard! DH and I wouldn’t even nip to the shop without telling each other where we were going let alone a 2 week trip abroad 😵. How did he manage to pack in secret??

I agree with a previous poster- this really suggests some kind of double life:(
If I were you I would be doing a lot of investigating.
I went through something similar with a husband who traveled as yours does with vague or no details.
Come to find out he’d been in a relationship with a colleague for 3 years - told her he’d ‘separated’ from me (the visits home were to see the children).
They were basically traveling the world on the company dime whilst I was at home with 2 very young children. Sometimes he wasn’t even in the city or country he claimed to be in! I was dealing with everything ‘family’ myself because we had no family living nearby at all.
It was brutal and almost destroyed me.
It did prove to me that I could more than take care of my kids alone (in fact less stress without him involved) and you can too!

So sorry OP. Please don't blame yourself for wanting to give him another chance. He gave a very convincing performance of change. I'm only surprised it fell to bits again so soon.

If this was a Netflix drama, it would turn out he's actually a drug kingpin, or a serial murderer. In reality, I suspect it's probably another relationship, whether male or female. If it's a man, he may motivated by desperation at keeping up the facade for family. If it's a woman, he may be a mercenary bastard who wants to avoid division of assets at all costs.

But his reasons and motivations don't matter - all you need to focus on is protecting yourself and your DC.

This is a shitty relationship model for your children. For their sake, get rid of him- They should be taught by example to expect more than this.

He doesn’t have another family. Another woman, possibly but definitely not another family. I have full visibility of his bank account and his outgoings always match up to where he claims he is and he is always in the vicinity of the various branches of his office when he is abroad. If I do try to contact him when he’s away if he’s not answering his WhatsApp messages, for example, his phone diverts to one of his office secretaries and there’s never been anything that hasn’t added up there. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to dig for. I have no interest in finding out if he is sleeping with anyone else. Sorry to disappoint but there’s no massive secret life going on here. Just a crap husband who I thought might have changed but clearly hasn’t.

My assets are entirely protected and I can support myself independently of him if I need to. I don’t think he would ever cut me off financially though.

Why should I do any investigating? What could I possibly gain from doing that? I am done. I don’t want to continue this relationship or have my life reduced to being a NPC in someone else’s life.

He’s not on call as such but he holds a very senior position at a bank and if something complicated comes up he quite often needs to be there in person to deal with it. It’s just expected that he’ll prioritise work. I willingly gave up my career when we had dc to allow this but in doing so he seems to have lost sight of the fact that I continue to be an actual human being rather than someone who exists solely to allow his life to function smoothly.

This is very sad, one thing for sure, you can tick off that you did try, you gave the relationship another go and you won't always be wondering what if.

Seeing him step up, and if you had not given it another go, would always have had you thinking if you should get back together, you've tried, he didn't keep to his side of things, he returned to the same way he was before. You can move on now, knowing that he was all talk. You know for sure now that he is not going to change.

When a person gets a second chance they do everything in their power to prove their love and trust etc they keep their promises, they don't let their kids and wife wake to find them gone for 2 weeks without any mention of it. He was a coward in what he did, you had to contact him to find out where he was!

It would have been a hard conversation to have when he found out he had to work but you sound like a reasonable, understanding woman and it sounds like this is the type of job he has and it's expected, so as hard as it would be telling you all, it would have been a 100 times better than walking out the door not saying a word.

Your plan to bag up his things and go away with the kids is perfect, I'd let him know your plan to ensure he collects everything before your return.

The children will be upset, absolutely, but in time they will appreciate that you did really try. Just keep in the back of your mind, that none of this is your fault, your children's lives will be better as you won't have him there, with no interest in any of you.

Who needs banking dealt with over Christmas?

As another poster pointed out, even at the last minute he has to get flights, accommodation etc booked. I
He knows he's going to travel, he'd just not telling you about it. Tbh, it could be head in the sand behaviour from him, he doesn't want to have the discussion with you because he doesn't want to see your reaction or deal with you being upset. But it also means he's just not stepping up to his responsibilities. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but you have my sympathy, it must be bloody tough. But at least you can look the kids in the eye and say you gave him every chance to be a good husband and father. He has let you all down by not being mature enough to be honest with you. And when they are old enough to have a grown up conversation about it, they will understand that I think.

Have a hug though, it's shit, and the worst bloody time of the year for it.

Banking organisations which have operations in countries which don't routinely celebrate Christian holidays? HSBC springs to mind.