How do move forward after screwing my life up?

[Everlastinglight]

To put it in fewer words, rather than typing out an epic story, and hoping you catch what I’m saying…

Parents divorced when I was 8. Lived with my mother who could be ‘difficult’ - older siblings had already left home. Relationship with father deteriorated and I didn’t see him again. He died when I was 26.

Virginity taken at 19 by a man 35 years old that I was infatuated with. Funny, gorgeous and made me feel great. He had a pregnant girlfriend his age. I didn’t know. Devastated. Felt used. Hadn’t really had a real BF before (shyness, not lack of looks). Quit chemistry A-level as a result but still managed to get into uni, thank goodness. It broke my heart and trust.

Met stbxh on my year out from university . Ten years older and more stable and kind. But, I found him uninteresting and wasn’t excited by him (sexually nor as a person). He was very inexperienced and lived at home with his parents. We got on ok otherwise. We married straight after I left university. I know now that I should’ve waited.

Started my career and loved it. Did well etc. Always found happiness in my work.

Sex life was awful. (1) he was rubbish at it; (2) I’d not really had anything else to compare it to; (3) marriage lacked affection and passion - both ways (mostly from my direction as I wasn’t attracted/turned on by him). Two children though because I longed to be a mother. I knew I wasn’t happy but lived with it and accepted it.

Roll on many years.

Menopause quite suddenly and abruptly at 45. Lack of support at home and work. No-one thought it was menopause (severe feelings of detachment from reality, anxiety, sex surge). Even my GP dismissed it as not being the menopause and have me a month off work for ‘stress’. No periods was the glowing clue!! Missed!

I became more sexual. Suddenly. I still couldn’t go near him. You guessed it. I got involved with someone else. Also married. We were never meant to meet (we had met online). After a year we did. We just went for a drink but the chemistry between us was electrifying. Our friendship’ grew. We chatted for hours on the phone (still do). He was in a sexless marriage but it was obvious he loved his wife. No kids. I know it was stupid but it just got more and more intense to a point that I developed feelings for him. Even just talking in the phone. We met numerous times over the years (yes, this has gone on for years). I ended my marriage after I crossed the line btw. He didn’t. He also stopped contact numerous times saying it wasn’t fair on everyone. However, it has always started up again. I think, deep down, he does care for me but not enough. I shouldn’t have let this go on so far!

I left my career. Stupid mistake. Again, menopause. I’m now in a job that is very stressful and demanding that I have no heart in.

My children now live apart. One with their dad, one with me. I feel terrible about this.

We were very comfortable financially as a couple but I will struggle alone. I need to get a mortgage again to find somewhere else to live.

OM talks to me still but it’s pretty obvious it’s when he feels like it. He has cooled it a lot. I spent yesterday feeling down as I hadn’t had a Merry Christmas or anything and suddenly had visions of him sitting at the dining room table playing happy families with his extended family. I was alone most of the day. I have struggled to hold back the tears.

Bottom line is, I wasn’t attracted to my husband of over 20 years and I had lived with that for years until something cracked and I got involved far deeper than I should’ve with someone else. Although he showed guilt he carried on doing it. I had feelings for him so was a willing idiot.

I have tried OLD almost a year to find someone else. I did meet one who strung me along for 4-5 months. He was a struggle to meet with. Definitely not married, not kids but a bit of a strange one. He decided that we weren’t aligned and didn’t share enough interests. He still slept with me though!!! Twice!! Other men just send messages with the usual ‘wow, you’re a stunner’ blah blah. I’m losing faith in OLD and don’t believe what men say to me now. I just don’t trust anyone anymore and feel men will just use me. Most on OLD are well passed it anyway. I get a like every few minutes but I don’t like any of them (also, having feelings for someone else isn’t helping).

I am feeling extremely lonely. I was successful in my career. My close family are all RIP, with both older siblings having passed away in the last 12 months. Mum died just before this whole episode kicked off.

How can I get myself out of this feeling of despair and move forward? I feel guilt over treating an innocent man badly but then feel bitter that I have missed out on a passionate/affectionate/loving/supportive relationship with someone else. I will
point out that the OM has always been supportive of me too and he is well aware it hasn’t been good for me. I lived in a sexless marriage for years. I really know how Lady Chatterley felt!!

I am 50 btw. Attractive and educated (although you wouldn’t think so by my recent actions and decisions lately). Kids are late teens.

Any advice? I feel like I need therapy but I am still paying the divorce solicitor ££££.

Sorry this did actually turn out to be a long post!!!

You’re putting too much focus on being in a relationship. It isn’t the route of all happiness. You need to become happy with yourself and find your purpose before you bring someone else into your life.

In order to make any positive steps forward, you need to block this other man out of your life completely. No more contact, ever. That chapter of your life needs to be closed permanently.

Think I agree with pp, stop focusing on a relationship and try to find happiness and fulfilment elsewhere

You seem really obsessed with your looks
not lack of looks
I get a like every few minutes
Attractive and educated

Maybe try to work on your personality a bit?

Can you go back to your old career?

i think it’s telling that this kicked off with your mum dying. In effect you went off the rails and that’s not unusual after losing your parent. Throw in menopause and … bam!

forgive yourself and become your own best friend/mum, then gradually find your way

Yeah agree with above - put all thought of men on the back burner while you figure things out, it might feel like you don’t want more time with no sex but I think it’s vital to have some time alone to know who you are without the distraction of a relationship. You didn’t have parents to give you good advice before you settled down, and that formed a good chunk of your life but you’ve got tonnes ahead of you!! Don’t feel guilt anymore, you gave stbexh many years of your life, and what’s done is done.

Get the divorce wrapped up and cut all contact with OM, it’s just lingering background noise which won’t help you.

I feel it’s exciting OP - 2023 is brand new and this is your eat pray love moment!!

Have you tried HRT?

I don’t mean what I say in a show off way. I’m just saying that I’m not on the scrap heap and should still be attracting men. Which I do. I just can’t understand why I got myself into this position.

I have a lovely personality. That’s probably half of my problem! I am too nice to everyone around me. I don’t get much in return.

Yes, I think you’re right. I suddenly entered menopause about a year after my mum died. My train derailed but also opened me eyes!

@BaddogGooddoggy
I am trying to go back to my old career and have started another Masters degree hoping that I can go in at the next band up. Most vacancies are miles away and I can’t uproot my daughter from her school (outstanding) or from her father.

No, I was reluctant as my mother died of cancer.

Maybe it's a self esteem issue. Therapy is your best chance of changing how you see yourself and you'll feel better.

You're going to need to cut out the OM user ..

This is one of those posts where you wish you could verbally talk about it and not write about it. A chain of events that has spiralled and things have just drifted and drifted, for whatever reason, i.e., kids, possibly insecurity.

I feel for the OP in this regard because it appears that the right thing has been attempted throughout but sometimes events take over, time passes and you realise that xx years have gone by.

Please be kind on yourself and don't look back. Try to look forward.

I have had to deal with a heart breaking situation this week that has brought nothing but sadness all week. Called for counselling and couldn't bring myself to get the words out. Instead of I have written down a list of feelings / issues of how I felt before the change and also how I feel now. As heartbroken as I am, list 1 far outweighed list 2 and I know - as hard as it is, I have made the right decision.

Agree with others you are too focussed on a relationship. Perhaps find some new interests. Cut contact with OM once and for all. Make new year ahead an exciting one!

I think you probably have long standing issues from your childhood and your Mum passing away has triggered a lot of this. It’s easy to fall into unhealthy relationships when you haven’t had good role models as a child (I was similar).
I agree with pp that right now you should focus on you. Therapy doesn’t have to be expensive. I went through a local service - there’s a college near me that trains counsellors. Once they are qualified, they have to do 100 hours free counselling so that they can work privately. Alternatively if you do study again you may be able to get counselling through Uni. If you rush into a relationship now, you’ll fall into the same traps again. Take some time for you, reflect on what has happened.

You need to give yourself a break .
Things happen in life it’s how it is ..
some good , some not so good .

Firstly block the OM completely, you’ll never think straight while enjoying the hot attraction , be glad you felt/ experienced that passion once and then step away from him .
Do not seek another partner for at least a year … read your post again , it’s all about men who have played a part in your life and the impact they had - not good .
Now focus on getting strong yourself and coping yourself.
Get your career back on track and take control of your own future .
You don’t mention any female friends ?
Surround yourself with good friends who will support you , share experiences etc … I think this is key when women get older to build that network .

Finally , the time that you’re not looking to date … put that time into your children .. you can strengthen your relationship with them .

Good luck and be kind to yourself… you’re human… life is not over ..

No sympathy for you being complicit in cheating. His poor wife and your poor ex husband. Shame on you.

You. We'd to look again at hrt and research more carefully the pros and cons instead of making a quick decision. As people say, relationships don't define you. Concentrate on your own life

Also need to say, there is a big self pitying undertone here. Your virginity was 'taken' from you by an older man you were crazy about. It was your decision Maybe take better control of your life?

I don’t mean what I say in a show off way. I’m just saying that I’m not on the scrap heap and should still be attracting men. Which I do. I just can’t understand why I got myself into this position.

Don't feed the trolls. There was nothing wrong with the way you spoke about yourself.

I'm a huge advocate of therapy. Make as much sacrifice as you can to pay for it, or check you don't get therapy as part of a health benefit at work.

You are very harsh on yourself and your past decisions. You call yourself an idiot or blame yourself for accepting a person. However, you did your best with your background and knowledge at the time. And there isn't a right way to live your life.

I sense that you think ok I've been gifted with intelligence and looks and so I should be able to do better in life with what God gave me. However, there is no should. Life is complicated. It sounds like you've done your best. (I sometimes have this issue because I'm intelligent though I'm not pretty)

You have two children (something you really wanted), you have had relationships, you have had a good career. And you are clever and pretty.

So .. there are many more wonderful things you can do in life.

Some ideas:

• read up on how to forgive yourself. You blame yourself for what you see as past mistakes. I don't think they're mistakes and you need to try to forgive yourself.
• read up on being kind to yourself more generally
• take the focus of romantic relationships. Your story seems to be all about this despite your other successes in life. I suggest you find other ways to meet people like join a hobby group like a book club, a painting class, a walking group so you can meet friends.

It's hard to have well-balanced, meaningful relationships when you are unhappy in yourself. (Speaking from experience many years ago.) Unhappy people struggle to make good decisions and maintain healthy boundaries. You've been through a lot. You need time to process this and heal. Focus on your own well-being needs, build friendships, find fulfilment in other ways. Make time for yourself and your children before you commit any emotional energy to a new partner

I also think you should spend time on your own rather than in a relationship. Get to know yourself and what you like and want out of life.
So far the overall picture seems to be that you have been too passive about men. You have ended up with inappropriate men because they liked you and gave you attention, without much thought as to if they were right for you. You are still basing your hopes on a relationship on how attractive you are to them and, although you rate yourself, you are not considering enough about if they are good enough for you and match your needs.
Lots of people can attract men, but it's the right men you want to be hanging with. No point in being with someone unavailable or a person who treats you poorly.
The only way to work out who is right for you is to first work out yourself and learn to value yourself on you own.Otherwise you will just keep accepting scraps. You are worth more than these men have offered, you always were, you were just too passive and didn't realise it.

You seem to blame someone or something else for all of your woes. You need to look at your part in this. You cheated on your DH and some poor woman (sexless marriage is the oldest excuse in the book) out there is still being cheated on and you are complicit in this. Take control and responsibility for your actions, the rest will come in time.

"To put the world in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order; we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right" - Confucious.

Start with you first. Therapy will give you everything you are wondering about as the answers lie within yourself. There is a pattern of behaviour in your relationships that is worth exploring with a therapist who is trained to work psychodynamically.

I feel like absolute 💩 tbh. Distraught at a life lost, a life I’ve been deprived of and a the change in direction of my future. I have no family left for support and not feeling great at all.