How do move forward after screwing my life up?

[Everlastinglight]

To put it in fewer words, rather than typing out an epic story, and hoping you catch what I’m saying…

Parents divorced when I was 8. Lived with my mother who could be ‘difficult’ - older siblings had already left home. Relationship with father deteriorated and I didn’t see him again. He died when I was 26.

Virginity taken at 19 by a man 35 years old that I was infatuated with. Funny, gorgeous and made me feel great. He had a pregnant girlfriend his age. I didn’t know. Devastated. Felt used. Hadn’t really had a real BF before (shyness, not lack of looks). Quit chemistry A-level as a result but still managed to get into uni, thank goodness. It broke my heart and trust.

Met stbxh on my year out from university . Ten years older and more stable and kind. But, I found him uninteresting and wasn’t excited by him (sexually nor as a person). He was very inexperienced and lived at home with his parents. We got on ok otherwise. We married straight after I left university. I know now that I should’ve waited.

Started my career and loved it. Did well etc. Always found happiness in my work.

Sex life was awful. (1) he was rubbish at it; (2) I’d not really had anything else to compare it to; (3) marriage lacked affection and passion - both ways (mostly from my direction as I wasn’t attracted/turned on by him). Two children though because I longed to be a mother. I knew I wasn’t happy but lived with it and accepted it.

Roll on many years.

Menopause quite suddenly and abruptly at 45. Lack of support at home and work. No-one thought it was menopause (severe feelings of detachment from reality, anxiety, sex surge). Even my GP dismissed it as not being the menopause and have me a month off work for ‘stress’. No periods was the glowing clue!! Missed!

I became more sexual. Suddenly. I still couldn’t go near him. You guessed it. I got involved with someone else. Also married. We were never meant to meet (we had met online). After a year we did. We just went for a drink but the chemistry between us was electrifying. Our friendship’ grew. We chatted for hours on the phone (still do). He was in a sexless marriage but it was obvious he loved his wife. No kids. I know it was stupid but it just got more and more intense to a point that I developed feelings for him. Even just talking in the phone. We met numerous times over the years (yes, this has gone on for years). I ended my marriage after I crossed the line btw. He didn’t. He also stopped contact numerous times saying it wasn’t fair on everyone. However, it has always started up again. I think, deep down, he does care for me but not enough. I shouldn’t have let this go on so far!

I left my career. Stupid mistake. Again, menopause. I’m now in a job that is very stressful and demanding that I have no heart in.

My children now live apart. One with their dad, one with me. I feel terrible about this.

We were very comfortable financially as a couple but I will struggle alone. I need to get a mortgage again to find somewhere else to live.

OM talks to me still but it’s pretty obvious it’s when he feels like it. He has cooled it a lot. I spent yesterday feeling down as I hadn’t had a Merry Christmas or anything and suddenly had visions of him sitting at the dining room table playing happy families with his extended family. I was alone most of the day. I have struggled to hold back the tears.

Bottom line is, I wasn’t attracted to my husband of over 20 years and I had lived with that for years until something cracked and I got involved far deeper than I should’ve with someone else. Although he showed guilt he carried on doing it. I had feelings for him so was a willing idiot.

I have tried OLD almost a year to find someone else. I did meet one who strung me along for 4-5 months. He was a struggle to meet with. Definitely not married, not kids but a bit of a strange one. He decided that we weren’t aligned and didn’t share enough interests. He still slept with me though!!! Twice!! Other men just send messages with the usual ‘wow, you’re a stunner’ blah blah. I’m losing faith in OLD and don’t believe what men say to me now. I just don’t trust anyone anymore and feel men will just use me. Most on OLD are well passed it anyway. I get a like every few minutes but I don’t like any of them (also, having feelings for someone else isn’t helping).

I am feeling extremely lonely. I was successful in my career. My close family are all RIP, with both older siblings having passed away in the last 12 months. Mum died just before this whole episode kicked off.

How can I get myself out of this feeling of despair and move forward? I feel guilt over treating an innocent man badly but then feel bitter that I have missed out on a passionate/affectionate/loving/supportive relationship with someone else. I will
point out that the OM has always been supportive of me too and he is well aware it hasn’t been good for me. I lived in a sexless marriage for years. I really know how Lady Chatterley felt!!

I am 50 btw. Attractive and educated (although you wouldn’t think so by my recent actions and decisions lately). Kids are late teens.

Any advice? I feel like I need therapy but I am still paying the divorce solicitor ££££.

Sorry this did actually turn out to be a long post!!!

I see a pattern of using relationships with men who are deemed socially unacceptable for you (older, married, inappropriate age gaps, one you describe as odd) to rescue you from your life. Maybe you think your youth or beauty will be enough like a fairy tail for a wealthier or wiser man with more resources who can look after you and cherish you like a princess and be grateful for you. Even when you aren't really into them, it's the idea of them and what they symbolise. I think insecurity makes you choose men where you feel you will be the 'catch' and he will feel so lucky to have you that he will have to treat you well but you haven't really chosen a partner like equal healthy people do it was always based on them being low risk of hurting or leaving you.
Priority now is to focus on your health and finances and cut off the MM forever.

Youre being very hard on yourself. Life isn't always pretty or perfect and we human beings can be messy creatures.

I would try therapy, meditation and HRT. And spend a year being single and healing.
Things will get better

And agree, you need to learn to forgive yourself and move on. Best of luck OP

OP why are your children split and not together in one home? Whose decision was that?

I understand where you are, and therapy will probably show you that this all starts with problems with attachments when you were a child.

You need to look inwards, rather than outwards (and I say that as someone who is also struggling with this). It sounds very obvious, but you have to learn to love yourself and put yourself first.

Therapy definitely. HRT is not as scary as you think. Look at getting back onto your old career.

I would say give up the OM but I know just how hard that can be. I think, if you learn to like yourself, the OM will become less important to you anyway.

It was my eldest’s decision. He didn’t want his dad to be alone.

As PPs mentioned, therapy.

At 50 and looking back at all the men you've known, have you figured out the truth about them?

I can’t believe how callous you are towards that man’s poor wife.

Sounds like you’ve been a passenger in your own life.

Although, you made bad decisions that you were not mature enough to make at the time, e.g. losing your virginity to a much older man and then getting married straight out of Uni to a man you didn’t even fancy and having bad sex.

But you then continued to make bad decisions as you then chose for this man to be the father of your DC and subsequently felt hard done by that you had ended up in a sexless marriage. You then embarked on a long affair. That was/is selfish as you only wanted your needs met and didn’t think or care about how this would affect your exDH, DC or the OM’s Wife/family.

You’re now feeling sorry for yourself as you’re on your own, you’ve lost extended family members, your teenage DC live separately to each other due to divorce and you’re still paying out for your divorce. You’re not having a nice Christmas as you’re lonely and without a partner, albeit due to your own actions.

It’s okay to feel sorry for your younger self (most of us have been there), but you now need to stop feeling sorry for yourself as you continued to be selfish and make bad decisions that ultimately and negatively also affected the lives of other innocent people, not just yourself.

Stop contact with the OM, get therapy and find yourself. Learn how to be happy with being single. Work on what you need to do for yourself before expecting a potential partner to be happy with what you are willing to offer them.

Sorry for the loss of your Mother. That was likely to be the catalyst for leaving your previous career. Definitely try to go back if that’s what you really want to do. I can vouch that it’s possible. I left, wasn’t happy and managed to get back in.

No one is perfect and we all mess up somewhere, but your posts do read as a pity party. You’ll continue to make bad decisions and potentially ruin your next relationship if you do not get therapy in order to bring your best self forward first.

Ok,

I'm going to go against the expected way of things for women, is it possible for your daughter to join her father and brother and you go on a journey of self-discovery for a few months? Maybe travel alone for a bit?

I come from a stressful, dysfunctional upbringing also, with a semi-absent father. Two things about that:

1. It often leaves you inadequately prepared for good emotional reasoning when young. Then you effectively revictimise yourself with poor decision making based on usually trying to be safe. You instinctively and subconsciously seek 'safety' it becomes a drive. It's telling that you didn't even really feel the hots for your husband, yet married him and gave your virginity away to a man so much older than you. It's typical, classic. A story retold a million times. A man comes along, who seemingly offers stability and safety and you end up with them, and overlook the fine details of them, because they are a theme rather than a person. It later turns out to be a trap, but it is VERY VERY difficult to then leave that place of safety. Your brain finds it very hard. So you stay or hang on waaay past what any sane, rational person would. It is fear driven. You are dealing with abandonment in your past and abandonment is one the strongest drivers for addictive partnering and self-destructive behaviour patterns. At least it's not alcohol or drugs you're addicted to in your case, which plenty people do to deal with abandonment instead.

2. You don't emotionally mature properly when you have a lot of stress in childhood. Your character development can be paused. You are primed to take care of yourself. Hence your seeming apathy about the wife. I don't blame you in this instance and I hate cheating. I get it. Also we compound things by getting into motherhood early that lengthens the delay for self understanding and personal growth. At usually late 30s or 40s we start looking around at the mess wondering how did I get here.

I think if you can you should free yourself of as much responsibility as you can for a while and try and find who you are. Explore many different things. Meet people, volunteer, travel, read, explore religion, therapy, anything. Let the world in. What other things are you into besides those attached to your former career? What calls to you? The masters sounds good. But maybe travel down new roads.

Give yourself credit for finishing university, getting a career, raising children. Give yourself some grace. You deserve some grace here.

Sorry OP, this sounds tough

Your post is very self-focused and yet missing so much.

Why does it matter OM is supportive? Or that you think you're attractive?

Do you have a relationship with your child leaving with their Dad?

I'd stop chasing men and focus on me