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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I Be Worried About This?

40 replies

QuTheMusic · 24/12/2022 21:27

Myself and my boyfriend have been together for over a year. He appears to be very happy in the relationship and I love him deeply.

Earlier this month my self confidence took a hit and I've started worrying - probably because I'm an overthinker.
What happened was me and my boyfriend were doing something on his PC together and, as he went through files I saw what was very clearly a thumbnail for a porn video misplaced amongst the files. No biggie, guys watch porn and it wouldn't bother me usually.
I decided to ask him about it and he opened up, telling me he has a lot of porn on his computer. I even asked him to show me some, and he did. I appreciate honesty but what he had to tell and show me was a shock.
He told me the videos he gets off on the most are naughty in sense that it he likes watching people cheat/being unfaithful and do things in public spaces.
Then I saw how many videos he has on his PC - well over 2500, and those are the ones not in folders.

Further still, I decided to snoop (which I don't like doing but I had to answer a question myself) and a lot have been downloaded whilst we've been together. He told me that his collection is from when he was single, and that he occasionally watches porn when I'm not available to deal with his urges.
But he has been downloading porn relatively regularly through our relationship. And what hurt me quite a lot was finding videos he downloaded whilst I've been asleep, right after our anniversary and my birthday, and even when I've been in the house, awake and completely available for him.
One night he he got to bed well after his usual bedtime after work , saying he lost track of time playing games, and -lo and behold - more porn videos downloaded on that night whilst he was 'playing' a game.

After having him say he doesn't watch porn that much anymore and his collection his from his days of being single he certainly downloads a lot.
And just today, as I got downstairs after having a lie in I saw him looking at a women's profile on Facebook. Which also wouldn't be suspicious but he closed the app so quickly when he noticed me that it made me wonder.

It's starting to make me feel really uncomfortable and like I'm not not good enough. Like he enjoys porn far more than doing anything with me.
Like I said at the start, I love him deeply but the thought that he lied about not downloading or watching much anymore and seeing new videos in the -well buired- file often twice a week is tearing me apart.

OP posts:
Swalewhale · 24/12/2022 21:41

Honestly yeah, you should be worried about that, it's extreme. You don't have to accept that to look cool, he is creepy.

I might be missing the point, but why he is downloading it and saving it in files rather than just watching it online? Is he distributing it too?

Original poster
QuTheMusic · 24/12/2022 21:51

He said he downloads and saves it for when he doesn't have access to the Internet. He doesn't share it with anyone.

I wouldn't say he's creepy, because he really isn't and it a nice guy all round. But his consistent downloads worry me.
I'd like to ask him about it because he told me he doesn't do it as much as qhen he was single, but my searches though his videos and finding download dates and times says otherwise. But then he'll ask why I was looking though his files (though he has said I'm free to look if I want). I don't know ow if he realises I'm computer savvy enough to find all the extra information such as when things were created on the PC.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 24/12/2022 22:45

The talk of him getting off on people cheating would be a red flag imo. Well, that and the obvious porn obsession of course.

Shutting his laptop fast when you saw him looking at another woman's profile. Is he cheating...or is he trying to make you paranoid that he is?

People with obsessions with watching things often start to act out their fantasies IRL.

Sausagelove · 24/12/2022 23:27

He’s a porn addict. Read up on it and get rid. They hoard these videos, it’s nothing to do with internet access. There’s probably several external hard drives full too.

MadeForThis · 24/12/2022 23:36

Where does he take his laptop where he won't have internet? But also want a wank and to watch porn?

Billslills · 24/12/2022 23:37

OP, there is a big difference to a man jumping on pornhub once in a while because he needs to satisfy an urge…

Downloading and saving thousands of videos (with a specific theme to them) is a porn addiction.

This has nothing to do with you not being good enough or not being able to satisfy him.

If I were you, I would get out of this relationship ASAP.

MerryShitemas · 24/12/2022 23:41

Very weird. Why is he downloading porn when he can stream it on a website? Does he have.... Unusual tastes? Or worse?

ChrisTrepidation · 25/12/2022 00:36

He's a porn addict.

I'd get rid while you still have some self esteem left. His behaviour is extremely unhealthy.

Hawkins001 · 25/12/2022 01:40

All the best op, I guess it's a mix of reasons why people watch it, obviously and understandably it's not every couple's cuppa tea.

Watchkeys · 25/12/2022 11:08

There are no 'shoulds', and you are worried about it. Stop questioning your feelings, and start respecting them. If you don't respect how you feel, it's a recipe for disaster, emotionally, for you and your future, and for the future of your relationship(s)

You don't need us to tell you that you're uncomfortable about it. You need to work out what can be done to make you feel better, and then make that happen. It might be 'him deleting everything', it might be 'not having a relationship with someone who has 2500 porn images stored on his laptop', it might be anything, but what it isn't is feeling the need to snoop on your partner, and post on a forum to validate your feelings.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/12/2022 11:09

Bin, bin, bin.

Sorry. Flowers

Aquasulis · 25/12/2022 11:18

Sausagelove · 24/12/2022 23:27

He’s a porn addict. Read up on it and get rid. They hoard these videos, it’s nothing to do with internet access. There’s probably several external hard drives full too.

This. It affects their sex life so they can’t get hard unless thinking about a video and then they are not there with you. I once had sex with someone and his eyes were shut and he was literally treating me as a hole with him playing a part - do this you slut etc to me. Wanting me in the same position and of course the dreaded death grip when they can’t stay hard etc

I don’t want to play a part in a porn movie I want to connect

Original poster
QuTheMusic · 25/12/2022 21:37

I'm not looking for validation. I'm looking for opinions and advice. As my first real relationship I'm in the dark as to what I should be expecting from someone.
I get that porn addiction is a thing, is it bad? Should I bring it up to him and ask why he feels the need to download so much?
I really hated snooping on his files but I had to to find answers. He claimed to have essentially stopped downloading, he clearly hasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuTheMusic · 25/12/2022 21:41

I haven't considered this - he has always got his eyes shut, even during foreplay. I was told it was completely normal for people to close their eyes during sex. But during foreplay?

OP posts:
Original poster
QuTheMusic · 25/12/2022 21:45

When I asked him why he watches people cheating he mentioned that he would never consider doing it.
But people do get curious and feel the need to know how something feels.
He has even had someone cheat on him in the past, he said it tore his heart out so why on earth it would interest him confuses me.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuTheMusic · 25/12/2022 21:49

I'm starting to think that is the case.
Stashing a few videos away is completely different to having thousands hidden in a folder.

OP posts:
bakewellbride · 25/12/2022 21:49

"I get that porn addiction is a thing, is it bad"

Of course it's bad op. Come on where's your self respect? It certainly doesn't make you feel good about things and that's enough to make it "bad". You deserve to be loved and adored.

This man seems obsessed with porn and that's not healthy.

3487642l · 25/12/2022 21:49

You don't need to have another conversation with him because you've got all the information you need from his actions - and well done for getting the info. When you are together, even on special occasions, he sneaks off to use porn, that he saves on his computer to keep for later, then he lies to your face? I think the lying is really problematic and a good indicators he knows what he is doing isn't normal or acceptable, so he deceives you to do it.
This behaviour or level of dishonesty i would say isn't normal or something you need to accept. It isn't going to be easy for him to change his behaviour and my advice would be to cut your losses and move on.

YNWA2009 · 25/12/2022 21:51

QuTheMusic · 25/12/2022 21:41

I haven't considered this - he has always got his eyes shut, even during foreplay. I was told it was completely normal for people to close their eyes during sex. But during foreplay?

I'm a Guy, I wouldn't close my eyes during foreplay. If I'm having foreplay / sex then surely I am attracted to partner in question (female partner in my case). I guess during sex then it depends on the thrusts you are in - sometimes open and sometimes closed maybe.

Coming from a Guy that has watched occasional porn, no partiuclar theme, then it does seem like a weird amount of downloads.

YNWA2009 · 25/12/2022 21:55

On the theme front, just because he watches 'cheating porn', doesn't mean that he wants to cheat. People have different tastes and it just may turn him on and nothing more.

Quitelikeit · 25/12/2022 22:03

Your discovery would make me very uncomfortable.

theres many on MN who are dead set against porn and I’m not one of them.

however, that is quite a substantial haul of videos, he lied to you and cheating turns him on. Yes it’s fantasy but what if some day he gets the opportunity to fulfill that fantasy?

I think your gut instinct is now telling you something, alerting you if you like and now you need to do some uncomfortable talking

also I wonder if he is signed up to things like only fans etc

be careful your heart is on the line -he told you what you wanted to hear and not the truth. And there’s a reason he wasn’t truthful….

purpledalmation · 25/12/2022 22:37

Ex was like this. Really addicted to porn and it slowly destroyed my respect for him. He also wanted to act out these videos. He's gone.

ClarathecrosseyedLioness · 25/12/2022 22:43

I am very surprised OP that you have been together for a year and this topic hasn't been discussed?

You need to be on the same page about this and you need to be clear in your own mind what your boundaries are.

If you can't agree then maybe you should reconsider this relationship.

IsThePopeCatholic · 25/12/2022 22:59

I couldn’t have a relationship with a porn addict. Don’t you feel used? It completely warps men’s views of women and reduces women to vessels. You deserve better than this.

pumpkinsareshortlived · 26/12/2022 00:55

Yuck! Come on OP, pork addiction is very real, destroys relationships. He is prioritising his addiction over you. Run for the hills, he isn't going to change. Stop minimising this.