Should I Be Worried About This?

[QuTheMusic]

Myself and my boyfriend have been together for over a year. He appears to be very happy in the relationship and I love him deeply.

Earlier this month my self confidence took a hit and I've started worrying - probably because I'm an overthinker.
What happened was me and my boyfriend were doing something on his PC together and, as he went through files I saw what was very clearly a thumbnail for a porn video misplaced amongst the files. No biggie, guys watch porn and it wouldn't bother me usually.
I decided to ask him about it and he opened up, telling me he has a lot of porn on his computer. I even asked him to show me some, and he did. I appreciate honesty but what he had to tell and show me was a shock.
He told me the videos he gets off on the most are naughty in sense that it he likes watching people cheat/being unfaithful and do things in public spaces.
Then I saw how many videos he has on his PC - well over 2500, and those are the ones not in folders.

Further still, I decided to snoop (which I don't like doing but I had to answer a question myself) and a lot have been downloaded whilst we've been together. He told me that his collection is from when he was single, and that he occasionally watches porn when I'm not available to deal with his urges.
But he has been downloading porn relatively regularly through our relationship. And what hurt me quite a lot was finding videos he downloaded whilst I've been asleep, right after our anniversary and my birthday, and even when I've been in the house, awake and completely available for him.
One night he he got to bed well after his usual bedtime after work , saying he lost track of time playing games, and -lo and behold - more porn videos downloaded on that night whilst he was 'playing' a game.

After having him say he doesn't watch porn that much anymore and his collection his from his days of being single he certainly downloads a lot.
And just today, as I got downstairs after having a lie in I saw him looking at a women's profile on Facebook. Which also wouldn't be suspicious but he closed the app so quickly when he noticed me that it made me wonder.

It's starting to make me feel really uncomfortable and like I'm not not good enough. Like he enjoys porn far more than doing anything with me.
Like I said at the start, I love him deeply but the thought that he lied about not downloading or watching much anymore and seeing new videos in the -well buired- file often twice a week is tearing me apart.

Who downloads porn like that in 2023 ? It's on websites

You should be running for the hills like your arse is on fire.

This is happening more and more now, and I'm not at all anti porn or the like, but I think the way it's so easily available, is problematic. I say this as someone who has worked in the adult industry, and despite things like this happening, there are folks who are able to watch porn without it getting to this level of addiction.

I recently listened to an audiobook called The Brain on Porn. It's an amazing book actually, and I think that it hits the nail on the head for a lot of people. It's unfortunately often responsible for diminishing relationships when someone develops habits that turn into addictions. If people access it from a younger age, it can lead to forming completely unrealistic ideals for how relationships should be. It's a fucking disaster.

His behaviour is very much one of a porn addict. Recovery is possible, but he probably doesn't even think he's got a problem.

He definitely has a problem.

It's not just the volume of porn that he has, it's the fact that he's kept downloading it, lying about it, downloaded it on significant dates etc. That requires active thought. Premeditation. It's not mindless thought.

Unfortunately there is no middle ground here. If he wishes to continue his relationship with you, he will need to permenantly delete collection. That's assuming you'd want to stay involved. If you do, and you'd be prepared to go through detox with him (this is an addiction and needs to be treated as such), it's not going to be an easy process. For example he might show you he's deleted files, by doing it in front of you, but what you might not realise is that he's probably got physical backups on external hard drives, disks etc. It requires an absolute hardcore removal of porn and the available channels it comes through.

He's pretty far gone given your descriptions, so if I'm honest, I'd run as far away as you can from him. If he's into cheating clips, there's a fair chance he's dying for you to do something like that involving him, there's a lot of cuckolds about.

If he's this far gone, he's probably talking to sexworkers too, either camgirls or phonegirls. He's likely aware that you're not at all into his fetishes, so if he wants someone to talk to about it, he will need to pay for it unless he's on fetish discussion sites. He likely is.

I've accidentally written a novel, but I'll stop now. Happy to help you make sense of anything if I can.

Ugh. Can you imagine taking his computer to be fixed and having anyone else seeing what he's really like?

He's utter low life and it's concerning you can write all the detail and not see anything wrong in it.

The problem with an addiction like this that you need to be very wary of is that is is fluid and won’t stay the same.

He won’t keep watching the same videos because they won’t give him what he needs anymore. He will have to download more and more and the type of content won’t stay the same. What worries me most for you but being realistic is that in some people, they’re constantly looking for the next thrill so things start to become boring to them and they have to look up increasingly more extreme material which they want to act out and will find a means to do so, even if that’s not you.

I would absolutely leave because this will become as much your problem and erode your self-esteem.

It would give me the ick, OP. I'd have to chuck him back in the pond because he's bound to end up with limp dick. And life is too short for appeasing the limp dick.

I'm not looking for validation. I'm looking for opinions and advice. As my first real relationship I'm in the dark as to what I should be expecting from someone

Looking for what you 'should' do is looking for validation. You're looking for external confirmation that you're doing it 'right'.

What you should be expecting is for the person to be themselves, and what you want is what you want. If the person being themselves isn't what you want, that's the end. You're asking us to tell you if you 'should' be happy with what he's doing. Some people would be ok with it, some people wouldn't. You need to decide for yourself what you're happy with, and that's self-validation. For as long as you look to others to tell you what you 'should' put up with in relationships, you won't have healthy relationships. It's like you asking if you 'should' like broccoli. What would you do if you didn't like it and we told you that it was 'normal' to like broccoli, and most people do like broccoli? Would you make yourself eat it, or would you say 'Oh well, maybe I'm a bit unusual, but I don't like it, so that's my decision made: no broccoli for me!'?

Tips to becoming an independent thinker, to equip yourself to make the right decisions for you and to protect yourself from hurt and harm:

• develop your critical thinking skills so that when you are presented with facts (eg: your partner has a significant number of inappropriate images on his computer), you think about the "so what" in that given situation. What might happen next, is this wrong? How might it affect me? How might it lead to damage or harm in my life? What does this say about that person?
• develop your ability to listen closely to your intuition, that inner voice that should guide you, which includes your personal moral compass, your values, beliefs and views in life. Never ignore the nagging feelings even if your brain tries to trick you into thinking it's all OK. If your inner voice tells you it doesn't feel right, it feels negative, it affects my feelings towards the person, always listen to it and act. Your intuition is there to protect you.

I'm afraid that after dealing with a porn addict in my first marriage (relationship of 16+ years) it is an absolute hard line for me- I could not be in a relationship with anyone who uses porn.

It is insidious, it pollutes everything, every interaction and every behaviour.

I am lucky to have found a man now who is the total opposite of all that, but I'm afraid for my ex, the damage had been done in his early teens before we even met and nothing would ever change it.

Absolutely This. 👆🏽

Lovely! Get rid and leave him to his w*nking. 🤮

I second reading the book 'Your brain on porn' Highlights the damage it does from a neurological point of view. I would place my life savings on this man not only being a porn addict but a cheat too. He may even visit escorts.

I would absolutely leave because this will become as much your problem and erode your self-esteem.

@burnout1993 has it spot on.

You will not be able to fix him. It's not your job and it will cost you a lot in terms of your sanity, peace and happiness. It's excellent that you've found this out about him sooner rather than later Breaking up may be painful in the short term but once you've been through a grieving phase you can move on with your life and find someone who doesn't lie and deceive.

It's incredible. As I said previously, I'm not anti porn, I'm anti extremist use, and it's becoming rampant. Those of us whom have been involved in the adult industry need to acknowledge that the way it is marketed by streaming sites, and the accessibility for just about everything you can imagine, is a recipe for disaster. We have got to start campaigns for responsible use in the same way we do with gambling and the like.

But I don't think that will ever happen, and the result of that is really fucking terrifying.