Don't know how to navigate being NC with my twin sister this Christmas

[yellowcourgette]

Hi,

There's a big backstory but I don't want this to be 3,472 pages long, so in short, I have taken the very difficult decision to go essentially NC with my identical twin since she was awful to me (again) when I visited her with my parents over the summer. I decided that I could no longer be treated poorly by her, that our relationship was mostly based on competitiveness and jealousy, and it had reached the point that my mental health was extremely poor as a result.

Along with my own sadness, which my parents don't really seem to see, I am really struggling with the guilt and emotional blackmail from my parents to 'put it all behind me' and 'make up'. This isn't something I can do; I've hurried my feelings for too long to protect others and I simply can't do it anymore. My parents have made it very clear how much I'm hurting them and how sad they are, and I feel immense pressure and guilt for not sucking it all up again. She's my identical twin so a very difficult relationship to just throw away.

I am absolutely dreading tomorrow. Mum and dad keep making subtle references despite me saying I don't want to be included with talks with my sister, and apparently she has bought me a present. I just haven't engaged with her at all for several months. Apparently she has tried to get in touch but this has been a single mwssgae through Facebook and a missed call - if she really wanted to get in touch she could do so easily and I expect both the 'contact' and present are to look like the hurt/bigger person.

I think my silence speaks for itself, but I haven't actually told her I don't want a relationship with her anymore.

Can anyone offer any advice, both to get through tomorrow and my parents, and for longer term? Should I send her a letter? Should I instead go minimal contact? Do I wish her a happy Christmas? I am only just holding it together and I can feel my parents' sadness and I feel so awful. Yet noone property recognises my sister's behaviour and I haven't had an apology.

Sorry this ended up being long anyway!

I have no useful advice

Your DP are probably desperate for it all to be swept away because they can't face the truth.

How hard for you, it sounds like for this to work you also need to lower contact with your parents, which I can't imagine they will accept graciously. Take care.

I would not send a letter this can be shown to others misconstrued etc. Maybe you could go low contact try grey Rock method it depends how strong you feel. Im so sorry this has happened to you. Big hugs

Why are you spending Christmas with them ? If you really don’t want to see her, then don’t go. Just see your parents when she’s not there. I cannot fathom why anyone would do this to themselves ???

How old are you, OP?

I might be wrong but perhaps you are young.. The young feel slights very strongly and with passion.

The only thing I’d say is that a sister can be a wonderful ally, especially as parents grow old and need help. If truly you can’t imagine talking to her again, then fair enough. But if there’s a glimmer of hope, please make up regardless of rights and wrongs and who apologises. I give thanks daily that my sisters were around to help navigate some awful circumstances this year.

Believe me, I fully appreciate and want a sister.ni have tried so hard over the years, but when you are left having panic attacks and feeling suicidal then losing the relationship becomes the lesser evil. I cannot begin to explain how crushed I am over this, and how hard it is for me. My parents try not to 'take sides' and make excuses for her behaviour but this just invalidates me.

I am 36. I have ADHD so do struggle with big emotions. My sister either doesn't believe that I have mental health issues or disregards them and is very clever and mean with how she treats me, fully knowing what pushes my buttons and gets a rise out of me. Being together is so hard that I cannot do it anymore unless she recognises her behaviour and changes.

It is very difficult to understand an identical twin relationship and it is not all the 'best friends' crap that everyone says it is. Sure, some are like that. But they can be exceptionally hard for everyone to navigate and can be the perfect storm for developing difficult behaviours and struggles.

Same with my sister this year. She’s been awful to all of us and I’ve finally said no more. Now I’m the awful one and been told I’m making my mum ill and I’ve been told to just forget it and move on. Which I won’t.

My only advice is stand your ground and do what’s best for you. Your parents won’t ever see your point of view, they still see you as children that should just get along. As an adult (I’m assuming?) you don’t have to do this anymore.

I remember your previous posts (or someone else here is a very similar dynamic with your twin) she's a bully pure and simple.

Sorry I didn't elaborate. She lives in the US. I am still in the UK with my parents. This all came to a head when we all visited in the summer and I was essentially bullied. It was extremely traumatic and I haven't healed from it at all, and I cannot pretend that she likes me. I think she actively hates me, she has so much contempt for me and wants to see me suffer, but will do it sneakily and play my parents off me. It is absolutely awful and I can hand on heart say that I have tried my best but I don't have any fight left.

Sadly I cannot imagine low contact with my parents. Whilst we also have some unhealthy parts of our relationship, particularly with my mum, they are a huge support to me and I couldn't cope without them as I struggle from poor mental health and have a mental disability that makes life really hard. I am working through some of this with a psychiatrist and am learning to recognise poor behaviour, which is mostly the reason why I have finally said no more to my sister.

Yep, this. I feel so guilty. My mum is just crying about it. But that said, it seems to be all on me to 'make up' and they refuse to call my sister up on her behaviour. They enable it and make excuses. They also say they don't want to be involved l, but then want to go on about how sad it is for them and to push me to 'fix' it. one of the hardest things for me was watching my mum be sweet and kind to my sister after helping me come out of a panic attack my sister caused. They say they don't want to pick sides, but that's not how being neutral works in a family relationship.

Anyway I am just going over old ground and making myself upset. I just need some way to cope tomorrow with my mum and dad reminding me how much I'm upsetting everyone and how lovely it was of my sister to send me a present and how it shows she truly cares about me 🙄

Thanks, it's awful isn't it. I think my tactic is going to be to just leave with my dog when they do their video call. I think I will message her to say thanks for the present, or should I decline it?

I just need to remind myself that life is bloody hard sometimes. This has really brought me to the edge of whether I can even cope with life anymore, the future just seems to be parents dying and no family apart from this toxic mess and endless guilt and I am absolutely not strong enough to deal with it.

I also feel like a coward for not talking to her properly about it but I can't face the backlash from her. And I do feel so so guilty hurting my poor parents.

Perhaps you need to grey rock your parents when they bring it up.

"You have chosen to support sister over me because you don't call out her bullying behaviour so let's not discuss it anymore", when they carry on "I'm not prepared to discuss it, I've told you how I feel".

"Sister owes me a hugely apology and kindness, buying a gift doesn't negate that"

Etc etc.

Basically have boundaries with your parents regarding your sister?

This is so familiar. I have an older sibling that is causing me grief. So much has been said that is hurtful.

My parents have been subject to some of the behaviour so at least I'm believed.

I vacillate between thinking I'm grown up and can do what I want to just keep the peace.

I've tried grey rock and will probably continue to do so. I also worry about ageing parents. How will we navigate everything with such a strained relationship.

So I'm reading with interest!

@RandomMess that's great advice. I have been able to do a bit of this but not enough. Probably because partially I want to vent and cry about it and be understood and hugged by my mum and for the pain and blame to stop. But I also recognise that I am putting them in an impossible position, or at least a position that they are not willing to take.

I have repeatedly said I don't want to talk about it, so I think when it comes up I will use some of your phrases which may get the point across a bit better.

So what has she done that upsets you so badly? It's obviously quite drastic if you actually want to cut contact. Have you explained to the dm and dp exactly what the problem is?

I agree with this. Grey rock your parents when they bring up your sister. You can have a close relationship with them still and discuss other things but refuse to allow them to gaslight you over your sister's behaviour.

Can you give us some idea of how your sister bullies you? It might give us some clue about how to suggest you handle it.

NC means NC
Tell your parents you are not having contact with her and do not want them to mediate/act as flying monkeys
Take dog out for walk when she calls
Do not accept her present/return it to her/regift/donate to charity
If you want an apology/LC in future
Send her a letter saying why you are going non contact - not doing so is cruel/gives her no closure - telling her why gives her chance to respond and make amends. If that happens, bridges may be built. If not, then you were right to go NC.

It is really hard to get across her behaviour and how bad it is, because it's essentially been years and years of bullying and manipulation and pushing my buttons to make me appear unhinged and like I'm overreacting. An example is something like not showing me how to use the washing machine in her house to get clothes ready for a trip, and repeatedly asking and being ignored to the point where I get frustrated and upset. Or refusing to stop at a shop to get sanitary products and only letting me go to the expensive shop to force me to spend more money. Hiding things that I need or locking then away and watching me panic and saying she doesn't have time to help me look for them. Giving me a gift and a time limit to open it, and when I physically can't (she sent it to my parents over lockdown) telling me how selfish and mean I am and how I don't give a shit about anyone and how hard she worked on it. It's all individually very petty and childish, but the sum accumulation is that I feel on edge, bullied, controlled, and she will constantly manipulate situations to make me upset and then call me out on being unhinged. It's been years and years and my anxiety around it is awful. I have tried to hard to be the bigger person and be kind but it doesn't work. Our messages over the years repeat the same cycle of her insulting me and me asking her to stop. I've never once called her a bad person or insulted her, just asked for kindness.

I don’t feel I can give an opinion about bullying, there’s not enough information about what your sister has actually done.

it might help you tomorrow just to give her space where possible and aim for polite and superficial rather then sharing personal things about yourself. Say less rather then more, ask others questions instead

I originally went NC with my sister after years of her constant criticism, advice and toxic bullying. Our Mum was devastated, said it was making her ill and trying to interfere...... Dad thankfully just stayed out of it. We're having to be in contact now as our Dad is terminally ill but it's on my terms and not hers. We've got a Whatsapp chat but I've turned the notifications off and answer it when I'm good and ready to.

Time does make it easier - I'd say minimal contact is the easiest option; fake a smile and try to imagine coating yourself in teflon so nothing that they say or do can break through your skin. I would never give her the satisfaction of a reaction as that's all she's after from me.

This is a good technique .. when she’s nice, give her your attention and time but when she’s unkind, don't give her your time or attention, instead little engagement and take yourself off somewhere

Hi, I just want to add another frustrated voice in so you know you aren't in it alone. My sisters behaviour towards me is and always has been appalling. I have tried various strategies, but none have really worked. I would love love love to be permanently NC with her, but currently the circumstances within the family don't allow for it. I may end up spending Christmas alone if I put my foot down, and I honestly wouldn't care but then I'd be blamed when it's not my fault.

Solidarity

@Badger1970 that sounds really good advice.

My sibling is as you describe yours. Was there a point where you 'snapped'?

Mine seems unaware of the hurt despite my (very long) last message asking them to lay off.