Don't know how to navigate being NC with my twin sister this Christmas

[yellowcourgette]

Hi,

There's a big backstory but I don't want this to be 3,472 pages long, so in short, I have taken the very difficult decision to go essentially NC with my identical twin since she was awful to me (again) when I visited her with my parents over the summer. I decided that I could no longer be treated poorly by her, that our relationship was mostly based on competitiveness and jealousy, and it had reached the point that my mental health was extremely poor as a result.

Along with my own sadness, which my parents don't really seem to see, I am really struggling with the guilt and emotional blackmail from my parents to 'put it all behind me' and 'make up'. This isn't something I can do; I've hurried my feelings for too long to protect others and I simply can't do it anymore. My parents have made it very clear how much I'm hurting them and how sad they are, and I feel immense pressure and guilt for not sucking it all up again. She's my identical twin so a very difficult relationship to just throw away.

I am absolutely dreading tomorrow. Mum and dad keep making subtle references despite me saying I don't want to be included with talks with my sister, and apparently she has bought me a present. I just haven't engaged with her at all for several months. Apparently she has tried to get in touch but this has been a single mwssgae through Facebook and a missed call - if she really wanted to get in touch she could do so easily and I expect both the 'contact' and present are to look like the hurt/bigger person.

I think my silence speaks for itself, but I haven't actually told her I don't want a relationship with her anymore.

Can anyone offer any advice, both to get through tomorrow and my parents, and for longer term? Should I send her a letter? Should I instead go minimal contact? Do I wish her a happy Christmas? I am only just holding it together and I can feel my parents' sadness and I feel so awful. Yet noone property recognises my sister's behaviour and I haven't had an apology.

Sorry this ended up being long anyway!

The sad thing is that I think sometimes she thinks she's right, and I'm the one that's wrong as the mentally ill emotionally fucked up one. She has long standing complex issues around control and eating disorders and is completely inflexible, and a lot of issues can be attributed to this, and I do feel sorry for her. But I also have troubles and I don't use them as an excuse to be mean to my family.

I am so undecided about the present - this is essentially what happened during the last present fiasco which came after a falling out again down to her being awful to me and me not wanting to be in touch because I was so hurt. A lot of it is performative to come across as the bigger person but it doesn't mean anything.

I wouldn't trust your parents to support you in this, as they might be the root cause of some of the issues.

Were you dressed in the same clothes as kids? Did you go to the same class in school? Were you encouraged to do the same hobbies?
I'm asking as a twin, who is very grateful to her parents as we were always encouraged to find our own ways, own self and never put into competitive situations.

I hear you re the hurt. I have literally spelled it out to my parents about how it has affected me, made me suicidal and currently in counselling. They don't seem able to acknowledge it and instead just reply saying how sad it is for them. It would be so much easier and comforting if I had some recognition for the pain but it's like they are blind to it. Their excuse is that they don't want to pick sides.

You have my heartfelt sympathies. I went NC with my twin a couple of years ago.

Even though very close when younger, in each other's pocket close, we've grown to have very different lifestyles, attitudes, choices, etc. On my part very much dictated by health conditions, which have had a profound effect.
Her mean, petty, snide behaviors and comments have hurt me so much over the years, some of it is so insidious that I have wondered if I'm going mad or imaging it, but I have normal healthy relationships in every other facet of my life, so have slowly concluded it is not me.
I decided that I didn't want to keep being hurt. Our parents are upset by it, just don't see the behavior and keep trying to 'mend' the relationship. But I feel less distressed by the situation. not completely at ease, but not churned up by it all the time. It does get easier, but a twin is such a unique bond that it's painful.
Biggest hugs 💐

In situations similar to yours OP, I find I get most personal benefit by writing it all down (in Notes on the Ipad or similar).
I add to it as I remember all the difficulties and stresses caused by the perpetrator, and also arrange it in rough date order.

Firstly it helps me “let go” to a degree and also lets me sleep.
Secondly, when the perpetrator reaches out from time to time as they always do to try and continue the relationship (and when I then start doubting myself and my reasoning) I re-read the log of what they have done - it is shocking to see it in black and white, I gain some comfort and it confirms for me that I have absolutely every reason NOT to acquiesce to their requests and remain NC.

Aww. OP. I've been NC with my identical twin for 8 years. She too bullied/criticised me, put me down. My parents chose not to see it. Its tough. The first year and first christmas and birthday are the hardest. What to do? Nothing.
You don't react. If you do, you'll be the one in tears. And it will be your fault, even if you're only defending yourself.
Try googling 'grey rock' technique, this really helped me deal with twin. And parents. If parents try to guilt you into contact with all that 'its family' shit, I usually say that family doesnt mean people are allowed to treat me like shit.
Explain your boundaries-you're NC for your own mental health. And repeat.
If they don't listen, please don't let them disrespect your feelings. You can leave.

Are you going to family for Christmas? Will she be there?

The hurt never goes away. I've had counselling too (this means I am weak according to her). You learn to adapt. My parents, my mum was attacked by controlling twin, my Dad just wants his girls to get along.
Time does make this easier though, so hang in there.
Did anyone else's twin refer to you as 'spare kidney and blood'?

Your parents are - sadly - as much a part of the problem as your sister

any normal person would hear your side and be horrified and so what they can to help you

im sorry, know that’s not something that you will want to hear, I’ve got my own family issues

youll have to tell them straight that your sister has gone out of her way to hurt and upset you and you’re not just going to forgive her because it makes their life easier.

if they’re not going to support you on this, then it’ll damage your relationship with them too, so if they don’t want that, they need to park it if they can’t actually support you when your sister has been so mean.

then you really do need to step back from them all. Just a bit. For your own sake.

Thanks so much everyone, particularly the last few posters @SpongepantsSquareBob and @LemonadeSunshine and @SenoritaNaturista who have shared similar stories. I often feel like a complete failure for not being able to have a close loving relationship with my sister and the fact that other people have found it hard or impossible too comforts me. You've given me the strength to get through tomorrow and I will be polite when I have to and separate when I can.

I'm going to have a nice G&T and some cheese and watch something funny on telly. Tomorrow my completely mad collie can take me on a walk for a distraction. And thank god for the time difference!!

This sounds really hard! Thank goodness you are separated by geography. Imagine if there was the risk of bumping into her in Tescos...

I don't get on brilliantly with my sister and my parents don't accept it. It is tough and I tried for ages before giving up and accepting it couldn't be much of a relationship.

Good luck tomorrow. The dog is going to urgently need a walk during the video call, right?

You're not a failure. You're you and deserve to be treated with respect by those who are supposed to love you. Just remember that! Good luck and Merry Christmas!
You sound so like me years ago! If I can do this so can you! Since NC I've got married, had a kid, passed my driving test-all things twin said I'd never do cos who'd want me? Be free, be you!
Enjoy collie walk! I had a collie, the best dogs!

Definitely go for a walk when she's chatting to your parents. Repeat to them you now NC with her and they need to respect that

Much much older than the poster but identical twin issues can go on for life.mine still is making me ill.

My elderly DM had a massive breakdown two years ago, caused in large part by her twin's harassment of her. Multiple phone calls daily, being nasty when DM wanted to get off the phone, myriad small aggressions over many, many years. It sounds petty, but the cumulative effect was DM's complete mental collapse, resulting in a fortnight's hospitalisation, and ongoing psychiatric care.

DM had about a year of NC, and is now relatively LC. Speak maybe twice a week, see each other monthly for a short visit. The two things that have changed are my aunt being absolutely traumatised by DM's breakdown and ongoing mental illness, and my DM now being able to clearly articulate boundaries around contact.

Twinship is extraordinary, and while I believe my DM and her sister share a deep love, it's also been a very toxic relationship.

How did it go OP?

Hi OP, I'm also NC with my twin...could have written a few of your posts myself, unfortunately. Christmas always difficult, but better than birthdays haha. Hope today went ok for you. It's tough.

Hope it all went alright for you. I know it’s difficult but you’re not alone in dealing with this. Sad it’s so common.