hi,
my head is spinning trying to make sense of the situation I've found myself in and I'm hoping some advice will clarify things for me. I'm in a classic LTB situation but with complications:
the current reasons to LTB is that he does absolutely nothing and is mean. I work part time in a demanding role, I do 100% of all childcare and 100% of all housework (cooking cleaning laundry, bills, cars, events, holidays, repairs everything). Despite me being in therapy for over 4 years and working on communicating my needs to him, he's unwilling to change. I host his family several times a year, for weeks on end. They're not awful people but won't tolerate a word against him. He's hostile to my family and won't let me have any family/ friends in the house without either tantrums or being directly rude to them. He will never watch the kids (ever) and won't have babysitters in the house, we have no family locally so I can never go out without the kids. There's much more but this is the tip of the iceberg. I juggle all of this and maintain a facade of a happy, functional family but im crumbling. I've developed several health issues and been in therapy for years. I barely have the energy to care for my kids, run the home and show up at work. I'm surviving, barely.
initially, I didn't leave because I thought he could change. Despite solo counselling for him, medication (which he took on and off and was my responsibility to sort out) and many open conversations, he hasn't changed. After that, I felt trapped as a SAHM to two very young DC. As soon ad I could, I returned to work and have built a decent career - now where near as stellar as his but sufficient. I was finally ready to consider leaving and saw a divorce lawyer, leading me to my current dilemma.
DH and I immigrated to the UK from our home country. We married in our home country and are both nationals. Our home country applies Sharia law and so DH would get sole custody of DC. I spoke to a lawyer and he said the only way to prevent DH filing in our home country is to apply for a child arrangements order. However, DH is very aggressive when provoked and this would certainly provoke him. Not just that, but the child arrangements order would apply to both parents. All my family, including my elderly parents, are abroad. So I would never be able to return home. I've even considered a refuge/ moving away but my work is quite niche - if I continued in this industry he could easily find me. His family is very influential in our home country and have previously made threats against my parents/ siblings in my home country who I could not protect. Again, DH and his family have form for vindictiveness and I'm scared to provoke him.
if we were to divorce in the UK, he would be very likely to get at least some custody of our children. The lawyer advised that it was a high bar to prove that contact with a parent would be detrimental to children's welfare. This is where it gets really tricky. He has verbally and emotionally battered me for years, but immediately after I had DC1, he also physically and sexually abused me. He has 'reformed' and not done anything of the sort for over 6 years but I have an indelible fear of what he might be capable of in sole charge of the DC. I don't have any evidence for any of this so it would be his word against mine and he's a very very skilled manipulator. I'm not sure if the DC could even give any reliable evidence - he feeds them lines sometimes. For example, if I say no to screen time etc, he say 'Mummy is so mean to you, is she a mean angry person?' My son has taken to innocently repeating these lines. I confide in my therapist and she agreed I was right to be very wary of him getting custody of the DC.
my plan is to eke out a life until my children are old enough to not require child custody arrangements but I'm not sure I can make it that long and I'm also terrified of the impact on my children. If relevant, he comes from a wealthy family who could and might finance a lengthy legal battle.
thanks to anyone who read this far, any advice would be gratefully received.