Brother's wedding and abusive parent

[ConfusedWhatIShouldThink]

My brother is getting married next year. He's asked me to be his "best person" which is so lovely, I'm really touched.

He is getting married abroad so me and my children will be going and are trying to help them organise everything etc. He has also recently mentioned - belatedly - to me that he is having a UK celebration because obviously many UK friends won't make it to the foreign location.

However, me and my children are not invited to this and I'm not sure how I feel about this. If I am his best person, how am I excluded from half of the wedding, and my children, his nieces and nephews? This will still be quite a big celebration and lots of family/ friends I've not seen in ages either.

The reasoning for this is that he plans to invite my abusive mother to this, who I am NC with (have been for over a decade now). If relevant, the reason for this was emotional abuse from her throughout my entire childhood, her knowing her husband was physically and sexually abusive to me from aged 12 onwards but calling me a liar when I tried to talk about it and her lying to the police when they asked why I was bruised etc, allowing him to ignore me like I did not exist for months at a time, taking my other siblings on holidays and leaving me at home, locking me out of the house regularly and ultimately forcing me to leave home during my GCSEs. Then blaming me for it all.

My brother has decided it's fine for her to go to one celebration and me the other and it's just brought up so many feelings for me. It's his wedding, I know he can do what he wants. I guess ultimately I don't even understand how he's even still in contact with her knowing what she did to me. I wouldn't be in contact with our parent if they'd done that to him. So to exclude us from something so that my abuser can attend and then hide hat this was even happening for ages then try to pass it off as nothing just seems awful to me. Idk. I'd welcome other people's views on how they'd react to this.

Tbh if we'd been invited I'd probably have declined. Or actually just have tried to find a nanny to stay with my children but gone myself still (the main reason I finally got myself together to cut contact with her was because I could not let her be around children, so my children have never met her). But just not inviting us, and inviting her instead knowing how she abused me, I can't help but feel very hurt and that he doesn't really care about what she did to me.

Anyone? I could really do with some advice on how to think about this.

Hi op, I'm so sorry you had to go through this and it makes complete sense that you feel upset. Can you sit down with your brother and just say to him that you understand its his wedding to organise a he sees fit but that you feel upset about his choice to invite your mum over you given that he's aware of her previous abuse towards you and you wanted to chat to clear the air with him because you care about the relationship you have with him. Maybe he could explain his logic.

Things I'm wondering are, is her abuse common knowledge or would her not being invited generate questions on the day that might be difficult for him or you to answer?

Does he know and understand the full extent of the abuse or does he perceive it differently to you, perhaps he feels she did it because she was also abused by the partner at the time and therefore didn't have the same strength of feeling towards her as you (rightly) have.

Or does he feel obligated to invite her so that his mum is present regardless of his feelings on what has happened in the past?

It sounds like he has genuinely tried to think of a solution that would suit you as well and he clearly cares about you and wants you very involved in all other aspects of his wedding. I think you're best talking to him about it directly even maybe without the expectation of him changing anything about it at this stage just so you can understand his decision to arrange it this way? It does sound like he's tried to protect you in his own way - why should you have to be in the same room as her after everything.

For what its worth I think fair play to you for standing up for yourself and your children and going nc.

I don't have any wise words but sending hugs x

Thank you @Cw112, I think it's probably a combination of those things. He is fair bit younger than me so while he'saware of what she did and horrified by it, he doesn't remember much of it. But he knows that she let it all happen, and that even now she's still even in denial even though she's divorced from the husband that did it. I think in different ways he's still controlled by her so he's doing this because he thinks it's "fair", as if we've just had a falling out or something, not that she terrorised me as a child. I am only managing to process it all now really with therapy at nearly 40. So perhaps it's not a shock that, still in her orbit, he still doesn't realise just how horrific it is that she did that to a child.

My brother is lovely but can get very defensive if he feels criticised so I'm worried to raise it with him as I think he might get upset and take it the wrong way. 😔 I have always tried to make sure he wasn't in the middle of things with her, and she has done the opposite (pressuring him for informatiom about me and my address etc). This is his celebration and I really don't want to make it about my issues, so it's hard to know how to raise it.

Thank you.

The problem is she plays the innocent victim in all of this. But she wasn't, at all. And I think maybe he hasn't realised that yet.

She wasn't anused by her ex-husband either. Her claim is that she was oblivious to it all but that is completely untrue because she was actively involved in a lot of it.

They are condoning the abuse - don't have anything to do with them til they grow up and start acknowledging what happened.

It's so difficult. I know he probably feels very stuck and has tried to find a way that won't make things difficult for anybody. It must be hard for him. I guess it's maybe just that the situation has made it impossible for me to ignore that he is still happy to spend time with her like nothing happened, and even in this case prioritise her over us despite what she did. I think having children of my own made me realise just how horrifying her behaviour to me was, it magnified it all. Maybe when he has his own children and feels that unconditional love and how you'd do anything to protect them, it will make him see it all more clearly, too.

I can imagine this was very hard for him. He likely doesn’t feel that same way about your mum - he probably will eventually, but he isn’t there yet. If he didn’t invite your mum, then it would likely force their relationship into a different place, and he may not be ‘there’ with your mum yet.
He has honoured his relationship with you in a really lovely way, so I think the default position is to invite her and not you to the party. Try not to forget that it is you that he has chosen to be by his side on this most important day. The party is secondary- you would be putting him in an awful position if you basically pushed him into uninviting your mum ( which is what talking to him would amount to).

Honestly, I’d keep quiet about it- anything else is unfair to your brother

That's kind of been my take on it so far @Dotcheck, that he has to come to the realisation about who she really is himself. I don't want to be involved in that, or stop him having her there. I don't want to see her. So probably wouldn't go anyway. Not being invited and it being hidden from me that it was even happening was hurtful. I don't know why he did that. He does shirk anything he finds difficult emotionally - she's damaged him too but in different ways. I think I probably do just need to nurse my hurt and let it lie. But didn't know how to even talk to myself about it, I didn't know if I was being unfair to even feel hurt when this is his celebration so should do what he wants, so this conversation is really helpful, to help to frame it better in my mind. I know he's not hurting me on purpose.

What, cut off contact with my brother too? I couldn't do that. None of this is his fault and he is the much adored Uncle of my children.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home ( not like yours, but still bad. ) Each of us probably thought that we had it the worst, and it came between us. We are only now starting to genuinely appreciate each others position. It’s part of the the ripple affect of abuse-where you don’t always see past your own horror to really understand that others were messed up too.

Your abuse was very very clear, and easy to label but your brother was raised by a woman who let abuse happen. He’s probably been so gas lit, and for such a long time that it may be awhile until he makes sense of it.

It isn’t fair though - none of it is

I'm so sorry you experienced that. How awful.

Yes, you're right. Maybe it's all affected him too much more than I have realised. Maybe more than he has realised yet, as well. 😕

It's all just so desperately sad. I wish things didn't have to be this way.

Thank you for your insight @Dotcheck

You say that you don't know how to talk to yourself about this'. And so I hope that this process of writing it out and exploring is helpful, as no doubt you will be having Xmas break from therapy.

"Not being invited and it being hidden from me that it was even happening was hurtful. I don't know why he did that. He does shirk anything he finds difficult emotionally - she's damaged him too but in different ways. "

Quoting this back to you, because you do know why , you say it in the next sentence. He probably knew that whichever way he dealt with the situation would be difficult and hurtful for you, so he avoided as much as possible.

Take some time, you sound like you are being very measured in your response, finding understanding of your brother's position when it is so devastating for you. Of course it's painful, be kind to yourself, you'll find a way through

I don't have any advice, I'm so sorry for what you were put through, being let down so badly by the one person you should have been able to count on I'm NC from my mum too, for different reasons. I could never understand how she did what she did, I can't fathom putting my DC through that. As a mum it's incomprehensible to me how a mother could turn a blind eye to and collaborate with abuse. She's a disgusting human being and I hope your brother see's that one day.

In your position I’d refuse to have any role in his wedding at all and explain to him why. I couldn’t get past the fact he still wants to associate with her. I think you’re being far too lenient with him.

This is exactly how I feel about it. It's all even more incomprehensible to me now I'm a mother myself. I think it's all very raw for me at the moment because I'm finally getting the trauma therapy that I need, after burying it for decades, and unfortunately the timing of me trying to work through it all has coincided with my brother's wedding and this situation. While rationally I can see that he was trying to keep everyone happy, I don't think he has any idea how much this has hurt me.

Isn't that really unkind to him though? When he's also been damaged more than he even seems to realise by being raised in such a toxic environment? I don't want to destroy my relationship with him, or the relationship my children have with him, or ruin the joy of his wedding planning and make it about my mother.

But yes when the celebration is going on, us all being at home and knowing that she is there with them acting the loving mother, will be very hard. Maybe I'll try to take my children away on a holiday or something instead while they're doing this.

Yes, you're right: I guess I answered my own question. It has helped to put my thoughts down here rather than just have sad feelings swirling around in my mind. I really appreciate all the kind and thoughtful responses.

I do understand that he’s also been damaged, I have experience of abusive parents although not to the terrible extent you’ve endured and I’m glad you’re getting therapy. You could view it as unkind or you could see it as drawing a boundary and putting your needs first. It feels like it would be quite a damaging compromise for you to play happy families at one ceremony, knowing another will happen with your abuser/abuser’s enabler there. You don’t have to be combative about it, just say to your brother that while he wants his mother involved you don’t feel you can be. What he does with that information is up to him.