Brother's wedding and abusive parent

[ConfusedWhatIShouldThink]

My brother is getting married next year. He's asked me to be his "best person" which is so lovely, I'm really touched.

He is getting married abroad so me and my children will be going and are trying to help them organise everything etc. He has also recently mentioned - belatedly - to me that he is having a UK celebration because obviously many UK friends won't make it to the foreign location.

However, me and my children are not invited to this and I'm not sure how I feel about this. If I am his best person, how am I excluded from half of the wedding, and my children, his nieces and nephews? This will still be quite a big celebration and lots of family/ friends I've not seen in ages either.

The reasoning for this is that he plans to invite my abusive mother to this, who I am NC with (have been for over a decade now). If relevant, the reason for this was emotional abuse from her throughout my entire childhood, her knowing her husband was physically and sexually abusive to me from aged 12 onwards but calling me a liar when I tried to talk about it and her lying to the police when they asked why I was bruised etc, allowing him to ignore me like I did not exist for months at a time, taking my other siblings on holidays and leaving me at home, locking me out of the house regularly and ultimately forcing me to leave home during my GCSEs. Then blaming me for it all.

My brother has decided it's fine for her to go to one celebration and me the other and it's just brought up so many feelings for me. It's his wedding, I know he can do what he wants. I guess ultimately I don't even understand how he's even still in contact with her knowing what she did to me. I wouldn't be in contact with our parent if they'd done that to him. So to exclude us from something so that my abuser can attend and then hide hat this was even happening for ages then try to pass it off as nothing just seems awful to me. Idk. I'd welcome other people's views on how they'd react to this.

I see what you're saying. I think if it was only me maybe I could do that. I know my boundaries need work and I'm trying to work on that. My worry is that in this case it involves my children, too. Doing as you suggest could easily trash my relationship with my brother, and that would also hurt my children so much. We don't have much extended family and they adore him. So in a way putting my needs first here and risking that ruining their relationship with him, and definitely causing a huge family drama, seems quite selfish?

It is his wedding and I also think he might buckle down out of defensiveness - however it is phrased I think if I said what you suggest he'd view this as an ultimatum to "choose" me or his mother, and then perhaps be even less likely to come to the realisation himself of how abusive she is. Part of the problem is he is still conditioned by her abuse, he is a doormat in all his relationships (including with his fiancée unfortunately). He definitely needs therapy, too, but obviously that's for him to realise and I am not sure me forcing the issue will help. I mean, if I did as you suggest what are his options then? I don't want to ruin his wedding or make it about her.

On the other hand, asking me to be his best person - which I was so touched by - feels rather hollow now because it feels like he just did that to kind of "make up" (in his eyes) for the fact that we'd miss half of the wedding because he wants my abuser there to celebrate. It does make me feel quite sick and I know on the day it takes place I will really, really struggle. And then to go to the other part of the wedding and pretend that it's all fine, it will be hard.

She wouldn't have gone to that part anyway as she refuses to travel. So she's not missing out on anything. But me and my children are, because of what she did. And it is quite hard to get past the feeling that we're being "punished" for her behaviour.

I mean, @TedMullins how would you actually phrase that to him? That if we're excluded from half of it to invite her then we won't participate at all. In my heart I feel this is what I should do, for once in my life to put myself first. But I don't even know how to do it without causing huge damage.

Ultimately you’ve got to do what you feel is right but without neglecting your own needs too much. I’m probably not the best person to advise as my approach to life is to put myself first 100% of the time and I don’t have kids which makes that infinitely easier.

Have you ever just sat down with your brother and had a discussion about your mother’s abuse and how you feel about her? Not to try and make him cut her off, but just opening up about your experiences and explaining why this is so difficult for you. Of course that may be painful. You genuinely sound like a lovely thoughtful person who cares deeply about your brother despite this huge mother-shaped rift between you and that in itself is commendable. Maybe your therapist is a better person to run through some options with?

I mean, speaking purely from my own perspective I would issue an ultimatum but that’s me, and you’re not me. I guess all I can say is protect and respect yourself because you’ve suffered enough in your childhood and you matter.

Does your SIL-to-be know what the situation is regarding your DM?

I’m your shoes I’d try to compartmentalise all this and be his “best woman” with all the love in your heart for him. The wedding will be the best bit, the most significant part & your kids will love it.
Make plans to do something lovely with your children on the party day. Something really special. Push the boat out if you can afford to. Don’t sit around moping. A distraction will help you get through it.
After the dust settles you can look back happily on the day you gave to your little family & his party will seem insignificant. Further on you can tell him how devastated you were and hopefully discuss it quietly but I think in time he will see her for what she is, especially when he has children.
Breathe deep and let it go. It’ll all come out in the wash. You’ll see. Chin up.

Yes she does. I am not sure to what extent though. It's been referred to in conversation in front of her that my mother is abusive and she has engaged in that conversation but have not gone into details with her present so I do not know how much my brother has told her.

I think perhaps this is what I'll have to do. I will need to say something, but yes probably some time afterwards because I don't want to ruin it all for him. I want him to be happy.

I don't even know when the date of this is but my father and step mother are here with us now for Christmas (and they are going to both celebrations) so I may ask them (after my brother and future-SIL have left to visit future SIL's family), and then book something lovely for me and my children to do that weekend, maybe a ferry over to France or something.

I mean, speaking purely from my own perspective I would issue an ultimatum but that’s me, and you’re not me. I guess all I can say is protect and respect yourself because you’ve suffered enough in your childhood and you matter.

Thank you @TedMullins. I don't think I can do what you're suggesting because of the consequences for everyone, but I do really appreciate your perspective and advice and I will work on my boundaries more. I don't think I can draw this line here though, it would just add even more pain to a whole lifetime of it, for me and my brother.

I am no contact with my mother and my sister still sees
her.

it hasn’t been a problem for me so far but I do worry about what happens when one of my niblings gets married etc.

i think the key thing to remember is that your brother will have his own dynamic to deal with that will be very different to yours.

he has clearly indicated that you’re important to him.

i would acknowledge my hurt and not try to repress it - but I’d try to not let it impact on my relationship with you me brother

Yes! The ferry to France sounds a great idea. Do you have a good reliable friend to go with you? Needs to be someone who won’t let you down & colour the day badly that way.
The children will love that! Just do it. I know from past experience this will work. A kind of “revenge?” Live your best life.

Have you ever just sat down with your brother and had a discussion about your mother’s abuse and how you feel about her? Not to try and make him cut her off, but just opening up about your experiences and explaining why this is so difficult for you. Of course that may be painful. You genuinely sound like a lovely thoughtful person who cares deeply about your brother despite this huge mother-shaped rift between you and that in itself is commendable. Maybe your therapist is a better person to run through some options with?

This is definitely food for thought, maybe for after his wedding as it is so stressful for him atm! I should probably have done that years ago. There have been a few conversations about it but I've never laid it all out that plainly. He is my baby brother still (though in his 30s now!) so I think there is still an element of me trying to protect him. He knows there was physical abuse, sexual abuse, as well as the psychological abuse he saw. But I've never gone into detail with him about it, no. Or how it affected me, partly because I don't want to make things worse for him. I will discuss this with my therapist in January when we restart.

Sorry, name change fail! 🤣

I think it would be a great way to not spend that time feeling sad. They loved it when we got the overnight ferry earlier this year. I will try to find out the date and see if I can book it. I think he said this is happening in June so will be a lovely time to visit Brittany.

Thank you so much everyone for your help and support and insights.

I am extremely lucky to have many wonderful friends but they all have young children too. I have taken them away alone though abroad before, so not worried to do that. Although if a friend is free, doing it together as two families would be even nicer. It's a good thought. I will find out the date and then ask some people. 😊 Thank you so much to everyone who has posted here and helped me to process this.