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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband giving me the silent treatment

51 replies

RoseCat · 23/12/2022 16:47

My husband has hardly spoken to me this week and it's really wearing me down. He is moody and has a sulky look on his face. I have tried to talk to him about what is wrong but he just snaps that he is fine. I told him how this is making me feel but he just sighs and walks away. I can't live like this, he has been gradually withdrawing from me over the last couple of years. He is fine with the children and his family and friends, it's just me he is like this too. I'm only 36, this is no way to live.

OP posts:
Lemonlady22 · 23/12/2022 16:51

My husband used to do this…ignoring is the best thing to do, maybe he will eventually grow up and stop acting like a silly child. Otherwise split because he’s not a nice person and you deserve better, hopefully a man who acts like an adult

Bumblebee412 · 23/12/2022 16:51

You've answered this yourself. If this is a gradual decline for years and he's not even open to talking or hearing how you feel then it's time to leave.

Trust me I know it's not that easy but I stayed in a relationship for 2 more years than I should have going through this when I should have cut my losses because me and my child are happier and actually me and her dad get on better apart and actually respect each other more. I know it doesn't always work like that but you know deep down what you need to do xx

CatherineNotSoMuch · 23/12/2022 16:57

My ex husband used to do this, usually lasted about 4 days. He was in the middle of his last one when I told him I was done. I was done and I meant it. I got Christmas over with and left him in the January. That was 15 years ago.
I've never looked back.
It's so wearing, it wears you down, and you don't actually have to live like that.
So much joy and happiness is out there OP.
Good luck

Supernormative · 23/12/2022 17:00

I had this for years with my ex. After 17 years I realised I deserved better and left. It isn't normal to be treated like that and it's considered abuse by most psychologists. It isn't your fault.

Marshmallow264 · 23/12/2022 17:05

Has he been stressed with work or anything else?

newtb · 23/12/2022 17:06

My mother used to do this. It's a form of abuse.

America12 · 23/12/2022 17:08

Marshmallow264 · 23/12/2022 17:05

Has he been stressed with work or anything else?

Would that make it ok ?

America12 · 23/12/2022 17:08

It's abuse OP , you need to decide whether to stay or not. I wouldn't.

daisychain01 · 23/12/2022 17:12

Cherchez la Femme, @RoseCat

He may be trying to engineer a negative atmosphere to make you feel vulnerable before he unveils the Grand Finale that he's never been happy and needs to go off and find himself.

Anyone over the age of 10 who sulks for over a week and won't say what's up, needs to be told to shape up or ship out.

if you've tried on several occasions to talk things through and find out what's on his mind and he doesn't want to break the deadlock he's created, then that's because he's choosing his attitude and aiming to trash your relationship.

Please don't let him spoil your Festivities, if anything be even happier and find enjoyment in everything to show him you're not getting sucked into his little game. Then after the holidays, when you've had time to think about what it is you want and need, you can start to play that out and be empowered to:make whatever change you need to get back to happiness.

BCBird · 23/12/2022 17:13

Is he usually like this? Have you ever suspected there might be someone else if u r drifting apart? Was wondering is he at home for a considerable amount of time over Christmas? Could he perhaps annoyed about not interacting with people at work? It is not acceptable behaviour

iRun2eatCake · 23/12/2022 17:15

My XH was the same. He withdrew from family life. I was walking on eggshells and so stressed/anxious all the time incase l put him in another mood with some perceived slight.

He left for OW 5 yrs ago. Honestly.... l was overjoyed. I just wish I'd been stronger to have left earlier myself.

Life is so much better now

Rustyhandlebars · 23/12/2022 17:16

No, this is no way to live. If he is a moody bugger, this is his problem. Let him take it out somewhere else.

MyNewNewlife · 23/12/2022 17:22

Match his energy and stop asking him what's wrong. If he does not attempt to fix things. Plan to leave. Life is so very short.

Dodecaheidyin · 23/12/2022 17:37

I told him how this is making me feel

Can I suggest you refrain from being so open with him? I agree with Daisychain, let him see it's not bothering you and look like you're enjoying everything but him. He's choosing to do this, he's glad it's making you unhappy, his behaviour is working for him. YOU decide what you want from your life, whilst remembering that he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's so unpleasant Flowers

Marshmallow264 · 23/12/2022 17:37

America12 · 23/12/2022 17:08

Would that make it ok ?

Show quote history

Yes 100%!!

CousinKrispy · 23/12/2022 17:39

You're right, it's no way to live, and you deserve better. Is there any chance he finds the holiday season difficult because of past bad experiences or bereavement or something? I don't think that excuses his behaviour, he should still treat you with respect and be able to explain that he just needs some quiet time as he's struggling, but that's the most charitable explanation I can think of. Or has this been building up for longer?

Puppers · 23/12/2022 17:40

Marshmallow264 · 23/12/2022 17:37

Yes 100%!!

Show quote history

No it wouldn't. A spouse is not an emotional punchbag. It's not OK to take out work stress on someone else and make their life a misery.

Original poster
RoseCat · 23/12/2022 17:44

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. He is generally a sulker if things don't go his way but usually snaps out of it quickly. This time however it really feels personal, like he wants to hurt me. He's been busy at work so I know he's tired but it's not excuse to make me feel like this. I'm taking the advice to not ask him anything more, keeping my cards close to my chest and reflecting again in the new year. It's just so draining.

OP posts:
pointythings · 23/12/2022 17:52

It is abusive behaviour, OP. And @Marshmallow264 it is never OK to stonewall someone. You need to look at your own boundaries if you think it is.

I would ignore his behaviour, do fun things with the kids and when he comes out of it, have The Talk in which you tell him that he stops this infantile sulking crap right now, never does it again and if he doesn't, he can fuck off.

mbosnz · 23/12/2022 17:53

I had my mother do this recently. She obviously thought I was going to be rushing to 'make things right', but she couldn't have been more wrong. I was perfectly cheerful, meeting all her harsh, snapped criticisms and demands with a very cheery response that also managed to make it clear that I was indulging someone having an infantile tantrum. It was SO DAMNED ENJOYABLE. Watching her frustration mount as it became so obvious, even to her, that she was making an idiot of herself, and I had absolutely no intention of stopping until she did. I didn't attempt to engage her in conversation, find out what was the matter (I knew), attempt to placate her - any of the crap she is used to and that I would normally do.

That particular tanty was a lot shorter than usual. . .

Dodecaheidyin · 23/12/2022 18:01

This time however it really feels personal, like he wants to hurt me.

Do you think he might be trying to manipulate you towards ending things with him? So he doesn't have to and can claim that he's the injured party? Do you have any feelings that he might be seeing someone else?

Original poster
RoseCat · 23/12/2022 18:09

Dodecaheidyin · 23/12/2022 18:01

This time however it really feels personal, like he wants to hurt me.

Do you think he might be trying to manipulate you towards ending things with him? So he doesn't have to and can claim that he's the injured party? Do you have any feelings that he might be seeing someone else?

Yes I do think he's trying to get me to leave him or argue with him or something so then he can claim to be the victim. I don't think he's got it in him to cheat but who knows.

OP posts:
Happygirl79 · 23/12/2022 18:17

My ex husband of some 16 years of marriage with 2 young children used to do this to try to goad me into ending our relationship so he could be the good guy and sail off into the sunset with his OW.

It worked eventually and it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
He has done exactly the same thing to the poor OW.
I think your husband is probably a weak man too and sees this as his only way out
You will be so much better without him if that's the case
Good luck

CousinKrispy · 23/12/2022 18:18

That's really dispiriting, OP. Would it help to talk to an individual counselor so you have someone to help you clarify your thoughts? Some workplaces offer this for free over the phone?

Frith2013 · 23/12/2022 18:18

New year, new start?

I'd be getting rid.