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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband giving me the silent treatment

51 replies

RoseCat · 23/12/2022 16:47

My husband has hardly spoken to me this week and it's really wearing me down. He is moody and has a sulky look on his face. I have tried to talk to him about what is wrong but he just snaps that he is fine. I told him how this is making me feel but he just sighs and walks away. I can't live like this, he has been gradually withdrawing from me over the last couple of years. He is fine with the children and his family and friends, it's just me he is like this too. I'm only 36, this is no way to live.

OP posts:
NoelNoNoel · 23/12/2022 18:22

This is emotional abuse.
Do not whatever you do try and pull him out of the silent mood, completely ignore him and stop doing anything for him.
Me and my friend call it caving.
Carry on your life as normal, text friends, see friends, watch a comedy and have a laugh. Do not give him any attention at all.

Ragruggers · 23/12/2022 18:25

I wish you well especially over Christmas .Ignore do not speak to him Enjoy your children ,cook lovely food do not include him.Do nothing for him.Hopefully you have somewhere to sleep apart from him.In the new year make plans to leave with the children.You deserve better.

movingon2022 · 23/12/2022 19:11

This is how my ex "disciplined" me. He would give me silent treatment for days, weeks, and once it lasted three months. I stayed with him over 25 years when I finally said enough is enough and left the sob. I did not realize this was abuse until I started going to therapy and my therapist named it. This does wear you down to the point were you feel physically sick. We have three kids and I did my best to hide this from them so this drained more energy from me. Whatever you decide to do, just keep in mind that this is not a normal behavior. Good luck to you.

Mary46 · 23/12/2022 19:21

Op its crap. My mother did this could last for days. Very controlling. Ive no advice. She did it to dad too if she didnt get her way. Feel for you

Computersaysno123 · 23/12/2022 19:53

So I sometimes do this. Am not abusing my partner but I've got a really weird way of dealing with stuff, I just bottle it up. It's never about my husband, It's normally something to do with my business being so hard or feeling like the kids prefer their dad to me because I work so much or something else that's nowhere near as big as I'm making it...I just go into myself and can't bring myself to say what's wrong in case I end up having a breakdown. So what I'm saying is it might not necessarily be that he's trying to upset/abuse you. Obvs it stil could be that but wanted to give another perspective

Puppers · 23/12/2022 19:58

Computersaysno123 · 23/12/2022 19:53

So I sometimes do this. Am not abusing my partner but I've got a really weird way of dealing with stuff, I just bottle it up. It's never about my husband, It's normally something to do with my business being so hard or feeling like the kids prefer their dad to me because I work so much or something else that's nowhere near as big as I'm making it...I just go into myself and can't bring myself to say what's wrong in case I end up having a breakdown. So what I'm saying is it might not necessarily be that he's trying to upset/abuse you. Obvs it stil could be that but wanted to give another perspective

If you do this to your partner (sulk, are moody and snappy and ignore them for days on end on a regular basis) then I'm afraid you are also emotionally abusive.

Computersaysno123 · 23/12/2022 19:59

@Puppers I don't sulk, I go kind of mute and am on the verge of tears. I'm not being abusive but thanks for your input

Zuve · 23/12/2022 20:01

Yes I understand and put up with him doing the silent thing. I got out and never looked back. My new hubby really knows how to look after me and loves me

Puppers · 23/12/2022 20:01

Computersaysno123 · 23/12/2022 19:59

@Puppers I don't sulk, I go kind of mute and am on the verge of tears. I'm not being abusive but thanks for your input

So you don't do the same thing as OP's husband then and your experience can't be used to explain away his abusive behaviour.

Computersaysno123 · 23/12/2022 20:02

@Puppers crikey, I was just suggesting maybe he felt like I do but I'll stand down, not up for a row which I feel you want. Good night

daisychain01 · 23/12/2022 20:06

@Computersaysno123 I won't requote your post as @Puppers has already done so, but just to say, it is brave of you to give your perspective of what's going on inside when you withdraw and fine it difficult to shake out of it.

please consider that your approach may be causing your husband a lot of pain and stress, as he cannot read your mind. It could ultimately destroy your relationship. Think about seeking therapy so you can find other coping strategies during times of stress rather than giving your nearest and dearest the silent treatment.

You'd regret it if your husband decided to bale out because he can't put up with it anymore, try to sort it out through therapy - things like work stress are never worth sacrificing personal happiness.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2022 20:08

Don't waste your time "reflecting." Get a solicitor and divorce this abusive arsehole as soon as humanly possible.

Puppers · 23/12/2022 20:12

Computersaysno123 · 23/12/2022 20:02

@Puppers crikey, I was just suggesting maybe he felt like I do but I'll stand down, not up for a row which I feel you want. Good night

No I don't want a row and wasn’t trying to be snippy; only factual. Its hard to convey tone in writing. It’s just very important on threads involving abuse of any kind that people don’t try and minimise it because unfortunately when you’re in the throes of an abusive relationship sometimes you are desperate for someone to tell you that it’s not abuse or you’re imagining it or it’s acceptable because XYZ.

I’m sure you just wanted to get involved in the discussion and perhaps your intentions were not bad, but essentially you’ve said “Maybe it’s not abuse because I do the same thing and I’m not abusive”, only it then turns out you actually don’t do the same thing at all so it doesn’t excuse or offer insight into this man’s behaviour.

liarliarshortsonfire · 23/12/2022 20:13

The silent treatment and sulking is emotional abuse. End of!

Just ignore, get on with your life, go out without him, stop doing things for him or invoking him in things. Use this time to plan your exit - life is too short to live like this op. You don't want your dc's to think this is what you put up with in a relationship

Toomanysleepycats · 23/12/2022 20:32

I was listening to a podcast that says there are two types of ‘sulking’. One is when you get so emotional you have to withdraw yourself to be able to calm down. It often involves crying. If other people turn up you will still be quiet and withdrawn. It only lasts until you feel calm again.

The other sort is more cold blooded and is used to punish another person. It can be switched on and off at will. Other people turning up at the door will be treated completely normally, but as soon as they are gone, will revert to silence.

@Computersaysno123 Please don’t feel bad, I believe this is completely normal for some people. If you are worried about your husband, I’m sure he can see how upset you are, and you can always explain this to him when you have recovered.

Rose cat, it sounds like your Dh is the second sort, but you are the only one who can be really sure. I agree just act as if you haven’t a care in the world. To help you deal it, just reframe it and tell yourself how infuriating he will be finding your lack of response to his silence. You will have taken away his power.

I agree that it’s possible this is a deliberate ploy to get you walk away.

PeaceJoySleep · 23/12/2022 20:37

mbosnz · 23/12/2022 17:53

I had my mother do this recently. She obviously thought I was going to be rushing to 'make things right', but she couldn't have been more wrong. I was perfectly cheerful, meeting all her harsh, snapped criticisms and demands with a very cheery response that also managed to make it clear that I was indulging someone having an infantile tantrum. It was SO DAMNED ENJOYABLE. Watching her frustration mount as it became so obvious, even to her, that she was making an idiot of herself, and I had absolutely no intention of stopping until she did. I didn't attempt to engage her in conversation, find out what was the matter (I knew), attempt to placate her - any of the crap she is used to and that I would normally do.

That particular tanty was a lot shorter than usual. . .

I need lessons from you. My mother gave me the silent treatment, started about three years ago because I asked her not to label me paranoid and sensitive any more and not to gloss over decades of having done that by calling it a grudge (It had NEVER been discussed). I let her know I was upset. Mistake I know. I should have just backed away. But I got so upset, told her I was upset. And she martyred up, sent my father round to reprimand me for hurting her and has giving me the silent treatment for the last 3 years!!

You sound like you know what your doing. I wish I could go back in time and have had a tutorial from you first.

Computersaysno123 · 23/12/2022 20:39

@Toomanysleepycats that's such a kind response, I really do appreciate that. I'm honestly not worried about my husband as it's not a regular thing and he is very understanding. We all have our faults and that's mine and I'll work on it. To the others, I wasn't trying to minimise anything, honestly was just giving a perspective, I did also say in my post his might not be the same. But anyway I'll ask for my reply to be deleted because the OP needs help and I've unintentionally de railed. Good luck OP

Dee9409 · 23/12/2022 20:45

It’s unfair to sulk or just sleep or stay in bedroom. At least he could say I am feeling low leave me for a few days I will be fine but just to snap and say I am fine it’s manipulative and unfair. You don’t deserve to be walking on eggshells in case you upset him. The best medicine is for you to not give him another thoughtC go out with friends, family carry on with your life. He will either soon snap out of it or erupt and try and say you don’t care. You can’t win in this scenario. It’s so hard and totally unfair. He is an adult and needs to own his behaviour.

mbosnz · 23/12/2022 21:15

@PeaceJoySleep, that was fifty years in the making.

I cannot tell you where I found that strength and anger from, just that I did.

Whatever attention you are giving your mother and her husband - I would suggest you stop it. Don't give them the oxygen. When (and I mean when, not if) they get in touch, don't allow them to try and relitigate whatever shit went down. Just be bright and oh so bloody breezy. It drives them nuts. And any further relationship is on your terms.

UntilHootOwlReturns · 23/12/2022 22:28

RoseCat · 23/12/2022 16:47

My husband has hardly spoken to me this week and it's really wearing me down. He is moody and has a sulky look on his face. I have tried to talk to him about what is wrong but he just snaps that he is fine. I told him how this is making me feel but he just sighs and walks away. I can't live like this, he has been gradually withdrawing from me over the last couple of years. He is fine with the children and his family and friends, it's just me he is like this too. I'm only 36, this is no way to live.

This is abusive and honestly I'd divorce over this kind of childish but also egotistic and manipulative behaviour.

Sunnytwobridges · 23/12/2022 22:38

newtb · 23/12/2022 17:06

My mother used to do this. It's a form of abuse.

Mine did too - to my father and to me (when I became an adult).

My ex did this to , i put up with it for about 7 years. Killed any feelings I had for him.

billy1966 · 24/12/2022 00:03

You are being abused in an abusive marriage.

You need to reach out to family and friends for support.

Start detaching emotionally and start planning.

Your marriage is best over.

Start protecting yourself and telling people what is going on.

frozendaisy · 24/12/2022 00:23

This isn't a marriage.

So please OP don't do anything for him. Let him wash his own fucking socks and put them away.

Life is too short for this nonsense.

Deathraystare · 24/12/2022 10:50

Why would you want to stay with such a baby?

My Dad used to sulk for England. However, it eventually got through to his thick skull that he hated being ignored which is what mum used to do to him!

Dodecaheidyin · 24/12/2022 12:26

RoseCat · 23/12/2022 18:09

Yes I do think he's trying to get me to leave him or argue with him or something so then he can claim to be the victim. I don't think he's got it in him to cheat but who knows.

Show quote history

I'm sorry, it's horrible to be where you are. I hope you have as peaceful a time as you can over the festive period and get some time to yourself to think about what you want for you and your children. Do remember, even if he isn't cheating (or wanting to), that he's choosing to do this to you, thinking of only himself. You don't deserve that Flowers