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Original poster

My husband expects too much from my mum

40 replies

flingaling77 · 23/12/2022 15:41

My husband and I have 2 children (7 and 4) and we live in Kent near to my mum while his parents live in Cornwall. My mum collects the kids one day a week from school and occasionally other bits. However she is the only help we get normally and isn't really hands on. My in laws are very helpful and let us have nights away when we go down. My husband resents the fact that my mum isn't very helpful with giving us a break compared to his parents and doesn't see why it should always be his parents that have them overnight. I feel he resents me for this too. I don't know how to resolve it and it is a constant argument that we have. Any advice as to how to resolve it?

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 23/12/2022 15:46

If you tot up all the hours of care your mum does after school every week it is probably more than his parents do on the occasional trip down there. They both help but in different ways. Neither set are obliged to help at all.

thistimelastweek · 23/12/2022 15:46

Grandparents have no obligation to help although it's very nice if they are involved.

A weekly commitment is pretty generous in my view and your husband has no right to expect more.

I hope your mum doesn't find out he's a horrible ingrate.

Phineyj · 23/12/2022 15:48

I suppose my response would be, how much does your husband put himself out to help others?

MyBooksAndMyCats · 23/12/2022 15:56

How much does your husband help your mum and go out of his way for her?

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 23/12/2022 16:00

Does he do much of the parenting himself or does he just assume the women in his life are there to facilitate him?

howshouldibehave · 23/12/2022 16:03

My husband resents the fact that my mum isn't very helpful

Your husband is being a dick. It’s not your mum’s job to provide overnight childcare for you-sounds like she already helps plenty.

Any advice as to how to resolve it?

Tell your husband he’s being unreasonable. What does he do to help her?

Is your dad around as well? M

tribpot · 23/12/2022 16:03

So your mum has made a regular commitment, which limits what other things she can do to a much greater degree than his parents, but it's not good enough for him? Does he do all the other school pickups in the week?

autumnboys · 23/12/2022 16:05

Your husband sounds like an ungrateful dick, to be honest. Let me guess, the weekly pick up is more useful for you than him.

thenewduchessoflapland · 23/12/2022 16:10

Your mum helps weekly and his occasionally;I'd say your mum puts in more time/effort.

Your mum isn't a free nanny your husband can call upon when he fancies it nor is it her job to do overnight childcare especially if she doesn't want to.

Your DH is a CF.

He needs reminding of all those who get no help from family at all and stop being an ungrateful brat.

Divebar2021 · 23/12/2022 16:14

Does he resent your dad too or just your mum?

insufferableknowitall · 23/12/2022 16:15

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 23/12/2022 16:00

Does he do much of the parenting himself or does he just assume the women in his life are there to facilitate him?

This.

purpledalmation · 23/12/2022 16:17

What does he do for her in return?

RunLolaRun102 · 23/12/2022 16:18

flingaling77 · 23/12/2022 15:41

My husband and I have 2 children (7 and 4) and we live in Kent near to my mum while his parents live in Cornwall. My mum collects the kids one day a week from school and occasionally other bits. However she is the only help we get normally and isn't really hands on. My in laws are very helpful and let us have nights away when we go down. My husband resents the fact that my mum isn't very helpful with giving us a break compared to his parents and doesn't see why it should always be his parents that have them overnight. I feel he resents me for this too. I don't know how to resolve it and it is a constant argument that we have. Any advice as to how to resolve it?

Add it all up. What his parents do and what your Mum does. Show it to him in black and white & then ask when his parents will step up.

CongaLine · 23/12/2022 16:18

An ongoing weekly commitment is much more of an effort than an occasional night away.

rookiemere · 23/12/2022 16:18

I'd say doing the school pick up once a week is fairly hands on.
Can't his DPs come up to visit and do more care then ?

SnarkyBag · 23/12/2022 16:19

So your mum provides a weekly commitment which presumably facilitates work commitments for you and he’s resentful is he? He’s an entitled arsehole.

PotterLottery · 23/12/2022 16:20

The thing is how can this be resolved? I think your mum is already being a great help picking them up once a week (it's quite a big commitment if you think about it) and if she doesn't want to do more, then she doesn't have to? What does your husband want, for you to have a big chat/showdown with her? Would that make him happy?

My DH mum doesn't help us at all and while occasionally I feel frustrated that it's my parents helping us all the time, I don't take it out on my DH it's not his fault, I don't think he can do anything about it. It's her choice at the end of the day.

Scabetty · 23/12/2022 16:22

so he pays your mum and she isn’t fulfilling her contract? He sounds nasty to be honest. Don’t let him tell you how your mum should ‘gran’.

Coooosd · 23/12/2022 16:28

They're his kids not your mums. If he wants night's away he needs to pay for childcare. When you have children your life changes a little and you can't be entitled and do your own thing all the time anymore.

I'd say something like that

AnotherForumUser · 23/12/2022 16:53

Oh yet another man overly impressed with himself because his dick works. Therefore all those silly little women should rush around making sure he doesn't have to take any responsibility for the produce of said dick. Your mum is already giving regular care which will impact on what she can arrange. He's the father. He should fucking well step up and look after his own kids rather than comparing the grandparents and whining about your mum. Or maybe he could go crying to his mummy and get her to do more. That's probably more likely than this idiot accepting he has no dick-given right to a woman's time and effort when it comes to his offspring.

layladomino · 23/12/2022 16:57

He sounds entitled and ungrateful. GP aren't obliged and shouldn't be expected to offer any level of help. If they are able to, and have the time to, and want to, then that's lovely.

It sounds like your mum does a lot more than his parents if he wants to compare.

As pp have said, how much does he do for your mum? It should go both ways.

MintJulia · 23/12/2022 17:02

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 23/12/2022 15:46

If you tot up all the hours of care your mum does after school every week it is probably more than his parents do on the occasional trip down there. They both help but in different ways. Neither set are obliged to help at all.

This.

Tell your DH not to be such a selfish entitled prat. Or show him this thread. They are HIS children, tell him to look after them himself.

I suggest your mum starts charging an hourly rate.

category12 · 23/12/2022 17:05

Any advice as to how to resolve it?

Tell him to stop being such an ungrateful lump.

Double0FeckingBollocks · 23/12/2022 17:07

Your DH is being exceptionally ungrateful. I would have LOVED a family member to have picked up my kids one day a week. He doesn't know how lucky he is. I really hope he is not letting your mum know how he feels. She'd be justified in being pretty upset.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/12/2022 17:14

Agree with PPs - DH is being a dick.

One GP is making a regular commitment around school pickup/after school as well as other help and I'd guess is your local "emergency" help?

The GPs live in a holiday area and can give you the odd night away.

Its easy to be the Disney GPs in this situation, much harder to commit to regular care.

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