To tell DH that I would like him to travel to my home country with me for Christmas?

[aridapricot]

DH is British, I am not. We don't have children. When we got married we agreed that one year we would both fly to my home country to spend Christmas with my family and the next one I would fly to my home country on my own and he would spend Christmas in the UK with his family. For New Year we are always in the UK. In 2019 we spent Christmas together with my family. Then Covid happened, in 2020 we both stayed in the UK and 2021 I flew to my country on my own. Last September I told him that I was going to book our plane tickets for Christmas and he told me he would rather stay in the UK but "if I really wanted him to go" he would suck it up and come with me. He made it very clear how much of a big sacrifice this was for him (he has a close-knit family and loves Christmas with them) so I said, it's ok, I'll go on my own.

The problem is, I struggle with my own family and specially my mother. She has a history of controlling, infantilizing and manipulating me. My father is a nice guy but for the most part he has always enabled her, as has my brother. Over the years, I have become better at managing these visits on my own. 10 years ago we would be having spats (maybe 2 over the course of a week-long visit), 5 years ago I would have found myself giving in to my mother's control and hating myself for it. Nowadays I mostly feel really anxious, depressed and on edge most of the time, just spending a lot of time reading or working in my room or walking outside and hardly speaking about anything meaninful during meals because I learned years ago the hard way that any information I give my mother about my (rather successful) life in the UK can be used against me at any point.

When my husband is here with me, I find it easier, because my mother's control and infantilization subsides somewhat, and also because as soon as she tries something I can discuss it with him and relativize. But he notices (even though he doesn't speak the language) that the atmosphere at home is somewhat tense and he'd rather spend Christmas with his family anyway.

A few days before my trip this year he told me that in the future he would come to my country with me for Christmas "if I really wanted to". But I really don't know if the right answer is "yes, I do". I think that, no matter how unpleasant my past with my mother, it is up to me to face it like an adult, and not hide behind my husband or anyone else. I don't want to be needy. On the other hand, I resent my husband selling this to me as if it was a big favour he's prepared to do for my sake, when in reality, even if we did stick to our original agreement, he would get 1 Christmas out of 2 at home AND ALL New Years at home too, so hardly equitable for me. On the other hand, I do get Christmas without his family is a big sacrifice.

Thanks for listening.

You really can't force your DH to join you , agreement or not, as you said he noticed the tense atmosphere etc. So either go alone if you feel you must go or don't go and make a new agreement to spend every other Christmas with his family.

I understand your point about needing to go at Christmas, as if you didn’t, you’d undo the work you’ve put in over the years to make it minimally bearable.
However, you could radically consider going entirely non contact. I don’t think that would be immoral, given how terribly they treat you.

This is very difficult for you, OP, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

Here is some food for thought. By continuing to attend Christmas with your family, and dragging your partner into it to mitigate your mother's awfulness, is it possible that you too are enabling your mum's abusive behaviour? You have enough insight to recognise that your dad is enabling her, but it might be worth reflecting on whether you are doing the same thing instead of drawing protective boundaries around yourself and your partner.

That said, I understand that family and culture are important and you may not want to cut yourself off entirely. But I can certainly see why your H is reluctant to spend alternate Christmases with someone who is actively unpleasant. New Year's isn't at all the same as Christmas.

Agree with other posters you need to stop going!
It's also very unfair on your dh that you never spend Christmas with his family

One easy way out is to tell your family that your DH's family also put great importance on spending Christmas together. As you have not done that for X years, you need to catch up and spend the next X years with them!

For this year - are your tickets not already booked? Which country?

You really need to work ok your self esteem and the ability to decide what is best for you irrespective of what others say. You can live your life to satisfy other people.

You hate going to your family for Christmas and tickets are very expensive but you go because of societal pressure, I mean just read what you wrote again.

not going would be perceived as a huge afront and undo some of the work I've done so far (in terms of making the situation with my family minimally bearable and avoid open confrontation).

So?
It s tooexpensive
It s miserable
"I cannot make xmas but am coming in march ilook forward to seeing you then "

Crwate your own rules
What will you lose?
A big inheritance? Or?

Well, my family of origin is half English half Spanish, we alternated years, once in Spain the next in England. But we had a lovely time at both.
With my little family unit (my husband and I come from opposite sides of Spain) I have created a new tradition, we spend Xmas at our own little home and then for the new year we visit others, with less pressure. He who doesnt like it can suck it up.
The first years of our marriage we did all of 2000 km travelling to his family and then to mine. No one else travelled to ours. So it got to a point when I thought "sod that". And started the new arrangement. Good luck.

I feel so sad for you that you have the option of having a lovely time in the U.K. with your husband, but the FOG and family expectations are so strong you haven’t even questioned (it seems) whether you should be going at all.

Why would you want to spend all that money to see people who will make you feel sad and anxious, and put your husband through that too in order to shield you a bit? You’ll have a bad time and feel sad.

Why is it so important to abide by what your family might think?

Hi.
It is interesting to read these replies. Particularly how many of you think that the equitable thing would be for me to spend some Christmases with my ILs. I was counting New Years into the mix (which we spend with them every year, and it is a big occasion, with a big meal, etc.) but maybe I shouldn't count them. I do get that Christmas tends to be the most significant holiday.
My mother has said a number of times "Well if you need to spend Christmas with your ILs that's fine, we understand!". But I know she doesn't mean it, I cannot count the number of times over the years (since I was a child, when these kinds of things were extremely confusing and destabilizing) that she's said something "is fine" but then she'll manage to sow little passive-aggressive, hurting comments here and there which show that it is obviously not fine.
My husband is I think extremely good at setting boundaries in a healthy way and is very emotionally intelligent (even if I find the phrase "emotionally intelligence" a bit cringe). These are actually qualities I've always admired in him, and which have taught me a lot (some of the progress I've made in the last 10 years with my family, however precarious, has been greatly inspired by him). So deep down I suppose I know he's in the right and it is kind of validating to see that many of you think the same.
We always go to my country in the summer and it's considerably easier as there are many more opportunities for us to sight-see and do other things outside the home (this is a semi-touristy place but only in the summer, in winter things are much quieter). Plus there isn't the pressure that you have to love and forget everybody because it's Christmas.

You have your answer then. You can go in the summer and tell your mum that's the only/main times you're able to visit - add nothing else to your explanation.

I suppose it's really you who needs to heal and cut the apron strings, and realise that no matter what they say, think or do, that's the worst they can do and there's nothing you can do about it except do what's best for you.

Great idea to do summer with your family and Christmas with his. Your mum has said she understands. If she then gets all pass-agg you can just overlook that and focus on how she liberated you by saying she understands!

And if she does get shirty well, what's the worst that can happen? Don't rise to it.