To tell DH that I would like him to travel to my home country with me for Christmas?

[aridapricot]

DH is British, I am not. We don't have children. When we got married we agreed that one year we would both fly to my home country to spend Christmas with my family and the next one I would fly to my home country on my own and he would spend Christmas in the UK with his family. For New Year we are always in the UK. In 2019 we spent Christmas together with my family. Then Covid happened, in 2020 we both stayed in the UK and 2021 I flew to my country on my own. Last September I told him that I was going to book our plane tickets for Christmas and he told me he would rather stay in the UK but "if I really wanted him to go" he would suck it up and come with me. He made it very clear how much of a big sacrifice this was for him (he has a close-knit family and loves Christmas with them) so I said, it's ok, I'll go on my own.

The problem is, I struggle with my own family and specially my mother. She has a history of controlling, infantilizing and manipulating me. My father is a nice guy but for the most part he has always enabled her, as has my brother. Over the years, I have become better at managing these visits on my own. 10 years ago we would be having spats (maybe 2 over the course of a week-long visit), 5 years ago I would have found myself giving in to my mother's control and hating myself for it. Nowadays I mostly feel really anxious, depressed and on edge most of the time, just spending a lot of time reading or working in my room or walking outside and hardly speaking about anything meaninful during meals because I learned years ago the hard way that any information I give my mother about my (rather successful) life in the UK can be used against me at any point.

When my husband is here with me, I find it easier, because my mother's control and infantilization subsides somewhat, and also because as soon as she tries something I can discuss it with him and relativize. But he notices (even though he doesn't speak the language) that the atmosphere at home is somewhat tense and he'd rather spend Christmas with his family anyway.

A few days before my trip this year he told me that in the future he would come to my country with me for Christmas "if I really wanted to". But I really don't know if the right answer is "yes, I do". I think that, no matter how unpleasant my past with my mother, it is up to me to face it like an adult, and not hide behind my husband or anyone else. I don't want to be needy. On the other hand, I resent my husband selling this to me as if it was a big favour he's prepared to do for my sake, when in reality, even if we did stick to our original agreement, he would get 1 Christmas out of 2 at home AND ALL New Years at home too, so hardly equitable for me. On the other hand, I do get Christmas without his family is a big sacrifice.

Thanks for listening.

As has been pointed out one Christmas together at your parents' and one alone with you at your parents and him at his isn't a life long "fair" solution by any stretch. Families don't see New Year as equivalent to Christmas (obviously your family don't either otherwise you could go for New Year instead alternate years and spend Christmas with your partner's "lovely" family).

He's not being supportive though, no.

However if it's so unpleasant for you it's also unpleasant for your guest, and as you say you're essentially hoping he'll voluntarily spend a lot of money to be miserable and to disappoint his own parents... Possibly he finds it hard to understand why you want to put yourself through the expense and travel time just to be miserable.

Without being part of the dynamic it's hard to know whether he's purely being selfish and childish or whether he's being honest and pragmatic.

If you're really setting up for a life together you need to stop going to your parents every year though. I'd suggest alternating until you have children and then going every third year (with a year potentially by your selves). If it's expensive to visit your parents at Christmas as a single adult it might be completely unaffordable if you need to buy four tickets on one or two incomes in future anyway.

This is also true - don't revert to sulky teen role because that's what your mother expects. Instead stay in a hotel near enough to visit most days and make an actual holiday of it. See friends if any are around and shhow him where you grew up outside the parental household, and then take a long weekend elsewhere in the country before or after Christmas to sight-see.

Tell your mother you are ''English'' now and people here do as the wish - and it is not necessary to always go to family for Xmas. Also add you do not enjoy the visit and your DH does not wish to go either because of atmosphere she creates and he can;t understand a word she says. So you are not going again.

I understand that it must be hard to break away from cultural norms and what you’ve always done but are you telling me that you really are happy for your DH to forgo a happy Christmas to act as your buffer between you and your dysfunctional family? Your mother/ family will complain wether you are with them or not, so why don’t you start a new tradition of alternative Christmases with you DH and his family and your DH and your family.

Are you planning on having kids and if so are you planning to blight their Christmas because you hope to use them as a buffer between you and your mother? OP I think it’s time to break some cycles.

OP I am so sorry that you have to put in so much effort and do your self esteem so much damage just to make things with your family "bearable".
It sounds like Christmas is miserable for you every single year. Sure, if DH comes with you it is less miserable, but miserable nonetheless. I have no doubt on those years DH's Christmas is also miserable.

I echo PPs - stop doing this to yourself. You have moved far far away from your family to make a life of your own, that includes Christmas time.
Think of it this way, if you and DH ever have children would you put them through this? Who would they be with on the years that DH stays with his family? This is highly presumptuous of me, children might not be on the cards, but either way you have made a family for yourself by marrying DH, my bringing imaginary kids into the situation is just to illustrate my point!

What is the tradition around spending Christmas with in laws in your country?

It sounds pretty unpleasant and I don't blame your dh for seeing it as a chore and a big favour especially as he's missing out on what is presumably a nice time at his own family's. Agree it's not an especially fair balance either when you never reciprocate (where you'd probably have a nicer time). How about a 3 year cycle. Once year you go alone, next dh comes with you (yes it would be a favour, it's not a pleasant or fun time for him but he's prepared to do it to support you. It's ok he's not lying and pretending he's enthusiastic) then year 3 you spend it with his family. Nicer for you - your mum will have to come to terms with it. It's not ok she's still controlling you from across the sea as an adult!

Also, I don't think DH is being unsupportive by telling you how he feels about going. He has said that he will go bug he doesn't enjoy it. I think it would be very difficult to support your OH in doing something that is so detrimental to their wellbeing, he probably doesn't understand why you feel the need to put yourself through it.

I think he and his family are being polite in being happy to just have you both at New Year. For most families who celebrate Christmas in the UK they would like their children home every Christmas too. They recognise though that with partners etc often there is a need to alternate/ be flexible. What would happen in your culture if you were married and living there? Would you both always go to the woman's parents?

I would go for once in three years at Christmas, but with sightseeing thrown in to get you away from home. Then a year with his family and visit in the summer, then a year at home (or his family if that is more fun). Can he perhaps work on learning your language? Might help if you were to have bilingual children.

It sounds like Christmas with your parents in expensive and very unenjoyable. I can’t blame him for not wanting to go and preferring to visit his own family instead.

It sounds like you have a really difficult family situation and that you have worked hard to put some boundaries in place to make it a bit more manageable over the years. Sounds like you still have work to do though. Clearly you are only going to visit because you fear the repercussions of not going. Where you rather be on Xmas ….if you forget everything else where would you WANT to spend Xmas? If it not with your family, then I think you need to put less time into thinking about if your partner is being unreasonable and more time into considering how best to put a boundary in place around Xmas and not go home yourself.

In your shoes I would not be going every year. Sounds hideous.

Imagine what it will be like when you have children - don’t inflict the toxicity of your mother on them! Very damaging!

Unfortunately, you’re being a bit controlling like your mother & it’s probably not what you want to hear. Get yourself some therapy and establish some good boundaries. You’re forcing your dh to comply with your mum because you can’t break the link.

You’re putting your mum’s wants above your husband’s needs. Your family is dysfunctional so why inflict this on somebody else & spoil their Christmas? You need to celebrate Christmas with your dh and his family more often and see your family less often. Your mum isn’t good for your mental health.

Sounds awful, go to the country every other year but don’t spend more than a couple of days with family, spend the rest of the break introducing your husband to the rest of your country with mini breaks. The pandemic allows a bit of a reset in the way you do things. Do you enjoy Christmas with his family or with yours more.

So her husband shouldn't be alternating years? Great, he can spend every Christmas at home with his family then, yes?

Christmas with your family sounds absolutely terrible and your mother sounds awful. If I was your husband, I wouldn’t be too inclined to visit either, and miss an otherwise joyful Christmas with his family. I understand that you say there’s familial pressure to come back for Christmas but you must see your current set up is, frankly, ridiculous and you’re being unreasonable imo to never spend Christmas with his family.

OP it sounds like you are going out of obligation and you want your husband there to lessen the awfulness. Maybe cut down on the years you go there as you only get one life and you should do what you enjoy at Christmas

This.

So what if in your country pressure is on to go home for Christmas? You don't live in that country now and are married. You can make your own choices.

Go for Easter or something. It will be less pressured.

I think you need to change the Christmas arrangements.
Either you go back every other year, and have a UK christmas with your husband every 2 years and ever go home alone.
Or switch to a 3 year cycle - one year both in your country,one year both in UK and one year apart.
It is very unfair that your DH never gets his traditional Christmas with his wife. It also sounds like you don't enjoy the solo trips home.
If you are going to make changes, and kids are possibly in the future, think about how christmas might look with kids. They also need to spend some Christmas' in the UK.

I think you need to start to look at it a bit differently. Your DH and you are now a family so time to start some new traditions. You are also part of your husbands family and it really isn't nice that you don't spend any xmas with them ( what is your family's cultural traditions with IL's).
if you plan to have children you will need to put a stop to this anyway as it will become unmanageable one way or another ( eg you DH parents never get to see their grandkids on xmas ?? how would that work?), and once they get older it will be harder and harder to drag them to another country with a controlling unhealthy Christmas.
time to say no... your mum are is in your home country you are here - they will need to adjust, times change. I say this as someone who comes from a family with different cultural backgrounds and expectations, but you can't please your mum, you need to stand up for yourself and your DH and start some new family traditions. good luck.

It is a big favour your husband would be doing tbh. From his perspective he has to go abroad to spend several days in a tense and unpleasant atmosphere where he doesn't speak the language, watching as his MIL makes his wife upset.

I think the suggestion of PP that when you go back, you stay elsewhere is a good one. Instead of an unpleasant trip back, do things to make it enjoyable - meet up with old friends, introduce your husband to them, show him places that mean something to you and things about your home country that you love. Limit your time with your awful mother. I suspect that your husband won't need as much persuading for that kind of trip.

sounds awful for your husband - and you as well really!

to leave your lovely family xmas to go to another families horrible xmas which no one likes is a big ask - especially as you never go to his family for xmas

can't you just start visiting your family before or after xmas - cut it short

OP, you should seek therapy and assess why do you insist on going to a great lenght of inconvenience and expense to subject yourself to the annual abuse, manipulation and control torture. As for your DH.. Parking aside his own selfish interests of spending Xmas with his nice family... Can you just try to imagine how hard it must be to watch your loved one being abused in front of your eyes and they just sit and take it and there is nothing he personally can due to language barrier.

YABVU.

You are married and never spend Christmas with your DH, with his family?

You are so far enmeshed in your parents’ guilt tripping that you are infantilising yourself!

Go and visit your parents when air fares are cheaper.

Spend next Christmas with his family and see how much more you enjoy it.

If Christmas with your family makes you miserable, why on earth are you putting yourself through it??

If you still want to see them at the time of year why don't you do Christmas in the UK with your DH's family, and every other New Year in your home country, since it's shorter and less pressurised?