Tell me to get a grip please

[INeedAGrip]

Have been in a on off casual relationship for the last year. I have now finally called things as it was getting too much for me to handle. I want stability not a hot/cold semi boyfriend.

I feel surprisingly upset and I need to pull myself together. I won't contact him and I know him well enough to know that I'm not going to hear from him either.

But I need to get a grip. I can see he is online and I'm feeling jealous FFS. I'm a grown woman. I need to put this to bed. It's been a long time coming.

You need to get a grip.

This man is a total user. He is no good. He will end up sad and lonely in his old age. You know this in your heart of hearts.

Save your dignity and walk away with your head held high.

Why are you seeing he's online? Block him. Distract yourself. Plan something exciting.

I think because I like torturing myself. Honestly I know I need to block and move on but it is so damn difficult. I have put his needs and wants above my own for far too long. I'm struggling to put myself first.

Block him and go for a really long walk up a hill with a fabulous view at the top. Take snacks. Get the wind in your hair and come back all connected to yourself and feeling powerful for the future.

What would you say to your daughter/sister/friend in this situation? Regardless whether you have them, heed the advice you would give. Be strong like you would want them to be!

A good long walk sounds ideal. I live in a beautiful part of England and I may just go do that tomorrow.

I'd tell anyone to ditch and run like the wind. You're worth more and I know I am. I just need to get there!

Ach poor you. Look, you know it's too shabby for you and you've called time so you're clearly mature and have decent self esteem. You can do this.

Well done! And stop being so harsh on yourself please - you don't need to "get a grip" because you already did, by putting an end to a pointless situation. Delete him off of social media and go for a nice long walk like PP suggested.

Hypothetically, if you (magically) already had a lovely partner you'd have absolutely no interest or reason to have any contact with him so use that logic whenever you're tempted to check up on him - there's literally no need to know what he's doing anymore.

OP I have been in your position and I know how hard it is. I decided not to contact him and joined some dating apps purely as a distraction. I ended up meeting someone lovely and the rest is history. Other guy messaged me regularly to meet up but I’m no longer interested. Know your worth! While you’re hanging onto this guy you’re potentially missing out on meeting Mr Right.

Thank you. I half think I'm overreacting even though I know I'm not. I have been used and I know I have. But I keep romanticising the lovely bits and hoping I was wrong. I'm going through the whole "if only I could show him how amazing I am" but I know that doesn't work. If he wanted to be with me properly we'd be together.

Urgh, been there. It’s so hard because you know the right thing to do but the part that is clinging on to hope doesn’t want to make it final.

But the more distance you get from the situation the better - especially with not contacting him or checking to see he is online (block!!!) and trying to focus on other things.

From experience, the first few days are the hardest, it’s like giving up an addiction. That’s why it’s really important to try and take your mind off him. Feed your brain with things that are positive - any little thing you enjoy. Be nice to yourself. Hope it feels better soon.

If you're a grown woman, as you say, you need to get your act together and block him. You're deliberately not doing it because you're enjoying the wallowing.

How has he used you? Why have you been putting his needs before yours? This is not the first relationship following a breakup by any chance, is it?

@80s it is the first relationship following a breakup. How did you know?

It does feel like an addiction and I'm not enjoying the wallowing as such but I do sort of think you're right. It's coupled with the hope he comes riding up on a white horse. It isn't going to happen.

I think that, rather than trying to silence your feelings, it might be healthier to respect them. You're hurting. Be gentle with yourself. 'Nurture yourself' might be a better thing to do than 'get a grip', which is quite a harsh way to deal with yourself.

How do I nurture myself? And thank you for the kindness @Watchkeys

I like to think of nurturing yourself as treating yourself the way you might treat someone who you love who needs some support and tlc. You wouldn’t metaphorically bitchslap them and tell them to get a grip would you? You’d give them understanding and sympathy emotionally and be gentle with them.

Practically speaking I nurture myself by eating nice food, doing things I enjoy, gentle exercise, music - whatever feels positive and kind and is an easygoing distraction. Random example os I love audiobooks so i’ll get a really good story to listen to and make some bread maybe or go for a walk. Stuff like that. Just simple, nice things you enjoy.

Oh, we've all been there! It's important to allow yourself to feel sad. Have a good cry if you need. I find in these situations it can be helpful to write out a list of all the reasons the person wasn't right for me, then read it back whenever I'm longing for the romanticised what could have been.

Plan some nice treats for yourself, like make a nice dinner or have a long bubble bath. You've only just ended things so you need to be kind to yourself whilst you're moving on.

it is the first relationship following a breakup. How did you know?
Been there, done that, seen others do it too! Don't know about others, but I loved living in a romantic fantasy world, rather than post-breakup reality. Even knowing it wasn't real, it was especially exciting after a long relationship with a sad end. It gave me the optimism I craved when I'd lost the future I had expected. Then when the fantasy bubble burst, I wondered what my new future would really be like - realistically.

I’ve been there OP. I’m more a deleter of numbers vs blocking but I recommend either.

Try to accept he’s gone & make getting over him your project.

Walk, cry, treat yourself how you want to be treated, favourite shows/food/clothes. You can start the year fresh & free 😘

@80s and what was it like? I think you've hit the nail on the head for me. As have the other posters.

Getting a grip is easier said than done though isn't it? They live in our heads sometimes.

In what way was he blowing hot and cold? Why are you convinced he wouldn't call you if you don't call him? Were you a booty call?

what was it like?
Sorry to report that I am not now living in a cosy cottage, sitting in front of a log fire with my ravishing new husband and our three well-trained Golden Retrievers :)

I've had some good new experiences, including a decent relationship with a decent man, and I'd say I've come to terms with the idea that the future I'd envisaged with my ex was only in my imagination, and that futures are often a lot messier than we'd ideally like them to be.

I have put his needs and wants above my own for far too long. I'm struggling to put myself first so not such a "casual" relationship for you then, just for him? Delete his number and move on. And when you start dating again keep in mind to never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option.

@80s thank you for being honest with me. I know this sounds big headed but I know I can attract men. But I don't think the right kind. I can't imagine myself in that fantasy cottage either sadly.

I believe we were both invested and then something changed for him. Although I don't really know what. I guess I kept trying to prove myself worthy but I had already been relegated with no hope of return. It hurts. The last time I saw him I was definitely just a shag and that's why I've called it.