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Original poster

Husband refuses to get a job

74 replies

Belle425 · 22/12/2022 14:05

Our business collapsed after the pandemic. We are living off our savings at the moment.

We are really struggle financially and I have suggested that we both need to get a job. He agreed, tried for 2 months or so and then just stopped looking for any jobs because no success in previous applications. Maybe he feels deflated. I don't know.

So everyday, he is either watching his favourite Youtube at home or fixing his car at the garage. I am frustrated to see our bank account balance draining, and I am quite angry to see him doing nothing meaningful everyday. What's worse, whenever I question about why he is always on his youtube and not getting a job, he will just yell the F word at me, slam the door and leave the house. I don't know what is going on with him. We can't talk.

We don't have Christmas this year because of all the struggles. It is unfair to our children.

Should I divorce this man?

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 22/12/2022 20:44

It has to be frustrating when neither of you are bringing in any income. Your efforts and his lack of effort are producing the same outcome. Neither of you have moved the needle forward at all. Maybe if you each stopped feeling superior to the other and tried working together in the job search, you might become more productive.

Maybe you could both try an employment agency. There are probably any number of low or modest wage jobs that would bring some resources into your household until you can find more substantial employment.

The answer to your initial question is yes , you are thinking that your failure to secure employment is somehow superior to his failure to find employment. The bottom line truth is that you are both unemployed.

userh79 · 22/12/2022 20:47

Seems to me the perfect solution is you getting a job asap, leaving him to pick up everything at home, then see how quickly he hits the job centre.....

Original poster
Belle425 · 22/12/2022 23:14

All your comments are very helpful. There is definitely a mental hurdle to get a job there, both of us. And there are definitely serious problems between us, both trying to shift the blame to each other.

After some thoughts, I know I should now focus on my own job hunting, and leave him to decide what he wants to do. If my salary can support the household, I don't care what he does. There are too many arguments between us at the moment, I am feeling very sick and very hopeless every morning.

OP posts:
QueueEtwo · 22/12/2022 23:45

Belle if I was you I would seriously start looking for a job and at the same time seek legal advice about divorcing this man!

Collect all the financial info, mortgage pensions, savings & see what a split would look like!

The last thing you want to do is go back to work leaving this waste of space as the main carer to your children which may affect the situation going forward.

You need a job but it may be better to dump his selfish arse at the same time!

PeekAtYou · 22/12/2022 23:52

Op- of course he shouldn't swear at you and call you names.
He should be looking for a job too. Hopefully that will improve his mood.

Alysskea · 22/12/2022 23:58

I disagree that OP could easily get a job in hospitality straight away. When I lost my job I applied at every shop, supermarket, cafe etc and got all rejections.

Ivyonafence · 22/12/2022 23:58

It sounds like he's depressed but that's not your problem to solve.

I think you should get a job and leave him.

You both sound a bit avoidant in regards to job hunting. There are so many jobs out there and you have a SAHP in him at the moment, you don't have any childcare issues while he's unemployed.

Apply for a job, work as many hours as you can while he's at home doing nothing.

It's a bit concerning that he's worried you'll earn more than him. Is he sexist or controlling?

How old are your children?

Original poster
Belle425 · 23/12/2022 00:08

Ivyonafence · 22/12/2022 23:58

It sounds like he's depressed but that's not your problem to solve.

I think you should get a job and leave him.

You both sound a bit avoidant in regards to job hunting. There are so many jobs out there and you have a SAHP in him at the moment, you don't have any childcare issues while he's unemployed.

Apply for a job, work as many hours as you can while he's at home doing nothing.

It's a bit concerning that he's worried you'll earn more than him. Is he sexist or controlling?

How old are your children?

My plan is to get myself financially independent, then I can start planning what's the best for my kids, they are 3 and 5.

Yes, he is very controlling, a narcissist.

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 23/12/2022 00:10

He's being a lazy selfish twat....there's plenty of work out there! So many people have gone out of the job market since Brexit. Absolutely no excuse to sit at home pissing about. He can obviously drive, plenty of work as delivery driver. He can push a hoover round and use a Bog brush get a job cleaning. Does he think he's above doing menial work? He could join an agency tomorrow and be working the following day rather than telling his wife fuck off before disappearing off to the garage. Please show him our comments, it might shock him in to pulling his fingers out of his ass and doing something about it.

RememberNancyDrew · 23/12/2022 00:24

Oh, he's controlling narc, so he will mock and judge whatever job you get and he will tell you how bad you will be at it and how he would never work at such a crap place, blah blah blah, and he'll moan about childcare of his own children while you are at work - something like that, so it would be easier if he got the first job. Something like that? Or no?

Anyway - Stay focused. Get a job. Step by step. You can do this!

Original poster
Belle425 · 23/12/2022 00:41

RememberNancyDrew · 23/12/2022 00:24

Oh, he's controlling narc, so he will mock and judge whatever job you get and he will tell you how bad you will be at it and how he would never work at such a crap place, blah blah blah, and he'll moan about childcare of his own children while you are at work - something like that, so it would be easier if he got the first job. Something like that? Or no?

Anyway - Stay focused. Get a job. Step by step. You can do this!

@RememberNancyDrew Spot on! That's exactly who he is. When he is good, he is good, but when he is not in the mood, he complains about how the kids are occupying his time. He said that in front of the kids. I feel sorry for the little ones, because their father told them they are a waste of his time :(

OP posts:
Spookysparkles · 23/12/2022 01:06

Puckthemagicdragon · 22/12/2022 15:49

You could apply for office manager, office administrator, executive pa or pa roles with that experience

This is exactly what I was thinking, I was going to suggest PA/EA work. Do it for a few years and it can pay pretty well

Whatifthegrassisblue · 23/12/2022 01:10

Belle425 · 22/12/2022 14:50

This is literally my biggest struggle. I don't know what I can do! I have been supporting my husband for so many years, you know, looking after bills, making payments, liaising with clients, things like that, nothing really particular. or skilful really.

I have prepared them presents, but Christmas dinner? Not yet. I just don't have the spirit to celebrate Christmas. There are so many things going on.

Show quote history

Don't underestimate yourself, running your own business is a big deal and I'm sure you have plenty of transferable skills! I would suggest you do some research (internet, books) and more ideally see a career counsellor or recruitment person to help you. You will get a job easily! Good luck to the both of you

Original poster
Belle425 · 23/12/2022 01:50

Thank you for all the suggestions here. I started looking for office manager jobs on LinkedIn, some of them are really interesting.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 23/12/2022 02:01

So when you are not working, you are a SAHP, but when he's not working he's a....what exactly? Er, no use to life or family. He doesn't have work as an excuse to not muck in anymore, so that leaves not wanting to be a parent in the first place, being a parent is just for women. ( he didn't post himself about wanting a woman for a role in life rather than any romantic reasons did he? It sounds like he's a man who could of written such a post - twice in this case).
He's lost his only function he ever fulfilled- provider. This makes him surplus to requirement and easy to leave IMHO.

KatherineJaneway · 23/12/2022 05:12

EA jobs might suit you as well OP. I would recommend registering with temp agencies rather than just applying for permanent roles. That way you can get work more quickly and it gives you a chance to see if you like the company if they do have permanent roles available eventually.

Sounds like your dh doesn't want to work for someone else or is applying for roles higher than his experience. I was in recruitment for quite a few years and did occasionally see those who had run and lost their own business, applying for roles with more senority than their experience would cover. Could that be the case?

Good luck and I hope things get better for you and your DC Flowers

category12 · 23/12/2022 06:42

Belle425 · 23/12/2022 00:41

@RememberNancyDrew Spot on! That's exactly who he is. When he is good, he is good, but when he is not in the mood, he complains about how the kids are occupying his time. He said that in front of the kids. I feel sorry for the little ones, because their father told them they are a waste of his time :(

Show quote history

Maybe you'd be better focusing on leaving this man. Talking to your children like that is so damaging and unkind, you need to get them out.

Consider speaking to domestic abuse services and getting help to leave the relationship aboit emotional abuse. You could then sort the rest of it out without being pulled down every moment.

Your self esteem must be shot, which won't help with interviews etc.

Outtasteamandluck · 23/12/2022 07:08

You'll never be able to leave him if you don't have any money.

The energy you are spending on him and what he's doing and not doing is distracting you from doing what you need to get the fuck out.

Tontostitis · 25/12/2022 05:58

There are jobs out there I could be working in 48 hours how has it taken you 2 months? Stop being picky and take any job you can and then apply for better ones. Get a job, leave the house and childcare to YouTube man.

autienotnaughty · 25/12/2022 06:35

If you are just wanting a job there's loads out there -
McDonald's
Telesales
Carers

There would have been a lot of roles in hospitality/retail in lead up to Xmas.
It's harder if you have specific expectations

amylou8 · 25/12/2022 07:08

You could get a job tomorrow (well not tomorrow it's boxing day) but pretty much straight away if you just want a job. Care/supermarket/delivery. I signed up to courier with Amazon and was working within 5 days. Take something/anything while you search for what you want. Absolutely no excuse for anyone who can work not to work at the moment.

yonimassagelondon · 20/03/2023 14:18

It sounds to me that he's become bored of the 9-5 and simply doesn't want to get a job.

Alishaattic · 20/03/2023 14:26

OP you both sound a bit lazy tbh - I understand you have the majority of childcare etc, but working parents still manage to look after their kids and work - me being one of them.
I work in the NHS as my full-time job and I pick up bank shifts in the evenings from home, there is no excuse.
You could be much more proactive with your job search as well as your husband.

SapatSea · 20/03/2023 17:30

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