Husband refuses to get a job

[Belle425]

Our business collapsed after the pandemic. We are living off our savings at the moment.

We are really struggle financially and I have suggested that we both need to get a job. He agreed, tried for 2 months or so and then just stopped looking for any jobs because no success in previous applications. Maybe he feels deflated. I don't know.

So everyday, he is either watching his favourite Youtube at home or fixing his car at the garage. I am frustrated to see our bank account balance draining, and I am quite angry to see him doing nothing meaningful everyday. What's worse, whenever I question about why he is always on his youtube and not getting a job, he will just yell the F word at me, slam the door and leave the house. I don't know what is going on with him. We can't talk.

We don't have Christmas this year because of all the struggles. It is unfair to our children.

Should I divorce this man?

It sounds like he should be the SAHP then.
You are both equally responsible for keeping your household afloat. If he's capable of earning more than you in a job that's in demand then I understand your frustration but I think you're unreasonable to be annoyed when you're not in employment either.
Before you ask I am a single parent who has taken a second job at a supermarket. I have no prior experience but it's keeping my bank balance in the black so I feel motivated. There are lots of jobs in hospitality and retail atm

You could apply for office manager, office administrator, executive pa or pa roles with that experience

I know I am not better than him when I am not bring money home.

The problem is his attitude.

Am I not entitled to get annoyed when he shouted the F word at me and slammed the door ? Simply because I am unemployed?

A lot of you have the same query on the kind of jobs we are looking at. There are a lot of things in detail which could explain the situation, but I don't really want to spill out everything here.

@Milkand2sugarsplease Could you please PM your site? Thanks.

If he has been self employed he will find working for someone difficult. Perhaps he is avoiding that situation.

How old are you both? One approach is to plan for a few scenarios. Taking control will make you feel less anxious.

Perhaps let Christmas go first and discuss in the New Year. Not many employers will hire in the next few weeks.

He'll get there. 17yo daughter has recently realised that having no money to do things with your friends is shit and started applying for jobs.

Thanks - he has applied for loads online but never hears back so he has lost motivation. He tried going into a few places but everyone recruits online now so I think you miss some of that personal touch, which is a shame.

An agency will find you a job tomorrow. I’m on the mailing list and have been sent 45 vacancies today and that just one area. Most you can do without much experience.

Just the skills many small and medium-sized businesses need. Really good admin managers are hard to find.

Most of your initial post, and the title, is about him not finding a job ... not his attitude to you.

But you haven't found a job either!

Was the business his and you helped, or was it a joint business? If it was mainly his, I'd imagine he is struggling with mental health issues after losing it. It must be hard. If you jointly set it up and ran it, then no excuses there.

Either way, no he shouldn't be swearing at you and should be helping equally to raise the kids.

I'm sorry about your business

There are lots of jobs that could make use of your skills. Office manager, senior admin, or even just an office temp type role. Have you applied to agencies like Office Angels? When both adults are unemployed, it's not the time to be picky.

That said, he shouldn't be swearing at you or slamming doors.

There has never been easier time to find a job, its a tought market out there for receuiters and you should both be abke to find a job easily - every shop, cafe etx i walk past is recruiting, every bank and call centre is recruiting, and as a previous poster has said, an agency would get you a job within weeks if you both registered with them

I agree his attitude sounds terrible, but you sound like as you are looking after the kids and doing housework that you dont need to find a job / the fact that neither of you have found work since the pandemic is staggering to be honest, you cant have been looking very hard

Sorry for the typos ive lost the ability to type today!

At this stage instead of focusing on what you would like to do, just get a job to start earning, both of your confidence and self worth will increase and you will be able to work out what you do and don't like and go from there.

You should talk to a recruiter or a life coach, or someone like that. You have so many transferable skills, you need someone to show you that.
Best of luck 💐

It sounds like you've got ideal skills for an office manager, basically doing all the organising and running around making sure the invoices go out, the bills get paid, the clients feel they have contact with a human, sorting out problems, all the day-to-day stuff that most people like your DH who are out doing the main job of the company don't do, or don't do well. A friend of mine's business has just expanded to the point where he has hired this exact kind of person.

Get yourself on LinkedIn bigging up your skills appropriately and say you're looking for work. Your skills are probably more transferable than his, if he's been in a niche industry.

I would leave the issue of his job hunting until the new year, but his attitude is unacceptable, even if it's been motivated by feeling like a failure and probably not wanting to have a boss, that would certainly be my main issue with going from being a business owner to an employee again.

I manage a small business. All the things you describe you do, we employ an “office manager” to do. She also does our payroll as we have 6 employees. She only works for us 2 days a week and that’s enough for us.

There are a few businesses we deal with that could do with someone like her to be honest as they are rather slow/disorganised when it comes to booking them or dealing with invoices, and I’ve seen positions advertised for similar kind of secretarial/admin roles so the jobs are out there.

Definitely register with admin agencies and maybe look at a bookkeeping qualification?

Thank you very much for your helpful advice. I didn't think about his mental issue before. now that some of you have mentioned about it I think he really has some issue. He is complaining about me not making any money, but at the same time afraid of me getting a job which might pay more than him or getting a job at all. So he constantly belittles me to make me feel worthless and useless.

Agreed - you both need to be job searching hard. How long have you been looking? There is a shortage of workers in most industries at the moment, so the jobs are out there.

I am really struggling to understand how you haven't got a job yet either? Even a Xmas temp job? There's loads of positions out. You both sound as bad as each other tbh.

Does he think he’s too goo to work for someone else? Would be a deal breaker for me TBH

I wouldn't be having that. That would piss me right off. I'm self employed and I was having a quiet few months because of covid, so I looked for extra work the whole time so I wasn't going without. He needs to sort himself out.

OP, every other employer in the country is looking for staff. I don’t see how your husband can fail to get a job if he’s willing to try unskilled jobs. Then he can work his way up to better positions. A bit harder for you if you need to work around childcare, since it sounds as if he wouldn’t. But still, lots of opportunities if you’re open to new areas of work.
Good luck.

Jesus Christ op. Pull your finger out of your arse and get a job! Me and oh lost our jobs during lockdown. It took me over a year and oh over two years before we could get something back like our normal jobs. In the meantime we took anything we could get. At one point oh was working an hour and a half away by bike and train in another city in an ice cream factory for minimum wage. Like fuck would our kids be having their Xmas cancelled because we’d rather something more convenient! There’s jobs everywhere right now, even if it’s temp Xmas jobs. Surely you can find something in a shop/factory/hotel/restaurant/bar? Even delivering leaflets or something just for now? No way have you both been trying to find jobs and come across absolutely nothing for months on end!

The job market is amazing at the moment- certainly the best it’s been in my adult life. I am struggling as to why you both haven’t got jobs?

OP - if you don’t know how to sell your skills, consider getting a career coach who can help with CV, interview skills, LinkedIn etc. worth the money if it gets you a job!

Focus on your own job hunt. You have no standing to complain about his efforts when you haven't secured a job either.

There are jobs absolutely everywhere (partly because there are a sea of people like you two who should work, but don't for whatever reason).

Seems like the mental hurdle for both of you is to go from "not working" to "working". Get any job just to move from "not working" to "working" and then after some time, move from "working a crap job" to "working a better job". Take it step by step.