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Original poster

Heads been turned

58 replies

Gahgahgah · 22/12/2022 13:20

Been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and have recently started a new job in a very male dominated environment. Someone in work really likes me and I hate to say that I like him back, the attraction is strong yet I have a lovely partner who ticks all the boxes already. Does that mean that something is missing in my relationship? Do I just hope that it eventually goes away? It’s making me feel distant towards my boyfriend and like I don’t care as much etc.
has anyone got any advice or been in a similar situation and how to handle it?

OP posts:
SkylightSkylight · 22/12/2022 19:07

Choconut · 22/12/2022 18:59

I think it's time for you to grow up. Otherwise you'll be having 2 year relationships for the rest of your life.

Do you think she should settle for life?

@Gahgahgah How old are you? Maybe your b/f isn't the one you're going to make a lifetime commitment to & maybe new bloke is just showing you that you aren't ready to settle down just yet. Or maybe he's just not the right person for you.

I'd just say, think about your current relationship first. Has it run its course? If so you need to end it whether Mr Work is interested or not.

Seeing Hiw things go with Mr Work won't give you clarity, it will confuse you & lead to all kinds of hurt & upset.

5128gap · 22/12/2022 19:16

Imagine the situation being taken out of your hands. Your bf suddenly telling you its over, you split up, maybe have to leave your home, and the other guy being what's left.
How does that make you feel?
I think with these crushes what we tend to do is think, I'd like that person, but we're thinking in terms of alongside what we have, not instead of.
If you imagine losing all you have for him and its still appealing, then yes, there's issues in your relationship. If the thought is upsetting, then hold that thought and resist temptation.

SimoneSimone · 22/12/2022 19:24

Do your boyfriend a favour and end it with him. He deserves your full attention and you saying this is making you distant from him says it all. He can find a gal who gives him 100 percent and you are free to perdue the next best thing ad-infinitum.

Fedupwitheveryone · 22/12/2022 19:24

throw some attention at your existing relationship - date nights, weekend away, champagne. Flirt w your boyfriend and remind yourself what you like about him.
The chances of it working out with the colleague are very very slim

AbsolutelyDrambulous · 22/12/2022 19:31

Op. This guy may literally just want to fuck and then chuck you. Is it worth it. Think how you would feel if your boyfriend's head had been turned. Only throw it away if this guy is head over heels, can't live without you type love and wants a relationship.. You don't know him well enough. Focus yourself on closing the gap between you and your partner.

category12 · 22/12/2022 19:39

Don't dip your nib in the company ink. Don't risk fucking up your new job.

If it's a very male-dominated environment, as a pp has already suggested, it could be a misogynistic "game" amongst the men to see if he can get you into bed and then all laugh about it and call you the office bike.

supercali77 · 22/12/2022 19:39

Before you do anything maybe else ask yourself some questions....like, what do you know about the man at work? What do you know about your bf? Values, interests, that kind of thing. If you're looking for long term compatibility, they're what youre weighing up. What's missing in your current relationship that you want? Is it the initial buzz? Excitement? Validation? Can you find those in your current relationship? Or not?

qpmz · 22/12/2022 19:44

Is the guy at work single? Does he know you have a boyfriend?

It's very common to meet a partner at work. How many people reading this thread have done so?

Whatever you decide to do, finish your relationship before starting a new one.

qpmz · 22/12/2022 19:47

category12 · 22/12/2022 19:39

Don't dip your nib in the company ink. Don't risk fucking up your new job.

If it's a very male-dominated environment, as a pp has already suggested, it could be a misogynistic "game" amongst the men to see if he can get you into bed and then all laugh about it and call you the office bike.

Omg the office bike for maybe having sex with one person?

SunflowerTed · 22/12/2022 20:46

Choconut · 22/12/2022 18:59

I think it's time for you to grow up. Otherwise you'll be having 2 year relationships for the rest of your life.

Totally agree. Unless you’re 14 get a grip and respect your partner

LocSeeTan · 22/12/2022 21:42

Happened to me once.
I wasn't in a relationship or looking for one .
Was friendly with colleague for so.e time before he started to behave differently towards me and I took this as a sig he liked me. A mutual crush ensued so I left as he had a long term partner

Twenty years on I learned several women left the workplace due to feeling uncomfortable in his presence.
Some people can be so quietly charming and I guess they are really enjoying the thrill of playing with peoples minds.

WorrieaboutFIL · 22/12/2022 21:44

Google Limerance

Original poster
Gahgahgah · 22/12/2022 21:45

so he is a customer rather than a colleague and he has made his feelings very clear, he knows I have a boyfriend but is adamant he thinks he will be better for me and I have been told that no one has known him to be like that before so I think he is genuine, however my partner now definitely shares more similar interests and values etc to me. I am going to distance myself I just don’t understand why I am even interested when I already have a lovely partner. I think I do need to invest more time in my current relationship that’s a good point

OP posts:
5128gap · 22/12/2022 21:52

Gahgahgah · 22/12/2022 21:45

so he is a customer rather than a colleague and he has made his feelings very clear, he knows I have a boyfriend but is adamant he thinks he will be better for me and I have been told that no one has known him to be like that before so I think he is genuine, however my partner now definitely shares more similar interests and values etc to me. I am going to distance myself I just don’t understand why I am even interested when I already have a lovely partner. I think I do need to invest more time in my current relationship that’s a good point

If he knows you have a bf and is telling you he's the better bet, he's a wrong un. Guys who do this are primarily invested in winning over another man and tend to lose interest in their prize.
He's also likely to be mistrustful of you as if he lured you away he'll think another guy could do the same to him.
The more you resist, the harder he'll try, I bet you.

category12 · 22/12/2022 22:12

I don't understand how you're even having these conversations with a customer. So unprofessional.

Nor gossiping about him with some unnamed person/people (colleagues?) to be told "he's never been like this before". Who are these people?

Why are they playing wing-man for this dude?

Thelnebriati · 22/12/2022 22:14

I just don’t understand why I am even interested when I already have a lovely partner
Being in a relationship doesn't stop you meeting new people and feeling that attraction! Attraction doesn't mean the new man is the right one for you. Its just attraction, a relationship is more than that.
Acknowledge the feeling and get on with your life. It will pass.

saltofcelery · 22/12/2022 22:34

If he is saying things like this and especially knowing you are in a relationship, I can guarantee you that he is not a good man.

I would also not even take this as flattery. He is playing a game with you.

username12192 · 22/12/2022 22:55

If everything is great with your partner, don't risk it over a guy that you hardly know. Make more time to invest in your relationship, go on date nights, spend more time together.

Sometimes, it can feel really nice and flattering when you know that someone is attracted to you. But don't turn this into something that it's not. It's most likely the attention, and also the fact that you are in a brand new environment where everything feels fresh and exciting.

Dery · 22/12/2022 23:09

“If he is saying things like this and especially knowing you are in a relationship, I can guarantee you that he is not a good man.”

This. Also pay attention to the fact that these words seem to have spilled from him very easily. Men like him will say what they think you want to hear in order to get what they want. This man is fundamentally untrustworthy and he’s trying to work out if you are, too.

How old are you, though, OP? You mentioned upthread that you’re always looking for excitement. If you’re, say, early 20s, that’s probably part of growing. If you’re in your 30s, then that’s probably something you should resist because it could lead you to mess up a good thing. Not all excitement is good.

QueenBeex · 22/12/2022 23:11

This won't ever end well.

Original poster
Gahgahgah · 20/02/2023 15:01

Hi,

update… I obviously haven’t acted on anything as would never cheat but still like this other man, and the chemistry when he’s near is crazy although we have both distanced ourselves, he’s made it clear he still likes me but said it frustrates him so he comes into work place more infrequent now - yet i do love my boyfriend as he is so lovely and good to me - I feel so guilty for feeling this way!

how long does it take for these crushes to pass? Do I have to leave my job?

OP posts:
RememberNancyDrew · 20/02/2023 15:33

He may be the Office Player Dude and you are next up as the new person.

OhNoNotThatAgain · 20/02/2023 15:46

You'll probably find that he has a wife and kids tucked away somewhere that he hasn't told you about. She's probably pregnant. That's around the time a lot of men go looking for a bit on the side.

Original poster
Gahgahgah · 20/02/2023 15:50

he is a customer not a colleague, and definitely no wife or hidden children (people in my work place know him well)

OP posts:
WidthofaLine · 20/02/2023 15:50

I don't think you've stated your age, I suppose that does factor into this, late teens, early twenties and you could be still searching for the one.

Do you live with your partner ?

Break up with your partner, then you can proceed in which direction you want.
This new one sounds quite alpha, clearly putting his intentions on the line, competeing openly with your current boyfriend. Could you see this man doing this with other women if he did go out with you, I could and I don't even know him.
Sounds like you want to learn the hard way with men, so many young women end up losing decent men due to these players but what do we know.

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