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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is going on?

38 replies

Lilmissindependant · 21/12/2022 23:46

Hi,

I've been talking to a guy I met on hinge for a good 6 months now. We've met in person and been on about 4 or 5 dates. He seems a really nice guy, conversation flows easily and he seems/says he's genuinely interested in developing things more.

For context, I've been single for around 18 months now after coming out of a very controlling relationship. This guy isn't the first person I've been been alone/intimate with since that relationship ended.

My issue is that recently after a date he drops me off at home and invites himself inside, even when i clearly state beforehand i dont want him to come in. He then hangs around in silence and tries to cuddle and kiss me.

For some reason as soon as the door closes I feel instantly uncomfortable, like a wave of panic comes over me and I try to busy myself doing other things, then after pressing for a kiss/cuddle and when it's clear he doesnt plan to leave make an excuse that I have to leave the house.

I really don't understand why I feel like this, like I said he's not the first guy I've been physical with since my last relationship, he generally seems lovely and I enjoy our time together when we are outside in a public place. I now dread arranging to meet him and if I don't respond to messages to meet up, he will randomly say he's parked outside in the street, excited to see me.

Im so confused... Is this weird behaviour from him? Am I not ready for this? Is it me just clearly not into this guy? What do I do to get rid of him or to stop him coming into my home?

OP posts:
NewBootsAndRanty · 21/12/2022 23:48

End it with him. Now.

Vaccine001 · 21/12/2022 23:49

He isn't for you. My advice is end it.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 21/12/2022 23:50

Very weird behaviour from him. Trust your feelings and break it off. You deserve to feel safe with someone.

gamerchick · 21/12/2022 23:50

You feel uncomfortable because he's stepping over any boundaries you put up OP. Your instincts are speaking quite loudly to you here.

Icantremembermyusername · 21/12/2022 23:53

@NewBootsAndRanty. Agree with this. He's pushing and not respecting your boundaries by coming in when you've asked him not to. That's why you feel awkward even though you've dated others. Time to get get rid and find some one who listens to what you need.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/12/2022 23:53

He sounds dangerous tbh. I think you are picking up on this subconsciously.

MajesticWhine · 21/12/2022 23:54

He's creepy. Your reaction is spot on. You are picking up on danger and you should probably trust your instincts.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 21/12/2022 23:57

Yes trust your instincts. Don’t meet up with him again please

Chattycathydoll · 21/12/2022 23:59

you've said you don’t want him to come in and he does so anyway, and you’re wondering why you feel uncomfortable?? He’s so creepy! Run, don’t walk!

NoNoKimono · 22/12/2022 00:00

There is a book by Gavin de Becker called The Gift of Fear. You have your instincts for a reason

category12 · 22/12/2022 00:07

As pps have said, you rightly feel uncomfortable because you tell him you don't want him to come in, and he does anyway.

Stop seeing him.

A man who ignores your no, is very bad news.

weirdstuffhappenig · 22/12/2022 00:13

That didn't make for a pleasant read, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

Please don't see him again, that's fear talking loud and clear, please listen.

NewBootsAndRanty · 22/12/2022 00:16

Same @weirdstuffhappenig - that's why my reply was so brief.

I got proper chills reading it.

FictionalCharacter · 22/12/2022 00:20

OMG, can you really not see why you’re uncomfortable? Your instincts are shouting at you. You say you don’t want him to come in and he does anyway. He then tries to cuddle and kiss you. He acts strangely, hanging around silently. He makes you uncomfortable in your own home. He drives to your house and parks outside when you don’t answer his messages?! All these are huge red flags. He’s completely ignoring your boundaries. Of course his behaviour isn’t normal!
The fact that you’ve been physical with other men is irrelevant. This one doesn’t understand consent, or he does but doesn’t think he needs your consent.
Please dump him, and be very careful. He’s dangerous.

pinneddownbytabbies · 22/12/2022 00:21

He is ignoring what you say and is riding roughshod over your boundaries. I'm not sure this is the relationship for you. He is inviting himself in because he wants to get his leg over, but actually it should be up to you whether you invite him in or not. No means no, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't accept that.

DontStopMeNow7 · 22/12/2022 00:23

I’d react the same way. I’d also question myself because I’ve been in controlling/abusive relationships.

You felt that way because: you said you didn’t want him to come in but he did anyway. He ignored your boundary. He ignored you saying no. But even without that, this feeling that you have would still be valid.

Courtjobby · 22/12/2022 00:27

Sounds very scarey, I'm glad nothing really bad happened to you but agree with everyone else, I got chills too.

OldFan · 22/12/2022 00:33

I really don't understand why I feel like this

Because he was pushy and creepy OP, inviting himself in to your home and then trying it on with you. You're not wrong in how you're feeling. Please block.

OldFan · 22/12/2022 00:39

I now dread arranging to meet him and if I don't respond to messages to meet up, he will randomly say he's parked outside in the street, excited to see me.

Just spotted this-eek! Block, and tell him not to contact you again or you'll consider it harrassment.

Im so confused... Is this weird behaviour from him?

If you really have to ask @Lilmissindependant , then you still have some healing to do or education about abusive men. I assume your ex has led you to doubt your own judgement- or maybe something in your upbringing?

Original poster
Lilmissindependant · 22/12/2022 00:41

Thank you for all your replies. I do agree with everyone telling me to run because i do feel this is my subconscious telling me to do the exact same thing. I just don't know why but i really dont want to find out. I've been distancing myself from him for about a month now and after the last meet, I've completely gone NC. I'm just very wary and, if im honest, scared that he knows where I live and has sent messages to say he's waiting in my street to see me. My doors are constantly locked at the moment, even when I'm home.

If anyone has any advice on how to safely remove myself completely from this man would be great though... especially after the messages about being outside. I dont even know what "this" could be described as but from experience with my ex, the police are pretty useless in my area when it comes to harassment.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 22/12/2022 00:44

Chilling. Really.
Your feelings were telling you he was considering to forcing himself on you if you stayed.

I swear I've only ever had this instinct twice and the first time I listened and got away i later found out the guy was a convicted rapist. The second time, the guy I was on the date with was an obvious narcissist and looking back he was trying to lead me down alleyways during the date that would have been empty too.

It's an instinct that only kicks in in that 'I need to get away ASAP' way when you are around a rapist or someone who otherwise means you physical harm.

Pinkbonbon · 22/12/2022 00:47

'I felt you overstepped your bounds last time we met and as such I won't be seeing you again. Lose my number'.

Seriously, take no shit. Any nonsense or further harassment from him 'do not contact me again or I will treat it as harassment snd the police will be called'.

You need to show them you have no problem asking for outside help. Even if you don't have much faith in them.

OldFan · 22/12/2022 01:00

If anyone has any advice on how to safely remove myself completely from this man would be great though... especially after the messages about being outside. I dont even know what "this" could be described as but from experience with my ex, the police are pretty useless in my area when it comes to harassment.

Usually the threat of going to police can be enough to get them to stop contact. Also, I think the police are ok at giving a harrasser a ring nowadays and telling them to not contact someone again (I've had them do that for me with a bloke.) That only takes them a couple of minutes and then the police can claim they've done something. And it would be chastening to the average creep.

HellonHeels · 22/12/2022 01:14

Reading this gave me the utter creeps. Please don't see him again. Think carefully if he has had any chance to borrow or take a set of keys or a car key.

Following are just ideas for general personal safety, not meant to freak you out, but might be useful if you feel on edge;. Always use a door chain. A video doorbell would be good.

If you have a regular routine of locations, journeys etc you could conside varyng it. Check all your window and door catches to make sure they are sound and working properly, or locked correctly.. If you're friendly with neighbours you could tell them you're worried about him turning up.

You could also do a Claire's Law request with the police - if he does have form for anything nasty they can give you advice.

Well done for facing and listening to ypur feelings X

Aquamarine1029 · 22/12/2022 01:23

My issue is that recently after a date he drops me off at home and invites himself inside, even when i clearly state beforehand i dont want him to come in.

Obviously, you need to end this with him immediately, but you really do have to take a lot of responsibility for allowing things to get this far. The very first time he ignored you when you told him he wasn't coming in should have been the last. You should have told him to fuck off and leave. Don't ever allow yourself to be pushed around like this ever again. Fuck politeness.

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