What is going on?

[Lilmissindependant]

Hi,

I've been talking to a guy I met on hinge for a good 6 months now. We've met in person and been on about 4 or 5 dates. He seems a really nice guy, conversation flows easily and he seems/says he's genuinely interested in developing things more.

For context, I've been single for around 18 months now after coming out of a very controlling relationship. This guy isn't the first person I've been been alone/intimate with since that relationship ended.

My issue is that recently after a date he drops me off at home and invites himself inside, even when i clearly state beforehand i dont want him to come in. He then hangs around in silence and tries to cuddle and kiss me.

For some reason as soon as the door closes I feel instantly uncomfortable, like a wave of panic comes over me and I try to busy myself doing other things, then after pressing for a kiss/cuddle and when it's clear he doesnt plan to leave make an excuse that I have to leave the house.

I really don't understand why I feel like this, like I said he's not the first guy I've been physical with since my last relationship, he generally seems lovely and I enjoy our time together when we are outside in a public place. I now dread arranging to meet him and if I don't respond to messages to meet up, he will randomly say he's parked outside in the street, excited to see me.

Im so confused... Is this weird behaviour from him? Am I not ready for this? Is it me just clearly not into this guy? What do I do to get rid of him or to stop him coming into my home?

@HellonHeels Thankfully there has been no chance for him to access any keys, they're on the same keyring, always been in my possession and my grandparents have the only spares, so there isn't any hiding or lying around anywhere to go missing.

I'm definitely thinking about the camera (doorbell or regular) even just to be cautious about the "I'm outside" messages, as I've never actually gone out to check if they are true or not.

Bizarrely, for the length of time we have been talking, I don't actually know much, if any, personal information about him to be able to seek out a Claire's Law request. Come to think of it, he has been very cagey about specific identifying information, like I know general details off his dating profile but nothing to actually identify him or his life. Which, having said that, is now even more worrying.

Yes, that adds another layer of creepy doesn't it. Sounds like a video set up would be worth it for peace of mind.

Hope you're OK and not being kept awake worrying. Must be a shock to the system suddenly having the realisation about how dodgy he's been.

Major red flags. He does not understand that no means no. Do not see him again. You’ve dodged a bullet. Never allow a date to know where you live until you have met up several times elsewhere you and feel comfortable enough to take the relationship to the next step.

You may have to mention contacting the Police if he turns up unannounced in future.

Always go with your gut feeling/women’s intuition. You’ve been lucky so far.

He sounds as creepy as hell. Your gut instinct was spot on, don’t question it, or how you knew — you just knew.
Do you have his car reg number? Any neighbours have cctv that might show if he’s outside?
You could always call 101, or go to local police station if you have one, with his messages and all info you have ( name, car, his phone number). They might already know him, though they probably can’t tell you that.

I fully understand that i clearly made an error in judgement, especially about letting him know my address. We started talking in July, didn't meet until September, had a few casual meet up coffees before,what I would say were official, dates. So recently with it getting darker and feeling comfortable with him in public, I accepted him dropping me back off home. I thought things were going well in the lead up to that and hadn't noticed any particular red flags. He actually seemed genuine.

It wasnt until after that first initial drop off home that he always found a way to invite himself inside, even when I've said no. The first time, I thought the uncomfortable/awkward feeling was to do with it being the pressure of the first physical contact, kiss/cuddle, views of a potential relationship developing so I backed off abit but did brush it off as a nervous reaction. The second time it was full blown panic rather than awkwardness as soon as the door closed, which made me question my reaction more. The third and final time after telling him 3 times that i didnt want him to come inside, he picked up my stuff from the car and refused to give me them stating "he was being a gentleman and had to bring them inside for me", we were in the house for the whole of 5 minutes before I made him leave.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I felt like I had played everything safe, the length of time chatting, the casual meets, etc as a risk assessment before him getting my address. I will make sure I address and evaluate that error in judgement when dating in future, though I'm currently not quite sure how I could of played it any safer.

You can play it safer by having FIRM boundaries. He wakes over them the first time and that needs to be that.

I am working on my own firm boundaries so this is not a dig. Just the truth. Firm boundaries mean he needs to not be in your house unless you desire it.

It’s not your fault but that’s the way to do it. First time this creepy shit happens you should throw him back.

I usually like the be straightforward in these matters but if he is of “The Gift of Fear” type then when you let him down you should probably stay at a friends or family house for awhile.

Also if he begs are gets super weird then bring the justice hammer down (again grab your stuff and stay where he can’t find you) and don’t engage.

I am so sorry you’re dealing with this.

PS get the ring camera. It’s just good to have.

The next time a man refuses to take no for answer is the time you need to dump him .

Your mistake was ignoring your own ( very good ) instincts. Your body and brain were warning you and your tried to shut them down.

Please read the book “ The gift of fear “ that Pp mentioned. You can download it for free.

I'd be frightened and wouldn't see him again. You know it in your bones OP.

i do feel this is my subconscious telling me to do the exact same thing. I just don't know why but i really dont want to find out.

It's not really your subconscious as such. This guy has repeatedly overridden your boundaries by making excuses to get into your home and pushing over your no.

There's a bit of a disconnect here for you that you don't seem to be identifying that as a trigger - you're not going off nothing or anything mysterious, it's actual boundary-crossing he has done.

There is probably an element of picking up on his body language and other behaviours as well.

I think it would be good for you to stop dating for a while and work on building a better "shark cage" so you feel more assured about defending your boundaries. www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

If he’s still coming to your house, sitting outside in his can and telling you he’s there, surely that’s stalking? I’d be having a word with the police / PCSO and showing them copies of the messages. This man is doing more than overstepping boundaries a bit.

Please speak up to a date to what you're not comfortable with to protect yourself and your boundaries. It's fine to say no you can't come in as this is too soon, or even let them know your address until you are comfortable enough to trust them.

If you can't do this then you're not ready to date, strong boundaries have to be put in place, they are strangers!

Yes it's weird behaviour of him to sit outside your house uninvited, I'd not want to see a man like that.