Did couples shout/scream more when arguing in the past?

[Iheartbedtime]

I grew up in the 80s and there was a lot of yelling in my house - arguments often lasting a long time. I am under no illusion my childhood was acceptable - there were a lot of other issues - but I wonder how much of the yelling was part of the times? Did adults have no awareness of the impact of shouting on children? I cannot imagine doing that ever, but especially when my children are home.

I can't stand people who yell. It's no way to communicate.

My parents weren’t happy together, but Dad never shouted and Mum rarely did. That was in the 60s.

There was a lot of shouting in mine too followed by silences lasting up to 2 weeks. Parents didn’t seem to care that their kids were upstairs.

Parents didn’t seem to care that their kids were upstairs.
Yes. Oblivious.

Things were not as advanced in terms of caring for people and controlling emotions. Abuse was legal, and shouting isn’t as severe as abuse so was definitely not seen as wrong. Not as many people lived in flats and a blind eye was turned to abuse.

These days, people call police/SS for shouting.

Did not even know they were splitting up till I came home to a for sale sign in the garden. Never heard a word of them arguing.

I hate people roaring and shouting. Once you have raised your voice you have lost whatever argument you were planning to have.

Same in my household, my mum had a mental illness, triggered (or made worse anyway) with her menstrual cycle. I do think it was more acceptable then but I knew it wasn’t normal. I split with my ex over 10yrs ago and we have managed to Co-parent without any negativity infront of the kids. I’d never put my kids through that. If you’re arguing constantly then it’s time to split. I’m 45 now and no I don’t understand or forgive it, I feel pretty angry to both my parents but more my mother who I guess I saw more as the cause of these argument (my dad had the patience of a saint). I’m sure kids live in households where this still goes on but it’s definitely less acceptable

It's awful isn't it. I was constantly on edge and often miserable. I think people had less awareness of mental health, emotional intelligence etc. But I still don't understand not seeing or not caring about how awful it is for your children.

@Iheartbedtime

At the time I just thought it was normal. Now I look back and it was abuse of my mum by my dad. Shouting into submission, controlling everything she did including the time she had to be in. (If she went to the pub with a friend and was 5 minutes later than what he deemed acceptable then it was WW3 and silence for weeks.) she lived a miserable life and should have left him but didn’t and became a very bitter person in later life even after he died.

We're not claiming that people don't scream and shout in families now are we?

We are quite a shouty house. Loving. Affectionate. Open with our feelings too. I think people who never argue are repressed to be honest.

Anyone who can't communicate without shouting is a dickhead.

My parents never shouted. Got a traumatic divorce after 18 years though.

My h's parents shouted a lot. He's a shouter too. Seems puzzled when I don't respond in the same way.

I thought it was normal, and I’d also say that tv, films and books reinforced that view. I was actually a bit bewildered but DH’s insistence on talking things through in a calm, rational way because I had literally no blueprint for that.

I imagine that the availability and social acceptance of separation and divorce is a factor. I grew up in Ireland where people married for life and women shared tips for managing men.

Of course not. Some couples argue a lot and loud, and the majority don't.

I think this Is a real point of progress.

It's a cultural shift. People are just much more alive these days to the well-being of their kids.

My DH and I have never screamed at each other not at our kids. I have never stormed off in the car leaving my little kids wondering if I'm coming back. I have never slammed doors thrown teapots nor smashed plates nor have I ever thrown food in my child's face. Nor have I ever smacked them nor thrown them out of the house nor bagged up their messy clothes and toys and threatened to bin them.

I don't think my parents were unusual and they were extremely supportive and generous with their time and attention.

They just didn't have much grasp of emotional regulation.

My parents argued a lot. I did not have a happy childhood. When history started repeating itself I left my children's dad, as I couldn't bear them having a childhood like I did. Isolated and sad.

DH and I never shout. I cannot stand it. I hate any kind of ‘drama’. We disagree about things sometimes (not often) but always in a respectful manner. Things have definitely changed as I come from a ‘shouty’ family. I believe society has evolved. Children don’t need to hear their parents shouting and carrying on like that. Dreadful behaviour from adults.

My parents rarely raised their voices. My mother did more than my father, but not much.

I think a bit of shouting/ranting is far better than moodiness/silence or repressed anger.

Don't be absolutely ridiculous 🤣 maybe they just remember growing up in a shouty house and absolutely hating it and wishing their parents would lower their voices and talk maturely like people with an actual brain.

I’m stuck on this one. I didn’t come from a shouty family - my dad was the King Of All Stonewallers so I’m used to silent periods of months at a time for the slightest disagreement. Me and my boyfriend have never shouted, and don’t actually argue, but his two teenage daughters are real shouters, as is his ex-wife. They don’t do it in front of me, funnily enough, but I haven’t known them long. I’m not used to shouting and I hate it.

My parents shouted. (And still do). DP and I hardly ever. (DP never, me very rarely).

I hate the shouting.

But when you get right down to it I had a happy childhood and my parents a long and happy marriage. I wouldn't necessarily say we do things better. Just different.

my dad was the King Of All Stonewallers so I’m used to silent periods of months at a time for the slightest disagreement.

Much preferred a raised voice telling me to tidy my room or fill the dishwasher rather than months of silence, I would find that awful!

People stayed in unhappy relationships rather than splitting I suppose wild be part of it