Did couples shout/scream more when arguing in the past?

[Iheartbedtime]

I grew up in the 80s and there was a lot of yelling in my house - arguments often lasting a long time. I am under no illusion my childhood was acceptable - there were a lot of other issues - but I wonder how much of the yelling was part of the times? Did adults have no awareness of the impact of shouting on children? I cannot imagine doing that ever, but especially when my children are home.

I have never stormed off in the car leaving my little kids wondering if I'm coming back. I have never slammed doors thrown teapots nor smashed plates nor have I ever thrown food in my child's face. Nor have I ever smacked them nor thrown them out of the house nor bagged up their messy clothes and toys and threatened to bin them.

I would not consider this to be normal though back then, maybe smacking but throwing food in a child's face or leaving dc? nope.

Agreed. I would not have found this normal growing up.

I think people who never argue are repressed to be honest.

You're wrong then. Some people just aren't aggressive, shouty arseholes. In answer to the OP - my parents had disagreements, but they certainly didn't scream at each other! Dh and don't really argue. We aren't 'repressed' - we just don't really have anything to argue about!

I don't disagree, but I'd add that not shouting, but saying very spiteful/deliberately infuriating/deliberately untrue/things in a normal voice, is just as bad as shouting. Just thinking of someone I knew who prided themselves on "never shouting" but played every dirty trick in an argument to avoid having an honest or productive conversation.

good point.

People still shout/scream when arguing. What makes you think they don't?

People still shout/scream when arguing. What makes you think they don't?
I suppose I wondered if it was like smacking, where there has been a shift away and a recognition that it isn't acceptable and there are better ways to manage behaviour. The narrative in my family is along the lines of not knowing any better.
I can't imagine any parents I know not realising it would be distressing for children.

There is nuance though, shouting at your partner occasionally because you are pissed off about something is very different to shouting/screaming full on rows. Surely it would be over something serious or hurtful if you are screaming at each other? people don't have to stay in those relationships anymore.

ExH raises his voice, shouts, turns into motormouth and interrupts. Note word ex.

Men were legally able to rape their wives until the early 90s.

People weren't as aware or focused on mental health.

Women were largely seen as the problem and deserving of anything negative that came our way.

Men could pretty much do no wrong and, even when they did, it was the fault of women and women drove them to it.

There was little to no support/compassion/understanding for women in relationships like those.

People are slightly more aware these days...

There was never shouting in my house but occasionally argument behind closed doors.

It's a very ineffective way of communicating though.

I can't remember the last time I raised voice to anyone. I certainly don't shout and I wouldn't shout at someone I claimed to care about.

Agreed.

It's not that I don't address or suppress things that bother me. I just approach it calmly and with respect.

I don't have relationships with the sort of people who would behave so badly this would not be possible.

I've not had a single argument with my boyfriend. That's not because neither of us will talk about something that has upset us or never disagree, it's because we both communicate similarly and talk rather than shout and scream at each other. And there's nothing really for us to argue about because we treat each other well.

To add to @GreyCarpet s post. Women were stuck in bad or abusive marriages due to lack of money (some still are). Women were not legally allowed a credit card without a husbands permission so women went from parents house to husbands house.

One person thinks they are entitled to behave however they like, and a trapped person who can take no more either results in lots of shouting or murder. Thank fuck women have more choices due to having their own money.

I’m not sure whether there was more or less shouting forty years ago compared to today.

I do know there was zero awareness as to how harmful it is on children. Studies into adverse childhood experiences focussed heavily on physical and sexual abuse. Verbal abuse or witnessing verbal abuse wasn’t being studied yet.

Mostly the debates were about at what point does corporeal punishment become child abuse? Endless arguments about stopping caning and hitting in schools.

My parents were the arguing smacking type. Arguing when driving and mum navigating, arguing when doing any decorating, always arguing on holiday, arguing when dad was drunk. Few times it got scary. But they don't remember it and DF not alive anymore. It's not want they remembered about their relationship. The smacking they forgot completely until DC were here and I was questioning whether they would use this form of discipline which I'm totally against. They were horrified and tearful saying that's different. Weird but yeah more acceptable in the 80's

@Pixiedust1234
Women were not legally allowed a credit card without a husbands permission so women went from parents house to husbands house

They were in the 1980s. That changed in the 1970s. And even prior to the 1970s changes, it did not apply to unmarried women. So women did not go from parents house to husbands house. They often lived in flat shares as young working women.

I don’t know but my childhood had many, many episodes of screaming and shouting and generally my parents have quite a volatile relationship although not exactly abusive since it’s both of them and they aren’t violent.
Ive never wanted that and I find being around them both highly stressful.
They tell me they are happily married and think I’m odd for not having these almighty rows which they seem to forget the minute they finish (just leave the rest of us a bit traumatised!).

As for others being repressed (mentioned above), far from it. My DH and I can and do talk and disagree openly about almost anything. It’s just we very very rarely shout and never get nasty, by which I mean insulting one another or making sweeping generalisations.

I grew up in the 70's/80's and our house was VERY shouty. Dad got drunk regularly and caused the most huge arguments. Me, my sister and my Mum always walked on egg shells.

He would regularly threaten my Mum, very outlandish threats, like "If you don't shut up I'm going to throw you through that window". He even said that at a dinner party once, and none of the guests challenged him.

He went the pub every Sunday and when he got back we'd be waiting for the eruption. Things were often thrown across rooms. I remember the time my parents had thrown a party and the kitchen sideboard was covered in empty glasses. He got angry about something and with one fell swoop with his arm, he sent them all smashing up the wall. Glass got stuck in a vein and he was bleeding profusely. He demanded that my Mum drive him to hospital and she said No, you did it to yourself.

If they were arguing in the car, he'd get Mum to pull over and he'd just walk off in to the night, which really scared me.

He ruined almost every party we ever had, even my engagement party, where he got drunk, shouted at everyone and slept in the garden as some kind of protest.

He's still an alcoholic now, and he's 81. Often looks back on his younger days and says how he was an angry man (said with a tinkly laugh).

It's not funny though, is it?

My sister has taken on the baton, and now ruins every single family event, by drinking too much and causing a row. Had to go NC in the end.

I on the other hand, just want peace, and within my own family, get togethers are laughter only - no rows ever! DH and I argue sometimes of course, but family get togethers are never full of rows, which is entirely opposite to my childhood.